Boyfriend's friends "kidnapped" him from family time

So I've been with him for about 4 years so it's not like some short term bf. We are serious and share a place together. Anyways, his sister and is took 1 car to his frandmas to hang out with his family. The whole time his friends kept texting him to come over to their house and party since its been a while. He told them "no" And they said "we will pick you up!" And he said they don't have to pick him up and he's staying.

Next thing you know his friends show up at his grandmas to pick him oil. He couldn't believe they showed up. He was about to ask me if I wanted to go and I said NO. So I asked to talk to him in private. I told him how disrespectful they are being and it was very rude. His reasoning is that it was for me to party too...no it wasn't. I don't see them, wtf? Anyways, he said "if you don't want me to go I won't go" I said "that's not the point." I got mad at him seeming annoyed a bit and I just snapped and said "I don't care just go!!"

Later he came to me and said he wasn't gojnf. Then next thing I hear them beg him to go and he tells me he's going. So now his sister and I will pick him up because I know he will end up being stuck there....

I am hurt he went and doesn't seem to completely understand how I feel. What should I say or do.

 

Give him the cold shoulder for the next three weeks and every time he asks whats wrong say "You know!"
Then bring it up whenever you get into a fight for the next three or four years.

Oh wait....
That's what my ex did.

Sit down and talk to him.
Tell him you're hurt and why.
Explain why and keep it unemotional without laying blame.
If you try and make it sound like you are trying to keep him from making a similar mistake in the future rather than bitching at him for the mistake he's made this time, most men will be so grateful they will go out of their way not to make that mistake again.

 

Thanks for the response. I came home and he's laying in bed all drunk. It's making me really despise his friends so now I have to clean up his throw up and take care of him, this rarely happens maybe once or twice a year but what they did was wrong.

I will talk to him tomorrow and try to be calm and without blame...but I don't know if he will understand. How can he when he just left anyways thinking it's ok because they took their time to drive for him?? I just want him to have some sympathy and see my pain and offer me comfort. Not go "I understand" in a voice where it's like "ok enough already can we move on". Because that wouldn't make me feel any better.

I never felt so much rage inside my body since we've been together. He left knowing how angry and hurt I was all because he didn't want his friends to feel bad.

 

Sounds like he's young (and not too bright if he walked out the door knowing he was in trouble).
He figured he doesn't get to see his buds that often and they came over just see him, so he was somehow obligated.
Of course his obligation to you (being young and dumb) slipped right out of his head.

On the one hand I'd say jumping his shit is just going to make him defensive especially since as you pointed out, he doesn't do it that often.
On the other, he does kind of deserve it.

Don't expect him to go too deep on this though.
He might try but I don't expect he's going to jump into into your end to far.
This wasn't something he put a great deal of deep thought into and I'm afraid it will be a bit tough for him to 'get it' right away.
Use small words and speak slowly.
We are simple animals.

 

I dont really get it. You dont him you didnt care what he did and to just go, and you are now mad at him that he went?

 

No, I told him how angry and upset I was and he KNEW. Then in the heat of the moment I said "fine whatever just go" and part of it was me being scared to feel like controlling his life when that's not what I wanted. But he told me he saw how sad I was so he's staying. He went to tell his friends he wasn't goinf but they begged him took so he left.

 

Remind him that he made the commitment to spend time with you and your family, and initially told his friends "no." He needs realize that being in a relationship means there are times when he has to do things that he doesn't want to do. If he can't do that, or acts resentful when he does, he has some growing up to do.

 

A loud alarm clock and bright lights really help a hangover I've heard.

 

So he comes o me after I hear him done puking and looks at me. I'm all wuiet on my phone and he sees my expression. He asks, "are you mad at me?" I said "yes I'm really angry with you. Of all the years we been together I never felt so angry and disrespected. Why did u have to go knowing how hurt I was?" And he said "...I don't know. They just really wanted me to go" and I said "by going it shows them it's ok to do that. I'm nt ok with this." He said "I know, it won't happen again I'm sorry." And I also mentioned I hate that they try to get him drunk because he doesn't drink too often. We just hug and I kiss him and make up but in still mad. I'm moving forward but still pissed.

I think I said all I could say right? Why would he go knowing it made me upset and then feel sorry the next day?? It's a no brainier.

 

The answer is he is a man.

 

I think you did fine.
But like I said, don't hang on to this.
It really does sound like he's sorry and has learned his lesson, as far as it goes.
If it happens again, then you need to take him apart.
--- merged: Mar 15, 2015 5:33 PM ---

Fixed it for you.

 

Agree. Thanks so much. On another forum people said I was bein mean and controlling when trying to get perspective.

 

Thanks @redraven that's what i ment

 

I would go so far as to say he's still a boy, albeit perhaps in a man's body.

 

Thanks, that was insightful.

 

In my younger days we had a neighbour who never complained when we had a party, but mowed his lawn at 7am the next morning. His lawn looked great