Basically, am I a selfish bitch?

I am a Lady of 18 years. I have this friend, John who I've been very good friends with for roughly two years. We don't see each other often but we chat a lot and when we do see each other we have a good time.

Basically, on paper, he is probably my perfect match. He just gets me, he knows exactly how I am feeling in an exact moment, when to make a joke, when to be serious. He understands my sick and dirty sense of humour and matches it superbly. He makes me laugh like nobody else, honestly, I never laugh so hard.

We both had feelings for each other when we first met but it never went anywhere and I am pretty sure he still has some for me. When we're together we do flirt but in our own light-hearted and jokey way. I really think that if we got together we'd probably be perfect for each other yet I just don't feel it. I just can't have those feelings for him no matter how hard I try.

Is it wrong for me to carry on this relationship? As I do really love him, as a friend, and would miss him a lot if we grew apart. However I think I'm being selfish.

So guys please tell me the honest truth.. am I a bad person? Should I let him go for his sake?

 

Short answer: You're "Lady of 18 years." You both need to see other people.

 

well thats not small-minded at all, judging me just because of my age.

 

I think you should talk to him and make sure he's comfortable being in the friend zone. You may be, albeit unintentionally, stringing him along.

 

I know I think I am. But what if I say something and it just makes him awkward or god forbid I've interpreted it all wrong??

 

It's not an easy conversation, but it may be a necessary one. What signs do you have that he may want more than the friendship?

 

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Troll-lol-lol-lol!

 

It's not small minded, in fact it is an answer filled with experience. It feels a little condescending to you now, but that makes it no less correct.

And no you're not a selfish bitch. Hang out, have fun and experience life. That is what being 18 is all about. Too bad no one tells you that when you are 18.

 

How can I explain it? I know he cares for me, he goes out of his way to make me happy but theres something else. Whenever I talk to him about guys I've dated or am dating he gets a bit weird so I tend not to anymore. Whenever the conversation veers to girls he may be thinking about he is extremely vague and talks about always being friendzoned or describes the relationship he wants which is essentially ours. Am I being bigheaded? I'm not sure.

 

Chances are, if you think he's into you, he's into you. Don't string him along.

Also, there's a ton of other good advice coming in. Don't be too upset about the age thing... with age comes experience. 18 is the time to 'play the field', so to speak. Don't be too quick to get locked in to anything long term. That will come in time.

 

I get what you're saying and maybe I did jump on Plan9 too quickly but it just irritated me that they thought my situation was trivial because of my age. I do try to cool the flirting etc but he notices the change and interprets it as me being mad at him. Are you suggesting that I should give a relationship with him a go?
--- merged: Apr 16, 2012 at 4:45 PM ---

I get what he was saying but it is irritating to be thought less of because I'm young. I do hang out and have fun with him but I can't help but feel guilt as if I were in his position It wouldn't be nice.

 

Mmm, I think Cynth is saying that after you've been with x number of people, you might find yourself coming back to the good guy you don't feel anything for right now because eventually you may realize that compatibility is less about fireworks and more about finding someone you can enjoy life with as a human being instead of the minefield of the young man/woman with throbbing genitals/throbbing heart thing. Knowledge without mileage is of little use to the young, so you have to get out there and... do stuff. Do relationships with different people. Be good by yourself, too.

 

So what do I do, break the friendship or just stop the flirting? because both would be hard seeing as he is one of my closest friends and the flirting thing is just us.

 

What it really comes down to is that feelings can't be commanded. If you don't feel attracted to him, then you don't. And that's fine, and it doesn't make you a selfish bitch to not be attracted to him but want a friendship with him (though I'd stop flirting with him, if that's the case). But I guess my question is: you say he makes you laugh, he gets you better than anyone, you have a good time when you hang out with him, and you are able to talk freely with him. So what's lacking? What is the thing you're looking for that he doesn't have?

And, BTW, though you might not like what Plan 9 said, he wasn't wrong. And it wasn't a criticism, or dismissive. You're 18. You don't have a lot of experience, and you don't necessarily know what you need, or even really want, yet. There's nothing wrong with that: none of us have experience or know those things when we're 18. That's just not how life and being human works. I know it's annoying as hell to hear, but it's true.

 

yeah, I guess you do expect head-over-heels feelings but it would be wrong to go into a relationship with him when I don't feel that I could give him everything he does, wouldn't it? surely that would be worse?

 

Listen, I'm not a psychic nor a woman... but I do have experience with 18 year old girls as an 18 year old guy and, as such, you might adore this on-the-same-wavelength dude because he's an awesome friend but all he's seeing on his side is the little things you're doing or not doing and how to interpret them as far as his gauging his chances at what us old people call "heavy petting." He may be a gentleman, but he's still a teenager.

Men don't have hearts at 18. They have penises. Just throwing that out there.

 

I don't know nor can I explain what it is that lacks. We have good laughs and chemistry but I just don't or can't think of him intimately I guess.
--- merged: Apr 16, 2012 at 4:53 PM ---

So he doesn't care for me, he just wants to fuck me?

 

No-no, I'm not saying he doesn't care for you... but if he's interested in a relationship, he'd have to be totally flaming homosexual for makeouts to not be a major factor as to why he wants a relationship with a girl at this point in his life. He's not looking for someone to clean bathrooms. Anyway, what kind of friendship do you have? What kinds of things do you two do together? What other friends/groups do you associate with when together?

If he's hanging out with you while you paint your toenails, it's not because he likes the new spring pastels and wants to compare jewelry options.

 

hahaha, no painting nails. Just hanging out in general with other friends though we tend to stick by ourselves and catch up as we don't see eachother often.