Are you in a no gift relationship?

Ask the Readers: Do You Buy Christmas Gifts For Your Spouse?

Skipping Your Spouse’s Christmas Gift Now Is a Good Way to Hate Each Other Later | The Stir

I meant to write this thread before the Christmas holiday, but there are plenty of other holiday's couples possibly give gifts to each other on. Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's/Father's day, Christmas (or other religious holiday), Valentine's Day, and maybe others.

Now, how much stress do you feel trying to find the right gift?
Is it better to give experiences rather than material goods?
Would you be upset if you both skipped the stress of having to find the perfect gift and just relaxed instead?
Have you ever given them sexual favors or something they couldn't buy at a store?
Do you judge your partner on how good or expensive their presents are?
Do you even remember what they got you ~3 years ago?
Do you just buy gifts for yourself and let your spouse wrap them?
Or are you frugal and don't need any more 'stuff' and don't support the rampant consumerism?

 

Now, how much stress do you feel trying to find the right gift?

None, I'm doing something nice for someone, I'm not going to stress over it.

Is it better to give experiences rather than material goods?

I do both, whatever seems appropriate. Some people don't need or want anything material.

Would you be upset if you both skipped the stress of having to find the perfect gift and just relaxed instead?

It's not something we stress over. Sometimes we share a trip to Paris, sometimes it's a set of motorcycle tires. Whatever is appropriate at the time.

Have you ever given them sexual favors or something they couldn't buy at a store?
Do you judge your partner on how good or expensive their presents are?

No, never

Do you even remember what they got you ~3 years ago?

Hard to forget a trip to Paris.

Do you just buy gifts for yourself and let your spouse wrap them?

I did with the motorcycle tires; but only for amusement.

Or are you frugal and don't need any more 'stuff' and don't support the rampant consumerism?

I'm frugal, I'm picky, and very difficult to buy for. If I want something, I probably have it. The best gifts for me are always consumable.

 

Now, how much stress do you feel trying to find the right gift?
None. I find figuring out what to get that would be "just what they wanted" to be one of the most fun parts of doing it. You observe them all year. Make mental notes when they find pleasure in something, show preference of one thing over another, express need or desire for something, or say outright that they wish they had X... Then, come shopping time, you fit the pieces all together like a jigsaw puzzle, and it will present you with a picture of a stack of things, or something at least, that the person you are giving it to, would really like to be opening come Christmas morning.
Is it better to give experiences rather than material goods?
It depends on the person on the receiving end of the gift. Some people are more inclined to be receptive of the gift of an experience than others. you need to know your recipient.
Would you be upset if you both skipped the stress of having to find the perfect gift and just relaxed instead?
I've never been the sort to give a fig if there is something for me under the tree or in a stocking or not. For me, it's always been (as it SHOULD be I think) about finding the right gift for the right person, not about "what's in it for me". I for one, would rather get nothing from someone that to get something from them that is absolutely not me, not something i would eer want or like, or whatever. W while the thought counts, the rule "It's the thought that counts" is an excuse applied to someone that doesn't know you as well as they thought, and truly TRIED, as opposed to someone that just picked you up any old thing without caring if you wanted/liked/ needed it or not, just to have given you "something". I would ten thousand times rather get nothing from them, then to get tangible proof that they just cant be bothered to know you.
Have you ever given them sexual favors or something they couldn't buy at a store?
Sexual favors, no. That's a "gift" that can't be applied to a traditional gift giving holiday in my book. Something they couldn't buy in a store? Sure. I'm a jewelry designer, and have been known to give pieces from outside my collection that are one of a kind things I've made for someone. Only after much thought and consideration to all the many facets of the individual though. I have to be able to hold it in my hand and it looks and FEELS like something they would truly love, before it would be deemed worthy of being given to them as a gift coming from my hand, crafted truly for them.
Do you judge your partner on how good or expensive their presents are?
Expensive, no absolutely not. "Good" is relative. A "good" gift to ME can be any number of things, great and small. But it bears mentioning that I'm the sort of person that will look down my nose at an armful of a couple dozen long stem red roses at 75$ a dozen, but can't stop smiling at the large fistful of clover blossoms carefully collected from the parkway near the street, that didn't cost a dime, but had to be carefully collected so their stems were long enough to put in a glass of water.
Do you even remember what they got you ~3 years ago?
Without question.
Do you just buy gifts for yourself and let your spouse wrap them?
With my current partner, no. With previous, yes. It was actually a lot more fun than trying to open the abysmal choices they would have made themselves. It turned into a "OooOoO you were so generous this year..... >dollar amount< on just Christmas stuff... wow... >kiss on the cheek< you darling darling partner!" was their permission to go out and blow X amount on themselves because what "they got me" had just been bought and wrapped. Idiotic to look back on, and my time would have been better spent on finding someone that gave a fuck about me, what I liked, what I needed, what I wanted etc like I would have for them, as opposed to developing an elaborate ruse so they could look impressive with knowing "just what I wanted" come Christmas morning, and afterward, to our friends and family. Its WONDERFUL to be out of that phase of my life.
Or are you frugal and don't need any more 'stuff' and don't support the rampant consumerism?
I have been since the birth of my daughter (so more than 20 years now) and will continue to be, "frugal" when it comes to myself. Every dime I spend on myself causes me horrible grief, because I should have been spending that on my daughter. I was a young, single, mother, and made the choice to keep her, so I also chose to take cuts myself, so that she might have more, which is only as it should be as I see it. I typically own 3 pairs of shoes. I wear one until I walk holes through the soles, or something comes apart on them, or they become visibly shoddy or worn before replacing them. I typically have one purse. same deal. I will use it until it becomes visibly worn, or breaks. Every pair of pants I own is black, and in the same, if not a similar, style, so people don't realize I usually only have a few pair. Tops/blouses being my "splurge point" where I will pick up a variety so they can constantly be switched, and I swap them out with my mother so it expands my wardrobe. I have had the same winter coat since 1999. I care for it carefully, and it is not worn , faded or threadbare, and still keeps me warm. I'm not "cheap". When I buy a pair of pants, they aren't on sale for 6 bucks at target. I'm buying a designer label, at the pinnacle of clearance of the item, and STILL paying typically upwards of 100$ for them, but they will last me many years, because I care for them well. This 1999 topcoat is mid calf length wool, in a "timeless" cut, style and color that will be able to be worn as long as the material holds. To me, it's part of parenting.
Consumerism being rampant.. For many, yes, that's true. But not for everyone. Yes, I "contribute" to it during spending at holiday time. I would like to think that although part of that "rampant consumerism", I do my part to keep it in check at least at my level, by patronizing local businesses as much as possible - as opposed to large corporations, as well as giving very thoughtfully with great observation beforehand. To my knowledge, no one has ever returned a gift I've gotten them.

 

Since the beginning of our relationship we've never exchanged gifts. The first birthday of mine we spent together, my husband made turkey rueben sandwiches for dinner. We would rather put the money towards a nice evening out together - (ie dinner and a comedy show). We have no place to put any more stuff.

This last Christmas we decided we wanted to go on an ATV tour of Arizona while we were on vacation - this was our "gift" to each other, along with paying for my dad as our gift to my parents. Normally, our airfare to visit is our gift, since flying around the holidays gets so expensive.

I grew up with experiential gifts - for my birthdays, I could choose what I wanted to do with my dad as a Father/Daughter thing. Those memories are some of my most coveted, long after any material gifts may have been discarded.

 

My wife has a somewhat competitive relationship with her sister. It used to be a lot worse than it is now.

Years ago, one Christmas season at that sister's house (my wife's family isn't Jewish), my wife berated me at one point about the gifts I was or wasn't giving her, compared to the lavish presents her sister was getting from her husband, and that I wasn't caring enough about our finances.

I said, "So I'm not giving you enough gifts, but I'm spending too much on them?"

She paused and said, "Good point."

There hasn't been much tension over gifts since that conversation.

One Valentine's Day, I bought her a high quality paper shredder that she needed for her practice. We still joke about it.

(Admittedly, that was in part because I had been dilatory about uncovering an old paper shredder that we thought was buried among many boxes in our storage unit. It later turned out we were both mistaken about that -- the old shredder stopped working and had been discarded.)

My wife does this all the time.

Your husband is a very lucky man.

 

Eden always knocks it out of the park when he gives me gifts...and he's really hard to buy for. So, I worry a bit about not finding something he'll really like, but I wouldn't say I stress about it. Like @FreeVerse said, it's part of the fun.

We do gifts on Christmas and birthdays, but we skip Sweetest Day, Valentine's Day, and anniversaries. We'll go out to dinner for anniversaries, but since we both previously spent years working in the restaurant industry, we always stay in on V-Day.

If money is a factor, which it is a lot of the time, we'll wait to give each other gifts. I think for Christmas last year, we waited until the end of January.


Basically, it's not a big deal for us. It's, "hey, I found this thing I think you'll like!" and that can be any time. When it started getting cold, I bought Eden a Lannister knitted beanie/cap, because he likes them for some reason ( ), and it would keep his ears warm (and I got a Targaryen one for myself )

 

My wife & I tend to buy what we need and want (within reason for both) throughout the year, with the understanding that the purchases count as presents. It's not very romantic, but it works for us.

 

Now, how much stress do you feel trying to find the right gift? ​

• I used to stress. That's one of the reasons we don't do gifty things any more.

​

Is it better to give experiences rather than material goods? ​

• I am really bad at choosing all of these things. So, I really have no idea.

​

Would you be upset if you both skipped the stress of having to find the perfect gift and just relaxed instead? ​

• Not hardly. I'd much rather relax.

​

Have you ever given them sexual favors or something they couldn't buy at a store?​

• Does a six pack of Westvleteren 12 count?

​

Do you judge your partner on how good or expensive their presents are? ​

• Heck no, that would be stupid.

​

Do you even remember what they got you ~3 years ago? ​

• That was either the year he got me a crock pot or the year I got him cold-weather biking gear and he decided to stop riding.

​

Do you just buy gifts for yourself and let your spouse wrap them?​

• Uh, no.

​

Or are you frugal and don't need any more 'stuff' and don't support the rampant consumerism?​

• Absolutely not. But, my husband often tells me I have too much stuff. I like stuff. But not pointless stuff. I like cooking stuff, and entertainments stuff, and electronics stuff. This year, I could have just used some firewood. Or his presence. And I'd have been the happiest ever.

​

 

Gifting just because the calendar says we're supposed to isn't even on our radar. A card (s0metimes), a hug and a kiss, and maybe a nice night out together are our "gifts" to each other. If we spend a chunk of money on something we want or need, we call that our "Christmas present" or "birthday present," but, generally, only if someone asks what we got for each other.

We have spent most of our lives together scraping by, fighting to overcome debt and keep the bills paid. Pulling money out of the household budget to engage in seasonal consumerism has rarely been a viable option. Prepping for a reasonably comfortable retirement has replaced the debt deficit, so we still don't get very extravagant. Giving each other little treats is a year-round thing.

 

We give gifts. Wonderfully, the wife tells me exactly what she wants, and I get that. I do feel a bit stressed because I don't go off-list enough. Next gift-giving-time I'm going to have to improvise.

 

I could've sworn I responded to this thread already, but whatever.

In previous years, gift giving to others had always been an embarrassing afterthought, especially where my family is concerned. Their eventual adaptation to using Amazon wish lists—with the exception of my mom, who had instead started writing out physical lists to photocopy and send, by postal mail, to her two daughters—definitely made it easier, but most years my ex was taking care of purchasing the gifts long before it would have occurred to me to do so.

This year was very different, and my excitement for getting gifts for @GeneticShift for the first time overwhelmed and bled into my feelings for getting gifts for everyone else. I had more fun this year finding things I knew would make her smile than I'd ever had picking out presents for anyone, which had historically been a challenge for me. For the first time I was buying presents for someone the weekend after Thanksgiving and felt challenged—and rose to that challenge—to keep them a secret till Christmas... or in our case, the week after.

In the future I may not gift quite as many things to her, at least not in terms of quantity, but sharing that much love and joy with gifted surprises for years to come is something I'm already looking forward to.

 

Are you kidding?! I want to give and receive gifts, along with experinces and relaxation and sexual favors! I dont stress re giving nor do I need to spend a lot of $$. Ive given everything from a basket of strawberries to trips both local and foreign. When giving a gift, I think of the other persons comfort and I consider our relationship. Often I give a gift based on what someone said or something I think they would appreciate even in a small way. I have never bought a gift for myself for someone else to give me, and to be honest I have judged an SO on their gift to me before, realizing that they did/did not know me. Even if someone has everything or doesnt need anything, I like to give them gifts. I mean, what?! Because someone has enough and youre frugal, they dont deserve a present?! Oy vey.