Agency, no not that kind of agency

Do you remember that moment in your life? Did you have one?

I have a very difinitive moment in my life when I realized I was now able to control my own space and direction free from my parents oversight and directions. I was responsible for myself and my destiny at that moment.

It was the first day that I got to ride my bike to school in 7th grade. It as a cool morning. I was instructed to follow a particular path and make my way to school. The ride was 1.25 miles and would take about 10-15 minutes. I followed the path I was to take, and at some point I deviated. I went off book and took a route that was out of the way but I wanted to ride by the park that I practiced little league. I remember the feeling of knowing that I could now think and do for myself, but at the risk of being in trouble with my parents if I got into trouble off the path I was supposed to be on.

Then that feeling went away as I became cowed in by high school and new rules and regulations. I followed them properly, small deviations here and there.

It wasn't until I was in college that I had that same epiphany again. It was first that of freshman orientation. I parked my car in an unfamiliar parking lot and went to meet my future, but with some knowledge that I could alter it with my behavior and choices with these new people. I could choose to go by my first name instead of my middle. I could take on new hobbies and interests.

Again, over time that feeling went away, more or less like anything else, this too shall pass.

When I moved to NYC, it didn't come. It didn't come until I quit the family garment company and moved away from family. In fact it didn't come until about 1 year after I moved out when I looked back and every choice that I had made, every dollar made and spent, took care of me. No hand outs, no care packages, nothing that wasn't from my own energy was part of my life. It was at that point I felt it again. Maybe that's what my blog entry is about. I miss that feeling because I am feeling hewn in. Maybe this is why people think that it's easy to just bootstrap yourself to success. In some ways that is true, in others, it is definitely not. Maybe people never find it because they follow a recipe and just do the next thing on the recipe, school, college, marriage, kids.

Today more than every, I think that many are challenged with finding their own agency.

 

It was when I learned that my uncle, who I already had knows was a bully, and my mom mostly kept us away from, was a chronic child molester. She, with my dad firmly in support of her and ever the Rock of our family, was one of the major factors in outing him to the world. I learned that he had raped his two younger brothers and three younger sisters, as well as who knows how many cousins and others weaker than him. He was 6'2", 250lbs, an ex-marine. He threatened to come to our house and kill our entire family. For weeks my mother would only venture out with either my father or I, for fear he was stalking her and would carry out his threat. She only felt safe with us two because she knew that neither of us were afraid of him, and he couldn't bully us because of it. After a few months the threat passed, everyone knew him for what he was, and things got back to normal. My mother's confidence in me made me realize that she basically viewed me as an adult, trusted me as an adult, and that I could handle adult situations. It was the summer I turned 15.

 

Oh God, is this lit class?

I took a Women in American Lit class once. I swear the theme of the class was agency. No surprise, given the time period we were reading in for the most part (1860-1940, lots of regionalism and realism). Some great pieces that promote the discussion of women's agency that I still enjoy reading are Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper" and Kate Chopin's "The Story of an Hour."

Personally, I don't think I've ever had a moment where I thought, "Aha! I'm an adult! I can make my own way!" I have too many obligations to other people to be in total control of my destiny. I don't have any problem with that. Those obligations make up my safety net. For example, my husband makes twice as much money as I do. Does that limit my ability to make my own decisions? Well, yeah, but so does marriage. Part of being married is making decisions together and supporting each other through those decisions.

Additionally, having large amounts of student debt limits the ability to just say, fuck it, I'm going to go my own way. I have to make an income. I can't just quit my day job and start a company. I definitely think that the entrepreneurial spirit and agency go hand in hand.

 

Agency is an illusion.

/Foucault
/TheMatrix

But seriously: I will come back to this thread when I don't have hundreds of pages hanging over my head.