Adult Science Jokes

They can't all be this cheesy? Please?

 

Science? First thought: Large Hadron Collider.

I mean... c'mon... ZombieSquirrel can't even say it.

She said she keeps reading it as "Large Hard-On Collider."

Which is totally what I'm calling my girlfriend's ass tonight.

 

It's true...my mind automatically rearranges letters to make words/phrases dirtier. It's my super hero power...or something.

I LOVE THESE. I have come across a few science puns, thanks to Chemistry Cat, and I am looking for a reason to share them with Professor McAwkward. I'll start with the cute kitty puns and then hopefully be able to move to more of the saucier ones people leave here.

 

hahaha....awesome.

I know lots of science jokes, but none that would be classified as "adult." Hmmm...I'll have to think on this one.

(If, however, you like dirty science-FICTION jokes, go listen to "Sexy Data Tango" by Voltaire. It's hilarious.)

 

Anything I add here will be something I found online that caught my interest, but here is one to start:
"At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."
from a site offering Chemistry Jokes.
--- merged: Nov 21, 2011 11:35 PM ---
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when saturated with alcohol

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation; sure beats a hand.

3. Very effective cleaning agent. Purer specimens cooks as well.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

Even then, to be handled with extreme care.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

LIKELY CONSEQUENCES UPON THEIR INADVERTENT MEETING:

For her: Eyes gorged out. For him: Cock cut off.

 

If Engineers wrote cook books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten (flour)
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 (baking Powder)
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite (salt)
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride (Crisco)
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11(Sugar)
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 (sugar)
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde (my guess vanilla flavoring)
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein (eggs)
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao (cocoa)
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)(nuts)

Method:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.

Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

 

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I can unzip your genes.

 

Are math jokes allowed?

Q. What is the square root of 69?

A. 8 something

 

I thought this one was hilarious:

 

I heard a good joke about neutrinos tomorrow and it was relatively funny.

 

Just found this one -

From: Mooseman#NoSpam.FATE.ohz.north.de (Bjoern "Mooseman" Harste)

(Blame JV for the translation from German.)

The last words of a chemist:
1. And now the tasting test.
2. May that become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away...
19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
22. Something is wrong here...
23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette...

 

As the mathematician said to the proctologist: "I'll just work it out with a pencil".

 

I suppose any joke that ends with "Rectum? Damned near killed him!" could go in here...........

 

A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

And a geology one:
Are you a fossil? because I'd like to date you. You are so gneiss, I'll never take you for granite.

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?


From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after
seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

 

The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula
Power = Work / Time

Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain
Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money, one finds
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.