A Gift I Never Can Repay

Today is a day that I'm very reflective for some reason.

I was reading something from warrrreagl and it made think of the song Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg. One of the lyrics struck me,

In the Philippines there is a saying, "Utang na loob." and I have always taken it's meaning as some debt I hold within that I can never repay.

In 1995, I was frustrated and upset. I was living in the NYC area and I had no friends. I had no social life. I was making $8/hr and working 60 hour work weeks.

I woke up one morning and didn't go to work. I instead opened up the newspaper and circled some wanted ads. I called a couple places and had appointments set at temp agencies in midtown in the afternoon. I cleaned myself up and got to the city. I had an earring, long hair, but I still dressed in nice suits and dress shoes when the time required it.

The first interview was simple. I was told they would call if they had somewhere to send me. I said thanks and went on my way to the next appointment. This went on and on until about 4:30. The last appointment I had was excited to see me because there weren't many computer people with actual computer experience. I left excited. She said she would call me later in the day.

Fifteen minutes after I left the office my beeper went off. I dug aroudn for a quarter andwalked to the payphone. She answered the phone and asked if I could be at an interview in the morning. I said I just needed to know where to be at whatever time they wanted me to be there.

The following morning I was circling 90 Park Avenue waiting for the appointment time. I was sitting pantomiming my patter, thinking of questions to ask about the company, and trying to make myself comfortable and not anxious.

I entered the building and was greeted by a woman. She introduced herself to me as Z. We sat in a conference room and she asked my question after question. I answered them all. She was satisfied with all my answers and then asked if I'd like to see the rest of the operation. She introduced me to the rest of the team and one of the girls asked if she could play with my hair. I let her.

We went back to the conference room and Z asked me if I could start tomorrow. I said I would have to give 2 weeks notice to where I was. She understood and said she was excited to bring me on board.

This was really the beginning of my corporate career in NYC. Days before that I was working in a sweatshop in Hells Kitchen making $8/hr. Suddenly, I'm in a tall glass building on Park Avenue making twice my salary and working only 40 hours.

All because Z gave me a break. She and a few other people there gave me lots of advice for my career. But Z.... I always remember her. We lost touch after a number of years, but I still think of her fondly and how she gave me a break. A break that no one else gave me, a gift. A gift I have never been able to repay. Thank you Z. I thank you all the time.

Has anyone ever giving you a break that make a difference in your life? A gift that you can't repay that person but you repay to the world?

 

In my field, I need letters of recommendation to keep going. My grad school apps required them, and every job I apply for from here on out will require at least three. I owe a great debt to anyone who has ever written me one, as in some small way they've all helped me get here. Many of the people who have written me letters are also mentors of mine. For their mentorship, I also owe them a lot.

I will repay their kindness to the world by being an awesome teacher. They are the ones who enabled me to keep going on his path.

 

Yeah. I definitely have this emotion for a few people in my life.
My PhD advisor. He looked beyond my sketchy academic history and saw my potential, took me on as his student and has offered me excellent support all along the way, encouraging me to grasp opportunities that I never would have considered in my reach.

 

Levite , I had a great moment with one of my kids recently. He hadn't been told what I figured out on my own. He thought his poor grades meant he was stupid. He's not stupid. Not at all. I believe in this kid, going forward. He needs to believe in himself. I frankly told him grades did not equal intelligence; grades equaled effort.

GRADES EQUAL EFFORT.

I just wanted to emphasize that.

 

I keep coming back to this.

There have been many people in my life who've been there for me when I've needed them, and a great many who, in some way, shaped the man I am today. My third decade on Earth is rapidly drawing to a close, and as I look back over my years as a twenty-something I can't help but think about the astounding personal and professional growth I've gone through. This past decade for me has been one of discovering who I am and what I value in life. I've discovered what's important to me, and am learning to let go of what isn't. There have been many figures along that path who've done something to help me find my way. Some are in my life still, and others are not. I've no doubt that some of them don't even realize the impact they've made on me.

I have the thought, from time to time, that even the smallest act of kindness can have a large effect on someone's life. I try to do good where I can. Sometimes I think I don't do enough -- I walk past a homeless person without giving, and I think, I should help that person. Am I wrong not to? I don't know. It feels wrong, but at the same time I don't think it's reasonable to try to help everyone. To want to, sure; but I only have so much of myself to give.

Or is that just an excuse?

I'm a big believer in the idea of paying it forward. When I have an opportunity to help someone I do it without expecting repayment. As far as I'm concerned, it's just me repaying my own debt in the way that I'm able. If someone is insistent I usually tell them to do it for someone else when they can. It might be naive, but I feel like nothing but good can come from encouraging selfless giving.

And for the record, cynthetiq I kind of want to play with your hair. Face it dude, you've got a luscious mane.