question for couples - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

forkies · 11-21-2004, 03:17 AM

how would you feel if you discovered your...

...heterosexual partner looking at homosexual porn?
or
...homosexual partner looking at heterosexual porn?

would you want to know how you fit into your partner's sexual attractions?

Kitenn Kaboodle · 11-21-2004, 06:49 AM

Honestly it wouldn't bother me. We would have a talk about it and find out what the interest is there, so it could be explored.

It's just porn.

scott_p_1 · 11-21-2004, 07:06 AM

It's happened to me a few times. It doesn't really bother me when it happens. But it does give me a false hope that she might invite one of her friends over, which never happened.

adam · 11-21-2004, 07:20 AM

Wouldn't bother me, but doesn't mean much, either.

Bauh4us · 11-21-2004, 09:38 AM

ehh, it's just pron man, no worries unless it escalates from there.

Zeraph · 11-21-2004, 09:48 AM

Wouldn't bother me mostly, but I'd talk to her about it.

Ustwo · 11-21-2004, 12:14 PM

I encourage my wife to look at lesbian porn

She would flip out if I was looking at gay porn, but I would flip out too so its ok.

noodles · 11-21-2004, 12:23 PM

wouldn't be worried at all, provided things are going smoothly in the relationship.

i'm also not worried that she saw an army recruitment commercial and she's going to go enlist behind my back.

xxSquirtxx · 11-21-2004, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

I encourage my wife to look at lesbian porn

She would flip out if I was looking at gay porn, but I would flip out too so its ok.

This totally cracked me up.

My husband is always sending me, umm, girl/girl pics.

Him looking at gay porn? Ehhh....I don't think it would bother me, but it certainly wouldn't turn me on either.

forkies · 11-21-2004, 01:50 PM

what if your partner then told you he or she is not physically attracted to you...at all

is it still "just porn, man"?

adam · 11-21-2004, 02:06 PM

If my partner stopped being attracted to me, I don't see what porn would have to do with it. I just don't see much connection.

xxSquirtxx · 11-21-2004, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by forkies

what if your partner then told you he or she is not physically attracted to you...at all

is it still "just porn, man"?

Meaning? What? That the partner is then using porn as a substitute, or as a serious aide?

1010011010 · 11-21-2004, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxSquirtxx

Him looking at gay porn? Ehhh....I don't think it would bother me, but it certainly wouldn't turn me on either.

So girl-on-girl pics aren't gay porn?

xxSquirtxx · 11-21-2004, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1010011010

So girl-on-girl pics aren't gay porn?

LOL Okay, we're picking nits now?? I don't know, is it? Ask a lesbian that and see what kind of answer you get.

I am fairly certain the basis of the question was: If you're a guy, and you caught your woman looking at lesbian porn, would that upset you? And conversely, if you're a woman and you caught your man looking at "gay" porn, would that upset you? AND, if you're gay/lesbian, would you be bothered by your partner looking at heterosexual porn? Yes???

Are we going to have a semantics class? Or some sensitivity training now?

Aladdin Sane · 11-21-2004, 03:45 PM

You tell him, Squirt!

I would actually be happy to catch my wife looking at lesbian porn. She won't look at any of it now, so if I caught her looking as any porn I would be happy.

Ustwo · 11-21-2004, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1010011010

So girl-on-girl pics aren't gay porn?

No, girl on girl pics are a wonder of nature to be treasured.

Plus since girl on girl is mainstream its just 'porn'. Ask anyone who looks at porn what gay porn is and they won't say girl-girl.

anti fishstick · 11-22-2004, 12:58 AM

I'd probably be fascinated with it and think he wants more anal sex

Bauh4us · 11-22-2004, 07:48 AM

If the porn is interfering in your day to day sex life then it becomes a problem. I guess you can either embrace the porn, as in use it as a sexual aid for both of you (I would imagine you both like looking at naked chicks), or you could tell her it bothers you. Either way I think you need to do some talking with your partner.

1010011010 · 11-22-2004, 03:53 PM

So what if your putative heterosexual girlfriend is looking at hardcore guy-on-guy porn?
Where does that fall?
What about threesome porn that's gender heavy on the same sex as the viewer?
What about heterosexual porn... but it's torture/gore porn? Hawt chix being autopsied?
Clown porn?

Unless she starts trying to wear a red nose to bed, I wouldn't worry about it. And it would generally apply to whatever type of porn she looked at.

forkies · 11-23-2004, 07:28 AM

i think it's interesting to see the assumptions made by people about my sexuality...

the story is: i'm male, my partner is male. we have been together for nearly 4 years. he says he is not physically attracted to me at all, and he gets off to same-sex female porn.

how do i react? can two people who love each other more than anything have a happy relationship when one partner is honestly not physically attracted to the other in the slightest?

also, hypocrisy fills some posts, given the openness some have with embracing homosexual female porn with the dismissal of homosexual male porn. so you like it, stop flaunting it. oddly, i would probably been seen as an annoying "loud and proud" homo if i acted like some people have here. another double-standard.

DaDictionaryBoy · 11-23-2004, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by forkies

i think it's interesting to see the assumptions made by people about my sexuality...

the story is: i'm male, my partner is male. we have been together for nearly 4 years. he says he is not physically attracted to me at all, and he gets off to same-sex female porn.

how do i react? can two people who love each other more than anything have a happy relationship when one partner is honestly not physically attracted to the other in the slightest?

I would have to agree that porn in and of itself has very little to do with the situation. Meaning that the use of porn in a relationship is one issue and the subject matter of that porn a separate one.

The fact that your partner suggests that he's not attracted to you is a huge problem--one that should encourage you to have some LONG honest conversations alone or with a neutral third-party. Doesn't matter if you're M/M or F/F or M/F--lack of attraction is a serious thing. Happens in all couples equally for tons of reasons and the only solution is honest communication.

Now the fact that he's looking specifically at F/F porn should give you some direction to ask questions....is it possible that he's having some "crisis of faith" regarding his sexual orientation? Does he define himself as Bi- rather than Gay? Could it just be momentary curiousity for someone who may not have had experience with women?

Regardless, it would seem that you should have a serious conversation with your partner and get those questions answered.

Acetylene · 11-28-2004, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anti fishstick

I'd probably be fascinated with it and think he wants more anal sex

Yes I would probably figure it's his anus doing the looking.

I would probably ask to make sure he's getting everything he needs.

I wouldn't worry that he doesn't find me attractive though since I know he does!

pinkie · 11-28-2004, 11:39 AM

I might raise an eyebrow...

pinkie · 11-28-2004, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anti fishstick

I'd probably be fascinated with it and think he wants more anal sex

For himself?

KinkyKiwi · 11-28-2004, 04:45 PM

honestly? i would be turned on and start lineing up the mmfs as soon as i could

sadly that is and will always be just a verrry wonderful dream of mine

imkeen · 11-28-2004, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

I encourage my wife to look at lesbian porn

She would flip out if I was looking at gay porn, but I would flip out too so its ok.

HA HA! Exactly.

But back to the bigger quesiton, forkies, if you aren't fully satisfied in a relationship, you should get out of the relationship. Its only self-destructive to wait for things to change.

forkies · 11-29-2004, 07:05 AM

he posted these:

http://post.craigslist.org/manage/45177250/t4b5x
http://post.craigslist.org/manage/44430763/eyu3z

he's also been posting at online dating sites like match.com and some sexual web cam sites.

chickentribs · 12-04-2004, 02:32 PM

forkies, I feel for you -

I am sure it has left you feeling rather alone in the relationship. It is one thing to explore the individual quirks and kinks that we all have (within the agreed rules between two people), but something else to close out your partner altogether as you go down that road. Have you talked much to him about what's happening, or has it become one of those silent uncomfortable things? Obviously your partner is going through some pretty confusing stuff in his own head and I am sure he is dealing with a measure of guilt over it as well. Those are the kind of things that can make all of us just shut down in our relationships and become defensive.

First, I know several couples (straight and gay) who have very happy, intimate relationships that don't include sex with each other. They reached a point where the love and friendship they felt for each other was more important for a lifetime together than getting each other off was. It's certainly not for me - but they do seem genuinely happy and content in their decision. How do they handle the feelings that obviously arise with people outside of the relationship they become involved with? I can't imagine...

Second, don't make your individual needs and desires less valuable than his. From your posts you seem to really be handling this with a lot of patience for the situation. It is obviously a much more complicated thing with your own histories than any of us can understand in a few posts, but understand that there are a whole lot of people who will be attracted to and interested in you. He should see how lucky he is that you are even asking questions about the future of the relationship. 'Kay?

Sounds like your partner needs you as friend a whole lot right now. Who knows where the road goes from here for you two - but you should have a long talk and find a way to go down the road honestly and supportive with each other, not as adversaries. I think.

Good luck...

stbeston · 12-05-2004, 01:31 AM

hah, me and my baby (girl) both had elaborate androgynous phases before we met so this dilemma was basically a given in our relationship. being attracted to one sex and committing to one person isn't very different than being attracted to both sexes and committing to one person. also, i've found in bi-people i've met (who are bright and honest) that the commitment is actually a very large turn-on, as in our case. people like to have limits.

mtnman323 · 12-05-2004, 05:57 PM

yeah... as long as we talked about it and made some understandings about it i think i would be fine

mreman4u · 12-08-2004, 08:53 AM

If my wife was looking at other women, I would use it as an opportunity to seek a FFM threesome.

Pragma · 12-08-2004, 09:30 AM

I'm going to join the majority heterosexual male opinion: if I walked in to catch my girlfriend looking at lesbian porn - or even just pictures of naked women - I would jump on the opportunity to (a) rent & watch lesbian porn with her while having sex, and (b) actively seek out a partner for FFM.

Unfortunately, this hasn't happened

REALESTATEGUY · 12-08-2004, 06:55 PM

I would love for my girlfriend to look at more women in Porn. That would be great

RallyEX · 12-08-2004, 07:45 PM

My wife does/has watched girl on girl porn. She doesn't care for it, but she's curious and adventurous occasionally.

I think that if she caught me watching gay porn, she would be devastated. I'm not sure she'd know how to take it.

11-21-2004, 03:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	question for couples how would you feel if you discovered your... ...heterosexual partner looking at homosexual porn? or ...homosexual partner looking at heterosexual porn? would you want to know how you fit into your partner's sexual attractions?

11-21-2004, 09:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
Bauh4us Tilted	ehh, it's just pron man, no worries unless it escalates from there. __________________ "I aint got time for pain! The only pain I got time for is the pain I put on fools who don't know what time it is!" - Terrible Terry Tate

11-21-2004, 12:14 PM	#7 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	I encourage my wife to look at lesbian porn She would flip out if I was looking at gay porn, but I would flip out too so its ok. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

11-21-2004, 03:45 PM	#15 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	You tell him, Squirt! I would actually be happy to catch my wife looking at lesbian porn. She won't look at any of it now, so if I caught her looking as any porn I would be happy. __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

11-22-2004, 12:58 AM	#17 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	I'd probably be fascinated with it and think he wants more anal sex __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

11-21-2004, 06:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kitenn Kaboodle Upright	Honestly it wouldn't bother me. We would have a talk about it and find out what the interest is there, so it could be explored. It's just porn.

11-21-2004, 07:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
scott_p_1 Crazy	It's happened to me a few times. It doesn't really bother me when it happens. But it does give me a false hope that she might invite one of her friends over, which never happened.

11-21-2004, 07:20 AM	#4 (permalink)
adam Insane	Wouldn't bother me, but doesn't mean much, either.

11-21-2004, 09:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Wouldn't bother me mostly, but I'd talk to her about it.

11-21-2004, 12:23 PM	#8 (permalink)
noodles Psycho Location: sc	wouldn't be worried at all, provided things are going smoothly in the relationship. i'm also not worried that she saw an army recruitment commercial and she's going to go enlist behind my back.

11-21-2004, 01:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	what if your partner then told you he or she is not physically attracted to you...at all is it still "just porn, man"?

11-21-2004, 02:06 PM	#11 (permalink)
adam Insane	If my partner stopped being attracted to me, I don't see what porn would have to do with it. I just don't see much connection.

11-22-2004, 07:48 AM	#18 (permalink)
Bauh4us Tilted	If the porn is interfering in your day to day sex life then it becomes a problem. I guess you can either embrace the porn, as in use it as a sexual aid for both of you (I would imagine you both like looking at naked chicks), or you could tell her it bothers you. Either way I think you need to do some talking with your partner. __________________ "I aint got time for pain! The only pain I got time for is the pain I put on fools who don't know what time it is!" - Terrible Terry Tate

11-22-2004, 03:53 PM	#19 (permalink)
1010011010 Psycho Location: Virginia Beach, VA	So what if your putative heterosexual girlfriend is looking at hardcore guy-on-guy porn? Where does that fall? What about threesome porn that's gender heavy on the same sex as the viewer? What about heterosexual porn... but it's torture/gore porn? Hawt chix being autopsied? Clown porn? Unless she starts trying to wear a red nose to bed, I wouldn't worry about it. And it would generally apply to whatever type of porn she looked at. __________________ *Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions*

11-23-2004, 07:28 AM	#20 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	i think it's interesting to see the assumptions made by people about my sexuality... the story is: i'm male, my partner is male. we have been together for nearly 4 years. he says he is not physically attracted to me at all, and he gets off to same-sex female porn. how do i react? can two people who love each other more than anything have a happy relationship when one partner is honestly not physically attracted to the other in the slightest? also, hypocrisy fills some posts, given the openness some have with embracing homosexual female porn with the dismissal of homosexual male porn. so you like it, stop flaunting it. oddly, i would probably been seen as an annoying "loud and proud" homo if i acted like some people have here. another double-standard.

11-28-2004, 11:39 AM	#23 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	I might raise an eyebrow...

11-28-2004, 04:45 PM	#25 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	honestly? i would be turned on and start lineing up the mmfs as soon as i could sadly that is and will always be just a verrry wonderful dream of mine __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

11-29-2004, 07:05 AM	#27 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	he posted these: http://post.craigslist.org/manage/45177250/t4b5x http://post.craigslist.org/manage/44430763/eyu3z he's also been posting at online dating sites like match.com and some sexual web cam sites.

12-04-2004, 02:32 PM	#28 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	forkies, I feel for you - I am sure it has left you feeling rather alone in the relationship. It is one thing to explore the individual quirks and kinks that we all have (within the agreed rules between two people), but something else to close out your partner altogether as you go down that road. Have you talked much to him about what's happening, or has it become one of those silent uncomfortable things? Obviously your partner is going through some pretty confusing stuff in his own head and I am sure he is dealing with a measure of guilt over it as well. Those are the kind of things that can make all of us just shut down in our relationships and become defensive. First, I know several couples (straight and gay) who have very happy, intimate relationships that don't include sex with each other. They reached a point where the love and friendship they felt for each other was more important for a lifetime together than getting each other off was. It's certainly not for me - but they do seem genuinely happy and content in their decision. How do they handle the feelings that obviously arise with people outside of the relationship they become involved with? I can't imagine... Second, don't make your individual needs and desires less valuable than his. From your posts you seem to really be handling this with a lot of patience for the situation. It is obviously a much more complicated thing with your own histories than any of us can understand in a few posts, but understand that there are a whole lot of people who will be attracted to and interested in you. He should see how lucky he is that you are even asking questions about the future of the relationship. 'Kay? Sounds like your partner needs you as friend a whole lot right now. Who knows where the road goes from here for you two - but you should have a long talk and find a way to go down the road honestly and supportive with each other, not as adversaries. I think. Good luck... __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

12-05-2004, 01:31 AM	#29 (permalink)
stbeston Upright Location: ny,ny	hah, me and my baby (girl) both had elaborate androgynous phases before we met so this dilemma was basically a given in our relationship. being attracted to one sex and committing to one person isn't very different than being attracted to both sexes and committing to one person. also, i've found in bi-people i've met (who are bright and honest) that the commitment is actually a very large turn-on, as in our case. people like to have limits.

12-05-2004, 05:57 PM	#30 (permalink)
mtnman323 Upright	yeah... as long as we talked about it and made some understandings about it i think i would be fine

12-08-2004, 08:53 AM	#31 (permalink)
mreman4u Tilted	If my wife was looking at other women, I would use it as an opportunity to seek a FFM threesome. __________________

12-08-2004, 09:30 AM	#32 (permalink)
Pragma I am Winter Born Location: Alexandria, VA	I'm going to join the majority heterosexual male opinion: if I walked in to catch my girlfriend looking at lesbian porn - or even just pictures of naked women - I would jump on the opportunity to (a) rent & watch lesbian porn with her while having sex, and (b) actively seek out a partner for FFM. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened

12-08-2004, 06:55 PM	#33 (permalink)
REALESTATEGUY Upright Location: jersey shore, pa	partner looking a porn I would love for my girlfriend to look at more women in Porn. That would be great

12-08-2004, 07:45 PM	#34 (permalink)
RallyEX Tilted Location: Southeast Ohio	My wife does/has watched girl on girl porn. She doesn't care for it, but she's curious and adventurous occasionally. I think that if she caught me watching gay porn, she would be devastated. I'm not sure she'd know how to take it.