Can someone with herpes have safe sex?

[Mikado]

Ok, a little backstory to this question. I met a great girl about a month ago. We started dating and had some really engaging coversations. She's experienced a lot in her life thus far, as have I, and we shared many common interests. Eventually we get to a point where we are in a position to have sex. However, she politely stops me and carefully informs me that she has herpes. She made some bad choices in college and was one of the unlucky few to bring along something from her past.

My initial reaction was a childish "eww gross." But I thought about it for a while and I respected her for being honest with me and confronting me about before we became intimate. We've all got histories or baggage at some point so I don't hold any of her past against her. My question though, is it possible for someone with herpes to have safe sex, and not spread it to their partner? I've never confronted this type of situation nor have I ever really read about treatment and effects of the disease.

Comments, suggestions?

[jdubz]

Well, research this on the web for sure BUT, I think it can only spread if she's broken out.

Breakouts only happen like once a month and last 3-4 days, then it goes away. Doesnt always happen like clockwork, so, she's gotta pay attention.


You can also just wrap that rascal if it makes you feel better, BUT, to be sure, I'd avoid doing anything during the breakout period.






That shit's like luggage, you tote it wherever you go.

[tooth]

Its my understanding, that so long as the herpes is not currently "active"(i.e. no sores), it isn't contageous.

[jdubz]

Originally posted by tooth
Its my understanding, that so long as the herpes is not currently "active"(i.e. no sores), it isn't contageous.

That's what I was trying to say. Pretty sure thats correct.

I'd still wrap that rascal.

[Jim Kata]

I heard that you can get it even if there isn't a breakout. But haven't done any research on it....I would just put on the jimmy protector (actually, I wouldn't mess with it at all, but I'm dumb like that).

[jdubz]

Here son, this is your best best:


http://www.herpies.com/

[ShaniFaye]

I have a very very close friend that has herpes...you need to know WHAT kind she has. Unfortunately for my friend his can be transmitted anytime..there doesnt need to be a "break" out...but he has a rarer form of it.....poor thing...

[Mikado]

Originally posted by jdubz
Here son, this is your best best:

http://www.herpies.com/

Much appreciated.

[jdubz]

Just remeber, seriously, TAKE CARE OF #1.



You know what I'm sayin.

[maleficent]

The commercials for the Herpes medicications (and a commercial would never lie woudl they) that the disease can still be transmitted even though there's not an outbreak.

[NoSoup]

A classmate of mine had herpes, and she was devastated to find out that it can (although less likely) be transmitted ANY time, break-out or not.

I am not sure what an effective way to prevent it would be, I certainly would stay away during any breakouts, and am unfamiliar as to what means of protection would protect against it. I would imagine condoms would work, but wouldn't bet my, or your, life on it without further research.

[Mikado]

Well from what I've been reading today, most cases have a very low chance of tranmission between outbreaks. Of course they still highly suggest a condom for intercourse. She has Type 2 Herpes which is genital. Unfortunately that means no oral sex for her, unless maybe with a latex barrier or something. That's too bad, I rather enjoy that. I guess my problem now is where to go from here. Do I continue to persue a relationship with her, all the while taking a chance every time we become intimate? Will I have the same physical emotions for her now that I know the current circumstances? I hate to bail on her like I'm sure most guys do. I can't imagine how tough it is for her living with such a condition. I suppose I'll take it slow and play it by ear.

[Holo]

I have a close friend with herpes as well. It's very hard to not balk at first, but realize she's a person and didn't ask for the disease. It *is* true you can get it at any time and can even transmit it to the mouth thru oral tho it's pretty rare and depends on the strength of her outbreaks. Some almost never have an outbreak, and when they do, it's gone in a couple days. Others it's a painful week long experience.


Also realize her outbreaks will most likely follow her menstrual cycle so Period week is also Herpes Week, leaving her out of commission sexually the whole week (recommended anyway). According to what has been told to me a herpetic can tell early when an outbreak is coming so she should be able to warn you tho this is no guarantee. Ask yourself this question; are your feelings and the person she is worth the (albeit slim) possibility of you gettting the disease yourself?


If you do decide you can't hang, be as easy on her as you can. She's already got a sexual black cloud hanging over her that will haunt her thru all chances of getting with a guy so be as sensitive about it as possible.

[LondonsBurning]

Just ask yourself if she's worth the risk. If I was dating someone with the disease and we looked at eachother in terms of a longterm relationship like marriage, I'd go through with it.

On one hand, herpes isn't a life threatening disease. The only case I can think of with it being life threatening is if a woman has open sores while delivering a baby, risking transmitting the disease to the baby which could be lifethreatening to the child. In those cases though, doctors perform a C-section.


Since herpes can shed even with no signs of open sores you're always at risk of getting it, but using a condom, and a barrier when performing oral sex can of course help lower the risk of getting the disease.

[Halx]

From my point of view, I would not be taking any chances. I would be her friend, though. If she wanted me to, I would talk dirty to her and I would engage her fantasies over the phone or internet. I would not, however, get busy with her physically.

I would be her friend through her future relationships and her *inspiration* in between them. I'd also continue to have a life of my own, with people who don't have as much risk associated with them.

Tough breaks.

[Carno]

Bummer bro. That's a tough situation.

At this point in my life (I'm 19) if I ran into that situation, I'd have to cut it off. The chance of getting a PERMANENT disease just for a casual relationship is not worth it, for me. You'll have to examine your feelings for her and your relationship with her and if you think the relationship might turn into marriage....

[*Nikki*]

I would definately base your decision on your feelings for this chic and the potential of the relationship being permenant.

There are plenty of disease free chics to have sex with out there.

[Meier_Link]

I may be a cold-hearted bastard, but I say no way, no how, no matter what. Think about it for a little while. Herpes is permanent, it NEVER goes away. One of my girlfriend's friends has it, and I'll just say that she gets around. She also claims to be allergic to latex and so never uses a condom.

I have a lot of respect for this girl for being so honest with you about it.

I look at it this way. There's a very good chance that you won't die from shooting heroin and the feeling is supposed second to none. Would you do that?

Sorry if this post has offended anyone, but I feel there are some risks that are just not worth taking.

[yakimushi]

I would have to concur with the rest of the nay-sayers in here. Herpes is for LIFE. If you pick it up from this girl and things don't work out between the two of you, now YOU have to deal with this same issue.

I had to make a similar decision a couple months ago with a MUCH less serious disease (HPV, ie genital warts). I took the healthy route because I wasn't sure it was going to be a lifelong relationship and I'm pretty young.

Like Halx said, be her friend. Be a great friend, but look out for #1.

It's too scary and PERMANENT of a thing for me to deal with. I think I'd have to 'regretfully decline'.

Good luck

[meepa]

Do NOT risk getting this permanent disease unless you are positive you are going to have a long, meaningful relationship with this person. There is no point in you taking a chance with someone you don't even know you'll be with. Like someone said, LOOK OUT FOR #1!!! You do NOT have to feel guilty about this behavior. It was her fault she made a mistake in her past... It is clear she is a good person, especially because she was honest with you, but still, feel no pressure to do anything risky. If you're really nice, you can go with Hal and try to help her in any other nonphysical ways. But if it was me, I would reduce the situation to a nonsexual relationship all together. Unless, of course, you just discovered she is your one true love.

[omega2K4]

Forget it. Just be friends with her, just break it off nicely, so she doesn't get pissed off or sad.

[iamnormal]

I think most of us here allready have herpes varicella zoster virus.

[doncalypso]

From what I know (or rather think I know) about herpes, once you get that disease it is a permanent condition.

Like with all viruses, there is no cure for herpes, and an infected person can transmit the virus even if they are symptom-free. And of course, during an outbreak they are much more likely to transmit the disease than when they're not exhibiting any symptoms. If I remember correctly, herpes is not just transmitted through genital fluids but also through skin-to-skin contact. So therefore, I doubt there can be any safe sex with someone that has the herpes virus.

[Captain Nemo]

Okay, my two cents. I have always had cold sores since I was a little kid (Herpes Type 1). I hadn't had an outbreak in close to 20 years but a few years ago I had one. A couple of weeks later, I noticed that I was starting to get small little sores on the underside of my penis. I went to the doctor who confirmed that it was Herpes (Type 1). She figured that I had somehow transferred it down while the mouth sore was active. She said it is rare for type 1 to be found in the genitals, but she also said that stranger things have happened.

Well, my fiance, while initially horrified, came to accept it. Now the weirdest thing is, is that after that initial onset, I did not experience one again for a couple of years. However, my fiance got it (and no you do not need an active sore to be infectious) and she gets it all of the time (6 to 7 times a year, and it's active for between 1 and 2 weeks).

Here's the really strange thing, she gets her active sore region on the upper part of her left ass cheek. No, we haven't had anal sex (well, I haven't given't it to her, infer what you would like) so the area in this case wasn't the point of direct contact (unless we were doing some Twister induced position that I don't remember).

Her outbreaks usually make her feel like she has a touch of the flu, and the entire area is extremely sensitive the entire time. The sores (in her case one sore, always one) are usually large and inflamed, and it lasts like I said before, between a week and two weeks. Stress also seems to make her more succeptible to having an attack.

My outbreaks happen about once every year to a year and a half. The sores are extremely small (the size of a head of pin) and appear on the underside of the front of my penis. They last approximately 2 to 3 days.

Another interesting fact, she is on daily medication to suppress it (which doesn't seem to be helping), and I take nothing for it. When she has an attack she has further medication to take as well as a topical ointment. Me, I take nothing when I get it.

We have learned to live with it, but it can be a huge pain in the ass (literaly for her).

Anyway, I just wanted you to get some information from someone who lives with it and it is a part of our relationship. The funny thing is you should look at that girl adoringly (as opposed to running away as most have suggested) because the guts she had to tell you this is admirable. As far as intimacy with her, no one on this board can offer you an opinion, it is solely yours. I'm sure at first glance, if my wife had asked anyone, they would have probably responded as most here did. She didn't run, though, nad we have been together for the past 6 years, and look forward to many more.

[Mikado]

Thanks for all the comments. I've been giving this a lot of thought the past few days. I tend to agree with most of you guys, and I'm seriously considering breaking it off. It's way too early to tell if there's anything long lasting, and I definitely don't have those "she's the one" feelings yet. However, she's one cool chick. We went out last night from 7pm to 2am, just having fun and striking up conversation. She's very opinionated and sincere. I've got a lot of respect for her and I hope we become really close friends. However, I just don't know that I could commit to a more romantic relationship in her condition. I'm definitely not going to be an ass, and kick her to the curb though. She doesn't deserve that.

Life loves to throw curveballs.

[brinkn1]

Originally posted by iamnormal
I think most of us here allready have herpes varicella zoster virus.

Though I would venture to say there's a slight difference between Genital Herpes and Chickenpox (herpes varicella zoster)