Friends after breakup - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Contrary · 05-21-2004, 11:59 AM

Me and my girlfriend of a year and 7 monthes decided to call it off today, we've taken breaks and crap before but its serious this time. She's my best friend, but this sort of puts a damper on things. She asked me if we can still be friends afterwards, and i didn't quite know what to say, theres a whole question of jelousy if she finds someone else ( i didn't really want this to happen ) and the whole issue of getting over her isn't as easy if we still talk and hang out with eachother with other friends.
My question is if anyone has been in this situation before, how'd it work out? Like i said, i didn't really want this to happen, so i still have strong feelings for her, i just don't know if its a good idea to stay friends or to just block her out completely, or at least until i get over it.

thanks!

Mephex · 05-21-2004, 12:02 PM

Been there. Tried that.

Let me be the first to suggest that you immerse yourself in something else. If it helps, find another girl and have a rebound fling. Just get over her. You have to.

In a few months, maybe a year, if you're still interested in her, then give her a call.

But you need to get away for a while and let yourself heal.

maleficent · 05-21-2004, 12:07 PM

Your best bet is to put her behind you until you have "gotten over it". Once there's some distance, then reevaluate how you feel.

Guys I've been "in love" with, I couldn't be friends with after the break up, it was just too hard to watch them with other women. Guys, that I liked, but didn't love, no problem, I stood up for one of them at his wedding about a year ago, and it was great.

Ask yourself how you'd feel about seeing her out with another guy, and when she leaves to go home with that guy, if you aren't disturbed by what she and he might be doing, and how you think it should be you instead, then the whole friendship idea is probably a bad one. If you can be happy for her, then pursue the friendship.

hossified · 05-21-2004, 12:10 PM

been there....got the t-shirt and it sucked bag!! Give yourself about 8 months to a year....totally apart. As friends you'll just end up having sex or falling back to the old routine. Totally write her off...and in about a year...call her up and see how it's going.

R3d · 05-21-2004, 12:12 PM

ive been thru the same thing before.. basically i did what Mephex said.. had a rebound fling.. my ex and i still talked a bit tho.. it wasnt till a month or two after we broke up did we start hanging out again.. it worked out pretty well for me.. we talk all the time now.. things are only as awkward as you make them.. best of luck tho.. breaking up is always a hard thing to do..

Kazic · 05-21-2004, 12:41 PM

not sure if I am in a position to help as I am going through a break up myself. But I know that the distance thing is helping and I have been trying to imerse myself in other things as if I am busy doing something I can't be pining over my ex. Not sure I feel good about a fling right now as it seems like more trouble than its worth. Maybe thats just me though. Hope you are doing better than me though.

Holo · 05-21-2004, 12:44 PM

Nope. Of course I wait till I hate the person till I get out, but it would be worse to try to be close to her and not be able to be close to her. Tell her you need some distance and take it.

doncalypso · 05-21-2004, 01:04 PM

If she calls it off and then asks to remain friends I'd run away as fast as I could...

For all you know, she could already have someone else (or had been cheating on you with someone else) and is just playing you for a fool.

NeoSparky · 05-21-2004, 02:45 PM

For me it depends on the reason for the breakup.. You mentioned you didn't want the breakup to happen. Why is it happening? It takes 2 to get together, but only 1 to breakup? was there no talking about why the breakup?

Too many variables... If there was an agreement and your man enough to handle her being with another man then be friends. It's not as bad as everyone says. Some of my best friends were prior lovers.

If she's breaking it off because there's someone else, then run. get away, never look back. Make sure n get some goodbye poon before you leave tho.

clockworkgreen · 05-21-2004, 02:54 PM

Since nobody asked, how old are you and is this your first relationship?

If age < 20 and "yes", don't look back. Get over it and keep going. I know, best friend, yada yada, we've all been there. Just get out of the situation.

World's King · 05-21-2004, 03:27 PM

Doesn't work.

Run for your life and have lots of random sex. It's the only way. I'm being serious.

Sugar&Spice · 05-21-2004, 04:03 PM

Don't call her..don't send emails. Leave her completely alone or you will never get over her. Being friends after having a relationship doesn't seem to work because usually one person wants out and the other doesn't. The one that didn't want to split will still harbor feelings for the other person and then jealousy will start to form and jealousy makes people mean. Maybe try to get ahold of her in like 6 mos. just to catch up.

*Nikki* · 05-21-2004, 05:47 PM

I agree 100% with King.

There is no way to continue a healthy friendship under these circumstances.

Cut your losses.

WarWagon · 05-21-2004, 10:26 PM

Agree. Run far, far away. I tried being just friends, both had mixed feelings, then I got bitchslapped and was miserable.

Fuck her, we never liked her anyways.

World's King · 05-22-2004, 01:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by WarWagon
Fuck her, we never liked her anyways.

Yeah...

What's her number?

Contrary · 05-22-2004, 07:57 PM

Thanks for everyones input, yah this is my first relationship, we're both just about to graduate highschool. We started talking about breaking up a few weeks ago, we argue a lot, probably because we handle things differently in a lot of cases, just too different from eachother. Turns out there is another guy, she works with him and he apparently likes her, but she says she just likes the attention he gives her, and doesnt have any real feelings for him. Then after a little while i'll ask her again and she'll say she has small feelings for him, but they dont compare to the feelings she has for me, and that shes not wanting to rush into another relationship.

Esco · 05-22-2004, 08:16 PM

Being "friends" afterwards hasn't worked out yet. There's still too many emotions that can cause problems later. After sharing so much together, it was hard to see the other person share with somebody else.

wallace1 · 05-25-2004, 11:52 AM

Nope, no friends. It's over it's over, don't torture yourself. It just does not work.

ruggerp11 · 05-25-2004, 12:25 PM

Whoa, timely question for me.

I was with a girl for 5 years, and we broke up last August. We have seen each other a hand full of times since then. She really wanted me back, but I said no. Now a full 9 months later she came to my Grad party and we talked like friends.

Despite this there was still tension.

I would say for your mutual mental health that you should not talk to her (Or talk very little) for the next 6-9 months (this will depend on the length of the relationship), after that you can talk and hang out again but there will still probably be tension unless it was a mutual breakup.

Good luck and post back often!!

isis · 05-25-2004, 02:58 PM

We seem to have alot on common - age, relationship, time of relationship .. etc.

From personal experience, I'll tell you this - I thought things would work out. I thought we could be friends. However, I guess I thought wrong. I was way too hurt about everything, and every time I talked to him it made it worse. Finally, just last night, after a month of continuous fighting, I cut him loose. I got tired of getting hurt.

The best advice I got was to just cut yourself completely off. I know how hard it is, its a complete lifestyle change. I don't hate the guy, but I sure hold alot of contempt for him. Just do everything you can to bond with old friends, have a good time .. just don't try to dwell on it. I got hurt so bad I have to go to therapy now .. so please, do yourself a favor, no matter how much it hurts.. Remember that your friendship won't last if you force it.

My boyfriend was by far my best friend, and one of the best people I've ever met. I think time will heal some wounds.. and until then .. we're nothing.

Its hard, but I hope things work out for you.

clockworkgreen · 05-25-2004, 03:20 PM

Do you really want to be with some chick from your high school for the rest of your life?? If so, that's pretty terrible.

dirtyrascal7 · 05-25-2004, 04:47 PM

believe it or not, i'm still good friends with all of my exgirlfriends except one, and she was an immature druggie... so i can't really relate to all these "it's over, forget her completely" statements that everyone is making.

it will take some time and some space for you two to be able to hang out again just as friends... could be a month, could be half a year... it all depends on how quickly each of you move on. considering she's your "first love", however... it will probably take a little longer, and that's okay. just do what feels natural and take it very slow.

i don't recommend calling her or hanging out with her for a while... but if she contacts you, don't just blow her off, show her the respect she deserves. after all, she's going through the same thing as you.

gorilla · 05-25-2004, 06:43 PM

If you still have feelings for her, which I assume you do, then it is way to hard to be friends with her. Think about how you would feel if you were hanging out with her and she got a call from some guy and left. Don't a good feeling, right? Try to isolate yourself from her for a couple months and see what happens. Rebound flings are not always necessary, especially if your feelings are strong enough for her. It's a shitty situation, that I am in too, but I was an idiot and didnt even take my advice. I'm still friends with the girl that crushed me 4 months ago, and I've been so jealous of her and other guys it makes me sick. Do what I say, not what I do.

kurty[B] · 05-25-2004, 08:34 PM

Yeah, until your feelings for her have subsided some (I'd say 6 months or more depending on how "in love" you were) then maybe you can hang as friends. Really depends on if the two of you are jealous.

One of my "friends" had a rough relationship with his girl, and they had gone through serious break-ups and reconnecs on and off for well over a year. Well, I befriended his girl, never even thought of having a relationship with her, and because of his jealousy he's completely stopped talking to me, and a lot of other crap has happened, but needless to say I lost some good-friends that are also friends with him because of the situation.

So, coming from the other perspective I'd keep contact with her to a minimum so that jealousy doesn't override and just makes you miserable.

StephenSa · 05-26-2004, 10:36 AM

I use the Band-Aid analogy. Better to just rip it off in one quick painful yank then slowly torturing yourself slowly pulling it loose. Since you aren't so crazy about this break-up being around her and seeing her with other guys will drive you crazy. Better to give yourself some time to heal and create a life without her. After you are centered and your emotions are in check (at least six months I would say) then if you still want her as a good friend contact her and go from there. I've gone through this before and tried both remaining friends and the wait and see thing. Invariably staying away for a while and getting myself in order was the better choice. Sorry about your break-up. Hope everything turns our alright.

asudevil83 · 05-26-2004, 10:51 AM

iv'e got two of my best friends that had been together for 3 YEARS that broke up about 3 weeks ago.....they are trying the whole "lets be friends" thing, and honestly the girl is doing aweful, and its because of the guy. many of us have the girl to just stay away from him for a while, but she just responds with "i'm fine." its really pissing me off lately, and its gotten to the point where i have to choose between the two of them on any given night, so that i keep them away from eachother.

first of all, they when their is a bunch of us hanging out, they usually end up talking. and its not just regular talking, its DRUNKEN TALKING. we've had 4 21st birthday (including mine) this month, and when both of them are there, they each bring their own drama to the table. VERY BAD IDEA.

second of all, the guy, when drunk get as HORNY AS FUCK. bad news when he keeps on flirting, touching, and eyeing his ex who is trying to get over him. it makes for dumb as drama.

so....usually what happens is we all start hanging out.....then we start drinking......the guy gets horny and does stupid shit.......makes girl feel uncomfortable so they have to talk......they are gone for a couple hours......they come back not talking......she goes home or tells him to leave.

the second scenario......we all go out....guy hits on and flirts with other girls blatantly.....girl gets pissed off and wants to go home.......whole night is ruined.

YEA FOR FUCKED UP PEOPLE.

05-21-2004, 11:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
Contrary Upright	Friends after breakup Me and my girlfriend of a year and 7 monthes decided to call it off today, we've taken breaks and crap before but its serious this time. She's my best friend, but this sort of puts a damper on things. She asked me if we can still be friends afterwards, and i didn't quite know what to say, theres a whole question of jelousy if she finds someone else ( i didn't really want this to happen ) and the whole issue of getting over her isn't as easy if we still talk and hang out with eachother with other friends. My question is if anyone has been in this situation before, how'd it work out? Like i said, i didn't really want this to happen, so i still have strong feelings for her, i just don't know if its a good idea to stay friends or to just block her out completely, or at least until i get over it. thanks!

05-21-2004, 12:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mephex Psycho	Been there. Tried that. Let me be the first to suggest that you immerse yourself in something else. If it helps, find another girl and have a rebound fling. Just get over her. You have to. In a few months, maybe a year, if you're still interested in her, then give her a call. But you need to get away for a while and let yourself heal. __________________ He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country. There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections. -Samuel Adams

05-21-2004, 12:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Your best bet is to put her behind you until you have "gotten over it". Once there's some distance, then reevaluate how you feel. Guys I've been "in love" with, I couldn't be friends with after the break up, it was just too hard to watch them with other women. Guys, that I liked, but didn't love, no problem, I stood up for one of them at his wedding about a year ago, and it was great. Ask yourself how you'd feel about seeing her out with another guy, and when she leaves to go home with that guy, if you aren't disturbed by what she and he might be doing, and how you think it should be you instead, then the whole friendship idea is probably a bad one. If you can be happy for her, then pursue the friendship. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-21-2004, 12:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	not sure if I am in a position to help as I am going through a break up myself. But I know that the distance thing is helping and I have been trying to imerse myself in other things as if I am busy doing something I can't be pining over my ex. Not sure I feel good about a fling right now as it seems like more trouble than its worth. Maybe thats just me though. Hope you are doing better than me though. __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

05-21-2004, 12:44 PM	#7 (permalink)
Holo A Real American	Nope. Of course I wait till I hate the person till I get out, but it would be worse to try to be close to her and not be able to be close to her. Tell her you need some distance and take it. __________________ I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

05-21-2004, 12:10 PM	#4 (permalink)
hossified face f$cker Location: canada	been there....got the t-shirt and it sucked bag!! Give yourself about 8 months to a year....totally apart. As friends you'll just end up having sex or falling back to the old routine. Totally write her off...and in about a year...call her up and see how it's going.

05-21-2004, 12:12 PM	#5 (permalink)
R3d Insane Location: Sask, Canada	ive been thru the same thing before.. basically i did what Mephex said.. had a rebound fling.. my ex and i still talked a bit tho.. it wasnt till a month or two after we broke up did we start hanging out again.. it worked out pretty well for me.. we talk all the time now.. things are only as awkward as you make them.. best of luck tho.. breaking up is always a hard thing to do..

05-21-2004, 01:04 PM	#8 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	If she calls it off and then asks to remain friends I'd run away as fast as I could... For all you know, she could already have someone else (or had been cheating on you with someone else) and is just playing you for a fool. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

05-21-2004, 02:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
NeoSparky Crazy	For me it depends on the reason for the breakup.. You mentioned you didn't want the breakup to happen. Why is it happening? It takes 2 to get together, but only 1 to breakup? was there no talking about why the breakup? Too many variables... If there was an agreement and your man enough to handle her being with another man then be friends. It's not as bad as everyone says. Some of my best friends were prior lovers. If she's breaking it off because there's someone else, then run. get away, never look back. Make sure n get some goodbye poon before you leave tho.

05-21-2004, 02:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Since nobody asked, how old are you and is this your first relationship? If age < 20 and "yes", don't look back. Get over it and keep going. I know, best friend, yada yada, we've all been there. Just get out of the situation.

05-21-2004, 03:27 PM	#11 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	Doesn't work. Run for your life and have lots of random sex. It's the only way. I'm being serious. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

05-21-2004, 04:03 PM	#12 (permalink)
Sugar&Spice Psycho	Don't call her..don't send emails. Leave her completely alone or you will never get over her. Being friends after having a relationship doesn't seem to work because usually one person wants out and the other doesn't. The one that didn't want to split will still harbor feelings for the other person and then jealousy will start to form and jealousy makes people mean. Maybe try to get ahold of her in like 6 mos. just to catch up. __________________ -Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

05-21-2004, 05:47 PM	#13 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	I agree 100% with King. There is no way to continue a healthy friendship under these circumstances. Cut your losses.

05-21-2004, 10:26 PM	#14 (permalink)
WarWagon Loser	Agree. Run far, far away. I tried being just friends, both had mixed feelings, then I got bitchslapped and was miserable. Fuck her, we never liked her anyways.

05-22-2004, 07:57 PM	#16 (permalink)
Contrary Upright	Thanks for everyones input, yah this is my first relationship, we're both just about to graduate highschool. We started talking about breaking up a few weeks ago, we argue a lot, probably because we handle things differently in a lot of cases, just too different from eachother. Turns out there is another guy, she works with him and he apparently likes her, but she says she just likes the attention he gives her, and doesnt have any real feelings for him. Then after a little while i'll ask her again and she'll say she has small feelings for him, but they dont compare to the feelings she has for me, and that shes not wanting to rush into another relationship.

05-22-2004, 08:16 PM	#17 (permalink)
Esco Insane	Being "friends" afterwards hasn't worked out yet. There's still too many emotions that can cause problems later. After sharing so much together, it was hard to see the other person share with somebody else. __________________ The user formerly known as BlingBling

05-25-2004, 11:52 AM	#18 (permalink)
wallace1 Tilted Location: Princeton,NJ	Nope, no friends. It's over it's over, don't torture yourself. It just does not work. __________________ Midway in the journey of our life I came to myself in a dark wood, for the straight way was lost.

05-25-2004, 12:25 PM	#19 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	Whoa, timely question for me. I was with a girl for 5 years, and we broke up last August. We have seen each other a hand full of times since then. She really wanted me back, but I said no. Now a full 9 months later she came to my Grad party and we talked like friends. Despite this there was still tension. I would say for your mutual mental health that you should not talk to her (Or talk very little) for the next 6-9 months (this will depend on the length of the relationship), after that you can talk and hang out again but there will still probably be tension unless it was a mutual breakup. Good luck and post back often!! __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

05-25-2004, 02:58 PM	#20 (permalink)
isis Insane Location: In the Woods.	We seem to have alot on common - age, relationship, time of relationship .. etc. From personal experience, I'll tell you this - I thought things would work out. I thought we could be friends. However, I guess I thought wrong. I was way too hurt about everything, and every time I talked to him it made it worse. Finally, just last night, after a month of continuous fighting, I cut him loose. I got tired of getting hurt. The best advice I got was to just cut yourself completely off. I know how hard it is, its a complete lifestyle change. I don't hate the guy, but I sure hold alot of contempt for him. Just do everything you can to bond with old friends, have a good time .. just don't try to dwell on it. I got hurt so bad I have to go to therapy now .. so please, do yourself a favor, no matter how much it hurts.. Remember that your friendship won't last if you force it. My boyfriend was by far my best friend, and one of the best people I've ever met. I think time will heal some wounds.. and until then .. we're nothing. Its hard, but I hope things work out for you.

05-25-2004, 03:20 PM	#21 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Do you really want to be with some chick from your high school for the rest of your life?? If so, that's pretty terrible.

05-25-2004, 04:47 PM	#22 (permalink)
dirtyrascal7 That's what she said	believe it or not, i'm still good friends with all of my exgirlfriends except one, and she was an immature druggie... so i can't really relate to all these "it's over, forget her completely" statements that everyone is making. it will take some time and some space for you two to be able to hang out again just as friends... could be a month, could be half a year... it all depends on how quickly each of you move on. considering she's your "first love", however... it will probably take a little longer, and that's okay. just do what feels natural and take it very slow. i don't recommend calling her or hanging out with her for a while... but if she contacts you, don't just blow her off, show her the respect she deserves. after all, she's going through the same thing as you. __________________ "Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past." "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

05-25-2004, 06:43 PM	#23 (permalink)
gorilla Insane Location: USA	If you still have feelings for her, which I assume you do, then it is way to hard to be friends with her. Think about how you would feel if you were hanging out with her and she got a call from some guy and left. Don't a good feeling, right? Try to isolate yourself from her for a couple months and see what happens. Rebound flings are not always necessary, especially if your feelings are strong enough for her. It's a shitty situation, that I am in too, but I was an idiot and didnt even take my advice. I'm still friends with the girl that crushed me 4 months ago, and I've been so jealous of her and other guys it makes me sick. Do what I say, not what I do. __________________ I'll bet you $5 that you read the previous word...

05-25-2004, 08:34 PM	#24 (permalink)
kurty[B] Sauce Puppet	Yeah, until your feelings for her have subsided some (I'd say 6 months or more depending on how "in love" you were) then maybe you can hang as friends. Really depends on if the two of you are jealous. One of my "friends" had a rough relationship with his girl, and they had gone through serious break-ups and reconnecs on and off for well over a year. Well, I befriended his girl, never even thought of having a relationship with her, and because of his jealousy he's completely stopped talking to me, and a lot of other crap has happened, but needless to say I lost some good-friends that are also friends with him because of the situation. So, coming from the other perspective I'd keep contact with her to a minimum so that jealousy doesn't override and just makes you miserable.

05-26-2004, 10:36 AM	#25 (permalink)
StephenSa Psycho Location: Dallas, Texas	I use the Band-Aid analogy. Better to just rip it off in one quick painful yank then slowly torturing yourself slowly pulling it loose. Since you aren't so crazy about this break-up being around her and seeing her with other guys will drive you crazy. Better to give yourself some time to heal and create a life without her. After you are centered and your emotions are in check (at least six months I would say) then if you still want her as a good friend contact her and go from there. I've gone through this before and tried both remaining friends and the wait and see thing. Invariably staying away for a while and getting myself in order was the better choice. Sorry about your break-up. Hope everything turns our alright. __________________ Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

05-26-2004, 10:51 AM	#26 (permalink)
asudevil83 Psycho Location: Scottsdale, AZ	iv'e got two of my best friends that had been together for 3 YEARS that broke up about 3 weeks ago.....they are trying the whole "lets be friends" thing, and honestly the girl is doing aweful, and its because of the guy. many of us have the girl to just stay away from him for a while, but she just responds with "i'm fine." its really pissing me off lately, and its gotten to the point where i have to choose between the two of them on any given night, so that i keep them away from eachother. first of all, they when their is a bunch of us hanging out, they usually end up talking. and its not just regular talking, its DRUNKEN TALKING. we've had 4 21st birthday (including mine) this month, and when both of them are there, they each bring their own drama to the table. VERY BAD IDEA. second of all, the guy, when drunk get as HORNY AS FUCK. bad news when he keeps on flirting, touching, and eyeing his ex who is trying to get over him. it makes for dumb as drama. so....usually what happens is we all start hanging out.....then we start drinking......the guy gets horny and does stupid shit.......makes girl feel uncomfortable so they have to talk......they are gone for a couple hours......they come back not talking......she goes home or tells him to leave. the second scenario......we all go out....guy hits on and flirts with other girls blatantly.....girl gets pissed off and wants to go home.......whole night is ruined. YEA FOR FUCKED UP PEOPLE.