STDs and rejection - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Holo · 01-17-2004, 12:52 PM

If you discovered someone you had been dating had an incurable STD would you reject them or stop dating them?

Imagine the scenario:

You've been on a few dates, nothing sexual has happened, you guys hit it off and they are a person you'd like to get to know. Then they sit you down and say they need to tell you something. They tell you they have an incurable STD, whether it be AIDS, Herpes, or Hep B or C. You really like this person in every other way, and you find them attractive. They tell you they will answer every question you have, and if you can't deal with it, they will understand.

Would you run out of the room? Would you politely tell them you can't deal with that? Would you educate yourself on the disease and see if safe sex is posssible and could be as fun as regular sex? Keep in mind they cared for your safety and didn't do anything sexual with you before informing you of their illness.

I could deal with most diseases, tho I would be given pause about someone with AIDS. It's not just the fact that you could get a fatal disease, but the fact that you get involved with someone who is most likely to die within 10 years. If I really felt something special for the person, I mean take a bullet for them kinda special, I would try. Herpes is nothing to me, I knew someone with it and a normal life with good sex is very possible. You can get an immunization against Hepatitis,and it's not too common a disease as AIDS and herpes AFAIK.

So what would you do?

raeanna74 · 01-17-2004, 01:08 PM

Educate myself. I should at least give them the courtesy of learning enough about it to make an educated decision considering they were kind enough to tell me about it. As you said it would depend on the disease and on how much I felt for the person. The fact that the person may die in 10 years wouldn't be an issue to me. It may bother me that I would not be able to have children with this person or of I did have children even by accident with them then I'd be dooming the children to life long (however short) disease possibly. If I were to continue a relationship with someone with AIDS primarily I would insist that they be sterilized in a sure method. I love children - working with children is my calling in life. To endanger a child in that way would be completely irresponsible and cruel.

As far as my personal relationship with that person - I would not break anything off without knowing all the facts and considering everything. I would still care for them and respect them. It would only be the sexual aspect of the relationship that would be in question.

Plan9Senior · 01-17-2004, 02:11 PM

I would thank them for being honest, but politely tell them I will not deal with that. It is difficult as it is when starting a relationship, dealing with the life-long result of their irresponsibility is something I won't bother with. I believe there are support groups for people with STDs, and that should be a better place for them to be looking to start relationships.

Holo · 01-17-2004, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Plan9
I would thank them for being honest, but politely tell them I will not deal with that. It is difficult as it is when starting a relationship, dealing with the life-long result of their irresponsibility is something I won't bother with. I believe there are support groups for people with STDs, and that should be a better place for them to be looking to start relationships.

Irresponsibility? Many people get STDs from someone they trusted and who lied to them or decided not to tell them so they could get laid. Safe Sex doesn't always work, and some have cheating SOs who get a disease and pass it on well after the decision to not use protection has gone by. I would agree with you if they never used protection but there are others that get it from someone they trusted for a long time or even from rape. To exclude them to "their own groups" is a bit unfair I think. Some are stupid, others are victims.

Plan9Senior · 01-17-2004, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Holo
Irresponsibility? Many people get STDs from someone they trusted and who lied to them or decided not to tell them so they could get laid. Safe Sex doesn't always work, and some have cheating SOs who get a disease and pass it on well after the decision to not use protection has gone by. I would agree with you if they never used protection but there are others that get it from someone they trusted for a long time or even from rape. To exclude them to "their own groups" is a bit unfair I think. Some are stupid, others are victims.

See, I sort of disagree. I don't care if I am told that they are STD free, untill I personally know they went to the clinic.. got tested.. and came up negative, then I will not go condom free. Yes, there are always exceptions to what I said, for instance like you said, if your partner lied to you and cheated with somebody who had a disease thus giving it to you. Same thing with the rape situation you mentioned. However, in the grand scheme of things those cases account for an extremely small amount of the people who have STDs. The major cause of getting them is being ignorant to them and irresponsible. To think otherwise is to lump yourself into the ignorant category.

Wise1010 · 01-17-2004, 05:02 PM

Been thru it all

Holo · 01-17-2004, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Plan9
See, I sort of disagree. I don't care if I am told that they are STD free, untill I personally know they went to the clinic.. got tested.. and came up negative, then I will not go condom free. Yes, there are always exceptions to what I said, for instance like you said, if your partner lied to you and cheated with somebody who had a disease thus giving it to you. Same thing with the rape situation you mentioned. However, in the grand scheme of things those cases account for an extremely small amount of the people who have STDs. The major cause of getting them is being ignorant to them and irresponsible. To think otherwise is to lump yourself into the ignorant category.

The reason why I say this is the girl I knew did get herpes from her SO about 1.5 years into a relationship. No problems or anything the first year and a half, then all the sudden a major breakout. She didn't cheat, and tho the guy said he didn't all of the sudden she spontaneously gets herpes. I knew her and I know she wouldn't be the cheating type, so it leads back to him. It does happen is all I'm saying. If they fucked up by being ignorant then ok...but not all made dumb choices to get STDs. Rapists dont' obviously give a shit about their victims so they'll give their victims anything they have, and it isn't like they have a choice. That's all I'm saying. Until you know the circumstances you can't judge them as being irresponsible. I can understand you not wanting to be involved, but if this situation ever happens to you, try to be as nice about it as possible since you don't really know what happened. If you fear getting an STD I don't fault you for that, just remember when you turn them down this person is a human and has feelings too.

Prince · 01-17-2004, 05:49 PM

Would have to be one hell of a person for me to get in the sack with them...but I would not run out of the room, no. However in this day and age, I've to be honest if you catch an STD then I'll lose some respect for you...

santafe5000 · 01-17-2004, 05:55 PM

I dated a woman who got Herpes from her husband(course she dumped him). She told me on the first date. While I was a bit apprehensive at first, I found out all I could about it and we dated for 4 years. I am not infected because we took the proper precautions. We broke up for reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with her ailment. She got a new job that required her to move to LA and I wasn't too cool with that. She didn't tell me about it til she had already accepted the job.

Plan9Senior · 01-17-2004, 08:18 PM

There are too many healthy fish in the sea to be gambling with the ones that have STDs...

phaedrus · 01-17-2004, 09:09 PM

Somewhere between the second and the third option depending on how I feel about her.

SabrinaFair · 01-17-2004, 09:32 PM

EDUCATE.

I'm not going to respond to some of the above comments...and I'm not going to go into personal experiences...but just I will say that A) Bad things happen to good, responsible, respectable people....B) There is no such thing as 'safe sex'...and C) Judge not lest ye be judged.

dimbulb · 01-17-2004, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Plan9
See, I sort of disagree. I don't care if I am told that they are STD free, untill I personally know they went to the clinic.. got tested.. and came up negative, then I will not go condom free. Yes, there are always exceptions to what I said, for instance like you said, if your partner lied to you and cheated with somebody who had a disease thus giving it to you. Same thing with the rape situation you mentioned. However, in the grand scheme of things those cases account for an extremely small amount of the people who have STDs. The major cause of getting them is being ignorant to them and irresponsible. To think otherwise is to lump yourself into the ignorant category.

The fact is that there are some who do get it, despite precautions. There are other ways of getting STDs and incurable diseases besides sexual relations. Hepatitis, herpes, AIDS, all of these can be transmitted without sexual contact. To categorically condemn a whole group of people.... well.... thats your call....

FallenAvatar · 01-18-2004, 01:08 AM

It would depend on the disease/virus. If it was AIDS/HIV no. For others maybe. It would depend on how well I liked the person. I would be happy as long as they told me before anything sexual happened. I think I'd take the news well. I might ask them to give me time to think about the situation depending on the disease/virus aswell.

And for the comments I'm reading , yes many std's are transferable by means other than sexual contact. It's not right to judge someone because they have an std. Shit happens, even when you're careful.

Plan9Senior · 01-18-2004, 02:31 AM

Hey, don't get too harsh on me, by all means bang all the STD infested people you want. I don't give 2/3 a turd what diseases you all get, I am just giving my opinion

Jesus Pimp · 01-18-2004, 07:04 AM

How do you ask someone if they have STDs since it's an awkward subject?

Holo · 01-18-2004, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jesus Pimp
How do you ask someone if they have STDs since it's an awkward subject?

Well, you could get yourself tested and in an alone moment tell her, "I like you and hope we continue to get to know each other better. I don't want to look like I'm jumping the gun, but I got tested today and I wanted you to know I'm clean." Have the test results with you in case she wants to see them. This puts her in the position to tell you anything she needs to or get tested her self. You've shown that it's important to you without being accusatory. You've taken an interest in her safety by showing you are clean, and she should respect you for that.

Of course you don't do this on the first date, but after a few dates to build some rapport as long as sexual contact isn't going on. I don't get too sexual until a few dates have gone by so I can't tell you what to do if you are having casual sex, but that's what I would do. Make yourself the subject so she doesn't feel put on the spot, and then give her the leeway to tell you if she's clean or not. If she says yes it's up to you to trust her or not without proof.

motdakasha · 01-18-2004, 03:56 PM

I would give it a try and educate myself. I say this because one of my close friends has one of the diseases listed above. And, btw some of the ones listed can go into remission with proper treatment, they're not completely incurable and they're not completely curable. Also, in some cases of people with HIV, it doesn't turn into AIDS. HIV does not equal AIDS.

Slims · 01-18-2004, 06:36 PM

It depends on what they have.

The whole point of dating is to find someone who will be a good father/mother to your children, and will make a good partner.

If they are going to drop dead from AIDS, as well as pass the disease along to me and, possibly, any children we manage to have, then they are not what I am looking for.

Things might be different if they had herpes. That won't kill you, and even though it isn't curable, it is very treatible.

If has a person has a fatal or disfiguring disease, they are worthless to me as a sexual partner.

I know that sounds cruel, but that's the way it is.

diddagirl · 01-18-2004, 07:46 PM

I may be a bitch, but I would straight up end whatever we started as soon as I found out.

Harshaw · 01-18-2004, 08:10 PM

If I REALLY liked them, I would stick around. But I think I would avoid sex until I knew I wanted to marry them.

Vaultboy · 01-18-2004, 09:26 PM

Funny, I was actually thinking about this exact thing over the weekend, but more specifically about AIDS. I get myself tested every six months, and recently started a new relationship. I want to get my girlfriend to get herself tested. I'm wondering how she'll take my request, and then I'm also wondernig what will happen should her test come back positive.

I wouldn't end it on the spot. I think I'll educate myself first, and then also gauge her own "development". Her demeanor is bound to change, and I would just play it from there.

In general, though, what would you do if you found out your partner has Herpes specifically. Apprently 1 in 8 americans have it, and since HSV-1 especially is so common and incurable, what would you do? It can be kept under control, and it essentially nothing more than a nuisance. Would you kick your SO to the kerb?

motdakasha · 01-19-2004, 01:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Greg700
The whole point of dating is to find someone who will be a good father/mother to your children, and will make a good partner.

Maybe for you.

arcane · 01-19-2004, 08:48 PM

it really depends on the std. education on it would play a huge role, because nothing good would happen if you went off half cocked and got angry or something. it would definately be an interesting scenario to be put into. i don't think i would be able to make a decision without first being presented with all of the details

Plan9Senior · 01-19-2004, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Greg700
It depends on what they have.

The whole point of dating is to find someone who will be a good father/mother to your children, and will make a good partner.

Well, I think that is just your opinion

Minx · 01-20-2004, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SabrinaFair
EDUCATE.

I'm not going to respond to some of the above comments...and I'm not going to go into personal experiences...but just I will say that A) Bad things happen to good, responsible, respectable people....B) There is no such thing as 'safe sex'...and C) Judge not lest ye be judged.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Squints · 01-22-2004, 09:27 AM

If you have something like genital warts(incurable, can be deforming) how should you go about getting past the step of trying to be sexually active?
I have heard that 1 in 3 sexually active people have warts,but they just are either small, or unnoticible without a black light.

motdakasha · 01-22-2004, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Squints
If you have something like genital warts(incurable, can be deforming) how should you go about getting past the step of trying to be sexually active?
I have heard that 1 in 3 sexually active people have warts,but they just are either small, or unnoticible without a black light.

Can you cite your reference? Genital warts are a few strains among hundreds of strains of HPV (Human Papilloma Virus). I think you are confusing statistics of all HPV strains with those that cause genital warts. One in four college women have a strain of HPV, most are benign, but sometimes they are malignant and cause cervical cancer or genital warts. Not all HPV are genital warts and not all HPV cause cervical (and various other) cancer.

tisonlyi · 01-23-2004, 05:24 AM

I can't quote a source, but from previous reading I remember HPV infection rates being much higher than 1 in 4 or so...

Condoms dont necessarily stop its transmission and its hardy little beast.

Long story short: Before they're lowering you into the hole in the ground, you're most likely infected.

Just from memory of previous readings. Not gospel.

doncalypso · 02-12-2004, 06:31 PM

In all honesty I don't think I could deal with dating someone with an incurable STD if they caught it through reckless sex or sharing needles while consuming drugs.

But it would be another issue if they got it inadvertantly from a blood transfusion.

Truth be told, I love sex too much to be with someone and not be able to have sex with them because of an incurable STD they might pass on to me (face it, condoms are not 100% effective).

teriaki · 02-13-2004, 03:47 PM

Thank you, SabrinaFair.

Very well put, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Subject is a bit too personal to add any first-hand experience

View Poll Results: Reject someone with an STD
Run screaming from the room	7	9.72%
Politely tell them you like them but you can't deal	32	44.44%
Give it try and learn about the disease.	31	43.06%
I don't care what they have.	2	2.78%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

01-17-2004, 12:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Holo A Real American	STDs and rejection If you discovered someone you had been dating had an incurable STD would you reject them or stop dating them? Imagine the scenario: You've been on a few dates, nothing sexual has happened, you guys hit it off and they are a person you'd like to get to know. Then they sit you down and say they need to tell you something. They tell you they have an incurable STD, whether it be AIDS, Herpes, or Hep B or C. You really like this person in every other way, and you find them attractive. They tell you they will answer every question you have, and if you can't deal with it, they will understand. Would you run out of the room? Would you politely tell them you can't deal with that? Would you educate yourself on the disease and see if safe sex is posssible and could be as fun as regular sex? Keep in mind they cared for your safety and didn't do anything sexual with you before informing you of their illness. I could deal with most diseases, tho I would be given pause about someone with AIDS. It's not just the fact that you could get a fatal disease, but the fact that you get involved with someone who is most likely to die within 10 years. If I really felt something special for the person, I mean take a bullet for them kinda special, I would try. Herpes is nothing to me, I knew someone with it and a normal life with good sex is very possible. You can get an immunization against Hepatitis,and it's not too common a disease as AIDS and herpes AFAIK. So what would you do? __________________ I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

01-17-2004, 01:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Educate myself. I should at least give them the courtesy of learning enough about it to make an educated decision considering they were kind enough to tell me about it. As you said it would depend on the disease and on how much I felt for the person. The fact that the person may die in 10 years wouldn't be an issue to me. It may bother me that I would not be able to have children with this person or of I did have children even by accident with them then I'd be dooming the children to life long (however short) disease possibly. If I were to continue a relationship with someone with AIDS primarily I would insist that they be sterilized in a sure method. I love children - working with children is my calling in life. To endanger a child in that way would be completely irresponsible and cruel. As far as my personal relationship with that person - I would not break anything off without knowing all the facts and considering everything. I would still care for them and respect them. It would only be the sexual aspect of the relationship that would be in question. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

01-17-2004, 05:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
Wise1010 Upright Location: West Virginia	Know that situation Been thru it all __________________ "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to!" Last edited by Wise1010; 07-17-2005 at 05:55 PM..

01-17-2004, 05:49 PM	#8 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	Would have to be one hell of a person for me to get in the sack with them...but I would not run out of the room, no. However in this day and age, I've to be honest if you catch an STD then I'll lose some respect for you... __________________ Who is John Galt?

01-17-2004, 02:11 PM	#3 (permalink)
Plan9Senior Banned Location: Orange County, California	I would thank them for being honest, but politely tell them I will not deal with that. It is difficult as it is when starting a relationship, dealing with the life-long result of their irresponsibility is something I won't bother with. I believe there are support groups for people with STDs, and that should be a better place for them to be looking to start relationships.

01-17-2004, 05:55 PM	#9 (permalink)
santafe5000 EVIL! Location: Southwest of nowhere	I dated a woman who got Herpes from her husband(course she dumped him). She told me on the first date. While I was a bit apprehensive at first, I found out all I could about it and we dated for 4 years. I am not infected because we took the proper precautions. We broke up for reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with her ailment. She got a new job that required her to move to LA and I wasn't too cool with that. She didn't tell me about it til she had already accepted the job. __________________ When all else fails, QUIT.

01-17-2004, 08:18 PM	#10 (permalink)
Plan9Senior Banned Location: Orange County, California	There are too many healthy fish in the sea to be gambling with the ones that have STDs...

01-17-2004, 09:09 PM	#11 (permalink)
phaedrus Insane	Somewhere between the second and the third option depending on how I feel about her.

01-17-2004, 09:32 PM	#12 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	EDUCATE. I'm not going to respond to some of the above comments...and I'm not going to go into personal experiences...but just I will say that A) Bad things happen to good, responsible, respectable people....B) There is no such thing as 'safe sex'...and C) Judge not lest ye be judged. __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

01-18-2004, 01:08 AM	#14 (permalink)
FallenAvatar Psycho	It would depend on the disease/virus. If it was AIDS/HIV no. For others maybe. It would depend on how well I liked the person. I would be happy as long as they told me before anything sexual happened. I think I'd take the news well. I might ask them to give me time to think about the situation depending on the disease/virus aswell. And for the comments I'm reading , yes many std's are transferable by means other than sexual contact. It's not right to judge someone because they have an std. Shit happens, even when you're careful. __________________ Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father, Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

01-18-2004, 02:31 AM	#15 (permalink)
Plan9Senior Banned Location: Orange County, California	Hey, don't get too harsh on me, by all means bang all the STD infested people you want. I don't give 2/3 a turd what diseases you all get, I am just giving my opinion

01-18-2004, 07:04 AM	#16 (permalink)
Jesus Pimp The Original JizzSmacka	How do you ask someone if they have STDs since it's an awkward subject? __________________ Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

01-18-2004, 03:56 PM	#18 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	I would give it a try and educate myself. I say this because one of my close friends has one of the diseases listed above. And, btw some of the ones listed can go into remission with proper treatment, they're not completely incurable and they're not completely curable. Also, in some cases of people with HIV, it doesn't turn into AIDS. HIV does not equal AIDS. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

01-18-2004, 06:36 PM	#19 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	It depends on what they have. The whole point of dating is to find someone who will be a good father/mother to your children, and will make a good partner. If they are going to drop dead from AIDS, as well as pass the disease along to me and, possibly, any children we manage to have, then they are not what I am looking for. Things might be different if they had herpes. That won't kill you, and even though it isn't curable, it is very treatible. If has a person has a fatal or disfiguring disease, they are worthless to me as a sexual partner. I know that sounds cruel, but that's the way it is. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

01-18-2004, 07:46 PM	#20 (permalink)
diddagirl Addict Location: Calgary, AB	I may be a bitch, but I would straight up end whatever we started as soon as I found out. __________________ "Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done." -Matthew Arnold

01-18-2004, 08:10 PM	#21 (permalink)
Harshaw Is mad at you. Location: Bored in Sacramento	If I REALLY liked them, I would stick around. But I think I would avoid sex until I knew I wanted to marry them. __________________ This too shall pass.

01-18-2004, 09:26 PM	#22 (permalink)
Vaultboy Addict Location: Third World	Funny, I was actually thinking about this exact thing over the weekend, but more specifically about AIDS. I get myself tested every six months, and recently started a new relationship. I want to get my girlfriend to get herself tested. I'm wondering how she'll take my request, and then I'm also wondernig what will happen should her test come back positive. I wouldn't end it on the spot. I think I'll educate myself first, and then also gauge her own "development". Her demeanor is bound to change, and I would just play it from there. In general, though, what would you do if you found out your partner has Herpes specifically. Apprently 1 in 8 americans have it, and since HSV-1 especially is so common and incurable, what would you do? It can be kept under control, and it essentially nothing more than a nuisance. Would you kick your SO to the kerb? __________________ "Failing tastes of bile and dog vomit. Pity any man that gets used to that taste."

01-19-2004, 08:48 PM	#24 (permalink)
arcane Insane Location: SLC, UT	it really depends on the std. education on it would play a huge role, because nothing good would happen if you went off half cocked and got angry or something. it would definately be an interesting scenario to be put into. i don't think i would be able to make a decision without first being presented with all of the details __________________ <Arcane> so if you banged 2000 chicks then at least one had a pen0r?

01-22-2004, 09:27 AM	#27 (permalink)
Squints Upright Location: Sacramento, CA	If you have something like genital warts(incurable, can be deforming) how should you go about getting past the step of trying to be sexually active? I have heard that 1 in 3 sexually active people have warts,but they just are either small, or unnoticible without a black light.

01-23-2004, 05:24 AM	#29 (permalink)
tisonlyi Nothing	I can't quote a source, but from previous reading I remember HPV infection rates being much higher than 1 in 4 or so... Condoms dont necessarily stop its transmission and its hardy little beast. Long story short: Before they're lowering you into the hole in the ground, you're most likely infected. Just from memory of previous readings. Not gospel. __________________ "I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

02-12-2004, 06:31 PM	#30 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	In all honesty I don't think I could deal with dating someone with an incurable STD if they caught it through reckless sex or sharing needles while consuming drugs. But it would be another issue if they got it inadvertantly from a blood transfusion. Truth be told, I love sex too much to be with someone and not be able to have sex with them because of an incurable STD they might pass on to me (face it, condoms are not 100% effective). __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

02-13-2004, 03:47 PM	#31 (permalink)
teriaki Tilted Location: San Francisco	Thank you, SabrinaFair. Very well put, and I wholeheartedly agree. Subject is a bit too personal to add any first-hand experience __________________ Cute, but useless.