More relationship questions

[drpepper]

Hey guys. Long time lurker, first time poster. I've read tons of what you guys post.. You're good people.

A couple of recent threads about relationships have really got me bugged cause of things stuff thats goin' down in my life:

I've been going out with Sugarbush off and on for about 3 years... We met at a rave through a friend, fell immediately in love.. I proposed to her a few months later, which she accepted. I moved in with her for a year and a half or so, which were alternating good and bad times.

I'm always the one to break up. I get annoyed and pissed and worried that she isn't the one that I want to be with. We mesh well on a fun level, but we really don't have much in terms of history/interests... I'm a country boy and she's a city girl. Needless to say that we broke off the engagement... Sometime in the middle of the relationship, I don't remember exactly when.

I feel that there's a fairly significant age difference too. I'm 27, she's 23. I know it's not really that much, but I feel like I'm baby
sitting almost sometimes.

So this summer, as usual, I went out of state for business. I did my usual breakup thing, and once again pushed her out of my life. We talked a bit over the summer, got together again, and then this fall I broke up for good w/her.

So the problem begins: while we're broken up, I got a girl pregnant who I have no intention of having a relationship with. She's even younger (21) than Sugarbush, and has major emotional/etc problems... We were just fuckbuddies. Tanya, as I'll call her, doesn't want to give up the baby. She lives in a small town where I have tons of family, and everyone knows that it's mine.

I want to get together with Sugarbush. She's the only long term relationship I've ever had.. There have been tons of other girls before her, but she was the only one I ever connected with. We have our differences, but I still think we could work it out.

I have no idea what she's gonna think about me being a dad, but I'm sure she isn't going to be happy. In fact, she probably won't ever want to talk to me again. She wanted to stay friends after we broke up, wanted to stay on good terms, said she would always love me, etc... I love her too, but I feel like I've totally fucked up my life.

I didn't know that Tanya was pregnant with my baby until after Sugarbush and I broke up.. I didn't know. I don't think that will hold much weight with her.

I have to do the right thing and support my baby and be a dad. I know that, and I plan to. That presents two alternatives:
A> Stay here in Denver, work, continue to go to school, be broke, and send money to Tanya, spending summers in South Dakota working and seeing a little bit of my baby.
B> Move to South Dakota, work, go to school, be near Tanya and the baby, help out as much as I can.


I dunno guys. I guess I'm lost. I've been working this over in my mind for about 3 weeks (since i found out). I've been seriously stressing, not getting any sleep, unable to talk to my friends cause I don't want this info to get back to Sugarbush, who they talk to.

I would like to hear what you think about all this... Especially from those of you that have kids!

Thank you very much.
Nate

[Craven Morehead]

How many times have you broken it off with Sugarbush? Why do you expect it to work any better this time? Especially with the added stress on this relationship that will be there once she finds out you fathered a child. Whether that effects her or not, I don't know but it certainly will effect you. I think you are wishing for things that will never happen.

As far as raising your child, do the right thing. Whatever that is. Being close to your child doesn't mean you have to live in the same town. But it does mean you have to be there at least some of the time. I suspect that if you live in Denver the only realtionship you'll have is through your checkbook and that's not enough.

Good luck

[lurkette]

Ugh, man. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I have to agree with Craven M about the relationship with Sugarbush. Past behavior predicts future behavior - what makes you think your feelings this time are any more permanent than they were the last (insert # here) times you got together and then broke up? And this time there's the whole baby thing to add spice to the already spicy mix. Gotta say, a rocky relationship is the last thing you need right now.

It sounds to me like what you need is to figure out what you want. You're 27, have spent the last 3 years in-and-out of a turbulent relationship, managed to father a child, and are still in school. It sounds like you need to do some serious soul-searching and have a calm and focused life for a little while. However, taking care of your kid comes first. Maybe that process will help you get a little bit of clarity for yourself.

Here's my $.02 worth:
It would be nice to support Tanya and your child, regardless of the status of your relationship with her. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but I don't think your physical presence on a regular basis will matter (to the kid at least) for another couple of years. As long as she (Tanya) has enough on-site support from other sources so she doesn't get stressed out, financial support and the occasional visit as often as you can swing it should be enough until you finish school. I think it's crucial that you finish school - either in CO or SD - so you can provide for yourself and your kid for the rest of your life. It would be nice if Tanya also had that option, so whatever you can do to make that a possibility would be manly.