AMAZING emotional chemistry, terrible sexual chemistry... help! advice pleaaaase

[ambrosiatide]

I'm sure I'm not the first to have this dilemma. I've been recently dating this guy, I really like him. He's respectful, treats me well, and was willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex in our courtship. We decided spontaneously to have sex yesterday, 3 weeks since we began seeng each other. (not my usual waiting period but it felt right so we attempted to enjoy the moment). We finally agree to seeing where things go. It feels awkward, like he's over focusing on foreplay (and to be fair, i'm not totally into foreplay...). I soon discover it's because of his smaller than average penis. I really don't mean to dwell on this, but sex is a really important part of the relationship. I'm planning on sticking it out, waiting and seeing if things get better...but how can I avoid achknowledging this? the last thing I would ever want is to make him feel negative about sex, or have bad attitudes towards it as I have noticed he's not really what you'd call a sexual person. Which is really bad news for me, because I'm very sensual and enjoy having an active, rewarding sex life... the simple solution would be to politely stop seeing him. Because sexually, we are not compatible. We slept together and I could hardly feeling anything, he seemed turned on but wasn't totally hard. I'm sorry to be so specific, I've never really experienced this before so I'm a little taken aback. I can't seem to ****** by sex or foreplay by him. It's just not really what I'm into, usually when I'm with someone it's organic, natural, and more of an instintual thing rather than feeling restricting, uncertain if they're having a good time etc...





I understand totally this is not something he can help, by any means as that is just how his body was designed. I feel sad because we connect in such an AMAZING way emotionally, instant connection - it's easy, stress free and just works...feels right in that sense. I like him so much and continue to everytime we're together.... is it possible to relearn or train myself not to place so much importance on sex? I'm just worried it's going to be really obvious soon, if we continue, that I'm not having an ****** and or just don't feel like it because it's quite frustrating





Feels cheated somehow to meet someone extraordinary that you connect with, but have zero sexual chemistry.





eeeek! advice?

[Sheepy]

hi ambro!

the normal response is always going to be 'talking about it' but that might make things more uncomfortable if he's just naturally not into it

is it easy having a conversation with him about it or close to it? that shouldn't be a problem if you connect emotionally well!

*EDIT* I you hit up 'my husbands penis is too small' or something similar in Google you'll notice there are actually a lot of conversations about it.
Apparently there are a few exercises and methods he could try to increase his size but getting him started would be a challenge to his confidence...
have you thought about buying a dildo ?

[dlish]

ambrosia - define 'small'. is it small because he's not fully erect?

to be honest, im concerned about two things about yourself that i picked up on than his 'little' problem.

1) why are you using **** instead of words? this smells of a cocooned upbringing, and this will be manifesting itself in your actions. we're an adult forum, and we've seen everything under the discussed in here. the word 'ORGASM' is not taboo here.

2) why are you stressing him out? you may not think so, but you dont have to say anything for non verbal communication to take place. maybe the reason for his non performance is contributed to you.

[ambrosiatide]

Originally Posted by Sheepy

is it easy having a conversation with him about it or close to it? that shouldn't be a problem if you connect emotionally well!

*EDIT* I you hit up 'my husbands penis is too small' or something similar in Google you'll notice there are actually a lot of conversations about it.
Apparently there are a few exercises and methods he could try to increase his size but getting him started would be a challenge to his confidence...
have you thought about buying a dildo ?

Thank you so much for your reply, really appreciate it. I would have to say this is prob not something we can talk about yet, here's hoping maybe in the future as we explore what each other likes and dislikes. There's really no polite way to say it, that there's a disconnect sexually & cause I don't really enjoy foreplay, that much, could attribute to the awkwardness that was an unplanned incident I've decided to try and wait and see how things go, maybe improve, my friends said their first times with boyfriends haven't been great until much later so i guess just have to wait and see. Perhaps I've been spoiled with a stress free love life & mutual equipment has worked before this relationship so my reaction is a bit more shocked than others might perceive this situation. Thanks for the google recommendation & haven't tried any sex toys before - know how to self service when needs must...

---------- Post added at 08:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:29 PM ----------

Originally Posted by dlish

ambrosia - define 'small'. is it small because he's not fully erect?

to be honest, im concerned about two things about yourself that i picked up on than his 'little' problem.

1) why are you using **** instead of words? this smells of a cocooned upbringing, and this will be manifesting itself in your actions. we're an adult forum, and we've seen everything under the discussed in here. the word 'ORGASM' is not taboo here.

2) why are you stressing him out? you may not think so, but you dont have to say anything for non verbal communication to take place. maybe the reason for his non performance is contributed to you.

It was fully erect - maybe 7cm/3 inches. I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone - wasn't entirely sure how forward I was allowed to write about these things with the word censoring- thanks for clearing that up

Yeah I honestly feel like there's something wrong with me too, I have taken your observation into consideration. There is a lot of pressure, I feel really guilty that I can't orgasm with him at all, when with my previous sexual partners it's happened easily. Maybe put it down to a less than perfect first time together, but it left me feeling really sad. Because I want so desperately for our beautiful relationship to communicate sexually as well. I know most women say size doesn't matter, but I think in some ways it does.
Time can only tell.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting this issue - suppose sex is an important thing to me, personally, so that's sort of the motivation to ask for advice - because I'm not familiar with this situation.

Thanks for all your feedback

[genuinegirly]

You've only had sex with him once, right?

You are making the classic mistake of placing too much emphasis on the first sexual experience with this man.

I'm 99% sure that the waiting and anticipation did you in. Between the fact that you're unused to a smaller dick and you're obviously uncomfortable that he didn't warn you ahead of time, that's going to make your first experience awkward, at best. He hasn't had any opportunity to figure out what makes you tick. He doesn't know your tells - he has no idea if he is pleasuring you or not. He likely only focused so deeply on foreplay because he was interested in seeing you pleasured before he enjoyed it himself. His interest in foreplay had nothing to do with the size of his dick, and everything to do with wanting to see you happy. If you don't feel a need for foreplay, then you need to make the moves to advance things more quickly. The fact that you expect things to move "organically" tells me that with past sexual partners you were likely playing less of an active role, passively following their lead. Well, guess what - this is your opportunity to take action, to make sure you have a good time. He obviously wants to see you have a good time - now you need to figure out how to get yourself to orgasm, and let him help out along the way. Oral sex, fingering, caressing, nipple play - these are all just as fun as coitus, and the pleasure isn't impacted by size. Now, I must admit there are times where all I want is a nice solid, deep, pounding by an engorged penis. But that's rare, and can be accomplished by even the least endowed man with a larger-than-life dildo or a strap-on.

[Strange Famous]

I sort of agree, in fairness to the lad, you cant really make a complete judgment based on one attempt.

A guys cock size can be different depending on all sorts of things. Without again wanting to go into a lot of details... in my situations where my feelings are very intense I could be talking about an extra two inches to a "normal" hard on... and I have had two or three times in my life I couldnt get up for it all (both times with someone I was very attracted to and had had it off with before)

_

Maybe the guy was nervous, maybe if you give things a bit more time and give him a bit of advise about what you like, you might come to enjoy it.

I do think it is very crucial in a serious relationship that people have matching sex drives, I think this is the biggest thing that causes breakups and cheating... it is right to draw a line at some point if someone just isnt as into sex as you are... I'm just not sure you can draw that line after one night together.

---------- Post added at 10:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:16 PM ----------

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

Now, I must admit there are times where all I want is a nice solid, deep, pounding by an engorged penis. But that's rare, and can be accomplished by even the least endowed man with a larger-than-life dildo or a strap-on.

I'm not sure you could ask any man to use a strap on dildo on his girl.

I dont want to speak on behalf of every man out there, but to me that would be pretty much the most emasculating thing a girl could ask me

[jewels]

Kegel kegel kegel. Not only will he exceed the measurement you took, but you will find what you seek.

And open yourself to the foreplay. Men who feel they don't measure up generally seem to become quite expert at other methods of pleasuring women.

[xxlrg]

Whats the harm in giving him another shot or two. Open your mind up a little to his method. See if he really somehow can make up for his lack in size. Sounds like you really care for him. Enough for you to really open your mind to getting a little more creative. Like jewels stated kegals, lots of kegals. If not, then sounds like you could be friends and you can find someone else that is properly equipped.

[amonkie]

Originally Posted by jewels

Kegel kegel kegel. Not only will he exceed the measurement you took, but you will find what you seek.

And open yourself to the foreplay. Men who feel they don't measure up generally seem to become quite expert at other methods of pleasuring women.

Quoted for truth.

[snowy]

I think it's unfair to expect amazing sexual chemistry right out of the gate. Men aren't mind readers, you know. I really think true sexual compatibility is something that comes with time and experience together.

As for cock size, I've had some truly amazing lovers who were definitely smaller than average. Of course, that might have been because I Kegel.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

I kegel all the time, mostly trying to avoid another hernia. I saw no indication of how old you are. Does he go down on you, or is that one of the foreplay things you don't prefer? Penises grow when more utilized.

[ambrosiatide]

hehe thank you everyone for your responses! have certainly helped & I also kegel! In response to my age - we are both 25. Old enough, but not overtly experienced if that makes sense. Great to have a variety of feedback and opinions on this subject - thank you for taking the time
I've come to the conclusion, like genuinegirly said, curse of the first time turn off. Better to wait it out and see how things progress, rather than judge based on the first awkward experience.

[Strange Famous]

Ive never heard of this kegel malarky. I looked in Wikipedia and it seems more aimed at women... but men can do it too.

In fairness I dont think a girl ought to recomend to a man after one/two dates he does some kind of special exercise to increase his "erection strength"...

Obviously its something you can discus maybe in a very trusting relationship, but you have to think of the guys ego. If he is maybe a bit smaller than average in that area it is likely he's aware of that and doesnt exactly feel great about it... its something you have to take up with tact I think.

[jewels]

Originally Posted by Strange Famous

In fairness I dont think a girl ought to recomend to a man after one/two dates he does some kind of special exercise to increase his "erection strength"...

I don't believe anyone's recommending that she have him do the kegels. When a woman kegels, she's able to control her muscles in such a way that his penis size will normally increase and, even if it can't, will result in a more pleasurable experience for both herself and the man.

Trust me, it's all good. One of the most powerful tools a woman possesses.

[Mathilda]

It's been a few weeks since this was posted, I wonder how things developed from here.


I know I'm late to this, but would still like to comment on few things:

haven't tried any sex toys before - know how to self service when needs must...

Maybe if you got yourself a dildo, you could learn to enjoy masturbation a bit more, so that it wouldn't be a "must" any more.

Also, I have dealt with the smaller size before, and what worked for me best was me being on top. I could then grind against him and get off that way.

I'm not sure you could ask any man to use a strap on dildo on his girl.

I have a different experience, some are happy to do it