Help with Wife
 

I've been married a little over 3 months now. I love my Wife very much, we have a pretty good sex life. One thing that I'm becoming more and more concerned about is that she almost never gives BJ's or HJ's unless I ask several times over several days or weeks. And then it's a half assed one at that. We've discussed it at length several times and she always says that she'll work on it, but so far it hasn't changed. We've been together over 3 years. This is going to become a big problem for me in the future, even though I love her very much, I'm a guy and like and need sexual pleasure other than just intercourse.

Is there any suggestions from anyone here who has dealt with the same thing? Please don't just say communication is the key because I've tried that. Maybe a suggestion on a different way to approach it in communication.

First, the obvious question: how often do you give her BJs and HJs?

Guide her hand down to your FernGully without being too obvious about it.

I go down on her on average of 2 to 3 times a week.

I'm lucky to get a BJ or HJ once every 2 or 3 months.

and what if that's the answer, that she's not so interested in it and she doesn't really like it at all, but will do it from time to time in the frequency and enthusiasm as she has been?

is that a deal breaker?

I'm going to take a stab and say she's not comfortable doing it because she doesn't know what she's doing. And she's afraid to ask for tips. I've been there at one point when I was younger. But with some coaxing and letting her know what she's doing right MUCH MORE OFTEN than what she's not doing right (saying 'no' while she's learning is pretty much like a knife in the heart,) just might get her more interested.

gl :)

I don't know. We've only been married for 3 months, together for 3 years. I think at some point it may be that's why I'm hoping to resolve it sooner rather than later. I'm a guy, and like most guys I like a good blowjob or handjob.

I guess what I'm asking is, what is the best way to tell her that it's a dealbreaker for me without me basically giving her an ultimatum. Because I don't want to do that.

Exhaust all your options before going that extreme. mho.

Did she give you handjobs and blowjobs before you got married?

You should go down on her every time you have sex. Most women need it to cum. Maybe it'll make her more willing to give you what you want.

I usually do. The only times I don't are when she's on her period, or when she's drunk. She has zero clitoral feeling when she's had more than 4 or 5 drinks.

As far as before we were married. Things have pretty much been the same.

She can cum everytime from cunnalingus(except drunk) but about %70 of the time from actual intercourse.

/so evil

1. repetitive behavior modification - ask her when you know she'll say yes for certain. Maybe after she's had a few to drink and is in the mood. Do something that will make her feel reciprocal. Slowly increase times per month or whatever. Start slow. Right now it sounds like she's used to saying 'No' too often and you've trained her in the opposite direction unwittingly. Try and create a schedule perhaps during the time of month she is most horny; figure out her cycle.

2. positive reinforcement - both during and after show your appreciation. If she feels good doing it, and gets a self-esteem boost she'll want to do it. Proceed both obviously and in secrete. If she loves chocolate reward her with one (in a sly way of course, have one yourself)...then whenever she eats chocolate she'll be subconsciously reminded of blowing you. Associate it with a behavior you like to do after sex so she's not suspicious.

3. you are a total douche bag for following this advice :P

There was a point in my marriage where I was frustrated and unhappy with our sexual life. It lasted a little under two months. I haven't been married long, I'm sure we'll go through more phases of miscommunication. I felt like my husband wasn't interested or trying thard enough. He didn't bother to smell nice when we had sex, he didn't seem interested in trying new things. During this same timeframe, he was regularly making me delicious dinners and many other little things to make my life easier. But the problem wasn't really him. I was frustrated with other things in life. I was feeling over-worked and would have been unahppy even if he went completely out of his way to make me happy. I didn't want to accept love in the format he offered. I had to reassess my needs and adjust my expectations. This was accomplished through both of us freely expressing our take on our individual efforts toward the relationship. I used to be turned on by the novelty of his manly scent at the end of the day. I hadn't told him that it wasn't a turn-on anymore. He was trying, I was not self-aware nor was I informative.

Ask yourself - are you the kind of person who is never satisfied? Will you always find something not-quite-right with the relationship? Are you doing everything you can to make this an enjoyable experience for her? Do you smell nice, are you clean shaven down-there? Is the space where you regularly have sex comfortable, warm and inviting? Does she find intercourse undesireable as well? You say that you have tried communicating, and claim that it's not the problem. But I contest that a couple cannot communicate too much.

If you're making requests, you're not having sex in the midst of a hot and heavy romantic whirlwind. Needing to ask for anything sexually is a sign that you are out-of-sync. Your relationship's level of non-verbal communication is not where it should be. To me, it doesn't sound like things will change because there is likely a deeper set of issues with your relationship. Her lack of enthusiasm for certain sexual acts is merely a symptom of a deeper concern. Watching you in plasure should provide at least some level of enjoyment for a healthy couple. You are placing stress on her by asking her to do something that might well repulse her. If she doesn't have fun with the activities you mention, stop requesting her to perform them. Let her know that you're going to stop asking, and tell her you're sorry for asking her to do these things.

Three months into a marriage and now its a deal breaker? Did you think this would change if you married her?

To me, dealbreaker=ultimatum. This should have been brought up a long time before a marriage ever happened. Since we can't change that now, you need to talk to her and decide if the frequency of a suck or stroke is more important than your love for her and your marriage. If it is, try counseling. If it still doesn't resolve the issue, go your separate ways because you will either be unhappy for the rest of your marriage or begin cheating to get what you are missing.

I'm going to go a different route here and pose the possibility of a really bad experience she's had in regards to BJ's.
Perhaps she was forced or cajoled; perhaps she thinks "porn=BJ's=usage of women.
The only way to know if it's anything or nothing really is....wait for it...




here it is....



TALK ABOUT IT!

I almost always go out of my way to make her happy, or make her life easier. She appreciates everything I do and how I treat her, she tells me often. Our sex life is very good other than the lack of oral and manual stimulation on her part. I am always atleast well groomed if not completely shaved.

I'm not sorry for asking because to me it's an important part of a sexual relationship.
One point I should have made earlier is that she will on occasion give me head for a few minutes before we have sex. It is a turn on for her, and she say's that she would rather just have sex. I'm all for that occasionally, but sometimes it's nice to just lay there and be pleasured. I do it for her in a very disproportionate manner.

just kick her behind the knee and when she drops to the gound, stick it in. Be a man :p

you should try that at least once, maybe she'd like being dominated, lol. I'm not even kidding, at worst you get put in the doghouse for a week or 2, but then you can just blame the fact that you got bad advice :)

and set up a video camera while your at it and post it here when your done

we'd love to see the results haha

But you waited until marriage to decide it was a dealbreaker? Junior-grade relationship work there, AM. I mean, I wasn't any better when I was three months married. But still.

Communication, and lots of it. Girl's not a mind reader.

I wouldn't have a problem with a girl who only wanted intercourse and didn't like BJs. ;)

Demanding certain sex acts isn't very sexy, and probably won't win you any points. Do you watch porn with her that shows girls liking blowjobs? Do you tell her when she does give you head what feels good and only have a positive attitude about it? Have you tried giving her oral in a 69 position, or one that could lead to that position? (you lie down on your back, she sits on your face facing your penis.) Does she worry about you cumming in her mouth?

Ok, educate me on my its a dealbreaker NOW and it wasnt 4 months ago before you married?

Good question.


And another, do you want a BJ and/or HJ to climax or as part of foreplay?

She's not a fan of cum in her mouth. I've told her repeatedly that I don't care about that, that's not something I need. To me it seems that she has a problem with the one sided satisfaction of her giving me oral, in other words whats in it for her?


Shani, I didn't say it was a deal breaker right now, but I'm concerned it will be later down the road. That's why I'm trying to fix it now

No, what some of us are confused about is why you didn't work to fix it in the 3 years prior to marriage. I mean, the way she sees it - you were fine with it the entire time you were with her, so why would she change now? At least that's what I get from your posts. You may not have been fine with it, but the issue really surfaced after marriage from what I'm reading.

I talked to her about it many times. She always says that she'll work on it but hasn't made any real effort.

Not trying to be a dick, but what makes you think that she would put more effort in after marriage? Well, other than after an ultimatum.

Maybe this is simply a matter of "WIIFM?"

Maybe she just doesn't like doing it.

Maybe she needs a really good reason for doing it.

Some women do only give BJs as rewards. It sucks, but you can't really force them. I've tried. Doesn't help.

Well, I hoped the fact that I told her that the lack of frequency is concerning me would prompt her to make an effort.

tbh, you may as well just give yourself a hand job?

with regards to getting your dick sucked I think it is not so simple...

Again, I'm a little confused as to why that couldn't be done before marriage. However, me asking that would just be going in circles.

The only way is to talk to her. Really sit down. Her hand in your hand or whatever you do when you have a serious, mature, adult discussion. Eye contract. Expressing concerns clearly without pointing fingers. Explaining why you feel the way you feel without making her feel at fault. Talk. Listen. Talk some more.

Damn, do I get an MA in TFP Sexality Advice for this or what?

Thanks everyone. I'll try talking with her and find out what her concerns or reasons are for not wanting/liking to do it.

What LoganSnake et al are getting at is that if this is such a big deal to you, you shouldn't have gotten married until it was resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Marriage doesn't fix a damned thing. Expecting any aspect of your relationship to improve because of it is, frankly, stupid. If you absolutely can't live without that kind of stimulation, you've kind of screwed yourself over; extricating yourself from the situation after you're married is a much more complicated and expensive process than it would've been beforehand.

You say 'it's not a deal breaker now, but it might be down the road.' What I get out of that is 'this is a deal breaker, but I'm still hopeful she'll come 'round.'

Bad news is she probably won't. The most probable reason that she half-asses blow jobs is because she doesn't like giving them. I suppose you could try some sort of coercion or tit-for-tat arrangement to get them more often, but frankly I wouldn't expect the quality to improve and it's my view that treating relationships or sex as a zero sum kind of thing is the wrong way to go about it.

My Suggestion: first, sit down on your own and figure out just how important this is to you. Do you really need your wife to hoover your knob to be happy, or can you live without that? Are there alternative ways to get a similar type of satisfaction? Can you do something else to achieve the same result that your wife might be more enthusiastic about?

Next, sit down with her. Now that you've got it sorted out in your head, you can explain to her clearly and simply. Avoid accusations. This isn't ultimately about her. You're the one with the problem.

Phrases like 'I feel...' are good. There was one that was brought up a lot here in the past that went 'when you do X, I feel Y.' It's a good way to link a cause to an emotion without being confrontational.

Lastly, explore alternatives with your wife. This can be a very fun thing for the two of you to do together; the internet is the most depraved resource in the history of mankind, and will be very helpful. Read up on sex positions and different activities you can do. Try them out, see how they work for you.

Let This Be A Lesson To You. Allowing an issue with your relationship to fester for three years will just make it worse, and getting married before you've dealt with it will not help.

Since World's King hasn't posted it yet... just drop your pants and say, "well, it's not going to suck itself."

I like you a lot as a person, but I need to say this bluntly because I disagree so strongly with you.

Telling someone that they should not communicate their desires (sexual or not) and in fact should apologize for asking and having them is really irresponsible advice.

In an ideal relationship, genuinegirly is right. However when there is a conflict they probably should talk to each other and try to work out an unsexy compromise.

Now apologizing for wanting oral sex, when he is going down on her regularly (and I am assuming that she enjoys it) doesn't sound right. I would want to go down on a girl to give her pleasure, even though it doesn't give me an orgasm or any benefit. Now, if she wanted me to lick her ass, and enjoyed it, a similar situation would develop. I just couldn't do it, even if she asked, begged, or tried to force it.

You need to find out why she is against doing them.

I'm not convinced that you read my entire post. If so, you misunderstood completely.

Taking the same action and expecting a different result is one definition of insanity.

That's why I'm posting about this...for advice

This bit didn't sit well with me either. Verbalizing your desires/fantasies via requests/instructions can very well be done in the midst of a hot and heavy romantic whirlwind. Non-verbal communication is important, but it's not the be-all and end-all. We have a highly developed mode of audible communication for a reason. Actions are great, but words are powerful too. Plus, I think mind reading is overrated. I often cannot even read my own mind.

I do agree with you that the OP's wife should be more open to pleasing him, and I agree that maybe there is something else going on. Or, I'll go back to my previous idea: Maybe she just really doesn't like to do it. It'd be like if the wife was really geared up about anal sex but the OP reluctant to do it for sanitary reasons.

Humans are complex beings. We can't all be into the same things with the same level of intensity. But a compromise would be a wonderful thing to work towards—a give and take. This is what the OP needs to work out. Maybe BJs will only be offered as a reward for something else, sexual or non-sexual. So be it, if that's what he wants.

I always say that sex is the first place that problems elsewhere in the relationship bubble up, and it's almost never about the sex, as a root cause.

Does she withhold herself from you in other ways? This could be a symptom of a general lack of trust and communication and sharing. Do you withhold yourself from her in other ways? This could be punishment for being distant with her.

What does she complain about in your relationship? I'd take a good look there, if I were you.

The good news is, dealing with this now will be a complete breakthrough in your relationship, if you use it for that. But it'll take approaching things in ways you've never approached them before.

You test-drove the car for 3 years before you bought it. Now you are bitching because it doesn't have power windows. It never had power windows. Sit down, shut up, and enjoy the ride. From what I can tell, you have a great wife and should thank your lucky stars.

I think at this point it's useless to reprimand you for getting married before solving the issue if it was that important. Does no good and only makes you feel bad. You know it was probably a bad idea. Now how to try and fix it, if it is even fixable?

There has been a lot of good advice in here so far. Talking is the main thing. Though, after a point, you can talk an issue to death. Action after talking is also important. If you have told her already this is a problem, and she knows it, and hasn't changed a thing in all that time...I think you will have a hard time getting anything to really change. You may even put it to her as a 'dealbreaker' and that may prompt her into last-minute-panic-let's-try-again mode....but I'm not sure about what that will really accomplish in terms of a permanent solution. If she really just doesn't like to give them...it may be that there will never be a way to keep you both happy. But, of course, it is worth trying to find a compromise if you love each other.

On a lighter note, I have a suggestion. On the off-chance that her problem with BJ's is not getting any satisfaction herself....have you guys tried all the great variations of 69? Win-win I think. Good luck ;)

Hi, firstly you are lucky that she comes during Intercourse.
Secondly, does she perform active sex like "Women on Top" etc? if NO then I think she is a passive person in sex.... So address it at that level
If YES, then it could be what ngdawg advised
And do you try dim or dark room sex? Strangely it may help - explore explore explore :)

PATIENCE

There's no way round it, you're going to have to have a serious chat about it. The good thing is that it's early days in your marriage, so anything you verbally tackle now should hopefully improve your relationship immeasurably and help to build a better marriage in the future.

I have a girl friend who will not give BJs and hates receiving, which to me is just crazy, but she doesn't like it, and that's that. Nothing can persuade her otherwise and it's not due to bad experiences in the past, it's just the way it is, nothing any guy could say or do would make her change her mind. If that's how your wife feels then you have to decide whether you can handle living like that - from personal experience I think that an imbalance in sexual desires can make it very difficult not to cheat. A healthy relationship means compromise, so if she is willing to give it a try, then you need to explore what will make you both happy, and take it from there.

It's difficult to initiate a conversation like this, but don't make accusations, try to understand her point of view and ask her if there is anything you can do to turn the situation around, and hopefully things will work out fine.

BAHAHAHAHAHA! *Can't breath*:lol:

I read your post. If I misunderstood, I'd like to understand what you meant.

Are you not saying it's a sign of something bad (being out of sync) if two partners communicate their desires (sexually or not) here?

There does not need to be stress from communicating your desires to your partner nor asking them to help/perform/act them out. If she is repulsed from your honest communication of your desires, she certainly isn't being a loving, supportive partner.

You have stated he should stop communicating his desires with her and apologize, and I think that is the opposite of what he should do if he wants a loving, healthy, honest relationship.

Perhaps you inferred that I thought a partner should do whatever their partner wanted, and be okay with that? If that's the case, I do not think that communication of desires means one partner must somehow "lose" or back down. I do think people should keep open minds, try things before hating on them, and understand that it takes sticking your neck out there to communicate somethings, and that if you want your partner to keep communicating with you if there is a problem (instead of hiding it, being miserable and making you miserable, cheating on you, dumping you, etc), you have to keep the interaction positive.

If only one side is doing all the compromising, though, I think that says more about the relationship than a lack of hand jobs. :P

I don't think there is much misunderstanding here. I just disagree with you. I love discussing topics like this so I'd love to communicate with you more about it. :)

69 maybe?

Wow.

Too all the posters who are chiming in about "why did you get married then" - no shit, but it's to late for that, so don't bust his balls already.

My thoughts are that I totally sympathize with the OP. Blow jobs are a wonderful thing, a necessary thing, a required thing. It doesn't have to be every day, or even every other day, but once a week would not be too much to ask for.

I know myself when I've dated women who refuse to give one thing or another in bed - say a blow job to be consistent - well, I end up being FIXATED on getting a blow job. It's all I end up wanting - which only makes it worse because the more I want it, the less she wants to give it. You end up feeling like shit. (In my case I simply stop seeing a woman I'm sexually incompatible with - but that comes with age and experience. This dude is married.)

Now to the problem at hand.

I don't know how old the OP is. That can be an issue. If she's young - say late teens, early 20's she could grow out of it and become a good cock sucker - though to be brutally honest - I doubt it.

If she's 30 or older - forget it. Her sexuality is set in stone. She's simply not into sucking cock (for whatever reason - and really who cares what the reasons are - she doesn't like it and will never like it) or cock in general. She's never going to change.

So if she's younger, you might have a shot at remolding her, but if she's over 30 then she'll never change and you either accept that you will never get your cock sucked and you live with it or you get the hell out of the marriage. (Sorry, it's true. It's the brutal truth. People are like elastic bands - they stretch (change a bit) but ultimately, they go back to their original shape. (You could always go to see prostitutes discreetly to get your cock sucked. The result would be that your wife would be relieved not to have to do it and you would not be frustrated.)

The fact that she will neither suck cock, nor give hand jobs leads me to believe that she finds the male organ unappealing, revolting even. I mean Christ, a hand job is about as inoquous as it gets already. High School even. She'll take it vaginally because that's how nature works. I'm amazed she even orgasms to tell you the truth (maybe she's faking that even - it would not surprise me).

to throw my hat in the ring here...

i actually have been in a similar situation. I have this to say about it. If you've told her before, and she's not a complete moron, odds are she already knows that you want it/need it/love it. So, as genuinegirly more or less said, or else as I'm saying, you may be better off not asking her anymore. I actually went this route - stop asking all the time, apologize, say it's inappropriate to ask all the time, but you know that it is one of my favorite things ever so now and forever, konw that i am 100% interested in it. something along those lines. She thought it was very touching and loving and communicative and everything. and I started getting them more regularly. Everybody wins :thumbsup:

I once had a wife who did various things when we were dating, including many sexual ones, which she stopped doing once we were living together.

Over the years we argued about many things, but we mostly argued about sex.

I wanted to do the things that she had claimed she loved, she wanted to do nothing at all.

She said that the pressure of my asking made her insecure and that I should not expect her to be interested in sex just because I was horny.

I wanted her to be happy, so I stopped asking.

Based on her claims, no longer asking should have relaxed her and caused us to have more of it.

What actually happened was she argued with me about why I no longer found her attractive and no longer wanted sex.

The fact is that the only person with a hope of knowing what's happening in your woman's head is your woman, and there's a fair chance she's lying to herself too, so even that option may not exist.

Tell her you love her to suck you off, tell her you're not going to ask her or force her, show her through your actions that it's something you can be trusted not to make her feel bad about.

She won't give you a blow job, but at least you'll not make her insecure.

As Rat said above, bedroom problems are never about bedroom issues.

Make her feel safe and loved, and she may tell you (in words or in deeds) that she can do what you crave, but if she can't you have to either love her and get over it, or leave her and get it elsewhere - what you should never do is get it elsewhere without either leaving her first or getting her permission. Only a poor excuse for a human being cheats on someone.

I hate to say it, but if she's not into it already..she's not going to be into it down the road either.

You can have this issue get out of hand, or appreciate what you DO get and enjoy it for as long as you're getting it

Any updates?

I did get a HJ about 2 weeks ago. Then a partial BJ the other night. We were both pretty drunk and after about 5 minutes I just pulled her up to have sex instead because I knew there was no way I was cumming from a BJ that drunk.

I guess I will just have to not get hung up on the BJ/HJ thing anymore because it really isn't import in the grand scheme of things. She has told me repeatedly that when I'm horny to just fuck her, can't complain with that.

sounds about right

You're right that it really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things but other than matters of life and death, what really is? Relationships are about much more than the bare neccesities and if you two can't properly compromise over blowjobs the how do you think you'll fare over issues more serious? Perhaps I've missed it but has she offered you more of an explanation than the fact that she doesn't like it because she gets nothing out of it?

That's bullshit.

...

that's right. if she has a negative look on it like that, "i get nothing out of it." then there is probably no way to change her now. i mean when i go down on my girl i'm getting the feeling that she's enjoying it and happy. that's how your wife should feel.