How many sexual partners is too many?
 

My boyfriend and i were in bed yesterday and he told me i was the fourth girl he had ever slept with. I panicked and changed the subject. I have slept with about 30 guys… I’m 25 years old. I’ve been dating since I was 15, having sex since I was 17 and with the occasional one night stand thrown in my number just grew. I know when it comes up again I will have to lie my ass off, but, how many is too many?

There is no such thing as too many.


And don't lie.

That's only a good approach if you are planning to move onto #31 pretty soon.

As long as safe practices were involved... I don't think it matters. Granted, I'd be nervous around a girl that's banged a fire support platoon. I've got a lot to live up to...

But, yeah, don't lie about it. It's like faking an orgasm: nobody likes it and once you've done it... they'll call bullshit on everything you do whether it's legit or not.

I think your best bet might be to say that the quantity is petty and that they should focus on what matters most: they have you now.

I was gonna say; "One more than your current partner.". But, Redlemon kind of alluded to the same sentiment.

Y'know...1...4...10...30...even 50, or more, who cares? If you're happy with this guy, and he's happy with you, then the notches on the bedpost really don't matter so much.

whats the number at which 'good' boys think twice about the way they feel about you?

One more than what makes you comfortable admitting.

Who knows? I internally flipped out when I found out that my college freshman girlfriend had slept with ONE other guy. I got over it 22 years ago, we're married now.

I'm okay with my number... even though I'm not sure exactly what it is. I have a round-about idea. It's never bothered me if a girl has a number that society would deem high. If she's clean and free of any STDs, I'm gonna stick my dick in her.

[QUOTE=If she's clean and free of any STDs, I'm gonna stick my dick in her.[/QUOTE]

Yeah!

Meh, I was a bit of a slut when I was younger. The past is the past, the present is what counts.

I had a delightful one night stand with a girl whose number was in the 60s or 70s, and would have again given a repeat opportunity. I probably would have dated her without that bothering me too much, as well, if circumstances had been different. I don't even know what my number is anymore...high teens or so, I think. It doesn't matter who you've slept with, it matters who you're sleeping with. Plus, with less experience, you probably wouldn't be able to do that thing with your tongue. :p

See I'm the same way. I lost count after 5 I think. Never bothered keeping a diary of my activity partners or some crap.

the number shouldn't matter as long as he loves you.
now that, that is out the way better of lying an keeping the number lower than his
if you want him to stick around guys are self concious and we worry if the ex had it bigger or f**Ked better and thats one guy. imangine compareing that with thirty other guys. plus evey time you guys get into a fight you might be giveing him amunition to throw it back in your face just lie it makes life simpler

---------- Post added at 03:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:09 PM ----------

plus evey time you guys get into a fight you might be giveing him amunition to throw it back in your face just lie it makes life simpler

Oh see, I stopped counting after like 75...

Pretty sure I'm in my upper 40's, give or take. Not positive but it's a guesstimate.

I'm more then likely over 150.

omg ur such a slut

Yes. Yes I am. I'm good at it too.

lol

God I feel like such a monk.

I'm not sure one can put a figure on "too many." I think it's more about whether you're responsible about things: STDs, emotional issues, harming others' relationships, etc. That matters more, I think.

But it's not that I'm an authority. Relatively speaking (in reference to this thread), I've had very little sex.

I don't know if there's such a thing as "a" number that is 'too many.' It probably varies a lot from person to person, context to context. Tory, you should totally not lie to your BF, and not worry about your number being high. In my experience, women who are comparatively fearless about claiming their sexuality tend to have higher numbers than guys, just because they can. And in any case, best not to get hung up on numbers.

That said, IMHO, I think if your numbers are in the triple digits, you might have other issues you're sublimating with sex.... Not necessarily true of all, but...at that point, I'd question why so many partners instead of committed, exclusive relationships.

But that seems not to be an issue in your future, Tory, so I'd take a deep breath and just try not to sweat it.

how much is very little then? everyone?

This is disgusting advice ... I would never ever have someone lie like this. You are despicable jaymoney!!!!

Now that that is out of the way ... I agree. Lie. I mean this seriously.

Are we talking at the same time?

Yes. And I'm still at 150.

I'm way more concerned people think this is something to lie about rather than if a chick was sleeping with a thousand dudes before me. That is the exact thing you don't want to be doing.

Thirty guys?! You horny little minx. :)


Seriously, it depends on your guy. How secure is he? Will he freak or can he handle it?
In any case, don't lie, but you are not required to reveal the exact number either.

I'm having sex with toaster's avatar right now.

Numbers don't matter. Whether or not there's green fungus growing on your genitalia does.

I understand a lot of people don't see this issue the same way. That's why I make sure the "numbers" discussion doesn't come up until I know for sure the girl can handle the fact that my only answer is, "I lost count a while ago..."

Question is, does she know about it?

One less than his will be the perfect number let the man keep his pride :rolleyes:

---------- Post added at 10:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:10 PM ----------

you want :eek:the truth you cant handle the truth lol

30 in 10 years? Allowing for several being one night stands, that still leaves time for 90% of 10 years being chaste.

There is NO wrong number. If the number is high because you love sex and want to have it as variously as possible, then good for you.

The only problem is if you are ashamed of WHY you had sex, and in those cases even 1 is too many. If you were forced into it, if you were coerced, if you used it to validate self esteem issues, then maybe you need to fix those issues somehow, but none of that makes the number itself a problem.

Is it only green, or is any fungus bad?

What he said.

There is no "magic number" But I learned that when your number is larger than his you have to be careful. Start by telling him you don't want to talk about how many partners you have had and assure him you were safe, etc. If he insists on knowing, first tell him your number is higher than his. You may be surprised, most guys don't care/mind/whatever, some are actually turned on by it. (my hubby likes to hear some of my naughty stories) If he MUST know, then tell him. DO NOT LIE. That's never good, even if you don't see the two of you lasting as a couple. You have noting to gain by, just be honest.

Been thinking about this... and I think these responses are total crap.

Ya know, we're all so very forgiving. But I'm not afraid to be an asshole.

Me? I'd ditch a 25 year old woman that said she's banged 30 dudes.

That shows poor lifestyle choices even if the sex was "safer."

Assuming the sex started at 16, that means 3 dudes a year.

Somebody has relationship issues if their relationships last 4 months.

The problems is only worse if the person had several long terms.

My "average" is 2 a year. This includes a few periods of one night stands and/or casual relationships. It also includes a few years of being totally chaste (i.e. my first two years of college).

I don't subscribe to the newsletter that says having one night stands or short relationships are "poor lifestyle choices." If I discover some major incompatibility or "dealbreaker" with someone I'm seeing just a couple months into a relationship.. it's over. Even if we've been having sex since two weeks in.

Just because you've had sex with someone does not mean you have sold your soul to them, nor does it mean you are obligated to pursue a long-term relationship with them. Sometimes sex is just that: sex. Casual, fun, and if not with someone you're already serious about.. it better involve a condom.

I agree ^. Don't lie, but avoid the actual number unless he insists on knowing.

It will depend on his level of security. He might be fine with 30, or he might not. How well do you know your BF? How stable is your relationship?

Anonymous Sex ≠ Appropriate Salutation

"Thirty-seven?!?"

:D

The lol response is a waste of space. Get over it. Now...

Thanks,
Everyone here at tfp.

In a ROW?!



meh...some people freak out about numbers...some don't. Some people STILL adhere to that double standard where guys can (and should) sleep around as much as they want, but women shouldn't. It's annoying. And stupid.

As everyone else has said... don't lie about it. If he can't handle your past, there's not really a reason for him to be in your future, is there?

This is why I have a strict 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. I'm going to pretend I'm like her seventh or eighth and live blissfully in my own ignorance. I'm secure enough to know where my insecurities lay.
If he didn't ask when you he told you his tally, he probably doesn't care, so chill out and show that boy the time of his life :-)

This is what you say: "I'm not telling"
This is something you should NEVER talk about no matter what your partner says. (Exception, you've been married forever)
how do you respond to "why?"
1. Because it's none of your business.
2. It's in the past, so it doesn't matter now.
3. Because I don't want to tell you <-- recommended response.

It's simple refuse to give anyone such a number. They NEVER really want to know. You should never want to know someone so completely that there are no secrets either. Your supposed to trust for a reason. They will get over not knowing much faster, and I say this from experience, and repeating "I don't want to tell you".

Two more things.
1. If you don't give them a number, you don't have to lie about it.
2. Make sure next time the subject comes up you tell your next partner you don't want to know BEFORE you get a number. Saves you from having to tell.

Except for not lying, I think I literally disagree with everything said.

I'm at zero, and I can tell you that's not too many...I guess it would be more quality than quantity. If most of your partners are all-around decent, then I good for you. If you're sleeping with trash for the sake of getting laid (on a regular basis), then you've probably got a problem.

I have just one
Sex life started very late and just settled with it

I believe that discussing past-lives with present one is NOT A GOOD IDEA

The ones you regret are too many for you, the ones who gave you something incurable are the ones that are too many for me. Crompsin said something a while ago along the lines of "people need to stop treating sex as a weaponized commodity," and the same goes for sexual relationships.

If you have a problem with the number of past partners someone has had, it's because you're still putting the act of sex on a pedestal like society tells you you're supposed to instead of enjoying it like 2 million years of human evolution have programmed you for. Yes, there are people who sleep around as a substitute for self esteem, but they're the ones who pride themselves on the count and see it as a measure of their desirability and value as a person. Those people's problems will show up soon enough anyway. On the other end of things, people who have abnormally low numbers tend to be uptight and boring. This will also show up on its own. Don't assume that a number alone is a problem, affirming the consequent is a formal logical fallacy for a reason.

Humans are ho-bags.

I love women that have had allot of sexual partners. I'm always curious to hear the details as I'm very secure in bedroom. In fact, I find being with an experienced woman to be a bit of a turn on because it makes me want to please her all the more. To show her how I'm a better lover than her past experiences.

Also, at my age, I know longer figure that having sex outside of a relationship is necessarily the end of the relationship. I seem quite able to differentiate between sex for sex sake and an affair of the heart. My current GF has my permission to have sex with other men should she desire it, as long as she tells me about it in our own bedroom adventures.

As to my own number, I have no idea.

It all comes down to the people involved and their sexual morality in the end.

Quoted for mother-fucking truth.

Matters of the heart are too awesome to be letting things like personal insecurities screw things up. We all need to grow up sometimes. :)

For me double figures is somewhat astonishing, but then Im a bit of a prude really.

Fucking two people and not remembering their last name? Okay.

Fucking thirty people and not remembering their last name? All bad.

My number can be counted on one hand. Who cares? really? It doesn't show I sleep around or I haven't slept around (not), I've been in two major relationships in that time that were more than 1 year. I wouldn't even call it putting sex on a pedistal as was said above. I don't think you should ask someone for their number, doesn't matter, never mattered to me. My fiance told me a high number 13... didn't bother me, although I found out later that it was much, much lower than that, which still didn't bother me. We still explore eachother sexually in ways I've never done before with anyone else.

Just because you don't have that many partners make you boring? Another generalization that can be made about someone with too many being slutty. To take such a hard line that sleeping around makes you a slut is ridiculous, I find it to be more of sexual jealousy. That one person couldn't have that many partners. And I do have a cousin and best friend that sleep around for self-esteem. They are both idiots and need to grow up.

1,000,000 might be too many.

Depends entirely on how many tentacles you have.

.

.

.

Snowy.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
:thumbsup:

I'll bet the number will bother him. I polled some guys around the office and they seemed to think that number would screw with his head. I'd probably just tell him that it's not something you feel comfortable sharing - which is also true. If you are still together in a year or two and it comes back up, then maybe you can place it in context without damaging his ego. Early on, it's going to mess with his performance.

And this is why women lie about their "number".

And why men feel inadequate and unhappy when they're with the same partner for a year.

If a man can't handle how many partners I've had, that's his problem. And if he feels inadequate...also his problem. I've had long-term relationships and short-term. I've never lied about my number. But I can see why some women would.

...now that we've both stated the obvious...

...

My point was that a woman that has made such life choices is not for me.

I want a partner that is more congruent to my lifestyle and experience.

And if that was the only thing wrong with an otherwise great girl? Ditch her?

What if you're in a relationship with someone and find out later that her number was too high for you? A good relationship?

I get what you're saying about life choices. But why does that particular area need to be congruent? Does it matter if she's had a substantially lower number than you, or is that a good thing?

I smell a defensive odor emanating from your posts.

...

It isn't "wrong" and no, I wouldn't ditch a girl over it. You define "great girl" one way, I define it another. It's all personal preference. I'd like to be with someone who's about as reserved and cautious as I am. Safe sex practices include not fucking everybody on the planet. I'm an average guy and I'd love to slap my hips against the backside of plenty more girls... but I'm not in a rush. Courting / dating / fucking is an expensive hobby and comes with some pretty hefty responsibilities if you wanna do it right so you can escape unscathed.

I've had plenty of good relationships and the sexual body count of my partner was never an issue. If we talking are about just this issue in specific, I can make statements like those above. Of course I consider the whole package when I'm with someone... don't be ridiculous. I'm not a complete asshole.

I would prefer someone be able to justify their number, whatever it is, instead of saying, "Yeah, I got totally wasted and let the whole football team triple-plug me my freshman year... I don't really remember how it happened but I've toned it down a bit since then..."

Nah. I'm well past the age where most people really give a flying fuck about body counts. And when I was that girls age, my number was 2, one of whom I was married to. It's more probing with honest curiosity about how men feel about these things. I'm fascinated by gender differences as you'd rarely find men posting about something like this in reverse.

I hear you. I find myself feeling sad when I hear about someone who's slept with a lot of people at a young age. Mostly it feels like, "What were you looking for? Did you find it?" And that's totally projection on my part because I know if I'd had a high count at that age it would've been in search of love and affection and not just hot sex. I was incapable of separating the two at that time.

I feel less sad about older people. Mainly because I'm well aware of what they were looking for and pretty sure they found it. :thumbsup:

I think I'd be better off not knowing how many sexual partners my partner has had as long as she was clean and didn't start her sentences with "Well, the last guy I've been with... ."

However, that may speak about the simple fact that I would be uncomfortable with dating someone with a high number. By high I mean whatever number would make me uncomfortable at the time of finding out. The Number is not a constant, mind you. Then again, I haven't yet had the pleasure of such an experience, so that remains to be seen.

I beg to differ ... even though I don't get around the block as much as I want to I'd like to have sex with at least 69,740,862.05 people simply for hot hot sex before I die!!

okay,i m a married man,37 yr old,my wife is 32 yr old ,one day same question asked my wife that how many is too much,i said nothing is too much,we both have relation out side marrage and we both love each other too much ,
i did not count how many i had.i think more than 20.and i still think its not too much

Are we counting prostitutes? Because obviously I don't ask them about their activities. Suffice it to say it does not bother me.

I never understood why a significant other would get so hung up on the past number of relationships/sex partners. I really don't, is it a jealousy thing? Is it intimidating? I've had this happen to me in several relationships (as well as seeing it happen to friends)and have been baffled by the wide range of responses from acting hurt to anger to being cold. I can't fathom why somebody who wants to be with you and likes everything about you would flip out about one to many in the past. Is there some unspoken rule about living up to the imagined standards of future relationships?

Anyway to the OP I'd try to test his reaction first does it seem as though he's concerned or curious? If its just curiosity I'd tell him and shrug it off like its nothing. If he wants to know so he can size up your moral code tell him its none of his business or just give a round figure....maybe knock off a dozen or two. Honestly I hate when this question comes up in relationships and the kind of problems it causes, at this point I'd just tell people to lie about it.

Hope this helps.

Do you date them? Cuz, that's what this thread is about. Or are you asking "do hookers count against my number?" If so I'd say emphatically yes, if not double or triple.

^^ Ohh man, sex ed really did a number on me. The fact that sleeping with one hooker translates to a hypothetical fucking 18 other men depending on how she gets around still gets my skin crawling!

So far all the formulas for figuring out how many men/how many years has the guys in a single file line. If we take man to the second or even third power...... well you can see how the numbers can really add up rather quickly. And that leaves alot more time for extended monogamous relationships and even a little solo time.

When you get abook at the library you don't wig out about how many people read it before you, so unless you have a list tatooed on your ass tell him what you think HE will be comfortable feeling. Every dude is different and you know this one, so figure it out. Personally, I have been with my gf for ten years and don't want to know. I'd never put her on the spot like that. If I NEEDED to know she would have told me. There are better, more important things to talk about.

BTW, it might be best to act like everything you do with this guy is new to you. Ya know, since he wants to believe you're some kind of virgin.

Good luck.

Care to explain what this means in terms that a 7th grader can understand? I'm a little slow.

...

And did you just compare a vagina-toter to a public library book? I didn't know McGraw-Hill products could get STIs or pregnant.

I mean multiple simultaneous partners. That would dramatically lessen the time required to amass a membership list the length of the average football team roster.

I believe they are called "STDs" and if I picked up a book that one of the previous readers had spilled chili in or glued the pages together with a milkshake or (perish the thought) torn some pages out of so the covers didn't even close right anymore, well I might have to get a different copy of that book. Some books are pretty to look at and some are not, some are hard to read, some the words flow off the page effortlessly. Some books you read once and remember forever, others you want to read over and over and hopefully you find something new every time. Some books you just can't get into no matter how much you try to understand them, as if they're written in a foreign language.

Hi. Great place to make a first post. :)

I think the question itself is a little too broad to really answer, being that it wholly dependent on the person. It's interesting to see how many people are cool with multiple sex partners here as opposed to people on the exact opposite end of the spectrum.

For me, I guess it's more dependent on a few thing. If I'm in a relationship with the person in question: if she's clean and I know that she cares for me, it really doesn't matter. I've only slept with two different women, so I'm aware that chances are who I'm dating is gonna have a higher number than me. Which I am wholly OK with because a woman who knows what she likes in bed is insanely hot.

To address the "don't ask/don't tell" deal, I think that those kinds of secrets are detrimental to a relationship's health, being that relationships are about openness. I'm not really a conservative person, so I'm not gonna shun my girl for saying that she's been with X amount of partners. Of course, if it's a super high number I'll ponder it a little bit, but as long as she's clean and we care for each other, it's all good.

Besides that, I'm not really the hypocritical type: if I weren't in a relationship, I'd be trying to bang as many girls as my morality would allow. Now, as far as casual sex is concerned, I don't think that the number is important. Because there isn't really any meaning behind the act; it's just good ol' spontaneous sex.

18?? More like 18 a week...probably up into 4 digits by the time they 'retire'

^^ I meant like 18 a day, that is, if she's running a mill ... :surprised:

Your previous partner number is something in your past. We move on.

You lying about your number is something you're doing right now, in the present.

You didn't sleep with x number of guys in order to hurt him. It predated the relationship so is a low level factor.

You lying about your sexual count is a directly negative act against your current relationship. You're lying. And by lying you give weight to any insecurity your guy might have because you felt that you needed to lie. If you're open and honest he should see that the number isn't that important. Start lying and you make your past something dirty, or dishonorable, or at least worth keeping in the back of his mind whenever he's with you.

^That definitely is too many.

I'm a one guy gal. That may sound boring to some but....it's not. Creativity, imagination, and keeping oneself fit and sexy makes up for it. I love making my man feel special and how would I do that if I had multiple partners?

Shouldn't the limit imposed on a partner's sexual encounters be similar to the limit one would place on their own encounters? ;)

I hate the social double standards on this subject. I've even had a girl pull "this is my first time" ala Wedding Crashers on me.

Still, you can't lie about this if the plan is long term.

Too many cocks in one room that is :paranoid:

I'm probably in the minority with this, but I've always felt that 1-3 partners is the best. I've had two including my current girlfriend. I just think of that kinda stuff as being too important and too special to just share with anyone that comes your way. Thinking that way has made things so much more exciting.

As others have said, it's not about the numbers, it's about the intentions and the person. If someone has had 20 vacation flings or nights on the town that left them smiling, or went through an exploratory phase where they set about trying different things with different partners, that's much different (and more attractive) than if they had ten attempted relationships that failed because of the same unrealistic expectations every time.

it's hard to satisfy more than 2 at a time!
 

unless you have a friend who can help!

I agree. This much activity shows a lack of value of the act, and possibly of relationships in general. Not a big deal if your partner is of similar mind, but when you want to settle down to a serious relationship a partner who values these things will think that you don't, with good reason, value these things too.

Personally a very low number like 0 or 1 at an age of 25 is just as worrisome, as the person might be the type to commit too quickly and become your next stalker....

I wouldn't even place that sort of limit on someone. If I meet a girl who's had plenty of partners but doesn't regret any of them and was safe with all of them, it won't bother me. It's getting into dangerous and regrettable behaviors for whatever reason that sets off alarm bells in my mind. The only number that matters to me is "none that I regret."

"Little bits of skin. I begin to tear away, to tear away. Pin prick, beware I sold my, sold my soul. A restless reaction to what becomes the norm. Sold my soul for little bits of skin."

/inebriated post

I'd say 10+ is a bit much. But now ask me if I care. I don't. If someone calls you a slut reply with "Thank you." It only means you get more ass than them. lol.

I would say that 30 is probably par for the course for anyone (either gender) coming of age since the Seventies.

Of course, women aren't supposed to openly keep such stats!

---------- Post added at 05:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:09 PM ----------

I think that any figure above 100 should bwe suspect!

:paranoid:

What, Baraka? What?

And therein lies the rub, because you freaked out about one guy, which if she sensed was going to be problematic due to your nature, was a fib in the first place just to test the water and see how you would react. If you did react about the one guy you will never know anything else, that's the way it is.

Guys who flip out about sexual things in any way shape or form will never know their partner's real sexuality, their wife or girlfriend will simply keep that part of herself a secret. It's a huge percentage of married people that don't share their experiences or fantasies with the one they are married or living with.

My favorite thing in the world is getting someone to trust me enough to tell me their dark secrets and fantasies. I love it when I bring out a sexual side of a woman that may have been repressed all of their lives because guys do freak out about different things that might come out.

I have put it out there to engaged women right before they are going to get married that they owe themselves one last chance to turn loose for one of the greatest nights they've ever had in bed. You would be amazed about how many women will go for that, and I'm talking the uptight and straight laced ones that you'd never believe it of. I'm convinced that it wouldn't happen if they had guys who were open and easygoing about sex between them, they wouldn't be curious like that. What makes sex great is being able to be really open and honestly direct, what's more direct than suggesting one last fling that's purely about sex and nothing else?

I love a woman that has been with a fair number of men because they love sex, and you know what? They are a hell of a lot better in bed generally speaking than uptight women are.

Thanks for sharing, Audioguru, but no. (a), you missed the word "internally". (b), we have discussed *everything*, including going through old photo albums.

Also, "congratulations" on boning engaged women.

Unless any of those number were being cheated on, I wouldn't care if a girl had had sex with 30+ guys. I'd ask her how long her relationships usually last. And if I was interested, then I'd talk to her about how we might make this one last.

Part of me actually likes the idea of dating a much more experienced woman. It means she's likely brave, good in bed (best part), good libido, and doesn't care what others think of her (ah and probably not religious :) ).

---------- Post added at 11:23 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 AM ----------

I'm under 5, and the opposite of clingy. I wouldn't say that's true at all. I just like to get to know a girl better before I sleep with her, otherwise its ick.

PS and I'm a 26 year old male who went through college! Surprise!

Wait, what does college have to do with anything?

It's scientific fact that stupid people have more sex.

"Hi, I'm not a genius and would like to rub my smooth spot against your leg. Game?"

I'm the same way.

I love hearing about my GF's past. Totally turns me on. Don't know why, just does. I'm not really insecure about the number of men a woman has slept with. In fact, the more the better. It turns me on, and I love women who love cock. (I don't want to be with some up tight woman who was raised to keep a dime between her knees at all times. I want a woman who reaches down and crabs my cock and tells me to fuck the shit out of her.)

Two people is too many.