Seeing an Ex - She has a child - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

paulskinback · 06-07-2007, 09:34 AM

Well I met with an ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago, she is still absolutely stunning and a lovely girl and we got on like a house on fire

I may pursue the relationship, the only problem for me is that she has a 2 year old son. The father used to abuse her and is generally an arse. I met him once through a mutual friend and he seemed like a cock.

I'm obviously new to this having kids thing, and don't know if I could handle it.

Anyone had a similar relationship?

I just don't want to end up being a "daddie" of sorts, but I think she's great

Willravel · 06-07-2007, 09:56 AM

I dated several mommies. Do you like kids? Do you see her as a real chance of being your wife? Do you think you're ready to raise a child? Go for it. If not, then those are things to consider. Being a dad or father figure does have serious responsibilities and demands that you can't do half heartedly. Don't worry about the biodad unless it seems as if they may get back together. He had his shot.

Best of luck.

ItWasMe · 06-07-2007, 11:54 AM

If the problem really is that 'she has a 2 year old son' I think she ought to know this at the starting gate. Before her son gets attached (and they do), and before she gets the idea you could be anything serious.

Other than that, Willravel gave a very good post and had helpful questions for you. More to ask youself: exactly what about it do you not like? The noise, commitment, time structure, little people, responsibility, you don't like kids, you aren't used to kids but don't dislike them?

I was a single mommy for 5 years. If anyone thought my having a daughter was a 'problem' it was best to let them find someone else. A better fit, if you will. Because I never wanted her to feel that she was a hinderance, or anything other than a blessing.

Good Luck.

Willravel · 06-07-2007, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

Willravel gave a very good post

Thank you!

analog · 06-07-2007, 12:04 PM

This type of thing has come up as threads before, so I'll just go ahead and be the first to say it before everyone else does:

You will always come second. Always. Every single time.

Accept that, or move along.

ItWasMe · 06-07-2007, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

...You will always come second. Always. Every single time.

Accept that, or move along.

Yep, that's true. She'll probably put her kids first, you second...and herself third. And if there's a chance you might actually want a family with your own kids (I know Analog does't, and that's ok

), you want someone who holds their children in such high regard. I dated a single dad once, and would not have given him a second glance if he didn't put his son first.

And you're welcome Willravel

Plan9 · 06-07-2007, 01:17 PM

Rice-A-Roni Instant Family.

Looks good on the outside. Cook it up and it tastes like regret and bitterness.

Her: "YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER!" Kid: "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER."

Yeah, screw that. Let's do it lion style: Meet woman with kids. Kill kids. Make new kids.

Sultana · 06-07-2007, 01:38 PM

Yes, it takes a special guy to persue a relationship with a mommie.
Sure you can handle it. The question is: "do you want to handle it?"

No shame if you don't. Just don't waste her time.

Ilow · 06-07-2007, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

You will always come second. Always. Every single time.

actually, this isn't always the case, but the conundrum is that you should never want to be with a woman who it is not the case for... [shrug, fapping is so much easier]

tenniels · 06-07-2007, 05:42 PM

I don't think I could handle instant family. I don't want a family of my own yet, mind you to play house with someone else's. I have heard many great instances of it working, but I know for certain, it's not for me. I've had a couple guys that were wanting to go out and stuff, but they had kids and I couldn't. I didn't want to do that to their kids. I don't think the kids should even be involved until it is something definite and serious. Date first, hang out together and then see if it's worth involving the child, because all of that can just be too confusing and unfair for them to deal with. I like kids too, but I just don't want that kind of involvement with someone else's kid, so I think it would be important for me to be upfront about that. Let us know how things go for you

dirtyrascal7 · 06-07-2007, 06:29 PM

Sounds like you just need to take it slow and see how things go... there could be a period of adjustment, or you might surprise yourself and enjoy spending time with both her and her son. Every relationship comes with some sort of baggage, hers just happens to be in human form.

By the way... your avatar is waaaay too distracting. It took me a good 10 minutes to read your post. haha

paulskinback · 06-08-2007, 07:48 AM

Thanks for all the useful advice guys and gals.

Well we've met up a couple of times this week as the biological father has her son this week. Getting on really well and I have mentioned the fact that i'm not sure how I feel about the situation of her having a son. Hadn't thought about stuff like that before.

Will: I do like kids, and someday I will have kids of my own (hopefully). I'm not sure if i'm ready now. My life is only just settling down after a few years of everything being "up in the air". You've got a good point that being a dad is not a half-hearted affair, and that's what concerns me. Who knows, maybe something like that is what I need in my life, or something to avoid completely?

I don't know how i'd feel telling friends and family that we met back up and she's got a child. Maybe they'd think I was a fool for going near her, or people might have less respect for her. I know other people's opinions like that shouldn't really matter but we're kidding ourselves if we said we didn't care what others think.

The sex was good last night

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenniels

I like kids too, but I just don't want that kind of involvement with someone else's kid, so I think it would be important for me to be upfront about that.

So you would tell her that although you'd like to see her, you wouldn't want any involvement with the kid? I think that would be an instant "no-no" in her eyes....

It's really unknown territory for me here too

Plan9 · 06-08-2007, 09:06 AM

Oh, "the sex was good" gets its own line.

Right on.

Sultana · 06-08-2007, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paulskinback

I don't know how i'd feel telling friends and family that we met back up and she's got a child. Maybe they'd think I was a fool for going near her, or people might have less respect for her. I know other people's opinions like that shouldn't really matter but we're kidding ourselves if we said we didn't care what others think.

Just because she has a kid, or because she's an ex?
I hope it's not because of the kid, it's not an STD for cryin' out loud!

Quote:

Originally Posted by paulskinback

So you would tell her that although you'd like to see her, you wouldn't want any involvement with the kid? I think that would be an instant "no-no" in her eyes....

It's really unknown territory for me here too

Yeah, so you get to weigh the needs of a dependant human against your desire to have a good time. Of course if she's a mom, a good mom anyways, she's not going to look kindly on you not making the kid a priority.

I'd recommend going slowly here, especially if you don't want to hurt her feelings.

06-07-2007, 09:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
paulskinback Insane	Seeing an Ex - She has a child Well I met with an ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago, she is still absolutely stunning and a lovely girl and we got on like a house on fire I may pursue the relationship, the only problem for me is that she has a 2 year old son. The father used to abuse her and is generally an arse. I met him once through a mutual friend and he seemed like a cock. I'm obviously new to this having kids thing, and don't know if I could handle it. Anyone had a similar relationship? I just don't want to end up being a "daddie" of sorts, but I think she's great __________________ 'Everything that can be invented has been invented.- - 1899, Charles Duell, U.S. Office of Patents. 'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' - Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation

06-07-2007, 11:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	If the problem really is that 'she has a 2 year old son' I think she ought to know this at the starting gate. Before her son gets attached (and they do), and before she gets the idea you could be anything serious. Other than that, Willravel gave a very good post and had helpful questions for you. More to ask youself: exactly what about it do you not like? The noise, commitment, time structure, little people, responsibility, you don't like kids, you aren't used to kids but don't dislike them? I was a single mommy for 5 years. If anyone thought my having a daughter was a 'problem' it was best to let them find someone else. A better fit, if you will. Because I never wanted her to feel that she was a hinderance, or anything other than a blessing. Good Luck. __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

06-07-2007, 01:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Rice-A-Roni Instant Family. Looks good on the outside. Cook it up and it tastes like regret and bitterness. Her: "YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER!" Kid: "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER." Yeah, screw that. Let's do it lion style: Meet woman with kids. Kill kids. Make new kids. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-07-2007, 01:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Yes, it takes a special guy to persue a relationship with a mommie. Sure you can handle it. The question is: "do you want to handle it?" No shame if you don't. Just don't waste her time. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

06-07-2007, 05:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
tenniels Insane Location: Oh Canada!!	I don't think I could handle instant family. I don't want a family of my own yet, mind you to play house with someone else's. I have heard many great instances of it working, but I know for certain, it's not for me. I've had a couple guys that were wanting to go out and stuff, but they had kids and I couldn't. I didn't want to do that to their kids. I don't think the kids should even be involved until it is something definite and serious. Date first, hang out together and then see if it's worth involving the child, because all of that can just be too confusing and unfair for them to deal with. I like kids too, but I just don't want that kind of involvement with someone else's kid, so I think it would be important for me to be upfront about that. Let us know how things go for you __________________ I like things. And stuff. But I prefer to have things over stuff.

06-07-2007, 09:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	I dated several mommies. Do you like kids? Do you see her as a real chance of being your wife? Do you think you're ready to raise a child? Go for it. If not, then those are things to consider. Being a dad or father figure does have serious responsibilities and demands that you can't do half heartedly. Don't worry about the biodad unless it seems as if they may get back together. He had his shot. Best of luck.

06-07-2007, 12:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
analog Banned	This type of thing has come up as threads before, so I'll just go ahead and be the first to say it before everyone else does: You will always come second. Always. Every single time. Accept that, or move along.

06-07-2007, 06:29 PM	#11 (permalink)
dirtyrascal7 That's what she said	Sounds like you just need to take it slow and see how things go... there could be a period of adjustment, or you might surprise yourself and enjoy spending time with both her and her son. Every relationship comes with some sort of baggage, hers just happens to be in human form. By the way... your avatar is waaaay too distracting. It took me a good 10 minutes to read your post. haha __________________ "Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past." "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

06-08-2007, 09:06 AM	#13 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Oh, "the sex was good" gets its own line. Right on. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."