Disappointed in Girlfriend

[macmanmike6100]

Hi all, my girlfriend just took the MCAT for the second time. Like the last, she studied incredibly hard, but during her months of studying made the extra effort to analyze and avoid making the same silly procedural mistakes she did on the first one.

So now I call her to see how it went and she says, calmly and surprisingly, that she made the same silly procedural mistakes as last time.

I lied to her (go ahead, let me have it, I know how this community publicly is about lying but please hear me out) and told her that I'm not disappointed in her, only surprised because I know how hard she's been working.

But how could I not be immensely disappointed? I feel like not only is she unable handle these high-pressure tests (there are other examples, and she knows this herself) but that she hasn't learned, despite the fact that it's the only important test for medical school.

Worse, she says to me that shopping is the only thing that's going to make her happy right now, and my immediate (and stupid) reaction was to say "Do you really think you deserve that?" But I'm half-right, because who rewards a performance? I don't believe that she should reward the completion of her months of studying with shopping, which is something she does to excess when given the opportunity.

I'm thinking that I should just wait for the scores and see what happens. Should I really be telling her that I'm proud of her, and "support" her, if my heart is entirely not in it? What are your thoughts?

[visotech]

Sometimes I think we have to lie to protect the ones we love. Would you tell your child they truly suck at riding a bike - or would you figure out a way to help them overcome the problem. I know what I said is overly simplified, but as a boyfriend I think you really have to be understanding/caring when you make your comments on how she did or else you are just going to kill her self-esteem further then it has been killed by her own mistakes.

[savvypup]

That's what she needed to hear from you ... that you were proud of her and that's what you did, so that's great.

But how can you deep down harbour the feelings of disappointment? Is that because she didn't get up to the standard you would have liked? You said yourself that she studied and analysed her previous attempt, is this not good enough. Is her heart really in this career choice is maybe something she needs to consider.

As for shopping, why can't she? Is she spending your money or hers? For some people, I assume the art of shopping is their way of meditating - not my preferred choice, but I can still understand.

She needs you to be supportive, and be that!

[Siege]

Originally Posted by visotech

Sometimes I think we have to lie to protect the ones we love. Would you tell your child they truly suck at riding a bike - or would you figure out a way to help them overcome the problem. I know what I said is overly simplified, but as a boyfriend I think you really have to be understanding/caring when you make your comments on how she did or else you are just going to kill her self-esteem further then it has been killed by her own mistakes.

Actually, lying will just make the problem(s) worse. That doesn't mean you say things bluntly either. A few tactful comments on how to improve is much better than a sugar coated lie or a direct blow to their ego.

The more you lie to your s/o (even if they seem like lies to make them feel better/protect them), the more resentful you will eventually become of them. So long story short, don't lie to your s/o when they fuck up, instead help them improve.

In response to OP: Well, you shouldn't of lied, but I can understand why you did. And if your gf wants to shop, I say you let her, provided that it is her money. If it's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it. The most you can do is advise her.

[itch vaccine]

I wouldn't be supportive. But then again, you don't know the results yet, so you shouldn't be too hard either. When the results are out, you shouldn't lie about your dissapointment if it is bad. Else she won't change for the better. Lets hope it all turns out for the better

Edit : Sorry I didn't read the OP properly. She did try hard, and she still made the same procedural mistakes, all those studying gone to waste. This is what she assumes to be true, so don't be too hard on her, you never know the score might turn out to be good?

[DJ Happy]

Does her not achieving the marks she required impact you in any way? If not, then I don't see why you shouldn't be supportive of her. She made a mistake that will only affect her and as such she is the one who has to live with the consequences. I can understand you being disappointed, especially as this is not the first time she's made this mistake, but I can't see why you shouldn't support her.

[lurkette]

Why does this bother you so much? It's been my experience that, when you're this upset about something that someone else has done to themselves, you're not really upset about the thing itself. Is this a pattern in her life? Are you worried about what it "means" for your future together? Is it a side of her personality that you don't like and are reluctant to commit to? I'd say talk about the things that are really bothering you and leave alone the silly procedural mistakes.

[Acetylene]

Good grief, how is it any of your business? "Disappointed" in her? What are you, her father? Even for PARENTS it's not right for them to identify with their kids so strongly. What is she, your trained monkey who has to perform for you? So she got testing anxiety, so what!

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Why are you so wrapped up in your girlfriend's performance at school? Think about your answer and make sure it's TRUE--if you tell yourself, "I just want her to be happy", then you are lying to yourself and to her; if you want her to be happy then you will address the anxiety that causes poor test performance, and not add to it by making snippy remarks about how she does not "deserve" a "reward". Might as well spank her with a rolled-up newspaper like the bad puppy you seem to think she is.

Give your girlfriend an ounce of credit and try supporting her for real--imagine what SHE needs to be happy, not what you THINK she needs, or worse, yet, what YOU need to be satisfied that you are dating someone good enough.

[AngelicVampire]

I think we might be getting a bit down on the poor guy, knowing that someone you loved failed and wasn't capable of passing is very different from failing and knowing they could have passed. He might not be her father however she does seem to want to reward herself for failing, perhaps in his mind the way out of a cycle of failure is work rather than reward? People think differently, I know I would be upset if my brother failed his "exams" (basic literacy and numeracy tests for becoming a teacher, many students fail them each year!) and would likely berate him for doing so because I know he could pass them easily.

Failure and the recovery is very much a personal affair, he was perhaps insensitive however I can understand why he is disappointed in and for her.

[Mantus]

Your emotions and responces are justified. I am sure this is how I would have behaved if I were in your shoes.

Once you feel a little better about this please consider these questions.

What will lowering her self-esteem accomplish? Do you think low self worth will help her on the third attempt?

How can you get involved in helping her improve her performance? Not with words but though actions.

Do you believe that she wen't shopping to "reward herself"? Would it have helped her to sit at home and become emotionally distressed over her failure?

Why do you want to punish her, and why do you think she should be punishing herself? How will it help? What is to be won?

[Siege]

Originally Posted by Acetylene

Good grief, how is it any of your business? "Disappointed" in her? What are you, her father? Even for PARENTS it's not right for them to identify with their kids so strongly. What is she, your trained monkey who has to perform for you? So she got testing anxiety, so what!

Hold on a minute, so a coach can't be disappointed in the fact that a team lost an easy match? Or a parent can't be disappointed by a child who fails an exam that they studied like mad for? All it means to be disappointed is for someone to have a hope, or desire for another to achieve something, and that person not achieving it. Am I disappointed in my partner if he messes up an easy shot? You'd better fucking believe it. Does it mean I don't want to play with him, or I suddenly have lost some respect for him? No, I still think he's a great player.

And testing anxiety CAN be a big deal. Seeing as how this girl is taking the MCAT her 2nd time, it clearly means that she wants to succeed. What if she gets anxiety on the 3rd? The 4th? The 10th? Clearly, at some point, the anxiety WILL be an issue. Maybe it won't on the MCAT, but there are dozens of tests in life that aren't done with a pencil and paper. What if she gets anxiety then?

*EDIT: I didn't notice that you mentioned that you think the OP should help the girlfriend's test anxiety. I believe that she should get help for it too.

[macmanmike6100]

THANK YOU ALL for such great responses. What I particularly liked was the gamut of advice. I really appreciate it.

Many of you (rightfully) brought up the "reward" thing. It was a purely emotional, almost knee-jerk response; wholly unjustified and immediately regretted. It was indeed condescending, and I did wonder why I felt the urge to act like a father.

And really, it came from the fact that I was selfish in the moment. This whole MCAT thing has been a journey for us together...I became very tied up with it because I was supporting her the whole way. To hear her calmly suggest her utter failure metaphorically broke my back.

A friend of mine said it best, though: You've been supporting her so well along the way, why couldn't you do that one more time? And worse, I realized that it wasn't just the idea of "one more time" but that this is when she needed me the most, to support her <i>despite</i> a potential failure, for which many of you noted she's very much beating herself up about already.

I was selfish in indirectly lowering her self-esteem, because my comments really came from feeling personally injured: I "invested" something in her over all of these months, and here she goes throwing it away.

BUT that's exactly the wrong attitude because, in reality, I was investing in the relationship and if I can't handle supporting somebody who, admittedly, has a lot of test-related anxiety, I should allow her to find somebody who can handle it.

I've already made up with her and (hopefully) I can use this to learn to be more sensitive at the right times. It would've been far more appropriate if we had a heart-to-heart about why she didn't perform well when both of us are on a more even keel (plus, she hasn't even received the score yet, so who knows?).

Anyway, thanks again to everybody; I really appreciate your comments.

[Sultana]

Originally Posted by macmanmike6100

*snip*I was selfish in indirectly lowering her self-esteem, because my comments really came from feeling personally injured: I "invested" something in her over all of these months, and here she goes throwing it away.

Emphasis mine.
*snip*

I think this is interesting here...it seems to me that you feel like she (possibly) failed this test voluntarily, through a lack of caring enough about You. Why do you think that is? Instead of beating yourself up over it (although I don't think it'd be inappropriate to stop acting like her dad), I think it would be wise to examine this further.

I was wondering if perhaps this delays the date that you can put school behind you and get together...I can certainly understand strong disappointment in failure if that negatively impacts your future together.

Sounds like you've got this particular event taken care of, but it might benefit from deeper reflection to avoid possibly inappropriate hurt feelings (yours) and to keep it from happening again.

As you have already noted, it isn't really a benefit to have/offer emotional support when the other person is strong and not needing it.

Good luck to you both!!

[Lasereth]

Of course you should be disappointed. I wouldn't harp on it or even let her know, however. If my SO ever told me she was disappointed in me after I failed some huge task, I'd be heart broken. Support her all the way and let her know that it's not the end of the world if she does poorly. It's her life, so help her out and make her feel as confident as possible. If she does poorly on the exam due to a lack of care -- well that's a different story. We really need a better description of why she thinks she did poor before it's obvious whether you should express the disappointment. From what we've been given, I'd support her and tell her it will be ok.

[Buk]

Let me help you: "You screwed up my chance to buy a Ferrari!"

[wolf]

The problem here is you are thinking logically. Bad performance = no reward. Which is true when raising a child, to some degree. The example of the bike riding is perfect. Just because the kid keeps falling off, doesn't mean you tell them they suck. Humans are not logic problems to be solved. There are emotions which get in the way.

Berrating her at this point isn't going to solve anything. If you truly love her, then you should support her. Yes, it is a disappointment, and she understands that. The shopping isn't a reward, it is the fix for her depression. It's her lift. She needs the excitement of buying to fill the void left by her failure to correct her mistake.

If she is going to learn from her mistake and do better next time, she will need a good support system. This would be where you come in.