Anyone else have to deal with friends like this?

[Ustwo]

We make plans, he tells me he just has to check with his wife if she wants to.

We keep the weekend open. He tells me he hasn't checked yet.

He then mentions other plans he had first but he doesn't know if they are doing those or not.

Then he tells me (after I ask), it looks like those plans are what they are doing and he only found out last night at 10 (mind you I was on the computer so he could have contacted me).

This isn't the first time, we are at the point we assume we are NOT getting together when we make plans.

What this is the first, is when I caught him lying. Only reason I knew about the 'other' plans is we went out drinking on wed and he mentioned them then, most likely forgetting his earlier lie. We live close and I'm sure we are the fallback plan.

They are good friends but this has pissed me off to no fucking end.

[wdevauld]

There are always going to be people like this in the world. I think you have already moved to a higher level of understanding in realizing that they will make a bunch of plans and chose the one that they like the best.

I've got a couple of socialite/poodle like friends that behave like this, and you just have to keep their actions in mind. You may not always be the top priority, but then again, these people are the most forgiving when it comes to you cancelling the plans you have made with them.

[Cynthetiq]

annoying. just be upfront dammit.. that's all I ask. If you don't want to you don't want to stop making me "beg" for your attention...

--- yeah.. I've got to deal with "friends" like this... they are VERY low on the list of invitees to events because of it.

[*Nikki*]

I also have a friend or two like that. I have stopped being the one to make plans with them though for this exact reason. If they want to see me or spend time with us, they need to plan it.

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

annoying. just be upfront dammit.. that's all I ask. If you don't want to you don't want to stop making me "beg" for your attention...

--- yeah.. I've got to deal with "friends" like this... they are VERY low on the list of invitees to events because of it.

A fucking men, just fucking tell me what the hell is going on.

I'm torn between telling him off harshly and maybe losing them as friends or just putting them on the B list.

Whats really pissed me off though is that I had to ask HIM on IM, and after saying I hate being the fallback plan he said something like 'No thats not it we had these plans a long time they just finally materialized' (reguardless he lied either way) and then went off line.

I'm pissed.

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by *Nikki*

I also have a friend or two like that. I have stopped being the one to make plans with them though for this exact reason. If they want to see me or spend time with us, they need to plan it.

In this case he asked me first.

[genuinegirly]

Wow... that's really not very fun. When you make plans, you make plans. It would clarify things a lot of this guy admitted you are his fall-back and work from there. You should let them know that you'd like to be their primary plan at some point, and ask far enough in advance that they have no choice - but then again, you seem to be asking far enough in advance.

If it were me, I would accept my role as a fall-back to this couple and focus on finding other friends.

It's much better for friendships if you know you can rely on one another - and that includes knowing that the plans you make will happen. Maybe they will be more willing to stick to the plans when they realize you're not always going to be available to fall back on. Ask for firm, definite plans. End the invite with, "Let me know for certain tomorrow so I can ask someone else in the case that you can't come." And if they bail then - call them on it.

[Cynthetiq]

Originally Posted by Ustwo

In this case he asked me first.

oh then that's even more assholish that I anticipated. Not only does it make you look like he's waiting on better prospects to hang out with you, but to have initiated it makes it even more upsetting.

After having blown up a "best friend" last year about this very same subject. I am going to say, be the better man, and demure from confrontation, because now I wish I had.

Had I done that, then I'm not the one that dropped the gauntlet to challenge him. It makes it all on him had I just let him enough rope to hang himself.

[Jesus Pimp]

Bros before.. haha seriously though, find better friends.

[powerclown]

I hear ya...either tell me the plans are confirmed, or tell me they're not. Pain in the ass to be hanging in the wind.

Another fun one: when the wives don't much care for eachother.

Nothing like the aggravation of spending an evening with a buddy, while the girls ignore eachother all night. BIG FUN!

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

oh then that's even more assholish that I anticipated. Not only does it make you look like he's waiting on better prospects to hang out with you, but to have initiated it makes it even more upsetting.

After having blown up a "best friend" last year about this very same subject. I am going to say, be the better man, and demure from confrontation, because now I wish I had.

Had I done that, then I'm not the one that dropped the gauntlet to challenge him. It makes it all on him had I just let him enough rope to hang himself.

As much as I'd like to tell him to fuck off, you are correct Cynth.

I went to the gym early to burn off some of the righteous anger, and it seemed to help a bit.

[j8ear]

Originally Posted by Ustwo

...
They are good friends...

It sounds like this might need to be revisited.

Priorities, you know. Friends don't do what you described.

I feel you Doc...I really do, my wife and I have really learned alot about what real "friends" really are all about, after our daughter and my cancer.

It was as if a premature baby, and thyroid cancer are contagious?

If you feel you are making plans that will not likely happen, then hey...you should probably consider that fact, make your 'commitments' accordingly (i.e. non-commital) and remain open to other gatherings.

It could be the wives (if i'm not being presumptous about the 'we' situation you included yourself in) lacking compatibility too...I know that has been an issue with some of my aquaintances. Either way, honesty is what friendships are all about, and that's why I opened with my first thought.

-bear

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by j8ear

It sounds like this might need to be revisited.

Priorities, you know. Friends don't do what you described.

I feel you Doc...I really do, my wife and I have really learned alot about what real "friends" really are all about, after our daughter and my cancer.

It was as if a premature baby, and thyroid cancer are contagious?

If you feel you are making plans that will not likely happen, then hey...you should probably consider that fact, make your 'commitments' accordingly (i.e. non-commital) and remain open to other gatherings.

It could be the wives (if i'm not being presumptous about the 'we' situation you included yourself in) lacking compatibility too...I know that has been an issue with some of my aquaintances. Either way, honesty is what friendships are all about, and that's why I opened with my first thought.

-bear

Heh, no the wives are VERY compatable. We see each other a lot, which is the problem I think, we are always around so we are more of a backup. I don't mind being the backup in this case, but I do mind not knowing. The issue is how the husband fills their social calander. Heaven forbid they are home alone on a Saturday night.

[tooth]

I'll second the "find better friends" sentiment. Just stop asking the guy to do things. Simple as that.