Love Without Lust
 

So I've put this in Titled Living vs. Sex cause, well.. there's no physical lust...

I've found that there's no sexual wanting of girls that I fall in love with (although not totally complete love, it's more like a really really really strong crush hehe). I'd like to be close to them (there's 3 I've felt like this for.. one was a long-time-girlfriend), and stuff like that (like being able to hold them), but there's no lust there. It does my head in when I try to sit and think about it.... I try to figure out how I can feel so strongly about someone, and be heartbroken if stuff goes wrong, and yet there's no sexual feelings for them. I can never come to a real answer.

I've tried having girlfriends just because I've been sexually attracted to them and those relationships never work out (surprise, surprise). The one girlfriend I've had out of the three girls I've fallen in love with, we did alright together for a while. I loved her (she was my first love). Sex was good (the old 'even when it's bad it's good'.. there was no way I couldn't want it hehe).. but it wasn't like I felt a real strong pull towards her physically. It was her personality I fell in love with. I think the "no physical attraction" thing eventually ended it.. as it was driving me nuts.

So anyways, long story short (too late)... do other people have this feeling? I can't imagine married couples feel like this (I imagine when I find someone I love AND am physically attracted to, I'll marry her ;) ). How do you handle it?

Just trying to find some answers to something that's bugged me (and likely hindered me) since I hit puberty ;).

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on tv... however... I guess a lot.

I think the technical term is Madonna/Whore complex -

that the women you fall in love with you want to see in a certain way - kind of pure and chaste (as in madonna - the virgin mary - -not the bizarro singer) - and you don't want to see these women as sexual beings -or that they'd even have sex -- because that'd make them -- well - not nice girls... and you are supposed to love nice girls.

Nice girls do have sex, and actually like it -

Hmmm.. I've thought about that when I tried to figure it out myself.. never set that down as the real cause... seeing someone else say helps solidify it. Thanks :)

Well, the first step is identifying the problem.. now to fix it. Any pointers anyone?

Don't think about falling in love... Just date who you want to date, because the woman interests you, if love happens, it happens, if it doesn't happen... well then at least you get a smile on your face from some nookie...

What are your feelings about sex? Yeah, it's good, but in a small part of the back of your brain do you see it as something -- not sure if dirty is the word I'm looking for - with a negative connotation, not that the feelings you get from it are negative -- but that you shouldn't be having sex unless you are married (I spent way too many years in Catholic school -- does it show?)

I had the same issues as a youth.

As a rule for me I never went out with someone that I was just physically attracted to, after the morning and they don't have their "face" on well... it's not all that interesting to me.

As for keeping it all in check, I made a conscious effort in my early 20's to be celibate. I was trying for 5 years of celibacy and I only got to 3.5 due to meeting and moving in with a young lady that I thought we would work well together and we did for a good 3 years.

Back to the celibacy, it helped me understand and see women without sex in the equation. I wanted to be with and drawn to women that interested me beyond sexual pleasure and attraction. It was also the heavy party drinking years for me so there was also a bit of "sexual safety" there too. I don't ever have to wonder if I got someone pregnant or if I have to worry about HIV.

As for thinking about falling in love.. I don't.. it slowly dawns on me that I start to have feelings for this person.. now.. not exactly dates (as it's a uni-atmosphere.. and no-one really 'dates' ;) )... but just hanging out with them and stuff.

I'll probably be one of the only guys that ever says this.. but overall sex isn't that interesting to me. I don't see a "sex before marriage is bad" situation.. but I'm not constantly pushing for sex from someone.

"dirty".. I know what you mean.. and I'd like to think I don't... I don't feel 'guilty' afterwords or anything. Just.. I dunno. I'd like to say it's me subconciouslly being afraid to open myself up to such a level emotionally/spiritually/whaever, but that doesn't seem to make sense (as when I'm in love with someone, I don't really have problems telling them anything.. so you think I'd have no problem having sex with them. And overall I don't.. there's just no.. deep carnal lust or anything towards them hehe)...

Damn Latch...hard question, and as far as I'm concerned, a bunch of good opinions on it. I kinda, sorta know what you mean, but need to give it some more thought, that same thought has bounced around my head a time or two also.

There's a philosophical paradigm that has really taken off since Kant, but has been around even before him that might be somewhat enlightening to you. The idea of the division between mind and body, or the disembodied mind seems to describe your situation.

You experience love as an emotional experience and as a mental experience, but there's no connection with your body. Your frustration seems to stem from not being able to make that connection. Your admission that you aren't even that interested in sex indicates to me that you aren't getting any of the emotional/mental stuff from sex that gives it meaning. If you can start to feel that sex gives you emotional and mental payoffs, then it won't be such a non-event.

Perhaps you've grown up in an environment that emphasises using your head and rationalizing things and de-emphasises trusting your body and connecting with your body. Maybe your view of sex has been disenchanted by viewing too much porn, or the latent sexual images on TV and deadened your senses. Whatever it is, you might benefit from finding out what has deadened this part of you and try to understand how you've come to this point. That could be a good beginning.

As for turning on that connection, that will be harder. Your comment that you're subconsciously holding back could very well be true, and to figure out how to stop doing something subconsciously takes a lot of effort. Perhaps you just haven't found the right person yet to give that part of yourself to... and if that's true then hopefully you'll be able to let that part come out at the right time. The worry is that you'll find a way to keep that part of yourself from everyone you fall in love with, and you're missing a lot of opportunities for a full experience and blooming love for it.

Interesting wilbjammin... thanks for posting the idea....

It's given me quite a bit to think about.. my past.. my present.. and how I could change some things to have them work for me.

Thanks.

Latch, when I was younger (read 19) I had a similar problem. I'd love and worship the girl, but wouldn't feel like having sex with her: the standard song about how she's more than just a body you lust after, and that love is more spritual than physical. However, I found (of course, this is personal) that after some "practice" my physical feelings towards her changed. After a few months of having sex it started to feel natural to want her physically as well as spiritually. Maybe you just need to persevere a bit more. Don't *think* about it: love is not rational. Just let it happen.

I can tell you, that the best sex I've had is with girls I've been in love with.

Good luck