Want to move ahead, but stuck in her debt.
 

Edit: She will ultimately find this via Google. I'm clearing it out now. Thanks for everything, TFP!

You should talk together with a financial planner. These are all really valid questions that a professional in the field can help you sort out. There are ways of structuring the debt so she remains solely responsible for it, even though you may contribute toward payments on it as needed.

The "with no resentment" part is in your hands, of course. Now as somebody married 14 years, I can pretty much guarantee you'll find reasons to resent her. If it's not the debt it'll be something else. Far as I can tell, if you're a human being, you'll resent people from time to time, particularly those you care the most about. So I wouldn't worry about whether or not you'll resent her; you absolutely will, and she will you. Nature of the beast. I'd get more interested in what you're going to do with that resentment when it shows up.

Student loans are pretty much her debt till they are payed off. I don't think they can be transferred to you at all. When I got my divorce I agreed to pay my ex's loans, but the lawyer said that I still can't be held accountable for them if I don't pay. Talk to a financial advisor and get it straight.

Personally I'm in a similar situation. My GF has over 300k in medical bills from a recent bout with leukemia and if I marry her, I will feel the stress of repayment. Her credit is screwed too, because she couldn't hold jobs too well while she was on the chemo treatments. I'm probably still going to marry her when she finishes school and just get on with living.

What I'd really worry about is whether or not she can keep a job for any length of time. If she couldn't I wouldn't marry her.

Your gf's debt is her own, just as your mortgage debt is your own. Your name is not on any of her current loans or vice versa. Legally, you would not be responsible.

However, you seem to be a wonderful, thoughtful man and I can see how you might, as a human being, feel responsibility toward her. It is because you love her. That is what love is.

You are both luckyfortunate.

You're thinking of marrying her. From a financial perspective, you need to take on the mentality of shared finances. Yes, it's her student debt, and, yes, it's your mortgage, but as soon as you tie the knot, this distinction and separation, if maintained, could work against you and your long-term goals.

The advantage of marriage and of living in one household is the synergy that arises out of that. You essentially pool your income, share your expenses, share your tax situation, etc., and everyone (usually) benefits from that. Debt, however, can work against the both of you regardless of whose name it's under.

The sooner you get over the idea of "yours and mine" and into the idea of "yours, mine, and ours," the sooner you'll figure out how best to plan for things down the road.

You need to sit down and discuss these things. (With her, but also, as mentioned, with a financial planner.) You need to decide who is going to play what roles, and how each of you are going to contribute to your shared goals. You need to be on the same page. You're going to be part of the same financial unit. You can come up with plans to "divide and conquer" if you wish, but you both still need to keep each other in the know.

*Small cartoon devil appears on your shoulder*

Hey, Chief... I'm the voice of practicality. I suggest you find another woman instead of derailing your life to take care of this one. You only get X amount of time and money while you're on the planet... do you want to spend it digging someone out of a hole or building something grand? This woman is a hole... so maybe you should find someone who's ready to build instead. It's okay to be selfish about long term things.. you only get this one life.

*Devil disappears in a smoke poof shaped like a dollar sign*

*Small cartoon angel appears on your other shoulder*

Hey, Ol' Sport, when you die, your loved ones won't have to ask how much you left behind.

The answer is simple: all of it.

*Angel disappears in a smoke poof shaped like an hourglass*

*Small cartoon devil appears on your shoulder again, smoking a cigar*

Ugh, I see my halo-toting alter ego has been here! How annoying. Anyway... listen up, guy... like I said, I'm the voice of practicality. Him? He's all about the mushy stuff that you can have with anybody. Hell, there are thousands of great girls out there that you can take to Paris, have kids with, or to subject to your kinky sex practices (ya know, the ones illegal in Alabama)... just waiting for you to discover them at the library, dating sites, or on Craigslist at 3 AM. Sure, you might have feelings for this one girl, but is it worth it to throw away your quality of life to be with this person? Religion may love martyrs, but the real world calls them fools. Nobody is going to help you out because you jump on this kinda grenade. Just think about your future together... heh, misery loves company.

It isn't about taking money with you... like that numbnuts in white suggested... no-no, it's all about being able to spend the money you make during this life in a way that allows you to get the most out of your time. Are you gonna bust your ass at the lumber mill all week for 40 years just so you can drive a late model hatchback, eat canned ravioli 6 days a week, and help pay off her debts... or are you going to grab a woman who's got life by the balls already and use your wages for higher education, health insurance, a mortgage, travel, eating well, saving for that all-important retirement, and driving a vehicle that doesn't suck your will to live. The naive answer is to follow your heart... but let's face it... following your heart is playing into junk bonds.

Sure, it's all very materialistic... but, hey... that's life. We've got these two hands... and the purpose of life is to do stuff with them, right? Right.

*Devil disappears in a smoke poof shaped like a cartoon middle finger*

Pre-nup? You know, what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine, debt included, pre-nup to be revisited after debts are paid off?

*Small cartoon angel appears on your other shoulder, drinking a protein shake*

Okay, dude, seriously. Think about it. *coughs on the cigar smoke, waving it away* Money is renewable. Some of the richest people in the world have gone broke, repeatedly. You can lose it all and gain it right back again.

The things in life that you should be most concerned with are the things that were given to you for free. You can use those to make as much money as you want, if you really want to.

If you love this girl, then make a plan to be with her—stick with it...and you'll be better off than most. The money, you can sort out if you work at it. If you have a serious plan, that $90,000 will be a drop in the bucket, especially if the education it leveraged makes her marketable down the road. And isn't the interest on that tax-deductible?

She's not clueless to what's going on. You say she's trying, and that it bothers her. This is good, a motivator. And think of everything she's done for you. That is something you can build on in a life of give and take.

It's a student debt. It's not that she has a heroin-induced gambling habit....

*Angel disappears in a puff of smoke emitting the sound of blowing a raspberry*

While it isn't necessarily "your" debt, it is debt that will effect you and your future together.

If the student loan(s) are secured by the government and not a private institution, they can not be dishcharged in a bankruptcy.

At this point, though there are whispers of changes being made, you are only allowed 5 years of deferral on student loan debt, while you don't have to make the payments, interest continues to accrue. I have a friend, she took a student loan, secured by the government to take some cosmetology classes, for $6,000 in 1988. She now owes $32,000.

Student loans will never go away. Ever. If you go long enough without payment, your income tax refunds, if you get one, will be seized, and if you are married, that means yours too - unless you file an injured spouse claim and jump through hoops.

They can also garnish her wages without a court order for repayment of the loan.

Student loans are different animals from other types of loans.

*Small cartoon devil appears on the top of your head, wearing a towel around his waist and brushing his teeth*

Mr. Peace-Love-'n-Happiness is a cruisin' for a bruisin'. He'd tell you that that lepers need love, too... and maybe you should hook up with one of them.

Total nonsense. I'll let US divorce rate statistics do my talking for me. Main reasons for divorce? Money issues and the unhappiness related to 'em.

Don't let yourself be a financial flotation device, bub. You'll regret it. You might like the companionship now while you're solid, but just wait for the weight.

*Devil disappears in a smoke poof shaped like a Have A Nice Day smiley face*

at least it isn't credit card debt...

She was able to actually complete school and obtain a degree. That is a good place to start.

She was unable to consistently hold down a job. That kinda negates a lot of things. Why? Well, this is 90k. Not some chump change. I'm thinking about it objectively and like paying off 3 luxury cars ... a BMW is 40k and that would run you $850.00 /month for 4 years, so in a span of 8 years she should have paid off her debt if she had an income of $2,500 /monthly ... in NC ...

Yeah you REALLY need professional help in the form of an HONEST finance advisor.

EDIT: $2500 AFTER taxes...

I hear people who teach get some change knocked off their loans. Is that a possibility?

Only if you hold a Perkins Loan and are willing to teach at a Title I school for five years.

And the pool of middle class professionals in the US with 4 year and higher degrees is overflowing.

She should have gone with the luxury cars ...

It's not the money, it's the job thing for me.

My wife came into our marriage with $40K of debt. I came into it with $800. We paid it all off in 3 years. But, my wife burns like the sun with professional ambition. There was never any question that it would be done.

Your position is completely different. Here's what I fear. You take the risk and marry her. Two years from now you move to St. Louis for your PhD program, selling your house in Bumblewood. Since you are married, you buy the house together - in both your names. Wifey falls into the same rut as before and now she has $70k in debt and a shiney new house in St. Louis as an asset against that debt. Not good. Conclusion: Don't marry her until she eliminates 1/3 of her debt. Don't put her on the title to any property until she eliminates 2/3 of it. If you mean to her what she means to you, she'll get her ass in gear at the opportunity of keeping you forever. As the devil said above, 70% of all marriages which fail, fail because of money issues. You are neither unique nor immune to that fact.

Money-related marriage problems don't necessarily stem from not having much of it or carrying debt. Many of them are simply a result of conflicting ideas of money, conflicting philosophies, conflicting plans. Many couples will have one saver, and one spender. This means that without a plan, things can fall apart pretty quickly...both financially and in the marriage.

When a couple agrees on financial issues—which means actually discussing them (many don't)—and they work together as a team, that leaves less room for disagreements, misunderstandings, and even resentment.

I'll stress it again: if you have a plan and stick to it, you can make it work.

I agree with you completely. Based on the OP, I fear that the seed of resentment has already been planted for him, though. That's why my advise was phrased as such. Again, my wife had a HUGE amount of debt. But, she was working a full-time job and two part-time jobs when I met her - while going to college full-time. There was no doubt she took ownership of her responsibilities and took it as a personal pride to free our new marriage of the albatros. This girl doesn't seem to have that fire.

As always, TFP has been an amazing sounding board. I think the devil advice above was the most meaningful - I kept shaking my head and saying "no. no. no." That said, however, the rest of what EVERYONE else said makes a lot of sense too, and I think there is real value to investigating a pre-nup and a meeting with a financial advisor well before we consider merging our finances.

I love you guys.
-tritium