when is a close family too close?

[squeeeb]

i'm looking at this with a skewed, screwed up perspective, i know. i left home at 17 years old and never went back, been pretty much on my own since then, both parents are dead and i don't really talk to my sisters or brother, so i'm on the other end of the spectrum.

two examples of what i'm trying to figure out.

1) a guy comes into the hospital with a broken arm. he is at least 40 years old, yet his whole family, brothers, sisters, and in-laws come in "for support" and they act like he is terminal and going to die any minute.

2) a girl comes in with her two sisters, mother, and grandmother. five people, they move like they are connected. they all go into the triage room (a small room with space for maybe 3 people, including the nurse) they then ALL sit at the two chairs to register, then when they take her back into the ER, only mom can go and the other three almost freak out because they are being seperated.

i know these are examples of people in a hospital, and people act differently in that situation, but i've seen the same behavior outside of the hospital.

again, i'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, but this just seems creepy to me, and i've seen it a lot. REALLY close families, almost tribal and clannish. i know other cultures, for example albanians, are super close and tight knit, but here in the states, it seems kind of odd, almost cultish.

i know people who cannot go one day without calling their parents and siblings on the phone, even though they all live within five miles of each other. they have to be in almost constant contact with one another.

on one hand i can be almost jealous that they are so close, but on the other hand, it seems weak. they can't survive without the support, they can't make it on their own, they can't make a decision without checking what the rest of the family thinks.

how close are you with your family? do you have to call them or see them (or both) every day? is there such a thing as "too close"?

[Halx]

A good example of this is that family in "Brothers & Sisters" - I can't stand watching it, I dont think I'd ever be able to live it.

[Glory's Sun]

my wife's family is "too close". they have to call each other every day and chit-chat about the dumbest shit ever. seriously.. her mom acts like she has to give her input on every little detail of not only her life but ours as well.. it's more than annoying.

my family..eh we're there for each other when we need to be but we usually leave each other to their own devices.

[LordEden]

One half of my family is like this, the other half ACTS like they are like this, then just talks about each other behind their backs. I'm the black sheep so I'm just talked about all the time.

I could care less, my mom wants me to call her everyday and often sends my step-dad to check up on me (he works across the street). I don't think you can truly grow up like this, it keeps you in a weird state of mind for the rest of your life.

[Martian]

I think parents and children are a separate category from siblings or other relations.

I am a fully acknowledged Mama's Boy. I love my mother and am in contact with her quite regularly. That is to say, I speak with her every 2-3 days on the phone and see her on pretty much a weekly basis. This is contrasted with Magpie and her parents -- even though they only live a few blocks down the road, we see them far less often.

When I first struck out on my own I had to communicate with my mother daily, for her peace of mind. She'd call me and if she hadn't heard from me in two or three days she'd start thinking the worst. She's gotten better with time.

I don't know. Everyone finds a way of functioning that works for them.

[squeeeb]

Originally Posted by Martian

.......... I speak with her every 2-3 days on the phone and see her on pretty much a weekly basis. ..........

see, now this seems reasonable, "normal," not too much, not too little.

[Plan9]

You mean like this?

[blahblah454]

I don't get it crompsin....

I keep in touch with my Dad fairly regularly. My mom, not so much. She gossips way too much and I don't like telling her anything because of that. I really appreciate my dad's advice and like talking with him, so I generally called him probably once a week at work to talk to him, and if I am going to make any major purchases I consult him before hand as well.

I have two brothers that I don't really talk to a whole lot, when they are down (one lives 1500km from me, the other about 3000km) we get along great, but I don't call them a whole lot, maybe once a month. I have one more brother who I am really good friends with, he is one of my best friends actually. I talk to him once a week probably, and this is the first year in about 6 years I am not able to go spend a week with him (1500km away as well), but in place of that we are planning a tropical vacation at the start of next year.

As far as aunts and uncles go I get along excellent with all of them and we have family get togethers often enough. But we are not all freaky close like some families.

[mixedmedia]

I'm not sure why you think it's weak to be part of a close family.

I feel fortunate to be part of a family that I actually like. From what I gather that's somewhat of a rarity. If I didn't like them we wouldn't be nearly as close, I am sure.

[MSD]

Originally Posted by blahblah454

I don't get it crompsin....

Look at what they're sitting on. Spoiler: That's the ruins of a public bathroom and they're sitting on toilets.

[blahblah454]

Only one of them is sans pants... maybe she lost the bet?

[Lasereth]

It all depends on how you grow up. My parents were drunkards and high all the time until I was about 10 so it already started off bad. Then they got divorced and cleaned up, but my dad and stepmom treated me and my brother like we were criminals when growing up, being over protective and not trusting us, etc.

In college I talked to my parents around once every 3 months and I certainly had no desire to see/talk to them any more than that.

Now that I've graduated, I talk to my dad probably once a week at most, my mom once a month at most. Grandparents are the same...talk to them once a month, see them sometimes once every 3 months, and they don't live far away.

Buut my brother. Now that's a different story. Being a twin that no longer lives in the same area can really screw with you. I would say on average we talk to each other 5-8 times per day, whether it be through email or phone or text. Sometimes it's more than that, usually 3 times a day bare minimum. My 2 sisters I talk to probably once every 2 weeks to once a month.

[Eweser]

My family is pretty close. I talk to my mom via IM and my dad on the phone almost daily. My brother and I don't talk as often. We all function just fine if we go weeks without talking to each other. I think the examples in the OP are more about the environment one is raised in. We were raised to love our family and be there for them whenever possible, but we can make it on our own just as well.

[squeeeb]

actually crompsin, yes, i do mean like that...

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I'm not sure why you think it's weak to be part of a close family.

.....

i don't think it's weak to be part of a close family. i think it's weak if you HAVE to talk to them at least once a day (sometimes more) every day no matter what, and you can't do anything without them doing it to.

---------- Post added at 12:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:27 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Lasereth

...........

Buut my brother. Now that's a different story. Being a twin that no longer lives in the same area can really screw with you. I would say on average we talk to each other 5-8 times per day, whether it be through email or phone or text. Sometimes it's more than that, usually 3 times a day bare minimum. .........

ahhhh, the twin card. i never even considered that. not being a twin i have no idea if there is some kind of special relationship or not. i wonder if it makes a difference?

my mother and her sister were twins, lived in different states, didn't stay in touch too often. no reason, they just didn't.

how does being a separated twin screw with you?

[LordEden]

Originally Posted by squeeeb

how does being a separated twin screw with you?

They can't use their special powers unless they touch rings, makes it hard for them to fight crime.

[genuinegirly]

My sis and mom are nearly inseperable, but that has more to do with caring for sis's kids than any desire on my sister's part to remain close. Our brother broke free from the family when he was about 19 - talk to him once every few months, see him once a year or so. We enjoy our time together, but he appreciates his space and we respect that. Mom gets a bit freaked if she doesn't hear my voice every two weeks or so: usually concerned that I don't like her rather than worrying if I'm ok or not. She worries that I don't like her because I will speak with my sister more frequently - a few times/week. I speak to Daddy once a month or so - he and Mom are still together so he gets updates on my life from her and calls it good.

My husband's family is quite close, he speaks to his father nearly every day and his mother weekly. Tt speaks to his father more frequently because Tt is the IT guy for his father's business. He'll also frequently speak on the phone with one brother who is a file clerk at his dad's office. His father can't survive a day without talking to Tt. All of his brothers keep in touch with mom and she updates all the sons on each other. Occasionally he will get a call from one of his brothers or another, they'll talk for hours - never a regular set time, though - maybe once every three months.

I do believe that my husband's family is a bit too close to be healthy - but they are far more independent than the scenarios that you have described.

[Lasereth]

Originally Posted by squeeeb

not being a twin i have no idea if there is some kind of special relationship or not. i wonder if it makes a difference?

my mother and her sister were twins, lived in different states, didn't stay in touch too often. no reason, they just didn't.

how does being a separated twin screw with you?

It can screw with you, but it doesn't always because I know of twins who aren't that close as well. But the environment and which we grew up and our extreme insecurities while growing up, combined with both of us being heavily introverted (until we got to college), also combined with living together for 22 years = a special bond.

Imagine the one single person that could be your best friend, the person you would care to talk to, then person you could always depend on...it would be yourself!!!!! So when your twin brother is just like you, thinks like you, has the same since of humor as you, enjoys the same hobbies and activities, and simply experiences life in the same way as you, it simply creates a relationship that you absolutely love. No, a relationship that you need. The amount of sheer enjoyment you can have with your twin is astounding -- more fun than I can have with anybody else by a long shot.

I know it's more of the result of our upbringing and the environment we grew up in combined with some serious self-conscious attitudes than anything, but holy hell we are fused together forever. And it's awesome.

[Punk.of.Ages]

I define family differently than most. I rarely see any of my blood family, except for my siblings. I see them a few times a week on average. I consider my close family to be my good friends. I see most of them about as much as I see my family, but we definitely don't need to talk every day.

DaniGirl's husband does freak out a bit if I go too long without contacting him, though... =p

When It comes to hospital things, we're always there for each other though. Like when my sister had her first child all our friends/family were there. We literally had like 30-40 people in that hospital hallway. (We didn't all fit in the room.) It was like a birth party! The nurses said it was the funnest birth they've ever done.

So, I'm pretty damn close with those I consider family, but I'm not dependent on them.

[Bear Cub]

Insertion.




Or maybe heavy petting if you're a conservative family.

[Psycho Dad]

Originally Posted by blahblah454

Only one of them is sans pants... maybe she lost the bet?

I'd say if you get to ditch the britches whilst going, you win the bet.

[ObieX]

When is a family to close? When the kisses change from being on the cheek to including tongue.

[Magpie_1]

My family is quite close. As Martian mentioned before. My parents just live a couple of blocks away from us. I'll see them once or twice a week or every other week. It varies. I phone one of my sisters mostly on the weekly bases. Also there is a lot of my extended family lives in the same town. It's comforting to me, knowing that I'm not far away from my family.

[Iliftrocks]

Grew up one of seven kids, with both parents, in a 900 square foot house. We were close by necessity then, but nowadays I rarely call them or chat with them online. I care if they are doing well, but they get on my nerves almost immediately during conversation ( well my sister anyway ). I don't understand having to see someone all the time in order to maintain connections. I can go a year or so and then meet up and it's just like they were next door the whole time. I enjoy my independence a bit more than others though.

Now having said that, I hope my daughter keeps in better touch with me when she leaves than I do with my parents... hypocrisy, I barely knew ya

[DaniGirl]

Well I think families should be really close. But I do think there is a time when families could be too close. When I was in Junior High I had a boyfriend that I was crazy about. But he never stopped talking about his mom. Then one day he comes out and says "my mom thinks our relationship is moving too fast and she wanted to give me sex advice". WTF he was 16 I was 14 (in my mind way too young and immature). Who talks to there mom about this stuff, and why would I want to talk to his mom about sex advice. This was a red flag for me. I was not ready for that crap.

[jewels]

Verrry interesting, but I think we're all going to see it differently based on our personal journeys so far. Years ago, I would have agreed with you. I thought I hated my parents.

Once I became a mom, my whole perspective shifted and I value family more than ever. I learned to accept my parents and forgive them as I learned what it really meant to be a parent. Since I vowed to never alienate my own children as a result of my own experience, I am extremely close to my kids.

I talk to my parents once or twice a week but don't share much that's personal since my mom's reaction to anything is kinda insane in my view. But I love her and my dad and try to see them as often as I can, which is once every month or two.

I think it's great to see a family that's there to support one another. The only negative I see comes along when there's one certain relative attempting to control others, or the one who wants someone to tell them when to wipe their ass.

[CinnamonGirl]

I'm close to my family, but not dependent. According to my mother, I've been pretty independent since I first learned I could hold the bottle myself.

When I lived overseas, I talked to my mom & my grandma pretty often. Mom would flip out if I didn't show up online for a few days in a row, which was kind of annoying... I've always said she worries too much (but then, she says I don't worry enough, so...) After I moved back to Ohio, I'd talk to Mom every few days, but would only see her once every two weeks or so (I think. I don't really remember, to be honest.)

I'll go months without talking to my dad, though. *shrug*

[little_tippler]

My family is not all that close, but I see my aunt (my mother's sister) and talk to her quite often, maybe every 2 weeks or so. Sometimes I spend a few days in summer at her house because it's in a nice vacation area and really relaxing and pleasant.

On my dad's side I have little to no contact. That is a long story.

The family member I am closest to is my mother. There are several reasons for this: my upbringing was pretty messed up because my dad was a very difficult man, so that made us closer. I am also an only child. My mom is also a worrier, and I'm the only one she's got to worry about currently. These days, since my father has passed, and then soon after that, my mom had a burst aneurysm, my mom relies on me for a lot of things. I guess I rely on her for a lot too. We speak on a daily basis and live very close by to each other. Sometimes we just want to say hi and let the other know they are thought of. It's really a support we give each other. I also see her more or less on a weekly basis. Sometimes it's too much and I need a break, but I love my mom and she's a great person. We're there for each other and are very close.

[allaboutmusic]

My brother and sister keep in touch with my parents much more than I do. This isn't because I don't like my parents, I'm just more introverted by nature and probably use less of my mobile plan than anyone else in the family.

[Daniel_]

I think when her Dad says "Does she still do that thing with her tongue?" you know there's an issue or two.

[sanity_advocate]

I see my parents generally every 2 weeks for dinner, and maybe talk briefly on the phone once or twice in between, mostly to talk about when we're having dinner (on the extreme rare occasion it changes) or to update on something really interesting going on in the family. An ex of mine would call her sister about 50 times a day, in between texting. That's not the reason she's an ex- but it might have been if not for the other stuff.

[PonyPotato]

I talk to my mom sometimes every day, sometimes every few days. Depends on what I have going on and whether I feel like calling to chat with her on the way home from work. I talk to my dad maybe every couple weeks, and my sister a lot less than that.

Extended family.. well, they all live overseas. I recently added an aunt, uncle, and cousin as friends on facebook and I email another uncle every couple months.. but otherwise, it's phone calls every few months and on special events (birthdays, Christmas, sometimes Easter) but that's all.

[amonkie]

I live 2,000 miles away from my immediate family, and the closest extended family is an 8 hr drive. I quickly taught my parents that no news from me is good news, so as a result I don't really have a set pattern of contact. I see my family 1-3 times a year, depending on travels and schedules.

I love my family more when I don't interact with them every day and get overwhelmed by personalities and beliefs in direct contradiction to my own. I've told them this to their face, though as my baby sister grows up, she and I have gotten closer.