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-   -   Important first meeting? "No problem," says monster zit. (https://thetfp.com/tfp/tilted-life/144891-important-first-meeting-no-problem-says-monster-zit.html)

Plan9 02-07-2009 07:52 PM

Important first meeting? "No problem," says monster zit.
 
This is going to be a pretty tasteless thread. Most likely total college toilet humor.

...

Thread introduction:

So I was just thinking about how awesome my body is... and it turns out that it hates me, too.

I mean, seriously... got an important first meeting like a date or a job interview? A zit big enough to crack open a beer bottle on appears on my chin within 3 hours of the start time. Without fail. Regardless of hygiene or any other factor. I don't even have to be stressed out or change my diet or dunk my head in a vat of Vaseline. No, Monster Zit (TM) will show up right on my chin, nose, or upper lip like a pore-clogging suicide bomber. Jihad on my face!

And is there ever great time for a sudden case of explosive diarrhea? No, but your body will save it up for the first trip home to meet her parents. Oh, yeah.

...

Thread question(s):

Okay, TFP... what awesome bodily malfunctions do you experience during important life events? Any good stories about ejecting butterflies made of vodka onto someone's shoes? How about destroying an interview with pit stains the size of Utah? Let us know how your body failed you.

I gotta know.

Baraka_Guru 02-07-2009 08:26 PM

I normally have to empty my bowels before boarding a plane. Sometimes 3 times within 10 minutes of boarding.

Every time I've taken flights, it was for good things.

ngdawg 02-08-2009 03:37 PM

I have IBS.
I know almost every bathroom personally between here and Charlotte, NC.
Ironically, or someone had a sense of humor, IBS carries a little offspring called "Dumping Syndrome". It means basically that whatever you ate bypasses the normal digestive steps and skips to the end. I have left Christmas parties, been late for everything important and some not so important.

Other than that, I get nice big zits on my chin or nose (still at my age) whenever I want to make an impression.

JumpinJesus 02-08-2009 03:51 PM

I sweat. I mean I fucking sweat. And if I notice I'm sweating, I sweat even more. I grew up in a dry climate, moved to a more humid climate, and my body has never forgiven me. In fact, it was in the 20s one day and I walked into a shoe store, and for some stupid reason, a sense of nervousness hit me and I started sweating...in 20-fucking-degree weather.

I need to spackle my pores.

Willravel 02-08-2009 03:58 PM

When I'm nervous, my intestines clench like the Rambo's fist around a huge knife right before he's going to go kill a bunch of Asians. This means several things:
1) Don't get nervous. Ever. Especially when it counts. You don't want an intestinal walk out when you're on a date with the hot Israeli chick you met at Green Peace. This means preparation; calming exercises like yoga, meditation, psyching myself out and the works.
2) Don't have lactose or carbohydrates in your gut when you've gotta do something that's important. Gas only makes things worse.
3) Don't wear those tight, Lenny Kravitz leather pants you like so much. Too much gut pressure is only going to make things worse. Tight jeans and the like are great for showing off, but junk display can't undo the damage of a really loud duodenum mating call during an interview or date.

Plan9 02-08-2009 04:31 PM

This is really entertaining, guys and gals. Thanks for contributing.

I'm a huge fan of foot powder. I stopped using it when I left the army and often wonder why. It's standard issue important meeting gear.

Nothing makes a date situation more weird than refusing to take off your shoes because your socks would be like, "Welcome to the jungle!"

Your date probably figures you have gargoyle feet or something. Maybe you're a velociraptor or just have sickly yellow hooves.

drag0nmanes 02-08-2009 08:33 PM

My eyes twitch. Light sensitivity or some crap. And when they notice it and say something it just gets worse and I can feel the blood pumping thru em going screw you B. Thank god for sunglasses and socal weather permitting their use everywhere.

little_tippler 02-09-2009 05:50 AM

Here's a few:

when I have to perform on stage (public speaking, or singing), I start to shake. It's not too noticeable but if you look my hands will be shaking like leaves. It goes away after a bit, thankfully. Also when I'm performing, I sometimes feel a bit panicky, which means I am unable to smile much, which I think makes me look a bit mean to people.

I have ulcerative colitis, and sometimes when I'm tired or stressed, I get impossible to control urges and have to go to the bathroom several times in the space of an hour. My tummy also likes to make pretty loud noises in silent rooms, like say in the middle of an exam.

When I am painting, and concentrating on the task very hard, and still have lots to do and can't afford to take a break, my upper lip swells up on the inside. I think because I'm biting it a bit more than normal. It looks funny and is annoying. I also get the eye-twitch when I am particularly exhausted, but only in my left eye. I don't think it's visible, but it's horrible to feel the blood pumping hard there.

Bodies are tricky things to manage!

Plan9 11-02-2009 09:57 PM

This thread needs more gross in it.

Punk.of.Ages 11-02-2009 10:02 PM

I fart... A LOT... when I'm nervous...

The insanely smelly kinds.

Martian 11-02-2009 10:59 PM

Digestive disorders. You want 'em, we got 'em.

I have Crohn's Disease, as many of you know. It means I get all the fun things that tippler and ngdawg mentioned, and then some. Bad gas -- we're talking weapons grade here. Having to use the bathroom at inconvenient times? Check. I've gotten into the habit of making a mental note to myself on where the nearest bathroom is when I enter an unfamiliar place for the first time. Not having one handy makes me nervous. I can't eat prior to important events, because eating carries the inherent risk of causing an attack. I have trigger foods that I avoid (I haven't had a steak or raw carrot in over a decade) but even with the strictest diet sometimes it just happens.

This is adult life with inflammatory bowel disease.

Under normal circumstances I'm not a very sweaty man, but when I'm on steroids the whole situation changes. You want to see your body betray you in ways you didn't know were possible, try messing with your hormone levels. Height of summer, if I'm on pred I can't leave the house without two shirts on -- guarantee I'll soak through one.

It also causes acne. And not just the regular face-pimples either. I get pimples in places I didn't know it was possible. Ever had a zit on your taint? Cuz I have. Let me tell you boy, that made sitting down rather uncomfortable.

I have stretch marks everywhere. Arms, legs, back, groin.

Drugs are bad.

Less disgusting but no less embarrassing is the arthritic knee. When the weather gets bad it gets all wonky. I've fallen down stairs on two separate occasions because of it. There's something about your fifty year old mother treating your twenty-five year old self as if you're old and frail that's just... humiliating.

As an aside, I think I'm in love with this thread. It's so damn honest.

noodle 11-03-2009 04:02 AM

I'm glad NG filled me in on Dumping Syndrome. Ladies' Night conversations just made a whole lot more sense.

I blush. Not like the cute, "tee hee" look either.
The full-on, Oh-My-God-Are-You-Going-To-Spontaneously-Combust?!?!?!111?! kind.
Including mouth dryness because every ounce of fluid heads elsewhere.
Doesn't sound like much, but it totally screws me up and freaks other people out.

I, too, know every "safe" restroom in any area I've worked or lived in.
My mother used to joke about my stomach prior to going to the dentist.
It wasn't funny. And mine, too, will announce its presence during any and all
quiet, inappropriate moments. Then suddenly require an immediate exit.
The SATs were a blast.

I don't just shake anymore... I get weird muscle spasms in my core now
when I get anxious about meeting new people, public speaking, or when
something is exciting. The gross thing is that you can see it depending on
what I'm wearing. You can hear it when I talk, too, it's just lovely.
My teeth chatter, my abs get a work out, and after it goes, my diaphragm
feels like someone stepped on it in combat boots. I often wonder if it's an
internal panic attack.

I'm not even going there with the new braces or skin issues I've had since I was 12. The zit is a given. The mouth sores are even better. Inevitably before I have to speak somewhere, I'll cut my lip and end up with a whopper of a disgusting cold-sore looking thing and have to explain that I don't have herpes, "I have braces :D " to the horrified people who are staring...

LordEden 11-03-2009 05:40 AM

I'll chime in and join the stomach problems category with the rest of TFP. My problems are not as bad as some (which is amazing considering my diet and massive amount of liquor I put in my system), but it still pops up at the worse times. I've left bars before just for the fact I wouldn't put my bare ass anywhere near that bathroom and went to a gas station I know is clean. Ever been in the middle of sex and have to poop NOW? Yeah, THAT'S a fun conversation, "No no baby, you were rocking my world SO HARD, that you rocked something loose." Plus, pooping with a boner has to be one of the most awkward sitting positions ever.

I fart alot. I seem to be farting 24/7. I was in B&N the other day I could not stop farting. I felt really bad when I was in the Manga section and let a REALLY loud and smelly fart out. I left the row as fast as possible in hopes that someone blamed it on the fat sweaty guy in sweat pants looking at the latest "Almost Child Porn" high school Manga series.

We had the gag reflex thread, but it is relevant here. I end up gagging myself alot. Coughing and drinking beer are the two biggest causes of it. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, took a hit of my bowl, coughed once, then ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Thankfully my friend knows this and just waited on me. I've thrown up after 2 beers in the middle of an afternoon because of this. I will get to much foam in my stomach and BAM it's coming out the way it came in. Thankfully its a one shot deal most of the time. I have mastered the art of walking around a corner, shooting it out of my mouth, and walking right on past.

wooÐs 11-03-2009 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LordEden (Post 2724418)
Ever been in the middle of sex and have to poop NOW?

YES. Or at least poot. This just happened to me the other day. I needed the bathroom bad. The position I was in just made it extra funny. I'm holding it in and holding it in. He's getting harder and harder and such because I'm getting tighter and tighter trying to hold it in. Omg so happy when he left.
Quote:

Originally Posted by LordEden
I fart alot. I seem to be farting 24/7. I was in B&N the other day I could not stop farting.

I carry a full size box (50ct.) of Maximum Strength Gas-X wherever I go {see purse thread.} I have to. I swear I'm worse than any man sometimes. Then I look at my dog and say 'thank god we live alone.' Anyways, I learned from my doctor that you can't overdose on simethicone. I take 5-10 at a time to make sure those damn things work the first time around. If I'm at home though, I don't bother. :o
Quote:

Originally Posted by LordEden
We had the gag reflex thread, but it is relevant here. I end up gagging myself alot. Coughing and drinking beer are the two biggest causes of it. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, took a hit of my bowl, coughed once, then ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Thankfully my friend knows this and just waited on me. I've thrown up after 2 beers in the middle of an afternoon because of this. I will get to much foam in my stomach and BAM it's coming out the way it came in. Thankfully its a one shot deal most of the time. I have mastered the art of walking around a corner, shooting it out of my mouth, and walking right on past.

Yeah you do have it bad :/.

Redlemon 11-03-2009 07:08 AM

OK, not nearly as gross as the rest of you, but occasionally, my ear will nearly catch fire. It gets completely flushed with blood and I can feel the heat of the blood coming off of it. Only one ear (but I'm not sure if it is always the same ear). I haven't figured out a trigger yet, but the last time was Christmas at my father-in-laws.

ZombieSquirrel 11-03-2009 08:00 AM

My period will either show up days early or days later just to coincide with my vacation. It's inevitable. I have learned to always pack tampons and Midol. My girlie bits hate me.

snowy 11-03-2009 08:36 AM

In the evenings, I sometimes flush bright red. Since this could lead to rosacea, I try to minimize things that might cause it, but I've yet to figure out a real trigger for what does it.

I have IBS too. It waxes and wanes depending on my stress levels, regardless of coping with the stress. I eat yogurt on an almost-daily basis and that seems to help, as does a high-fiber diet. But even so, some months it seems like I've gone through a cycle of either explosive diarrhea or constipation. I carry wet wipes with me at all times (Wet Ones Fresh'n'Flush, highly recommended) because I will inevitably have a loose bowel movement somewhere that isn't my home. I got over the fear of pooping in public toilets a long time ago. The IBS also sometimes keeps me home sick; some professors (my stats prof) really don't like it when you get up 10 times during a lecture. That is when it is really inconvenient and I will take a loperamide, though that usually just leads to the constipation side of the cycle. Ugh. But yes, I know every bathroom on campus intimately, it seems.

And ng, thanks for the info about dumping syndrome. It's interesting to see it's connected with hypoglycemia, as I'm hypoglycemic too. THAT one is really fun, though it only rears its head on days when I am not careful about eating regularly. I get super cranky and stupid. I try to carry a snack with me everywhere so it doesn't happen, but there are sometimes when I am caught without a snack. :(

Tesla 11-03-2009 09:03 AM

Oh man...From now on, I will thank God for having my body functioning properly...Or I won't but that wasn't the point.

lostgirl 11-03-2009 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZombieSquirrel (Post 2724455)
My period will either show up days early or days later just to coincide with my vacation. It's inevitable. I have learned to always pack tampons and Midol. My girlie bits hate me.

This happens to me all the time. I still didn't learn to go prepared when I went to Spain, because it was supposedly a few weeks away.

Lasereth 11-03-2009 12:12 PM

My body attempts to get rid of all turd in my system when I'm nervous, ahead of schedule. It forces it out and it makes me go to the bathroom (or feel like I have to) about 2 hours before the event. When the event is over, the urge is totally gone, even if I had to shit beforehand.


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