Sibling problem - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Zeraph · 06-29-2006, 02:40 PM

I have the unfortunate position that I am the only technical savvy person in my immediate family. This leads me to doing many projects for them. The problem comes from telling the difference from when they are being lazy and guilt tripping me into doing it for them, and when they genuinely need help. My sister is the problem in particular. She is slightly younger than me, but acts like she is way younger than me. She still basically throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way and treats me like crap. I could ignore her but our mother of course cannot. Can you see were this is going?

So the problem is my sister was trying to install a ceiling fan, she tried in one session (hour or so), ran up against a problem, and had an emotional fit. She refuses to work on it anymore, even though I fixed the problem (an aligning problem with a screw). So now my mom is trying to get me to do it for her (install the rest of the fan, even though my sister has it in her ability to do it) because she doesn’t like seeing my sister like this. If I don’t help, my mom will call in a professional to install it which costs around $100. I personally hate spending money for things we can do ourselves, and that amount of money would be somewhat expensive for my family. But I feel if I do it for her, which I don’t like doing for many reasons only one being the way my sister treats me, sister will continue this pattern of giving up at the first obstacle and getting someone else to do it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I don’t do it I feel guilty for not acquiescing my mom’s plea, and the money it will cost her (my sister won't end up paying for it), but if I do do it, I feel crappy because I’m helping someone I don’t want to and possibly continuing her bad habit.

Any advice?

liquidlight · 06-29-2006, 02:49 PM

The only true solution is agree to do it but require that the sister be present, the rather than you installing the fan teach her what she needed to know to overcome it in the first place. You might want to clear it with Mom, but I'd say insisting that the sister maintain responsibility for the project would be essential to you not getting shafted on this one.

Carno · 06-30-2006, 04:32 AM

Tell your sister to fuck off.

Then tell your mom not to be a doofus.

lurkette · 06-30-2006, 05:42 AM

I agree with liquidlight - show your sister how to do it. Talk her through it. If she gets upset, help her calm down and start over. She'll get a great sense of accomplishment from it, and you'll help stop a nasty behavioral pattern.

Just curious, how old is your sister?

Gilda · 06-30-2006, 06:13 AM

I agree with liquidlight also. Talk her through it. That way you both get what you need. She gets her fan installed, and you get to ensure that it gets done without paying someone and she learns that she doesn't get out of the work when you help.

Furthermore, I'd suggest you make this the common method of doing things--require the presense and participation of the person for whom the work is being done.

It's a fairly basic teaching technique. The person helping is hands off the actual work unless absolutely necessary to demonstrate a technique.

Gilda

Mantus · 06-30-2006, 06:22 AM

Learn to draw the line Zeraph. You gota say "no" now and then. Especially if you have better things to do. Otherwise, being a giving, helpful person is pretty cool. Just learn to do it on your terms.

raeanna74 · 06-30-2006, 01:08 PM

The advice the others gave is excellent.

I just wanted to add. If while you are talking her through it, if she throws another tantrum at a frustration then you can use the situation to set the groundwork for future problems.

Tell you mother beforehand that you will fix this WITH your sister's help but that you will not encourage your sisters tantrums any longer by finishing what she gets frustrated at.

If your sister throws a tantrum while you are working on the fan with her, calmly tell her that if she will not calm down and continue working on it with you that you will not help her with any more of her problems. Tell her that tantrums are not a mature way to handle things and that if she will not control them, then you will not work with her.

Then, if it does happen again, let Mom foot the bill. MOM really has to be the one to enforce this for the lessons to be effective. If she has to keep paying for stuff then she'll get sick of it eventually and start refusing to help with this either.

Zeraph · 06-30-2006, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raeanna74

Then, if it does happen again, let Mom foot the bill. MOM really has to be the one to enforce this for the lessons to be effective. If she has to keep paying for stuff then she'll get sick of it eventually and start refusing to help with this either.

I agree, but I know she won't get sick of it eventually. My mom's side of the family is all like that, they'll support you until they're poor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

Just curious, how old is your sister?

19.

Thanks for all the advice, easier said than done, however. She said she won't go near it again. I'll give it a try (make her help me when I do it) but I won't have an update for awhile, going camping for the 4th of july weekend.

Willravel · 06-30-2006, 01:56 PM

Zeraph, I like your avatar.

Here is what I would do in your shoes:
Talk to your mom about being passive and allowing your little sister to control her through unhealthy and childish tantrums. It's important that mom, the authority figure in the house, is not under your sister's thumb - espically if she acts like a little girl. Every time someone caves to your sister, it's like they are telling her that her behavior is acceptable (which it obviously isn't). I, personally, cannot stand tantrums, and do not tollerate them from anyone. You should do the same. I suspect that the ceiling fan is just the latest in a long line of tantrum triggers. It's time for her bad behavior to stop.

If she want's to put the thing up, then let her do it or let it stay down. If she needs help, let her ask you herself, instead of yelling and such. If I am to help someone with anything, all they have to do is ask nicely. A 19 year old woman should have the maturity to do what she can herself, and ask for help with respect when she needs it.

I was already engaged to be married and was paying my way through college at 19 (and was married one year later).

Enjoy your 4th of July weekend.

raeanna74 · 06-30-2006, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zeraph

I agree, but I know she won't get sick of it eventually. My mom's side of the family is all like that, they'll support you until they're poor...

This story sounds all too familiar. My brother had his tantrums quite a lot when he was 19. Not saying it was the age. But Mom and Dad put up with it till he broke 3 of Dad's ribs and sprained Mom's ankle. Then after that blew over they put up with it all over again.
I'm not saying your sis will do those things but sometimes the parents are just so stuck in their ways there's nothing you can do to change it.

My parents will support my brother financially even when they're on the verge of bankruptsy. They are now. He's living in a house of their's for basically nothing. He and his mooching wife. He's 25yrs old now btw. When we need a couple bucks for milk we have to give a complete account of our past spending habits. It's irsome. I've just gotten to the point where I know I'm on my own and taking care of myself. I cannot expect any help from them. I KNOW that they'll help him and facilitate his behavior indefinately and there's nothing I can do about it.

I finally asked them to stop calling and telling me about the trouble my brother was making. That I couldn't help and didn't want to stress over it so I did not want to even know. They at least understood that and let me alone.

You'll probably just have to turn a blind eye to it all if your situation is what it sounds like. Good Luck.

Sultana · 07-01-2006, 09:35 AM

Zeraph, I understand your situation, and how you are trying to make it better. However, by continuing on this path of rescuing your mom, and not insisting on certain standards of behavior from your sister, you are enabling the situation.

I used to be the queen of enabling. I know whereof I speak.

You have to set your boundries (raeanna74 has *superb* input there), and *you* have to enforce them. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself in this situation, and you cannot control anyone but yourself.

If you don't make a stand, you will be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life.

Personally, I'd fix the fan while your sister helps, and charge your mom $75. Cash. In advance. It's a win-win-win situation.

oracle2380 · 07-02-2006, 02:15 PM

I had (have) the same problem growing up as 1.the only male and 2.the only person that knew one end of a screwdriver from the other in the house, so I feel your pain on this. First question do you still live at home? Second have you explained to your sister that you or someone else won't always be there to help her with these things? If you answered yes to the first question, get out of there, you're only aiding their dependence on you. At some point you have to let them fail. Not to make you look better, but because failure is the ultimate teacher. It's like my dad likes to say "I don't make mistakes, I just provide myself with multiple learning opportunities on a daily basis".

It seems like your sister is dependant on situations such as this to get attention from your mother, and mainly from you. You need to sit down and talk with her. Seems like she 'needs' to have you around to help her, but you have to ween her of this dependence.

Plaid13 · 07-02-2006, 05:33 PM

get your sister to help with stuff like that and make sure she does at least as much work as you. if she starts to throw a tantrum and act like a child treat her like a child. tell her she wont get any ice cream if she dosnt calm down and act like a adult.

Or agree to do it all for her if and only if she does something for you that sucks just as bad if not more to do. Maybe do some cleaning and yardwork. something simple that anyone can do and noone wants to do. toilets need to be cleaned maybe? Wash your car? bound to be something you dont feel like doing yourself.

Toaster126 · 07-03-2006, 05:36 AM

Step number one of "how to not be a doormat" is to stop letting people walk all over you. She's 19. Tell her to do it, and if she wants to play the dumb card, say you'll supervise her. Then you can stand and watch, verbally giving any advice she needs. Don't touch anything, though.

guthmund · 07-03-2006, 07:39 AM

My sister is much the same way and for many years I played the part of dutiful brother and it never...never stopped. I was constantly expected to drop everything and do everything in an attempt to fix her mess. It was irritating to say the least and it didn't stop until I made the decision to stop it. Your mother, like mine, will eventually get tired of it as well. Even quicker once she has to bear the brunt of your sister's tantrums entirely.

I guess to sum up...I'd offer to help, but I wouldn't do it for her and I certainly wouldn't do it out of guilt for my mother.

Supple Cow · 07-09-2006, 09:42 PM

Hmm, so it hasn't worked so far? Sounds to me like you need to give Carno's advice a try.

analog · 07-10-2006, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carno

Tell your sister to fuck off.

Then tell your mom not to be a doofus.

Like Supple said, Carno has the idea.

06-29-2006, 02:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Sibling problem I have the unfortunate position that I am the only technical savvy person in my immediate family. This leads me to doing many projects for them. The problem comes from telling the difference from when they are being lazy and guilt tripping me into doing it for them, and when they genuinely need help. My sister is the problem in particular. She is slightly younger than me, but acts like she is way younger than me. She still basically throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way and treats me like crap. I could ignore her but our mother of course cannot. Can you see were this is going? So the problem is my sister was trying to install a ceiling fan, she tried in one session (hour or so), ran up against a problem, and had an emotional fit. She refuses to work on it anymore, even though I fixed the problem (an aligning problem with a screw). So now my mom is trying to get me to do it for her (install the rest of the fan, even though my sister has it in her ability to do it) because she doesn’t like seeing my sister like this. If I don’t help, my mom will call in a professional to install it which costs around $100. I personally hate spending money for things we can do ourselves, and that amount of money would be somewhat expensive for my family. But I feel if I do it for her, which I don’t like doing for many reasons only one being the way my sister treats me, sister will continue this pattern of giving up at the first obstacle and getting someone else to do it. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I don’t do it I feel guilty for not acquiescing my mom’s plea, and the money it will cost her (my sister won't end up paying for it), but if I do do it, I feel crappy because I’m helping someone I don’t want to and possibly continuing her bad habit. Any advice?

06-29-2006, 02:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
liquidlight AHH! Custom Title!! Location: The twisted warpings of my brain.	The only true solution is agree to do it but require that the sister be present, the rather than you installing the fan teach her what she needed to know to overcome it in the first place. You might want to clear it with Mom, but I'd say insisting that the sister maintain responsibility for the project would be essential to you not getting shafted on this one. __________________ Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

06-30-2006, 04:32 AM	#3 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	Tell your sister to fuck off. Then tell your mom not to be a doofus. __________________ http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

06-30-2006, 05:42 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I agree with liquidlight - show your sister how to do it. Talk her through it. If she gets upset, help her calm down and start over. She'll get a great sense of accomplishment from it, and you'll help stop a nasty behavioral pattern. Just curious, how old is your sister? __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

06-30-2006, 01:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	The advice the others gave is excellent. I just wanted to add. If while you are talking her through it, if she throws another tantrum at a frustration then you can use the situation to set the groundwork for future problems. Tell you mother beforehand that you will fix this WITH your sister's help but that you will not encourage your sisters tantrums any longer by finishing what she gets frustrated at. If your sister throws a tantrum while you are working on the fan with her, calmly tell her that if she will not calm down and continue working on it with you that you will not help her with any more of her problems. Tell her that tantrums are not a mature way to handle things and that if she will not control them, then you will not work with her. Then, if it does happen again, let Mom foot the bill. MOM really has to be the one to enforce this for the lessons to be effective. If she has to keep paying for stuff then she'll get sick of it eventually and start refusing to help with this either. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

06-30-2006, 06:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	I agree with liquidlight also. Talk her through it. That way you both get what you need. She gets her fan installed, and you get to ensure that it gets done without paying someone and she learns that she doesn't get out of the work when you help. Furthermore, I'd suggest you make this the common method of doing things--require the presense and participation of the person for whom the work is being done. It's a fairly basic teaching technique. The person helping is hands off the actual work unless absolutely necessary to demonstrate a technique. Gilda

06-30-2006, 06:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Learn to draw the line Zeraph. You gota say "no" now and then. Especially if you have better things to do. Otherwise, being a giving, helpful person is pretty cool. Just learn to do it on your terms.

06-30-2006, 01:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Zeraph, I like your avatar. Here is what I would do in your shoes: Talk to your mom about being passive and allowing your little sister to control her through unhealthy and childish tantrums. It's important that mom, the authority figure in the house, is not under your sister's thumb - espically if she acts like a little girl. Every time someone caves to your sister, it's like they are telling her that her behavior is acceptable (which it obviously isn't). I, personally, cannot stand tantrums, and do not tollerate them from anyone. You should do the same. I suspect that the ceiling fan is just the latest in a long line of tantrum triggers. It's time for her bad behavior to stop. If she want's to put the thing up, then let her do it or let it stay down. If she needs help, let her ask you herself, instead of yelling and such. If I am to help someone with anything, all they have to do is ask nicely. A 19 year old woman should have the maturity to do what she can herself, and ask for help with respect when she needs it. I was already engaged to be married and was paying my way through college at 19 (and was married one year later). Enjoy your 4th of July weekend.

07-01-2006, 09:35 AM	#11 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Zeraph, I understand your situation, and how you are trying to make it better. However, by continuing on this path of rescuing your mom, and not insisting on certain standards of behavior from your sister, you are enabling the situation. I used to be the queen of enabling. I know whereof I speak. You have to set your boundries (raeanna74 has superb input there), and you have to enforce them. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself in this situation, and you cannot control anyone but yourself. If you don't make a stand, you will be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life. Personally, I'd fix the fan while your sister helps, and charge your mom $75. Cash. In advance. It's a win-win-win situation. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

07-02-2006, 02:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
oracle2380 Upright Location: Up in Washington watching the puddles grow.	I had (have) the same problem growing up as 1.the only male and 2.the only person that knew one end of a screwdriver from the other in the house, so I feel your pain on this. First question do you still live at home? Second have you explained to your sister that you or someone else won't always be there to help her with these things? If you answered yes to the first question, get out of there, you're only aiding their dependence on you. At some point you have to let them fail. Not to make you look better, but because failure is the ultimate teacher. It's like my dad likes to say "I don't make mistakes, I just provide myself with multiple learning opportunities on a daily basis". It seems like your sister is dependant on situations such as this to get attention from your mother, and mainly from you. You need to sit down and talk with her. Seems like she 'needs' to have you around to help her, but you have to ween her of this dependence. __________________ "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

07-02-2006, 05:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
Plaid13 I want a Plaid crayon	get your sister to help with stuff like that and make sure she does at least as much work as you. if she starts to throw a tantrum and act like a child treat her like a child. tell her she wont get any ice cream if she dosnt calm down and act like a adult. Or agree to do it all for her if and only if she does something for you that sucks just as bad if not more to do. Maybe do some cleaning and yardwork. something simple that anyone can do and noone wants to do. toilets need to be cleaned maybe? Wash your car? bound to be something you dont feel like doing yourself.

07-03-2006, 05:36 AM	#14 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	Step number one of "how to not be a doormat" is to stop letting people walk all over you. She's 19. Tell her to do it, and if she wants to play the dumb card, say you'll supervise her. Then you can stand and watch, verbally giving any advice she needs. Don't touch anything, though. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

07-03-2006, 07:39 AM	#15 (permalink)
guthmund big damn hero	My sister is much the same way and for many years I played the part of dutiful brother and it never...never stopped. I was constantly expected to drop everything and do everything in an attempt to fix her mess. It was irritating to say the least and it didn't stop until I made the decision to stop it. Your mother, like mine, will eventually get tired of it as well. Even quicker once she has to bear the brunt of your sister's tantrums entirely. I guess to sum up...I'd offer to help, but I wouldn't do it for her and I certainly wouldn't do it out of guilt for my mother. __________________ No signature. None. Seriously.

07-09-2006, 09:42 PM	#16 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	Hmm, so it hasn't worked so far? Sounds to me like you need to give Carno's advice a try. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)