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02-12-2004, 01:17 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: northamptonshire
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Why We Love Children
For parents and grandparents everywhere!
Hope it is not a repost- have seen some before but the collection is good 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT?!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron." 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, darling, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom?" 7 A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the Year 1 teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." 
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Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila. [/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE] |
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02-12-2004, 06:15 AM
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#4 (permalink) |
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She's Actual Size
Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell
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That was a nice way to wake up this morning...thanks 
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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world." "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" |
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02-12-2004, 07:52 AM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: At my daughter's beck and call.
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Thank you, laughter is the best medicine!!
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Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state. -Noam Chomsky Love is a verb, not a noun. -My Mom The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later. -Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928 |
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02-12-2004, 09:08 AM
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#6 (permalink) |
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We can't stop here! This is bat country!
Location: SL,UT
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good ones.
thnx
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Brian: “Ok, all we’ve gotta do is find the American Embassy, and they’ll help us get home” Stewie: “Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman, that fat slob, and that insufferable dog… Oh, you’re right here aren’t you? Oh well, I stand by it." |
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02-17-2004, 06:22 PM
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#18 (permalink) |
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My own person -- his by choice
Location: Lebell's arms
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Many of these are "old" for me -- but many are new too. I love number 3. Children are always making me laugh. And don't even begin to think they didn't or couldn't say these things -- they think WAY outside the box.
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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection. |
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05-05-2004, 05:38 PM
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#20 (permalink) |
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Like John Goodman, but not.
Location: SFBA, California
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I feel obligated by this thread to recount the incident where I was getting a haircut in a two man barbershop, with a guy in his forties getting a haircut next to me, and his daughter in a lawn chair they had set up for people waiting. He was telling her something or other and said "If you don't eat your peas, you'll grow hair on your back." She said "But daddy, you already have hair on your back."
That was a fantastic haircut day. |
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05-06-2004, 02:23 PM
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#22 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: Chicago
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True story:
I teach 4th grade and every day in social studies we spend the first 10 minutes with geography. I want my students to know how to read maps and be able to locate where things are in the world. As part of this, we also play Around the World with state and national capitals. The rules are simple, I name a state or country and they respond as quickly as they can with its capital. After going through all the states for about a week, it was time to move on to other countries. The first country I used was Brazil. One of the girls shouted out quickly "B!"
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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses |
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05-13-2004, 10:12 AM
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#28 (permalink) | |
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Crazy
Location: Central Illinois
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Quote:
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Your part is silent you little toad - a line from the new phantom of the opera |
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| Tags |
| children, love |
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