W. C. Fields quotes
 

Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.
- W.C. Fields, when asked if he believed in clubs for women

When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
- W.C. Fields, on being invited to play golf with someone he didn't like

Fried!
- W.C. Fields, when asked, "How do you like children?"

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
- W.C. Fields, in a restaurant to waitress

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
- W.C. Fields' epitaph

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
- W.C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
- W.C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
- W.C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W.C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- W.C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
- W.C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- W.C. Fields

I was married once, in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
- W.C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
- W.C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
- W.C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
- W.C. Fields

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
- W.C. Fields

My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.
- W.C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
- W.C. Fields

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- W.C. Fields

Funny guy this W.C. Fields.

Wow! I'm thrilled and surprised to see someone breaking into the history books for W.C. Fields.

I always thought he was brilliant and pleasantly risque for his time.

You definately picked some of his best.

yes, yes he was... my son does a very good impression of his classic grimmice

hehehe. thanks

i dont know this guy... ... ... ... :|

thanks for the great jokes..wc had some great quotes

I don't know how I managed to leave off my own favorite W.C. Fields quote from my own post.....



"I never drink water. Fish fuck in it."

What a Man

From memory:

"I talk to myself for two reasons; I like to talk to an intelligent person, and I like to hear an intelligent person speak. Yaaaas."

- W.C. Fields

W.C. Fields was a professional drowner as a kid. He would pretend to drown and a large crowd of people would gather before he miraculously survived. Concession stands even began to show up serving hot dogs and snacks to the crowd - he worked out a deal with them to get a cut of the profits.

not bad

thanks for the quotes dude, there were some i hadn't seen before too:)