Alternate Verbiage
 

THE WASHINGTON POST HAS PUBLISHED THE WINNING SUBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST, IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS. AND THE WINNERS ARE:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Sir, I thank you for your mighty fine post.
Frickin' great.

Hehehehe. Highly enjoyable list you have there.

Like puns, but in reverse.

I don't know why I had to laugh particularly at 5, 9 14 and 16.