Aussie/Kiwi Jokes
 

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Oh, that's good....*round of applause*

*golf clap*

The classics....

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

Loved that one - believe it or not I've never heard it before.

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

cchris, PMSL!

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Biggest joke ever - The Wallabies!!!

;)

Gah, that's the best I can do, seriously :(

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

:lol:

These jokes are bloody hilarious!!

Great joke slimshaydee!

There are 3 Kiwis in a bar, the 1st one walks up to an Aussie and says, "John Eales is gay."
The Aussie says, "yeah thats nice."
The 2nd one walks up to him and says, "John Eales roots sheep."
The Aussie replies, "yeah thats nice."
At last the 3rd one walks up to him and says, "John Eales is a kiwi."
The Aussie turns around and says, "yeah I think that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

Q. What do you call 15 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The All Blacks

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

Aussie unleash "New game plan".


http://www.drummoynerugby.com.au/att...gby_joke_2.jpg

I love it, Chris!

lol, these are pretty good, most of them are interchangable with kiwi/aussie however

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that fucking Kiwi in the head again."

hahahahaha I love it MeNdI... hahahahahahaha

Nice one, MeNdI!

MeNdI that last one is classic. actually laughed out loud at it.

nice work :)

oh and also giggled at the first joke too

Why aren't there any Kiwis on Star Trek?


They don't work in the future either.

An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

Did you hear about the kiwi that walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?

The barman says " Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?

The pig reply's " Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the bastards "

What do kiwi's & sperm have in common?

Only one in every 50,000 that comes out works. LOL

What are the hardest 3 years of a kiwi's life?

Second grade: LOL

You're officially my favourite poster whiteox :lol:

A pregnant Aussie and a pregnant kiwi are sitting on a park bench knitting jumpers for there unborn babies, the Aussie says to the Kiwi lass
"I hope mines a boy, cause I'm using blue wool" the Kiwi has a think about it and a few minutes laters says,
"Hope mines retarded, I just fucked up the arms."

What are Tasmanians?

Proof that kiwi's can swim. :lol: :lol: :lol:

I know not a kiwi joke but, (sorry you tassie's out there)
A Tasmanian couple are on there honeymoon and are about to consumate the marriage when the bride says to her husband,
"Can you please be gentle? I'm still a virgin"
The man quickly gets up to call his dad
"Dad she's a virgin, I don't know what to do" he says.
Angered by this the dad replies,
"If she's not good enough for her family then she ain't good enough for ours"

Nice one, mate. :thumbsup:

An ozzie bloke married a swt young kiwi girl who was still a virgin, on their wedding nite the ozzie was suprised to find out that she was still a virgin upon learning this he started to cry and quicky ran out the door and fled home to mum and dad, when he arrivied his parents asked what happen ? he informed them what had happen, dad replyed " well son if she not good enough for her own family then she not good enough of ours"

what do kiwi do with all the sleep they make love ?



send them to ozzie supermarkets

Dude.. look up 2 posts and you'll see the same joke.

Are you seriously insinuating that one must read the previous posts in a thread before jumping in feet first? You loco.

you're on bought time ya bastard.

What do you call a kiwi sheep dog?
A: A pimp.

Why do kiwis end up marrying women?
A: Sheep can't cook.


Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a tarred road.
A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?"

Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

These are fantastic!!