The Ultimate Conspiracy
 

"They're coming to take me away..."

That my pores were wormholes to paradise.

"And god said to himself, "I must somehow make sex "dirty"""

Drug companies make people sick in order to make money off of suppressing the subsequent symptoms....

Everybody knows that!

In order to maintain a permanent state of agitation in a populace, certain countries allow liquor to be sold cheaper than milk---because there exists no such brew that compliments corn flakes and sugar as does milk.

what, no tinfoil hat salesmen?

My hat is lined with tinfoil, and I'm sure it was an accidental thoughtform that did it. That, or all those Cokes.

We relieve our symptoms by making stuff up. I meant it without the 'lie' in the middle. Conspiracies are (apparently) part of our nature.

IT WILL BE ALRIGHT.

That was simply beautiful.

tin foil hat, my ass...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...tinfoilass.jpg

the tin foil thong is just....so, so wrong

No shit.

I am with pirates.

that wasn't really MY ass...

LIES! CONSPIRACY! LIES! CALAMITY AND WOE!
But how do you protect against government's invasive radio waves invading your butt... or would it make their radio butt invading more effective...

amplitude as excessory fashion.

and i have the corner on modulating frequency...

1 And the LORD did come unto Adam, and said unto him, "So, Man who I have made, likest thou the hot little number I whipped up to amuse thee? Worth losing a rib?"

2 And Adam did grin, sheepishly.

3 Therefore did the LORD continue, "Rouse, then, her, and come before me to stand, for there is wisdom I would impart unto you."

4 And Adam spake, "Sure, thing, Pop. Back in a jiffy." And disappeared into a nearby thicket, presently to return with Woman.

5 And they stood before the LORD, without a stitch of clothing unto them.

6 And the LORD spake, "Man, woman, I want you to know that you have been made in my image."

7 And Adam piped up, "We know this, Dad."

8 "Made your ears right, then, I did," huffed the LORD, "But, well, you should know there are parts of us that are dirty."

Here endeth the lesson.

Pirates? What is that, some sort of Japanese Isometrics?

The current "Health Consciousness" phase of society - declaring good food to be unhealthy (they actually mean unhealthful, but these aren't smart people), smoking and alcohol and drugs dangers to self and society, Constant exercize, decrying obesity and loss of moral values, claiming that avoidance of the "bad" and adherance to the "good" adds years to life?

This is a boondoggle.

What good life if all that's worthwhile will end it? If you're too busy with your bowflex and stairmaster to do anything (or indeed, taste the lawn clippings on your calorically inert salad - I swear by Dog and all that is hairy my wife sends me out to the store to buy a box of common weeds for 8 bucks a pound that she would find in the nearest meadow for free if she would get off the excercycle and take a walk)?

And they never ever let on that the extra years you rack up come at the end. Folks, I spent enough of my time getting out of diapers that I'd like to minimize the amount of time I spend back in them. Regardless, you won't live forever, but better to go out longing for more than feel like you have lived forever.

It is a conspiracy, then; they are sucking the juice out of life for reasons unknown, and that is more frightening than any spawn of Shub-niggurath.

Fnord/ Repeat to yourself: Vegetables are not food. Vegetables are what food eats. Start fighting it.

and the beat goes on...

"with pirates" (con) = with... piracy..nevermind!

drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain...

I think I need a nice steak.
That, or some brains.

Where are the conspirators?

TFP sensors their posts... it's a conspiracy!

Up here in space I'm looking down on you.
My lasers trace everything you do.
You think youve private lives. Think nothing of the kind.
There is no true escape. I'm watching all the time.
I'm made of metal. My circuits gleam.
I am perpetual. I keep the country clean.
I'm elected electric spy. I'm protected electric eye
Always in focus. You can't feel my stare.
I zoom into you. You don't know I'm there.
I take a pride in probing all your secret moves.
My tearless retina takes pictures that can prove.
I'm made of metal. My circuits gleam.
I am perpetual. I keep the country clean.
I'm elected electric spy. I'm protected electric eye.
Electric eye, in the sky. Feel my stare, always there.
There's nothing you can do about it. Develop and expose.
I feed upon your every thought, and so my power grows.
I'm made of metal. My circuits gleam.
I am perpetual. I keep the country clean.
I'm elected electric spy. I'm protected electric eye.
Protected, detective, electric eye.

/ Rob Halford knows something you don't.
/ No, no, other than that.

sensors...are those the little things that get stuck on your head with wires coming out?

What is wrong with my tynfoyl?

They're watching the detective. (It's so cute.)

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

The future isn't waiting for us. It's coming.

Damn universal conspirators.

who? i'll tell ya who...the freakin' bean counters, that's who...

Frankly, Phil, I am a card carrying bean counter, and no one have ever invited me to the Elders of Zion meetings, though I did get a call on 9/11 to make sure I didn't go to the Pentagon. Came from a KFC of all things. Herbs and spices ain't the only secret they have, let me tell you.

Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face- "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

Wake up people! Coke and Pepsi are the same thing!

*I must admit this is shamelessly stolen from the Simpsons.

when all else fails, the colonel is your friend...

It's a fiendish plot by the Pentavirate: The Rothschildes, The Gettys, The Queen, the Vatican, and the Colonel.

Excellent! You know of their organization, too!

The five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, whom run everything in the world, including the newspapers and the TFP, meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as "The Meadows." They are: the Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders (before he went tits up).

Everyone is out to love me dammit.

Of course, they're just a front for the Bavarian Illuminati. French Canadian Bean Soup. Those bastards are trying to immanentize the eschaton!

You see how well the cover works?

What you don't know is that George Washington was Assassinated in the late 1770's and a Bavarian yclept Adam Weishaupt, his virtual twin, replaced him. Kennedy? Assassinated on his way to their American headquarters under Dealy Plaza, just before he could blow the lid off of them. It's no accident how many of the presidents since the have from that neck of the woods. This whole Iraq thing is just an excuse to get boots on the ground in time so that when the second Temple is raised, we'll be in position to interdict the Persians and flank the Arabians, leaving it to the Egyptians to bring the Eye of Amon against the Ark of the Covenent (The reason Turkey hasn't been admitted to Nato? Everyone know they have the Ark, but they won't fess up. The Kurds are going to get the their homeland just as soon....

Hold on a second...

Another black helicopter....

.... As they steal it from the Turks.) And the Whole Sinophobic thing going on? Madness. We've been cozy with China ever since we made a Deal with Mao to have Stillwell shut down Chiang's drive on Manchuria. And they have sat on the Plateau of Leng ever since, keeping the Priest in Yellow underground and out of the way until it's time to...

OK, that's one hell of a nice suit you have there, buddy. I didn't know they made black that, well, black.

Hmm. Certainly, I'd love one.

Y'all can just go ahead and ignore all of the foregoing. Just pulling your leg. Of course.

Be seeing you around. Some of you.

You know, that whole fluoride thing for mind control? Doesn't work. You have to combine fluoride, high fructose corn syrup, and an AM radio receiver to truly influence the mind. This is why Rush Limbaugh hasn't been laughed off the face of the earth.

Yet.

I'm starting to become suspicious as to why this thread has reached two pages...

TELL ME WHO YOU WORK FOR!

I got to tell you 4 in the morning is blowing my mind.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/148

Press one for English, two for Spanish, three for Blood.

Lightbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.

Oh..good one! good one! good one!

flattery is now available in a hairsray..don't tell.

i will control all the guns...

The NRA is vehemently against the handgun ban in DC because they know something you don't: 3 out of 10 hand guns are actually members of an advanced mineral based race that has been subverted by the heirs of the Nazis who escaped to inner earth through the Symmes hole under the Icecap in a large submarine full of the German Gold reserve in 1945. As soon as it reaches 6 in 10 they are going to take over the whitehouse by installing a rabid conservative who will make gun ownership mandatory. He will continue Bush's policy of invading the Arab Neighbors of Israel until the tunnel from Inner Earth to Petra is complete, and the Nazis come back to take another crack at it. Bad as what is planned for Israel, what's in line for Manhattan is worse. "I am Legend"? Precognitive Documentary.

shit, i've got one of them too...9mm...made in 1917...holster has an embossed swastika and the official number...

Who's your buddy? Loyal to the End?
Serve the Computer. The Computer is your friend.
The Computer is happy. The Computer is crazy. The Computer wants you to be happy. This will drive you crazy.
Happiness is Mandatory. If you are not happy, you may be used as reactor shielding.

two legs better than four...

The ultimate conspiracy?

It's gotta be FireBear.

this one?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=firebear

what are you, wild?

This one:
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c3.../FireBear1.jpg