How to develop self-confidence
 

I've on anti-depressants and HRT therapy and beginning to at least not dread the mere thought of waking up every day . However I'm still stuck with/dealing with feelings of being old, ugly and worthless .I try to avoid others during my lowest times , including my SO as I don't want to bum him or anybody else out.

I've felt like worthless old trash for so long that I don't know how to even begin to feel differently .I try to remind myself that I'm a very kind person and quite loyal, that I'm a hard worker etc but somehow those things mean nothing during the low times.

Has anybody else struggled with this ?

Yeah, I have struggled with some feelings like this. Find something that you're interested, and do it for yourself. It may be just an interest you have or a hobby that you can do on your own, or join a club, find a new group of friends, etc. Maybe even reconnect with some old ones:) You just need to do something to give yourself a sense of worth by proving that you can be happy with you, you don't need anyone else to approve.

I have struggled with this, as well. My sister and I (who were both brutally abused as children) grew up with no self-worth or self-confidence; however, we both found that continuing to reassure ourselves that we are happy worked. It's kinda like the saying that if you think sad and feel sad, you'll be sad. But if you think happy and feel happy, you'll be happy.

Instead of pondering your depression all the time, think up new ways to spend your time. Take up a fun hobby, like sillygirl said. And don't forget to give yourself a hug everyday. :)

I hit a low recently. I feel as though I'm coming back outa though even though I've not lost any weight. (In fact I gained 4 lbs last week without eating more than 1000 cal a day average - no that frustrating.) I just recently quit taking the pill, had multiple surgeries this year, gained weight, and my body has changed a LOT. We shouldn't be dependant on other's for our self esteem but a loved one can do a LOT for it. Hubby has been a really great cheering squad for me. If you've got someone who cares for you like that, don't be afraid to vent to them about how you're feeling. They can see good things that you won't notice.

Otherwise, I'm starting a Yoga class tomarrow. I'm trying to take time out for myself to get my body back on track and my mind in the right place. It's helping. I've also avoided looking in the mirror all that much. I find myself wanting to get critical. Just a quick glance, no close up pimple exams, and wearing things that I know are flattering and comfortable too. Little by little I'm climbing out of that hole. But the whole time it's had to be a matter of me focusing on the good points, even when hubby tells me stuff I have to avoid saying 'but...' to myself.

Also doing my best to get enough sleep but not sleeping all day.

It is considerate of you to not want to push your worries on others. Even so, retreating isn't always the best way to get yourself out of a funk. There was a bit of time that I spent volunteering at a local elementary school in the afternoons... a sort of teacher's aide. Did incredible things for me to use my talents and patience with children in a productive way. Perhaps a similar idea would work for you. Not to say that an elementary school is a good environment for most people, but a hobby where you are able to interact with a new group of people. An art or yoga class might just do the trick. Make it a commitment of only a couple of hours, a day or two out of the week. Better if it is a no-stress environment, a zillion times better if it is in an environment where your help is much needed and appreciated. It helped a lot when the teacher of the 2nd grade class I helped out in told me at the end of every day that I was an angel and her day went better with me there. Find opportunities for the positive reinforcement that you have earned.

Uptown, first of all, I really appreciated your post. It was really refreshing, because I've noticed how in many of your posts in the past, you were feeling really negative about yourself... and maybe you still feel that way, but you are communicating about it in a very different manner. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us.

That said, I can definitely concur that I have had some serious lows, feel-like-shit for long periods of time, not valuing myself as I should (even when I know better)... believe me, I've been there. It is quite the self-made hole to get out of, once one has dug into it so far. But once you start looking up... I think just that recognition of a way out is enough to lift you a little bit each day. And it seems you are beginning to look up. At this point, I wouldn't hope for too much change in a short time... just try to hold on to one or two positive thoughts each day, if you can. And if you hit some real bad lows... well, let them be lows, ride them out... and wake up the next morning and remind yourself of what you're worth (a lot!).

Can you find a friend or co-worker whom you trust, to ask to work with you on the situation?... I know things with your SO aren't that great (from your previous posts), but is there someone safe that you can ask for help and positive feedback? Having even one person who can look at you each day and say, "Snap out of it, you're an amazing individual!" is sooo helpful.

And, of course, come to the TFP for support and hugs. :)

Hey there,
I totally know what you're going through. It's something I struggle with every day. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, so that takes it's toll as well. The nightly reminder that "hey, there's something wrong with me, that's why I'm on this." I've started a journal, and I say one good thing about myself every day. I've also made a list of things I want to improve on and how I think I can do it. Then I write down how I made the effort to improve on them. For me, my issue is eye contact with people... the other day I made eye contact and smiled at a guy at school, he almost tripped down the stairs!

I've also learned that it's so important to have time for yourself. JUST yourself. Not where you have to think about someone else or other people. When I go to the gym I put on my headphones and ignore everyone during my work out. I only have to think about getting a better cardio heart rate, or getting in the zone faster, or making my set a few seconds faster. I've found working out helps with my self-image as well as helping with my depression and anxiety.

Have or do something for you, every day. That makes you feel fantastic. Mine is my nostril piercing, I wake up and see it and go "wow, I'm so glad I did this for myself. It looks great!"

Shit yeah, I've had to deal with feelings of utter self-loathing and failure and just wishing I had a "reset" button on life. I did a lot of cognitive behavior therapy to get rid of some destructive thought patterns that were just old habits, and paxil helped as well. Exercise helps, as does doing things to take care of yourself.

In the end, remember that the thoughts in your head are just thoughts. They have no basis in reality, no matter how much "evidence" you have that they are true. You have a divine spark and it's only a matter of time until you are able to see it - you're on the right road, but don't forget to do the things that make you feel good, and try to find someone you can lean on without feeling guilty.

Uptown. You got some great advice from these lovely ladies. I think everyone has had the blues and felt down at times. I know that I went through a major depression and felt the same way you do about my SO. I didn't want my depression to affect jj and I tried to avoid him. However, he was my biggest support and one of the reasons I made it through the rough times. He pushed me to get the exercise I needed and refused to let me wallow in my sorrow. Sometimes you need someone around to give you a swift kick in the ass, although you may be very angry at the time, it is the main reason I got out of it.

It is a tough road and you have to find the answers within yourself. A really good, although cheesy as hell book, is Peace is in Every Step. I laughed at the pages and thought it was really stupid, but it helped me a lot. Also therapy is great because you can vent and cry to someone who is not involved in your life. An outside opinion is a great way to put things in perspective.

Good luck and know that better times are just around the corner. With some dedication and hard-work, you can build self-confidence and learn to really like yourself. It just takes time.

sometimes its best to rely on your network of friends and loved ones not necessaritly to make you happy, but get you somewhere where you can manage that. Anywhere but at home by yourself which makes a world of difference.

And do that too. If youre cooped up sad, go do something for yourself. Buy ice cream, go for a walk, watch the kids play at a park. Sometimes when yorue happy, make note of something that makes you smile and on a bad day, go back and find somethign that might do the trick.

Reanna has a good thougth to. Classes make your mind (and body) focus elsewhere. Take a yoga or pottery throwing class. Itll get you out and get you doing something new.

Good luck, keep us updated and let us know if you want a list of ideas. We've all been there.

I've been thinking for a long time about what to say in this thread because the self-made hole you have found yourself in is where I was not too long ago. Since then, I've realized something important: having a moment where you feel happy and confident is not an isolated occurrence. It is part of a habit, and just like any habit, you develop it simply by doing it repeatedly. Coming from where you are, this probably sounds like a big chunk of stuff to bite of for yourself. However, I tell you this as a way to give you the tools you need to help yourself get out of that hole. As a habit and not an isolated moment, living your life as a happy and confident person will require you to want it and work at it constantly. While on one hand that means a lifetime of effort, it also means that you don't have to wait. You can start doing it right now... right this second! The key is to know that you have a bad habit and that you want to replace it with a good one. Then, begin at the beginning and avoid looking for change immediately so that you don't get discouraged.

I hope you've already started, but if you haven't, now's a good time. In fact, now's the best time - the only time.

wow, I almost feel like I can't say much here because anyone who knows me personally says I am generally happy with myself, and grew up that way. But last year I became depressed because of some life events and some growing expirences, and it was all the worse because I was used to being content.

Being at the bottom of my personal well has taught me that the climb upward is murderous and exhausting. Many people don't even bother, or can't see the way up because it is that hard. It has taken me since December of 04, twelve months of really WANTING to feel better, and I have only recently found some mastery over this mysterios depressiveness.

The gals above are right. It is a massive combination of all of the above. Forcing yourself to smile, to do things you enjoy, and telling yourself over and over again that you want to be happy. That you are beautiful. That you are loved.

Alos, I found that some of my depression was bio-chemical in nature. When I sat around and was lazy I became more depressed. Yet, when I took a walk or did some chores, or did something for someone else, it was momentarily kicked. Eating healthy natural stuff and steering away from "comfort foods" also helped me.

This may or may not apply to you but my religious beleifs also were key to getting out of the well. If you are Christian I would try reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Elderdge (sp-lastname?) I sat there and saw my own hurts, ego, and depressive state laid out before me with some powerful insight into understanding why it was there and how it could be overcome.


I hope you reach the top of the well. Good Luck.