How rough do you let him get?
 

My husband and I are really close. I trust him. Sometimes we play rough and we both enjoy it.

My question is, how rough to you ladies let your BFs and husbands get with you? Do you let him "force" you? I'm talking about pleasurable rough lovemaking, not abuse.

I'll post my own answer too.

For me, there's an SM answer and a "sex" answer. I'll leave the SM for another time.

Sexually, the "edge" was about a year ago. He likes anal sex. I enjoy it sometimes if he's gentle. One night I was feeling really frisky and told him that he could have "anything he wanted". We do that sometimes. I like the scary feeling of wondering what he's going to do.

On this particular night, he had me lay face down and "took" me hard. I said "no" and tried to wriggle free. We have a safeword and I didn't use it.

It hurt, but it let it hurt and cried kicking and screaming into the pillow. I didn't enjoy the penetration or the pain, it just hurt... but... I let him do it because I knew he was enjoying his chance to "rape" me.

No, it wasn't rape. I could have stopped him at any time with one word but I didn't. I wanted to give that to him.

He actually came pretty quickly (maybe a minute or so) and as soon as it was over, he held me and cuddled with me. I think I cried for another ten or fifteen minutes as he held me.

He thanked me again and again and said that it was unbelievably good. Since then, he's told me several times that it was one of the best experiences of his life. He says that once was enough and hasn't asked for it a second time.

If he does ask again some day, I would probably let him do it again. There's just something incredibly good about giving something painful to my husband for his pleasure. I can't really describe it.

I guess, that's why I'm asking you all about your experiences. Does anyone else do stuff like that? Do you understand the feeling?

i think so, although i haven't had an experience quite like that. i enjoy the feeling of being pinned/restrained, feeling someone else's strength, and having the trust to know nothing bad will come of it, but my boyfriend hasn't ever really pushed the limits of allowable. he's been easing me towards anal recently, but he's SOOO patient, there's no rush, no pressure... I don't think HE likes being forceful, so... :shrug: I like pushing GENTLY on my boundaries, and his. But, I definately am with you about making him happy. I hope you got some kick-ass oral as payment, though ;)

We had been married for seven years and he had been gently pushing my boundaries for a long time. He told me afterward that he could feel my willingness to let him do it. Part of it was that I was letting myself cry so hard.

Yes! I have had some very good sex of all kinds for this.

Rough is good when it is with someone you love and trust.

I don't think I could ever be as giving as you, angela. I'd have to stop. Don't wanna delve into all my sexual baggage, but if what you described had occured between my husband and myself, and then he tells me it's the one of the best experiences of my life, I doubt I'd be able to be intimate with him for a very long time.

I would find it hard to believe that something that was incredibly painful for me (safe word or no) would give him so much pleasure. I'd have major trust issues. Worth issues.

I'm all about the wayward side of sex. I enjoy a bit of anal play myself, amoung other things. But I've never gotten into the whole pain=pleasure side of things.

That you did it for him, and you'd be willing to do it again speaks volumes of your love and trust for him. You're so much stronger than I could be.

m

I agree Nikki. I love it when my husband pulls my hair from behind.

I would have to agree that i love it when my husband gets rought with me. He has this little name he calls me and he pulls my hair it is so much fun.
The first time I asked him to pull my hair he was doing it and at the same time he was kissing my head it was so funny. He has gotten better at it.
But sometimes I like it rough.

It all depends on the mood. If the mood strikes me, I let my boyfriend choke me. Well, not LET him, I ask him to. He knows where the boundaries are tho.

Re: Concertina's post above...

Thanks, Concertina, very sincerely.

Answering your post (see below) has given me a lot of what I was looking for when I began the thread. In order to write this, I had to figure out why I didn't have feelings of self-sacrifice or a betrayal of trust. *That* lead me closer to how I *do* feel.

As I said in my original post, I didn't really understand the feeling, and I'm closer to understanding it now. You're giving me a little too much credit (not that I mind, thank you). There is a selfish side to what I did.

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I'd have to stop. Don't wanna delve into all my sexual baggage, but if what you described had occured between my husband and myself, and then he tells me it's the one of the best experiences of my life, I doubt I'd be able to be intimate with him for a very long time.

There's something very deeply intimate about it. It hurt but I felt good about it. There was a kind of fulfillment, that I was finally giving myself to him completely.

Quote:

I would find it hard to believe that something that was incredibly painful for me (safe word or no) would give him so much pleasure.

Hubby and I have talked about this since I read your post. He says that there is a part of him buried down deep that wants/needs to be violent and animalistic and not take "no" for an answer and that this is probably true for most men on some level.

They feel like they have to stay in denial, bury it and not let it out of it's cage for fear of what they might do. He seems to have satiated a once in a very long time kind of need to actually *do* something like this. On the other hand, he fantasizes about it every once in a while (sometimes with my help).

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I'd have major trust issues. Worth issues.

For me it was the other way around. I felt a sense of accomplishment that I really *could* do *anything* for him and that I wasn't just paying lip service. I also trust him more, knowing that he stopped short of permanent harm *and* that he hasn't tried to pressure me to do it again.

In other words, I know that the scary, violent part of him stays on it's leash.

Quote:

I'm all about the wayward side of sex. I enjoy a bit of anal play myself, amoung other things. But I've never gotten into the whole pain=pleasure side of things.

Yes. The fact that I am into mild/medium SM makes a big difference.

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That you did it for him, and you'd be willing to do it again speaks volumes of your love and trust for him. You're so much stronger than I could be.

I certainly can't deny being a strong woman, just ask any of the men I work with ;) and I am hopelessly in love with him. Both of these things made it safer for me. I am/was able to handle handle it, in large part, because I didn't have to deal with the utlimate fear that he wouldn't stop.

Just curious, are you doing it mostly for him or for you, i.e. do you get off on it?

i like being pinned. and overpowered. and getting bruises the next day. i like being tied up til my hand/arm/whatever falls asleep. i like being bitten.

This isn't something that I've thoroughly explored yet, but the most important thing that I've learned is that I need to feel comforted and understood about whatever we try for the first time. If I don't have peace of mind about it, then I'm not comfortable with getting too rough, and that ruins whatever pleasure I might get out of it. Other things that usually concern me are the risk factors involved, and there's nothing worse than regret. I do find it exciting to be restrained and bound, and especially spanked and scratched, but only if it's with someone I trust -- otherwise, it becomes a very negative experience for me, and there's no point in getting rough if it's not going to be enjoyable in some way.

So yeah, I'd probably be okay with anything as long as we trust each other, and that there's proper lubrication. :P This part is key. ;)

I would so not want anal if it was forced. Read to many warnings on that.

But spank me? Oh was I bad? Do I need a spanking? yes yes, I was bad!

neither would i....

but, what if the female is *allowing* it to be forced...is that *really* forced then?

i dunno, personally i don't think i'd be comfortable with my bf 'really' forcing me to do anything..but on the other hand, i could see giving him permission to do whatever, and/or 'pretending' it was forced (and of course he would still have to know somewhere in my mind that it was ok...)

i think i kno what ur saying tho -

for me, i don't think i could be comfortable with a guy _truly_ able to *force* sexual things...(meaning having total utter disregard for me..)

but i do like the idea of playing in that great big gray area...

;)

We've been talking a lot of fantasies lately -- as Lebell lives in a different state than I -- and I am looking forward to exploring my and his boundaries. I believe the more trust there is, the more fun there can be -- and that includes rough play.

Angela -- thank you for your inspiration and for making it all "okay." It is very freeing to know that ALL of my sexuality is good when it is with someone I love and trust.

I believe that the "safe word" is the key. With it, there will never actually be any "force" as it can be stopped at any time. With that in mind, I can hardly wait to be "taken," to be "tied," to be "spanked," and more.:D

I like a little rough
 

Normally in life I am a very strong minded stubborn female. But when it comes to sex sometimes I like having a guy put me in my place. Grabbing a hold of my hands behind back and me knowing that even if I resist I can't get away gets me hotter and wetter. Telling me things like, "I didn't tell you to stop or to do that"

I have to trust a person before I can give in to them like that though.
I do understand the giving to a person you love that ultimate pleasure even if it causes a me pain. I don't how to explain it though.

Ok, I guess I'm just a wuss. If it's painful - it AIN'T fun! I do like to be restrained - tied down so I can't move. But that's more so that I can't stop what he's doing to my body with his mouth, hands and tongue.

I don't do anal sex - even though he would like to. He knows I won't and that's ok with him.

I was very much the 2 position girl when we met - laying on my back or sitting on the lap. With him I've learned several new and fun positions. But there's still that line that I won't cross.

Um, Angela, I'm sorry, but I would have used the safeword It still sounds "rapelike" to me. You don't have to "give" your husband something painful. Any role playing my hubby and I do is all only if it's comfortable for us. We would never hurt each other like that, even voluntarily We do some light s/m, some spanking, and some tying up, but the scarves are so loose that they can be escaped at any time, its symbolic only.
I would never let him hurt me like that. I have been sexually abused in my childhood, and my ex's, so that would never occur to me.
I am lucky. We have a very healthy and active sex life, and anything that we try that's new or different, we talk about first, and there's lots of love and petting
As far as anal, when we met, I said "I don't do anal", but we're working on that, and on me being comfortable with that. He wouldnt' do anything I wasnt comfortable with.

Not to be critical, just want to clarify terms here - if it doesn't hurt it's not S/M. Sounds more like you are into light bondage and discipline. Which is great! Everyone should be comfortable in what they do.

As for me, I like the full spectrum Bondage Discipline Sado-Masochism (BDSM). In fact, I had the most severe spanking of my life last night, courtesy of i8one2, my Dom, and bf, and it was challenging. We push to the boundaries, and then play within them for awhile, and then try to extend them.

Last night was limit pushing time. Bound, gagged, and spanked. he told me before and during what he was doing, and was gentle and loving in between the slaps. The whole time my mind was cycling - oh my god, he is really hurting me, but I love him and I trust him, and he will stop if I ask. Then I'd think, but if he loves me why does he want to hurt me? Because I like it, but this really hurts! And back around again.

We had lots of kissing and cuddling afterwards and agreed on our pain scale of 1 to 10, a few of those were 11's and based on the welts and bruises rising on my bottom that was the hardest he would ever go.

The result? A bruised bottom (and a sore hand) a limit found, and another connection made between us.

I like everything jsut the whole choke me try to kill me thing. i do like it when he restrains me no matter how hard i fight

I hate the rough stuff. Give me the nice long easy sex anyday

I like the rough stuff, but only if it is followed by the nice long sensuous sex afterwards.

I do like the rough stuff. Haven't really done a lot of it. Have gotten welts and bruises and lots of rough sex with Hubby.Have two other couples that we've gotten to know. I have sat and talked to the guys in person and in chat and we've discussed what goes and what doesn't. One of them has held me down, spanked me, and taken me hard. The other is "well endowed" and gets pretty deep - enough to be painful. I enjoy that. He has taken me on my stomach and gone long and hard to the point where I was asking him to stop but not saying the safe word. Another time he had me on my back, held me firm and did me hard and rough, slapping, biting and kissing hard. I ended up having multiple orgasms for about 10 minutes straight without a break that time. I was exhausted.

I think the matter of the pain mixed with pleasure just intensifies the whole thing for me. It's also a matter of pushing myself, seeing how far I can go without saying the safe word. It's a satisfing feeling to be able to do some thing for the man that many other women wouldn't/even couldn't do.

The pain, helplessnes and slight fear mixed with trust in him and a feeling of power over yourself makes for such an intense experience. I have enjoyed it and would like to do more.

Once in a while I like it rough, but usually I'm yearning to have the guts to force him. (we talk about it, he wants it, i'm too nervous!). But, anyway, when I am in the mood to be his sex slave type of deal.. it's nothing extreme. Just the hair pulling, spanking, talking down to me, bondage type fun. =) I'd like to buy a paddle for his tooshy though. ;) mmmm

However, like most ladies have said, I definately wouldn't do it unless I completely trusted the person and not without a safeword!

Oddly enough, this was exactly the topic between me and my lover last night....He's been in a long, traumatic relationship, and has come away with some bad habits, like not being allowed to come or be dominant, or even to take initiative as far as sex goes. So we're trying to break some bad habits, and he had a hard time initially with me being so sexual and wanting it all the time. So we were discussing what exactly I would be willing to do, and I told him I love to be dominated, and held down, and "forced' if you will, and we all know how i feel about hair pulling ;) I also love to be taken from behind with my arms held behind my back, and I fantasize about getting taken very roughly all the time. I do love anal, and that's not something he's ever done, but I trust him, because above anything that is a major trust issue there, and we're going to give it a shot. He's a very strong man, and very well endowed, so the thought of him holding me down and getting rough with me gets me so hot. I think if you love someone and trust them, you can discuss your boundries, and in time, maybe stretch those boundries to see how far you can go...

I suppose is the trust is there, that is important.

Unfortunately I have seen too many horrible images and know too many real stories of this subject gone wrong. I will see many more and I'm sure one will eventually hit home... Crime Scene Photography.. somebody's got to do it.

In my own life... I don't mind him being rough if it leaves me in a bit of pain. But I have not explored in quite as deeply as others.
I do trust my boyfriend, but I do not yet know how I feel about this until I have further explored it.

As long as we are both comfortable I like trying lots of new things. As far as the roughness factor, every now and then I will tease him and play with him until he goes nuts and wants it right now, but he will always stop if I tell him no, even after I have pushed him that far. I've only done that once because he wanted anal that time and I wasn't comfortable or ready and it really hurt. He immediately stopped and then made up for it! But normally it is just playful biting and roughness. Nothing has ever happened with any kind of force. I couldn't do it and I know my SO couldn't either.

Hey there, just a little after-thought to my post. My lover and I did get a bit rough a few times since then, and I think the key here is a safe word. We decided to have one "just in case" because he is very strong and sometimes doesn't know his own strength, and we have yet to test my limits. We've both really enjoyed playing around, but he still has trouble beleiving I'm actually enjoying myself , but we're still working on it!

I enjoy feeling like I'm not in control, that I'm being "taken", but nothing like your ssaying I don't think I'll ever want to go that far. I can't see my bf ever wanting to do that either. he enjoys being very loving an gentle during sex.

If there is a mutual trust, and you both have a safe word....YUM YUM!

I am very into bound sex and resisting. it is the helpless feeling of being bound unable to prevent him having me. It is so great helpless seeing him deciding how the play will go. the slow verbal intimidation with touch play or the rough dominating sex can be really fantastic

Me and my b/f havn't had much expereince with sex. The first time for both of us was with eachohter, and it hurt like hell, but he didn't get in all the way. He is so afraid of hurting me. We've tried talking about it, but well some things guys just don't understand. I want him to keep trying, but he watches me and knows when it hurts me, so he stops. I love how respective he is, but I want to know what it feels like. I don't want him to stop trying because I know that it's gonna hurt no matter how gentle or rough he is, I just want to experience it.

If you (or anyone) likes it rough, hard, fast or painful...that's your perogative. If you are with someone that you can trust enough to let your inhibitions go...more power to you for finding that person.

One day my fiance, who was my boyfriend at the time, asked me if I would be open to him "choking" me during sex. At first, I thought that he was insane or had completley lost his mind.

But, after getting more info from him and talking about it in depth, I "gave in." The first time that we did it was over a year ago and I LOVE IT! I love feeling out of control, being controlled, thinking that my life is in his hands, etc. It's a HUGE turn on for me (and him) and makes me have orgasms like you wouldn't believe.

I've reccently found out that this is more normal than I had thought and they actually have a name for it.

Ladies, if you like something, want something or have fantasies...tell your partner and act them out and/or do them. Sex isn't just about men and what they want. It's about what BOTH parties want.

We've all had moments where our partner got us the wrong angle and it hurt and we just took it anyway, and saved the "complaining for afterwards." I would say that if this happens and you're willing to take the pain and crying again...you got enjoyment out of it to....and that's okay.

However, if you're going to get into dominating or painful situations, you need to have a code word or hand gesture that really means stop. When you pick a word, you'll want it to be something out of the ordinary so that you don't do it by accident during sex. Try the name of a fruit or flower. If you pick a had gester, try something like the hang loose or peace sign.

My safe word is Tony Stewart ahahahaha Dave knows Im serious than cause I cant stand that man (NASCAR driver)

heh...heh...heh...heh

I let him get as rough as he wants to. And I love every blessed moment of it. *swoon* :)

Not rough enough to justify the use of a safe word--he's not really into that. But he does spank me (I love a good spanking), and to be sure, we like rough, hard sex, with occasional hair-pulling and biting.

We haven't quite gotten to the rough stuff in our relationship yet...although when we do I'll comment.
The most we've done is to spank and bite a little. I like to bite...but not hard.

I absolutely love it rough & hard. Turns me on like none other.

Like Nikki said, it's good with someone you love and trust.

There's a time and place for just about everything. ;)

No rough for me, I hate it. I'm likely to clock someone if they even tried spanking.

Now were talking
 

Love it rough!!!! Love it, love it, love it. I am not into the SM stuff (real agonizing pain) but I want to be taken, not asked. Cloths can be ripped off; legs forced apart, hair pulled, choking, biting (not too hard), spanking, and slapping even. I like to be told what to do, bossed around. Getting pushed around is incredibly hot to me. I don't care if I am left with bruises and such that just intensifies the moment for me. My man loves to be bitten and scratched too; his body is literally covered with markings from me. At first I felt bad about it but he made me realize how much he likes the reminders of our escapades the following days and weeks so I do what he asks and no longer feel guilt.

Anal on the other hand, yeah......no way would I want that to be rough or just taken. That requires, imo, a certain level of care and gentle touching in order for it to be pleasurable.

My boyfriend basically pleases me with the pain/roughness, because I really love it! I stopped biting him after I left bruises and marks, and I scratch him every so often.

But, I really love roughness. I will have large scratch marks on my back, sometimes bloody. I really love it when he pulls my hair back during doggy. I have never been smacked in the face, but I like it when he smacks other parts of my body. And of course biting, I sometimes have really sore nipples after a rough session. My favorite thing though, it choking. It's not FULL on choking, because I could get some breath in if I truly needed to, but when I'm about to orgasm and he chokes me, it makes the orgasm 10x more powerful.

I like being controlled during sex and knowing my husband is frantic to have my body. I am uncomfortable with excessive force and prolonged pain.

Occasionally he has a compelling desire to see me helpless and in great pain. He says, "It is an inredible turn-on." One of his favorite procedures for "hard sex" is to penetrate me anally. Then positions me standing in front of a full-length mirror nude except for heels. Remaining inside me, he inserts a dildo into my vagina. He then continues moving to a larger ones until I cannot take anything bigger. He then forcefully thrusts until I am sobbing in tears.

His other "turn-on" is penetrating me vaginally from behind, again while nude, in heels and standing in front of the mirror. He then wraps his hands together behind my head and forces it down and at the same time thrusts forcefully. The mirror allows him to watch the pain on my face and the tears flowing. It is the pain and tears that turn him on, I am sure.

Each time he tries to push me to endure being held like this longer. When he finally releases me, he lavishes me with praise about how I am able to sexually satisfy him. I am happy to please him, but am growing concerned that his appetite for this kind of sex continues to become more intense.

Am I endangering myself or should I concentrate on enabling myself to withstand his growing desires?

Have you told him how you feel about these experiences? Personally I don't see anything wrong with the acts themselves (I found reading them quite erotic actually), but I like it really rough and get a kick about being pushed as far as I can take it with a trusted partner. Your DP story makes me want to do that right now exactly as you described.

However if you do not enjoy it then your husband should not be making you engage these acts. I don't like the fact that he loves watching you suffer when you obviously hate it. There may be a way to negotiate fantasy role-playing situations where you ACT as if you are being pushed to your limits but are still within your comfort zone. Rough play should always involve trust, communication and an unquestioned safe word. As it is, it sounds dangerous and he's probably watching too much torture porn.

I pretty much agree with what Sharon says here. You should never be pushed past these limits. It should be desired by you as much as your husband. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that playing around with these kinds of emotionally-charged sex acts can take a toll on you mentally. Even when it's something that you do want. Even when you know you are just play-acting, the emotions can take a toll on you as if they are real.

I'd be really careful. :)

If you like it, and you truly trust him, go on. If you do not, stop. Immediately.

I am lucky to have complete trust and vulnerability with my husband - we have some pretty damned hot sex. He is just as rough as I want him to be. That's the thing (something I think Shani pointed out once) - it's fun to act like he's in charge, but really, the one being dominated is the one with all the power, because it stops when we say it does.

If you don't feel like he would stop if you asked, then I would have a BIG problem with that. A BIG problem.

I spoke with him last night and he says that he would really stop, if he feels he is seriously hurting me. He refuses to use a "safe word" because allowing me to decide would remove the element of my being helpless and his controlling and dominating me. I find it sexually exciting and extremely gratifying except fpr the tears.

I love him very much and he treats me as an equal in all other aspects of our marriage, but strongly feels my limits must be extended to keep our sex exciting. If I had conrol, he feels, I would not reach my full potential. He lavishly praises my ability to excite him and continues smoothering my body with kisses after climaxing.

I want so bad to please him and the exhilarating feeling of totally being dominated, but have anxieties. Are my anxieties goung to destroy an otherwise very good relationship?

Personally, I'm not comfortable with the idea of letting anyone decide when it's too much or enough for me. That's just a tad too controlling. But only you know the answer to that question for you.

My concern is that you're anxious about it now which would seem to indicate that you already have doubts and fears. Sure, we all want our guy happy in bed. But what are you willing to risk for that? :oogle:

I'm just going to quote myself here for good measure.

I spent about a year indulging in power head-games, giving myself over to them willingly and without anxiety. And it still managed to fuck me up.

Your posts give me anxiety, starburst, lol.

I'm not saying that d/s games should be abandoned, my boyfriend and I still play them and I still enjoy them, but they have to be handled lightly and then put back on the shelf once they're over. I don't see how you can leave them behind if they are causing you anxiety.

And like the other ladies here, I would be alarmed by your husband's attitude. His unwillingness to compromise with a safe word sounds controlling.

I'm going to stop here because I have issues and I don't want my advice to get bogged down with my own emotional baggage, lol, but you should seriously examine your instincts here.

Take care of yourself. :)

This is the part that disturbs me. Sex should be about getting closer as a couple, not about making anxieties. It should also be about pleasing one another...not about one wanting to please the other with no real focus in the other direction except some kisses after the fact.

What people do in their own bedroom is their own business, but *I* personally would not be comfortable with this because it doesn't seem to be about role-playing...it seems to be about real domination. The lack of a safe word would freak me the heck out.

And just b/c it's fun.. And that's the way it should be. Removing all control from you in actuality, not just in role-playing... sounds like more than you're willing to give. And since when is HE in charge of your sexuality? YOU are in charge of it. Not him. No matter how good he is, or how much he loves you, or kisses you afterwards... it's YOURS, not his. Did he insist you come to him all virgin as well? Because this guy is starting to tick me off.

Thank You for Opening My Eyes
 

Sincere thanks to everyone who responded expressing their concern for me and your thoughtful comments. All strongly stated that I was exposing myself to physical and emotional damage by continuing to surrender complete control.

You were unanimous in urging me to stop participating in this dangerous type of sex unless I was given control of the degree of pain I was required to endure. I now realize I had not only surrendered control of my body to my husband, but also my will and emotions.

Many of you were also correct in pointing out that my deep anxiety about this kind of extreme domination was evident in my posts. As much as I loved being dominated and pushed to extend my limits, if I am honest, I was greatly upset about the level of pain and my husband's exhiliaration in seeing me emotionally break down from the pain.

Now, I must summon my courage and resolve and rebuild our sexlife into a mutually loving and satisfying relationship. Thank you all for caring and offering such helpful advice.

I'm glad you have seen things that way Starburst. If your husband really loves you, why would he want you to suffer more than you can handle? It makes no sense to me. I'd be worried about someone willing to do that to a complete stranger, never mind the one person most willing to trust them.

Btw, how would he feel about you tying him up, and pushing progressively larger things into his urethra (or ass) without a safeword, so he could explore the limits of his endurance? ;)

One of our male members (is a male member called a penis? :lol:) asked me to post this on his behalf:

Sharon,

Thanks so much for taking the time to post that message from the male member. I very much appreciate his attitude on the subject and concern. I know that all men are NOT obsessed with inflicting pain on their partner during sex.

My feelings for intimacy with a woman have become extremely intense recently. My husband’s fixation with seeing me helpless and in tears has played a part in it, I am sure.

Pain in some degree has really been part of our sex life beginning with our wedding night. Just small things; he is very reluctant to use lubrication, avoids foreplay which would prepare my body to receive him, often hyper-extends my arms and legs and at times is extremely physical. The fact that he is almost a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than I am exasperates the situation.

I am determined that our sexual relationship will change. It must become more loving and mutually satisfying without the excessive pain. I have not been able to talk with him about it yet, but neither did we have sex last night.

Please thank the male member for taking the effort to have his thoughts posted. Sharon, I very much appreciate your help and concern.

I'm so glad we were able to provide another perspective to you. Please, please keep us updated after you speak to him - I would very much like to know how the conversation goes, and if good result comes of it.

starburst,

thank you for trusting us with your concerns and I'm glad we've been able to give you some new perspectives to work with...

There's nothing inherently wrong with your husband's desires. Many people enjoy the s/m & d/s lifestyles to varying extents, from casual to the extreme. But with them comes the responsibility of acknowledging the limits, physical and emotional, of your partner. There are many books on the subject that your husband could read if you still wanted to pursue a mutually satisfying power exchange relationship.

I think rough is good when you trust that person...and you know how far you'll both go. Maybe a little bit of gentle hair pulling, and biting (not hard!)

one of my boyfriends liked to get rough, not like bad or anything, just a little hair pulling and pinning my arms down...it was ok but i wouldn't want it to become a normal thing

Hmm, I think a combination of gentle and slightly rough is good.

I, on the other hand, would be absolutely fine with that becoming a normal thing! I love pretending to resist a bit, then acquiescing when it's obvious that he's too strong and that he's going to to do naughty, naughty things to me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I realize I'm late to the party. However, skimming through these posts, that quote caught my eye.

That is manipulative behavior almost verging on emotional abuse how I read it anyway.

You say, "It hurts and I don't want it like this anymore."
He says, "But honey, I'm doing it because I love you and want you to grow."

So, is he doing you a favor by hurting you? That sounds like what he wants you to believe so he can get what he wants.

Then to top it off, he gives you something that you know you will like so you will question why you feel the way you do.

Just something to ponder or whatever...

As for me, I like the level of roughness. Not too much, not too little.

for myself... I enjoy rough sex, when in the mood and with my husband who I trust, with plenty of lube and a safe word if it gets past the point either of us want it to.

Now onto you Starburst.... sweetheart....

this is more bordering on rape than sex.

Do let us know how your talk with him goes! I am proud of your for putting yourself and your safety first by talking about this with him.

had you tried telling him No in the past?

the fact that his appetite for this kind of forced sex where he can watch your face in tears and your pain is increasing is extemely concerning to me. and i imagine is to you too. Thank you for trusting us to share this here.

If it was me, I would be highly concerned about being with someone who enjoyed causing me so much pain, when I was not really a willing partner...

I would suggest you two see a couseler. Does your husband have a history of sexual abuse? was he abused?
Wishing to see that kind of pain when it is not a mutual thing, when it is not something both partners want to do is more borderline rape than sex.

I am sorry if I have been too forceful in my opinions, I don't want to scare you, but his behavior towards you is not normal (outside of a dom/sub relationship, which both parties agree to, and even then, there are safe words) and is disturbing, I am highly concerned for your safety and mental well being.


I would encourage you to speak to a professional about this, if you feel up to that... http://www.live-counselor.com/profes...g/?banid=14805 here is a good resource.

thank you so much for sharing this with us and for trusting us to give input :) :icare:
hope your talk with him goes well.

sweetpea


sorry, did not see this post here...


your 'anxieties' are your instricts to protect yourself from a dangerous situation....

Reach your full potential? to experience pain? What does he want you to do? pass out from the pain?

I know you wish to please him... but this sounds seriously like he is manipulating you.

That fact that he doesn't wish to use a safe word... means that he is into the fantasy of rape... very dangerous.

try talking to him again... tell him you want to use a safe word.

I am very concerned for you. This sounds like a very dangerous situation both emotionally and physically for you.... :(

I would suggest you two talk about this allot more. Get to the bottom of why he feels like is exciting and if he keeps escalating it... where will it end?.....

sweetpea

One thing you would have to understand is that the use of safe words is for both participants. He is trusting that you know when you have reached your limit and yet not abuse the safeword also, that you will tell him honestly. To not use your safeword when it is called for is just as much a misuse of trust as it would be to overuse it. You are trusting that he will stop after using it. In a loving relationship that word comes out and it comes to a halt, with hugs, kisses, apologies and understanding. It is not about abuse, it truly is about trust.

This is another one on the pile marked To Each Their Own. Everyone shows their love in different ways. Each way is special in its own unique way.

Well, I just got out of a long relationship in which things got rough on occasion but nothing out of the ordinary. I always wanted him to go a bit farther but he was uncomfortable so I left it at that.

Since I ended that relationship I have been with a man that has fulfilled that desire for me.

Rough is awesome! He even went so far as to slap me across the face a few times and I didn't have any desire to stop him. Granted, this is a man I've known and been close with for a very long time, and I trust him immensely. Basically, I was handcuffed (ones with no safety), spanked, slapped and otherwise abused. It was very enjoyable for me and I never felt like I had lost control really. I haven't decided whether I am a true sub but I definitely did enjoy being dominated.

Starburst, everyone has already given their opinions and I have nothing to add except for my support. What you describe just does not sound right.

((Note I have condensed Sweetpea's remarks)
Sincere thanks to all of you for offering such heartfelt concern and advice to me. I am deeply touched by your genuine concern for my well-being. All have focused on offering support and encouragement and not on the fact, some of the details might be titillating.

Another matter you all address with such a unified voice is that my husband is emotionally and psychologically manipulating me. Reading the thoughts of other women, who enjoy various levels of “rough sex”, some even able to enjoy and tolerate more severe pain than myself, but yet saying, “I should control the limits imposed on me and not exceed them.

The other point that finally registered with me was “Sweetpea’s” warning that this is borderline rape. If I honestly evaluate his conduct, the conclusion must be that his thrill is forcing me to sexually submit against my will. Yes Sweetpea, it is borderline rape and when I allow myself to be pushed to my ultimate limit, it will become violent spousal rape. That will provide him with his ultimate sexual thrill.

He refuses to seek counseling or professional help. His contention is that because of my strict religious upbringing, I secretly desire to be forced (his term) or raped (my term) because that absolves me of any guilt related to engaging in “non-missionary position sex” (his term). That is not true; I enjoy sex and like expanding my horizons, but like most people find certain practices distasteful.

For the past month I have only occasionally had sex with him and then only to relieve his sexual frustration and to keep from creating an atmosphere that I was using sex as a weapon. Despite great psychological pressure and occasional physical persuasion, I have not succumbed to his demands to resume his variety of rough sex. I periodically satisfy his physical latent urges, but thus far have refused to resume normal sexual relations until we fully discuss and agree on a mutually satisfying and loving relationship.

This past weekend we had a very unpleasant confrontation. Several times during the day, he mentioned how he missed the real intimacy we once had and how he has longed to again really “make love to me”. I found that somewhat encouraging, but that evening, as I prepared for bed, he removed the largest of four glass dildos we have from the night table and began lubricating it. It is the only one my vagina has never been able to accept. I grabbed my nightgown and went to the guest bedroom. He demanded I immediately come to bed. A bitter argument ensued and I accused him of being a latent rapist intent on provoking me to resist his outrageous demands, so he could violently rape me.

Needless to say, the verbal fight resolved nothing and I spent the night alone with the warning that I would dial 911, if he came near me. Things have been very strained the past two days and I have indicated my intent to leave, if healing does not occur by the end of this month.

While the situation is difficult, it must be resolved; I have allowed it to continue much too long. Fortunately, I have not been hurt physically, but he has deeply damaged me emotionally and psychologically. I will apprise you of what develops. I will remain firm in my resolve and again express my deep gratitude for your support and concern.

I am so so so incredibly proud of you starbrust. For standing up for yourself, protecting yourself and for saying you will leave if he doesn't change his ways and seek healing with you.

this has nothing to do with having a religious upbringing, as you have noted you enjoy different kinds of sex. Frankly... besides a true masochist, I don't know someone who would enjoy the kind of 'forced' sex... RAPE that he prefers to enjoy with you when it's his choice...

I do hope he will seek professional treatment, either by himself or with you or both....

either way... PUT YOURSELF FIRST. You deserve better than how is treating you and you deserve a partner who loves you in the bedroom and wants to please YOU, not just himself....

:)

keep us posted and stick to your willpower on this one, don't let him manipulate you emotionally or otherwise. Standing up for yourself, you just may save yourself and certainly will create a better life for youself and Every woman is worth that.

thanks,

sweetpea

Did Starburst remove her post? Anyway I read it from Sweetpea's post and want to give you a hug for being so courageous. I hope it works out for you, dear. x

I guess she did.

do keep us updated starburst if you so choose....

Sorry for the Deleted Post
 

I did not mean to delete my previous post. I was viewing the thread the day it disappeared, so I must have inadvertently deleted it. I apologize for my inept keyboard skills.

The deleted post is quoted in its entirety in post #70 by "sweetpea". I do apologize for the mistake and again wish to thank everyone for their encouragement and concern.

I didn't quote the whole thing unforunately, but I am glad I was able to get a large part of the post saved :)

no worries, I have done that a time or two myself I think.

Would you like to share with the ladies and myself how things are going for you this week?

I would strongly urge you to continue to put yourself first. You don't want to be stuck in a marriage that is bordering on domestic abuse (I say bordering only because this is online and I know I don't know all the facts, but it sure does fit the description of domestic abuse/emotional abuse plain and simple)

Having had a friend who was in an abusive marriage, I am a big advoate that unless your man is seeking sincere efforts at couseling with professionals to adress his behavior.... he's not going to change and when you reconcile at the end of this trial month... he's just going to go back to his manipulative ways.

I am sorry to the OP, I see this thread has gotten a bit off track from 'rough sex.' But I think it illustrated that in healthy relationships based on trust and mutual pleasing sexually... rough sex can be good... but in a negative controlling sexual relationship... rough sex is just plain abuse.

I am keeping you in my thoughts starburst and I have talked about your situation with my friends and all the other women I have talked to are proud of you for having the courage to stick up for yourself.

If you do choose to leave him (which, unless he is seeking some true professional help.... I would consider it for your own safety) there is not only your family... but also places that will help you and offer you aid as a woman in a dangerous situation. No woman is ever alone. I think that's an important message to put out there. there are Many many programs to help women get help, one that my friend used when she left Her abusive marriage. And you know what, it's been 6 years now and she is a new woman, much happier, with a life free of emotional/domestic abuse.

thanks, thank you for letting me give my two cents, we women have to stick together in this world :)

Sweetpea

Just wanted to echo Sweetpea. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to someone and say "no more!" Truly. *applause*