Out of ideas and really needing help.

[Vindicated0411]

I have been a member of TF Project for quite some time. I find comfort and advice in my time of need. There are so many members who have great advice and offer alternatives that I have not thought of.

Well at this time I am asking for help for my sister. First I will tell you her story and I promise that this is not made up. My sister has been married for about 5 years now to an active duty military member. She has relocated several times with her husband and has taken in his daughter, who is of a young age. She has loved him deeply and worked hard to create a home and be a good mother to his daughter.
Unfortunately, her husband has turned his back on her. He has been arrested and faces multiple charges that he has plead guilty to. I am choosing not to mention some details to keep some privacy- I don't want anyone googling trying to figure out who the family is.
Anyway, he is certainly going to prison and has left her with a home, two car payments, and a child. Their savings are evaporating quickly. My sister is trying to maintain custody of his daughter because her biological mother is not of the best character either. She has already made arrangements to move in with a family member but she is trying to maintain her current location for the next two months until school is out. The daughter is not coping well and my sister is doing her best to at least keep her in her current school till the school year is over. She has been unable to work recently due to the chaos of everything and she doesn't have a high paying job. Her husband was immediately discharged for the military. He was their primary income source. She has gone to social services and they have only offered temporary Medicaid. My sister has gone to several charity organizations (i.e. United Way, Salvation Army) and noone will seem to help. She is only seeking short term financial assistance to maintain her location for the next few weeks and she seems to keep running into dead ends. She has tried to talk to so many people and noone will listen to her. A great many people want nothing to do with her due to what her husband has done. Noone understands that what her husband did has no bearing on her and that she and the daughter are victims as well. They have very little money to make ends meet. They have been shunned in their community. Their family has been torn apart and my sister has been hurt deeply. I have been recruiting family members to pool money to help but we, like many, families don't have much to spare with the current economy.

So I am asking you, Tilted Forum members, to please reach deep in your hearts, if you have any advice or know of any organizations that she may be able to approach, please let me know.

Thank you,
Vindicated0411

[genuinegirly]

This is a horrible situation. I wish I knew of an organization that could help. I hope others will have some solutions.

[noodle]

Depending on where she lives, the United Way may have a bank of agencies that can help with rent and the like. She needs to get with the local Legal Aid program to work on the custody thing, too. Applying for public assistance and TANF can be done online in many states. Here in Florida, most of it is run through the Department of Children and Families. It's a pain in the ass and can be humiliating sometimes, depending on the worker, but if she can swallow a little pride, it can be worth it. Just fair warning... about some of the workers, I just hate people going in for legitimately needed help and being treated like f-ups. I wish her luck.

[Anormalguy]

I don't know of any agencies that can be of help. If she tries free legal aid (good advice!) perhaps they can direct her to some useful agencies.

In my limited experience, most agencies will only help once you've hit bottom. I don't what your sister's maritial status is, or if she plans to stay married, but she might need some type of legal separation or even a divorce in order to qualify for some aid.

Your sister has my admiration for trying to do the right thing for her step-daughter. Please keep this thread updated.

[jewels]

The reason she's not qualifying for more assistance is likely the value of the assets. You mentioned two car payments. She should sell one of the cars or give it back to the bank. If she declares even jewelry or any large possessions, those are counted as liquid assets.

If she's in NC, she'll have to go in person, according to this website.

It sounds as though she should be eligible for Emergency Assistance (which will include at least foodstamps and likely cash as well), so be sure she asks about that when she visits social services.

Feel free to PM me if I can be of any further help. I've been through most of this not long ago.

[skizziks]

try catholic outreach.

[robot_parade]

So sorry for the trouble your sister is in. I'm trying to think of some good advice.

Is the home she's in now a rental or does she or her husband own it? If the latter, I believe foreclosure proceedings can take a long while...it might be an option to just walk away and let the bank take it.

If she is renting, then that makes things more difficult...if she misses a payment, eviction proceedings can start pretty quickly. If the landlord is a *very* understanding and generous person she might be able to work something out there.

If her husband is going to jail, can she get rid of/sell one or both of the cars, and thus the car payments? Unfortunately, I think if she just stops paying one, even if it is in her husband's name alone, it may impact her credit worthiness also.

Failing that, it sounds like her money problems are simply the fact that the family has lost it's primary income source. Even drastically cutting back, she might not make enough to make ends meet.

You didn't mention the daughter's age, but if possible she should talk to the daughter. Really talk, and be as honest and open about the situation as she can. Tell the daughter that they might have to move before she finishes school, but that she will try very hard to prevent that from happening. Kids understand more than adults often think they do.

Regarding the custody arrangements...she'll probably have to lawyer up here. If the mother doesn't contest, it might be relatively inexpensive, but lawyers cost money. I don't know if there's some legal aid she could avail herself of.

She also needs emotional support...if she's a believer, then maybe a church could provide that...otherwise, the best thing you can do is be there for her.

There are also several little ways one can make money...selling plasma, etc. They suck, but every little bit helps. Obviously she has to cut out all of the extras. Most cities have food pantries available that can help with the grocery bills.

[chinese crested]

certainly unburden herself of one of the cars. If she can just walk away from the house without financial complications from doing so - then maybe the daughter could commute to school - would it be a prohibitive distance?
Certainly over here, there is support available for the families of prisoners. In conversation with a convicted child sex offender once, he told me his parents had been ostracised and had to move from their village. Another lifer said that his mum was paying for his crime, that people would look sat her in the street, and where once she would have had a name, now to all she was 'that murderers mother'. What strong people in your sisters community that they are brave enough to victimise a victim. I suspect many are practicing christians for two hours every sunday. Fools the lot of them, may all their secrets be outed. Over here I would suggest she try the probation service for advice on how and where she can get help - they will certainly know, I think they will also have some experience of where your sister is coming from. As for your family help - just knowing someone gives a damn is a great comfort, and she knows you too have little, so she will know what a lot a little is.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

His fault can't comprise her life. The child's finishing the year in the school she's used to is irrelevant. A (relatively) happy home-life will be more important as your sister & she survive this crisis. Is there anyone in your family who can take them in?

[Fire]

well- step one- if its a mortgage, then let the bank take it, it will take some time for this to happen, unless it is already a ways along- step 2- divorce the guy if he is in fact guilty, and has done something horrible, and has turned his back on them, then its the right thing to do and will allow her to qualify for more help in the long and short term- 3- free legal aid is going to be a help
4- sell at least one car, may have to sell both....