Rum 'n' Diet Pepsi... A Tale of Woe
 

Let me begin by explaining the prelude to this humble albeit humiliating tale. Last night was the performance of our theater final exams--plays written and directed by students--which I had opted to exempt, but still ended up in as an actor. The first two that I was in went great, the audience loved me and I'm sure many wanted my cock, but that is really here nor there. The third featuring myself, which was the very last performance, was a little play called "Pudding." Now, I was two characters: Oberon from Midsummer Night's Dream and a random guy at the end. The Oberon bit, which was only one line, went nicely and was quite funny, but then the final scene, featuring myself as the guy.

The scene is a pudding pie fight. On stage. With my thick head of hair.

Needless to say, I looked like my brain had exploded by the time it was over, and had to wash out my hair in the bathroom sink, which is small and has one of those annoying five second timers. Upon washing up and changing, and missing all of the audience members outside and their usual praise (which is a lot like sex to me), I helped clean up the director's grand mess and then left, without a kiss from the Mormon or any real praise. Talk about a let down.

So, I returned home, watched the last thirty minutes of Transformers naked, and took a shower. It being about 1:00 AM at this point, I then went and [put a steak on the stove] (my parents were out of town, by the way). While it was slowly [sizzling] (never burn a good sirloin), I looked through the liquor cabinet and found my personal favorite, the Captain. Now, all I needed was coke to make this night a thousand times better.

Now, I'm not big into soda, ever since I was fired from the movie theater, so I don't keep tabs on the house supply. I go into the pantry and I see Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Pepsi.

FUCK.

Here I am, in need of a rum 'n' coke, and there's no Coke. Well, I'd never tried Diet Pepsi, how bad could it be? Plus, I never drink anymore, so I'm sort of desperate. I poor a small glass with 1/3 rum and 2/3 Diet Pepsi, hoping that a larger amount of Diet Pepsi will somehow make up for no coke, being that I hate plain alcohol.

Never drink rum with Diet Pepsi. It simply isn't the same, and should be outlawed.

So, that sucked, my night has already been awful, and there's no orange juice for the tequila. I eat my sirloin (which was fantastic, thank you) with a simple glass of milk, watch some Saw III, and go to bed.

This morning I wake up at about 9:30 from a call from my mom, who says they will be home in about 15 minutes. I thought they were coming back at 12:00, and I had planned via that info to go buy her Mothers Day gift at about 11:30. So, I leap out of bed, put on my fashionable clothing, feed the cats, clean the dishes, wipe off all counters, clean the litter box, and run out the door like Chev Chelios in Crank. I then drive to Target, spend about 20 minutes trying to figure out what to buy, and finally end up with an earrings/necklace combo and a cook book, and go back home.

Later, at about 1:30, my mom wakes up from a nap, I give her her present, she's all happy with my present and card (which said inside, "Don't let all of this love and affection go to your head."), and then she asks me to get her a Coke.

Huh?

I walk into the pantry, in a fit of desperate and confused rage, and there, right under my nose, lying on the floor, is a box of canned Cokes.

God damn it.

Mothers have secret powers of materialisation.

Haha. C'est la vie. Diet coke is useful for nothing but chasing really bad hard liquor. (..and blowing up with Mentos)

if you sent an army of mothers into iraq they would have found the WMD

Funny

Never trust the Captain, he's bad news. After an unfortunate incident many moons ago, he and I are no longer on friendly terms. Diet Pepsi's on my list, too. After combining the two, I'm surprised your night wasn't worse.

How can you even combine diet anything with your drinks?

I know nothing about diet drinks, and I was desperate. You try taking a heaping load of pudding and pie crums to your luscious thick head of hair and see what crazy shit you do.

'Round here, The Captain bitch-slaps anyone with "diet" anything.

Keep being nice to your mom. That's a good boy!

"diet" doesn' mix with my luscious thick head of hair...

hehe...

I am still reeling from the fact that you simmered a good sirloin... why would you boil good meat?

That was actually an error I made, thanks for picking it up. I didn't simmer it, I fried it on the stove. I don't know why I said simmering, I suppose it sounded good at the time.

Perhaps you meant sizzling.

Earlier this week I had a shot of Pyrat in flat root beer. It was the most disgusting and yet crazily spicy good drink. I dont know that I recommend it nor that I will ever have it again, I just empathize with your disappointment.