sound chaser

It seems lately that I've become more attached to persons from specific ethnicities.

Is this a bad thing, and would people think that I don't like my own ethnicity or somehow hate myself for being of a specific ethnicity?

dlish

i dont necesarily think so.

ive got friends from every corner of the earth! and that doesnt even include TFP or online buddies.

lets see..

croatia
china
vietnam
pakistan
india
new zealand
lebanon
syria
jordan
italy
greece
portugal
turkey
yemen
philliphines
mexico
united states
UK


does this mean i hate myself or my culture or background? absolutely not!

However, there may be a stigma within some cultures that dont encourage this type of thing due to bad influences or dilution of morals, or just because they dont agree with the cultural aspects of other peoples.

you might be having second thoughts, but if you dont tink you are doing anything wrong by befriending them then whats the problem?

the question you have to ask yourself is, do you really not like your ethnicity? only you can answer that.

if the answer is no, then whats the problem? and who cares what other people think!

__________________
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abaya

Frankly, I prefer to have as diverse of a social circle as possible. It frustrates me when people limit themselves to friends of only one ethnicity, because I do feel that it limits their world/understanding of the world, quite a bit. I don't think it has anything to do with "disliking" your own ethnicity--but your OP is pretty thin, so it's hard to give you any more advice than that. Can you tell us more about why people might think this way? Or how you feel about it yourself?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

jewels

Are you concerned that people will judge you for having too many friends of a specific ethnicity?

Don't worry about it. People are people.

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Lubeboy

Ditto. It also frustrates me when people only date someone of a specific ethnicity.

dlish

i disagree with you lube boy. people have preferences. people may be attracted to their own kind in looks as well as other areas. it may even be a case of convenience that they marry from their own country or race. i see nothing wrong with that.

one thing i try and do is learn as much about other people as possible. ive learnt a lot about the indian culture and hindi language in the past year being here in the middle east than i ever imagined, and im glad i did.

learning about others breaks down barriers and prejudices. hopefully this will rub off on my kids and so on and so forth, and hopefully my kids wont have to go through what i think the OP is going through.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Jinn

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dlish

what do you mean jinn?

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Jinn

sound chaser started a very similar thread to this one a few weeks back:

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...iminatory.html

It essentially ended up in the same place as this one, with the semantic difference of friends to lovers.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Lubeboy

Preferences on ethnicity is a pretty narrow mind view. People should be more concerned about personality, body types, cuteness, etc.. rather than skin color. If you want to learn about as many other different people as possible why not date them?

dlish

for your information, i travel a lot, and try and learn about everywhere i go from my experiences.

unless i decided to take wife no. 2, 3 and 4, ill just stick to just 1 for now. but thanks for the offer.

from your comment, i assume you have dated / seeing someone other than your ethnicity??

i dont see how you find dating someone of your own ethnicity narrow minded. i think your comments show lack of understanding of different cultures.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Cynthetiq

because I don't find them attractive?

I like having friends of enthnicities but I don't necessarily want the same baggage that comes with a spouse that has ethinic or religious cultures that become part of my life. It wasn't interesting to me whatsoever.

But like dlish, I travel the world as much as I can so that I can see how other cultures live and breathe. Here in NYC, I'm fortunate to have a vast swath of cultures to visit enclaves of them.

Just because I want to understand and be learned on other cultures doesn't mean I have to saddle myself with dating them.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

Didn't you marry someone who is of a different ethnicity than you?
-----Added 8/9/2008 at 01 : 34 : 26-----
I would not call it "narrow minded"... more than that, it's just plain human. (I would even argue that focusing on "body type" or "cuteness" is just as arbitrary as focusing on ethnicity, btw.) People like to be around people who look, act, and think like them, in general... and that comes right down to class and religion as well. Is this surprising to you? Humans like to feel comfortable more than they like to take risks.

It is the rare person who decide to go outside of that circle to make friends with those who are different. But it is even rarer to date, and perhaps even marry, someone from a totally different background. I would not say that the rest are "narrow minded," but that they are merely normal in this sense--the vast majority of the world's population is endogamous for that reason (marrying within their own "group"). It's just the way it goes--and for their part, it also tends to produce more stable unions, which means that their offspring will be more successful (if you think about this behavior in an evolutionary sense). I don't necessarily like it myself, but I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it, and it makes sense overall. People are people. For me, I'm just weird because I always had great examples of exogamy (marrying outside of your "group"), so I think that influenced me very strongly. But not everyone has the same influences--and that's really just fine.

But isn't this thread about friendships, not dating? Or else it really is just copying the other thread's theme, mentioned earlier.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cynthetiq

yes, but the rest of the quote explains it.

I believe that was one of the biggest turn offs to dating young filipinos in my youth... that and they all looked like my mom and my sister..

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

Yeah, I guess that wasn't clear... it sounded like you enjoyed meeting people of different ethnicities, but that you didn't want to date one, so I was confused. I see now that you mean people of your OWN ethnicity, haha! (I can't imagine that I would ever have dated/married a Thai guy either, for what it's worth.)

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cynthetiq

my biggest issue is the cultural/religious background. Skogafoss has an ethnicity, but she doesn't have a cultural identity within that ethnicity that she brought to the relationship. I'm not so interested in ethno-cultural pride to the point of the ethnic parades. I don't do any of my immediate familial traditions let alone ones brought by my spouse.

We're quite anti, to the point, we don't really even do traditional Thanksgiving using that week to travel overseas. Even when we didn't travel, people find it so odd that you aren't going home to see family that they insist on you coming over for a plate of turkey and stuffing.

While we don't like to participate, we do like to watch and understand. I guess it's more anthropological and sociological rooted interests than actually participation.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Lubeboy

Sounds pretty narrow minded to me. So you're saying mixed and gay couples shouldn't get married because they would have unstable households.

Traveling doesn't make you worldly. Interacting with different people from different ethnicity and cultures does.

Yes I have dated white, black, asian, and latino girls.

Right. I lack understanding of different cultures because I'm willing to interact and date outside my own ethnicity....

Willravel

Sometimes people of a similar culture can have certain ways of thinking or acting that one may not subjectively find pleasing. I don't really see any problem with that per say. Other times, you want to experience something new.

When I was in high school, I tended to gravitate towards Asian culture. In college it was European, and then right after graduation it was Persian. For me, looking back, I think it was about experiencing something new, culturally. I really enjoyed immersing myself in a new perspective and history. It wasn't an aversion to white/American culture or anything, it's just that I already understood most of it and maybe it was a little bland because I was so accustomed.

dlish

please show me where i said i was worldy?

i pity you because from your comments anyone here can tell that you know nothing of my travels and immersion in my travels or what i do or my intentions for travelling. i really do.

i didnt date outside my ethnicity because im married to someone of my own ethnicity. someone who i happen to be attracted to in terms of personality, body shape and cuteness etc. whats so wrong with this idea?

im not attracted to blacks, latinos asians etc, its no reason to date them. its like not being attracted to fat/skinny/blondes etc. its personal choice really. but i really dont see where you are going with this, and your arguments are baseless.

no i think you lack understanding of other cultures because you fail to see that in all of human history and anthrolopogy people have insisted on marrying those that are like them. people with the same customs, religion, beliefs, language, way of life, ideals etc.

i see nothing wrong with marrying people of other cultures, but i think theres a distict advantage also in marrying your own kind.

i dont see how you managed to turn this into a thread about marrying other ethnicities when the OP was asking about friendship with other than his own ethnicity. ..oh thats right..post #5

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

abaya

Lubeboy, I'm a cultural anthropologist. I study this kind of a thing for a living (though technically not getting paid for it right now ). What I did in my last post is try to explain to you WHY people tend to associate in these kinds of patterns--an explanation only--the term in the literature is actually called "assortative mating." Nowhere did I say that they "should" or shouldn't do this... that would be a judgment. I am just trying to answer to your statement that this kind of thinking is "narrow minded"--when in fact it is no more "narrow" than someone simply being heterosexual, because that is what they are comfortable being and identifying as. They are not going to become gay just to be more "open minded." It's an identity thing, not an attitude thing.

I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but my parents were from different countries, ethnicities, religions--and I also married someone from a different country, ethnicity, and religion. So you're preaching to the choir when you're talking to me about this issue, alright?

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that this kind of intercultural marriage (exogamy) is relatively rare, compared to the more normative types of endogamy. The same goes for gay couples; I am extremely supportive of their right to marry and have equal rights and raise children--but as a social scientist, my job is to examine all types of human behavior, and I will tell you that gay couples AND intercultural couples (among many other combinations of people in long-term relationships) are outliers in a social-scientific sense (using a "normal curve"). Does that mean I judge them? Far from it. But I still have to explain the phenomenon when I write reports, etc.

Hope that makes more sense.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Willravel

I happen to think Delish is worldly.

Reese

I don't think it's too odd. I mean, I'm pretty much stuck with having white friends because the population of my town is something like 92% white. Politically correct nazis like to say we're all the same but it's just not true. You can take a random white guy from the suburbs, a random black guy from the inner city, and a random Asian guy from Tokyo and you can pretty much guarantee the differences are more than skin deep. Different races raise their children differently, They have different rules, different punishments, different activities and cultures. People celebrate different holidays. All of these things help people identify with their people of their own race and religion.

Maybe you should look at why your friends are the same race. Are you a white rapper from harlem? That'd give you quite a few black friends. Are you a black republican hanging out at the RNC? I'm sure you'll have a bunch of white friends. All you need is one friend of another race, you'll hang out with their friends that are likely to be the same race as them, sooner or later you've built a group of friends entirely comprised of a ethnicity other than your own.

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jorgelito

Idunno, the race/ethnicity issue is a bit more nuanced I think. It is definitely a slippery slope. There is a very fine line between preference and prejudice creeping towards outright racism, even if it's auto-racism.
-----Added 8/9/2008 at 06 : 45 : 59-----
Not true. You can't sand bag individuals into "they are 'blank' because they are 'blank' race." People can be culturally different sure, but that is flexible. Race, from a phenotypical standpoint is not. I would bet that the three people in your example most likely have more in common than not.

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to the one that endures to the end."

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Reese

Watch a reality show, look at how the groups initially separate. You'll have to pay more attention to the minorities. When they don't know what they have in common, they will be attracted to who they identify with the most based on appearances alone. It's not until the people get paired off or spend time with different people do you see interracial or even intercultural friendships. I'm not saying Blank is Blank because they're or Blank race or at least I didn't mean to say that. I'm just saying, common interests and cultural identity play a big part when choosing how you approach different people. It doesn't have to be about race. I don't identify with "big city folk" because I've been born and raise pretty far outside of any city. There's a town of 12k people 20+ miles away, and nearest town with more than 100k people is more than 60 miles away and it's not even in my home state! If you placed me in a room with some big city metrosexual, or lawyer, or hell anyone wearing more than 1000$ worth of clothes and some redneck looking guy in his camo overalls, even though I don't share the interests of many people around here, I still identify with the redneck and be more likely to befriend him first.
Nothing is that simple though. I don't really choose my friends. They just come along and really there's not much conscious thought on my part what their color is skin is, what their religion is, etc etc.. Common interests like working together, going to the same gym, bar etc etc have a bigger affect than anyone's color or culture.

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“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

jorgelito

Sure, I see where you are coming from. I also agree with your common interests point. But those seem more like cultural types of commonality vs. "race", but you have clarified your point. TFP is a great example of this. I find myself "friends" with many widely diverse peoples on this board despite political differences etc. But since we can't "see" each other, we don't discriminate on race.

__________________
"The race is not always to the swift, nor battle to the strong, but
to the one that endures to the end."

"Demand more from yourself, more than anyone else could ever ask!"

- My recruiter