Abortionplex

the_jazz · Feb 20, 2012

You've all hear about the Abortionplex in Topeka, right? In case you haven't:

TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.

During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation's heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group's long-standing mission and values.
"Although we've traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood's new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it's going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."
"The Abortionplex's high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds," Richards added. "That's almost a million abortions every month. We're so thrilled!"
The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.

Graphical Feature

A Look Inside Planned Parenthood's $8 Billion Abortionplex

The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.
"We really want abortion to become a regular part of women's lives, especially younger women who have enough fertile years ahead of them to potentially have dozens of abortions," said Richards, adding that the Abortionplex would provide shuttle service to and from most residences, schools, and shopping malls in the region. "Our hope is for this facility to become a regular destination where a woman in her second trimester can whoop it up at karaoke and then kick back while we vacuum out the contents of her uterus."
"All women should feel like they have a home at the Abortionplex," Richards continued. "Whether she's a high school junior who doesn't want to go to prom pregnant, a go-getter professional who can't be bothered with the time commitment of raising a child, or a prostitute who knows getting an abortion is the easiest form of birth control—all are welcome."
Nineteen-year-old Marcy Kolrath, one of the Abortionplex's first clients, told reporters that despite her initial hesitancy, she was quickly put at ease by staff members who reassured her that she could have abortions over and over for the next decade before finally committing to motherhood. Kolrath also said she was "wowed" by the facility's many attractions.
"I was kind of on the fence in the beginning," she said. "But after a couple of margaritas and a ride down the lazy river they've got circling the place, I got caught up in the vibe. By the time it was over, I almost wished I could've aborted twins and gotten to stay a little longer."
"I told my boyfriend we had to have sex again that very night," Kolrath added. "I really want to come back over Labor Day."
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Well now it has it's own Yelp review page!

http://www.yelp.com/biz/abortionplex-topeka

greywolf · Feb 20, 2012

You do know that's an Onion piece, don't you?

Baraka_Guru · Feb 20, 2012

This is a thing of beauty. Yet another reason why I love the Internet.

redux · Feb 20, 2012

greywolf said: ↑

You do know that's an Onion piece, don't you?
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Thats what makes the Yelp reviews doubly delicious.

That and the outrage from the true believers , including a republican Congressman, when it first appeared.

Carbonic · Feb 20, 2012

Love it...

Would like to see better return policy or money back guarantee.

Think maybe there's franchising opportunity here?
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Plan9 · Feb 20, 2012

I can't wait to take the little woman down and get the two-for-one special. It's the same price... single or twins.

the_jazz · Feb 21, 2012

greywolf said: ↑

You do know that's an Onion piece, don't you?
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Ummm, yeah.

Did you know that satillite orbiting above your head contains the whole point, don't you?

Freetofly · Feb 21, 2012

Carbonic said: ↑

Love it...
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Oh this was interesting...I never had an opinion on abortion. Still don't, it's none of my business. But I did get a little entertainment out this little ditty.

greywolf · Feb 21, 2012

the_jazz said: ↑

Ummm, yeah.

Did you know that satillite orbiting above your head contains the whole point, don't you?
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Duh... not one of my sharpest moments there, lol. And in a lifetime of missing the point they way I often do, that's saying something.

Speed_Gibson · Feb 21, 2012

Those yelp reviews are hilarious. Anybody that gets all indignant and angry over this is a few cans short of a six pack or out of touch with the internet. The link in the OP was a no-go but a google search for "Abortionplex in Topeka" brought me to a page with the first hit declaring it was on The Onion in very clear terms.

Baraka_Guru · Feb 21, 2012

It is said that a good number of Swift's readers were scandalized on reading his "A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick."

They were scandalized not simply because of its barbaric recommendations but because they took him seriously. They were outraged that someone would suggest something so barbaric as the selling and eating of children as a solution to something so serious as economic hardship. In fact, the public response was so severe that Swift's patronage was put in jeopardy.

This is interesting because it raises questions as to whether a satire succeeds or fails. If it's too convincing to too many people, then perhaps it fails. In the case of the Abortionplex, and in the day and age of the Internet, perhaps it is not a failure to draw out a certain set and have them further reveal their true colours. The rest of us at least know what's going on.

Freetofly · Feb 21, 2012

Baraka_Guru said: ↑

It is said that a good number of Swift's readers were scandalized on reading his "A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick."

They were scandalized not simply because of its barbaric recommendations but because they took him seriously. They were outraged that someone would suggest something so barbaric as the selling and eating of children as a solution to something so serious as economic hardship. In fact, the public response was so severe that Swift's patronage was put in jeopardy.

This is interesting because it raises questions as to whether a satire succeeds or fails. If it's too convincing to too many people, then perhaps it fails. In the case of the Abortionplex, and in the day and age of the Internet, perhaps it is not a failure to draw out a certain set and have them further reveal their true colours. The rest of us at least know what's going on.
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Kinda reminds me of War of the Worlds, that was over a radio show I believe. Aliens are coming, people committing suicide, I think that's how it went. Will have to look it up.

This type of "entertainment" brings true colours out on the ones that can't see more than two feet in front of theirselves.

Speed_Gibson · Feb 21, 2012

Freetofly said: ↑

Kinda reminds me of War of the Worlds, that was over a radio show I believe. Aliens are coming, people committing suicide, I think that's how it went. Will have to look it up.

This type of "entertainment" brings true colours out on the ones that can't see more than two feet in front of theirselves.
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Pertinent thread on this board - <http://www.thetfp.com/threads/1938-war-of-the-worlds.2119/>

Freetofly · Feb 21, 2012

Speed_Gibson said: ↑

Pertinent thread on this board - <http://www.thetfp.com/threads/1938-war-of-the-worlds.2119/>
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Thank you very cool!

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Abortionplex

the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

greywolf Slightly Tilted

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Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

Freetofly Diving deep into the abyss

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