Adult Science Jokes

Murphy's Ten Laws for Experimentalists:

In a scientific experiment,
(1) if something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review;
(2) if the reading on your detector is correct, then you have forgot to plug it in;
(3) if several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time;
(4) if nothing can go wrong with your experiment, something still will;
(5) left unto itself, your experiment will go from bad to worse; on the other hand, if you pay attention to the experiment then it will take three times longer to complete than you thought it would;
(6) Nature is both subtle and malicious (Murphy stole this one from Albert Einstein);
(7) a straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work;
(8) if you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow (experienced experimentalists call this effect "here today, gone tomorrow");
(9) in contrast to a radio, banging your apparatus when you are at peak frustration will not fix it but permanently break it (for this reason, it is important for experimentalists to remain calm at all times);
(10) when your experiment is just about to succeed, you will run out of grant money.

In short, in a scientific experiment, anything that can go wrong will go wrong...

 

In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science questions, of which the following were the funniest:

Teacher: "What is the definition of a protein?'
Student: "A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids."

Teacher: "What kind of tails do opossums have?"
Student: "Reprehensible ones"

Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

Teacher: "How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: "The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours."
Teacher: "That's wishful thinking."

 

THE CHEMIST'S RECIPE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Jeannene Ackerman in Chemical & Engineering News

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr
add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1.
Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation.
Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression
(see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg.
C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

----------------

mmm...Yum
Now I just need with it some female Bos primigenius mammary gland lactation
(pasteurized & cooled to a temperature of 45 deg Fahrenheit, of course)

 

In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science questions, of which the following were the funniest:

Teacher: "What is the definition of a protein?'
Student: "A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids."

Teacher: "What kind of tails do opossums have?"
Student: "Reprehensible ones"

Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

Teacher: "How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: "The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours."
Teacher: "That's wishful thinking..."

 

An eighth-grade science teacher spent a class explaining the difficulties of doing experiments. She discussed such things as background noise, equipment malfunction, conceptual mistakes and so on. At the end of the hour, she summarized the situation rather pessimistically as "Badness comes in waves." The students were then asked to go home, research the topic further and write an essay entitled, "The Difficult Nature of Doing Scientific Experiments." One student wrote a rather good report but ended it with the sentence: "Baldness comes in waves..."

 

I will likely use these. Thanks for sharing.

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Network News Producers Do Not Give Science More Air time:

Number Ten: They are unable to locate file footage of the Big Bang.
Number Nine: They think that high-temperature superconductors are too hot to handle.
Number Eight: El Niño is covered by the weather department.
Number Seven: They already did the O.J. DNA story.
Number Six: They are unable to find information about semiconductors in the music section of the library.
Number Five: They are afraid of reporting on dark matter because they think it is contagious.
Number Four: They are waiting for cold fusion.
Number Three: They think that the greatest scientific achievement is Tang.
Number Two: They wouldn't know the superconducting supercollider from a hole in the ground.

And the number one reason why network news producers do not give science more air time: Scientists are from Mars - Journalists from Venus...

 

Referee report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true..."

 

Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and an experimentalist?

A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while an experimentalist wants more data...

 

This is why I love my wife, she would LOVE this on her dragonlady nails...and know what it meant. (I'm such a nerd horndog... )

 

Q: What did the post doctorate study when he changed fields from particle physics to geology?

A: Earthquarks...

 

The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula
Power = Work / Time

Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain
Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money, one finds
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Therefore, the less you know, the more you make...