How do you know when it's over?

At what point did you realize that the relationship you thought you had is not the one you actually had? When did you get that clarity?

There have been times in my life where it was obvious and surprising. The "break up speech" delivered after a date was a clear and easy sign that my SO was, in fact breaking up with me, and our relationship would no longer romantic.But there have been other moments of clarity where I recognized a relationship had dramatically changed, and I needed to recognize it and deal with it. It did not always have to be a break-up.

 

When my ex moved her convict boyfriend into our home, I was pretty sure it was the end of our marriage. I was right...

Sometimes you don't see the signs because you can't believe they are real.

 

As weird as this sounds...

I was briefly engaged to an adult club owner-- swing, not strip. We were at an orgy and, as the evening progressed, I realized that I couldn't live like that. I didn't want to be around his friends, I didn't want to be playing hostess to sex parties, and I never was going to, no matter how much I wanted to be with him.

And, with that realization, my brain instantly clicked and I knew it was over. Broke our engagement immediately after.

 

It was the middle of the night, and I was pushed away in bed and told, 'I know something is going on.'
There was nothing going on and at that moment all the realities that I had tamped down blossomed into the realization that 'this is doomed, i should not be here.'
It didn't end immediately, but it was never the same.

 

The clearest indication was when I found out that my girlfriend was making out with another guy. Looking back, she was not what I would call a girlfriend but rather the first girl with whom I made out on a regular basis. Necking and feeling breasts is fun but it's really no basis for a relationship.

I am trying to think if I was ever dumped by anyone else. I don't think so.

 

A different kind of relationship - a business one.

After helping each other out with info and ideas for years, a guy I considered a friend changed the whole thing. He said, in not so many words, "I know that you are about to make a big sale. I have the power to kill the deal. Give me 1/3 of what you make on it, or make nothing at all."

The deal didn't get made after all, but not because of him. But I feel more sad than angry that I lost a friend and gained another f'g scumbag associate.

 

When u find out he hasn't paid the mortgage in four months and has been hiding your mail from the bank. And was quite happy to make his wife and two kids homeless rather than fess up that instead of being in work he was in the pub all day where he spent the mortgage money.
That sorta killed it for me.

 

I had the experience of relaying a conversation I had with my boss to a trusted colleague. They took out my context, and broke down the coversation to the point where I could immediately see the pointed out pathological behavior showing up.

It was when that I had no qualms getting out from under someone who could not take responsibility for his employees and their work.

 

It's all, honestly, it's after the fact reinforcement for me:

In the moment (of final break-up):
We were discussing thoughts / philosophy on raising dogs (having just gotten 2 puppies). She comes from a family that's never kept a dog from purchase/adoption to death... always having strays and litters abound. I come from a dog training family, knowing several breeders, and have kept every dog from life/adoption/purchase to death.

Conversation somehow turned ugly. She was standing over me, pointing at me... you know... one of those whole unacceptable kind of situations. I'm sitting there talking calmly and smirking at the erratic behavior (only really egged it on, but I don't know how to respond to people acting irrationally like this). Out of the blue she starts busting out with random degrading comments, one of them being: "You know why you're here, you know what I tell my friends and family [who don't like me]: You're a charity case."

I just up and left, picked-up my stuff and came back to my place. That's right. I was living at her place, paying bills AND maintaining my own place. Historically: Because she'd kicked me out over similarly petty stuff before. Crazy-stupid arguments.

After-the-fact reinforcement:
In any case, come into contact with one of her "friends," and separately a co-worker, a few months later... what she tells them about what goes down in situations is entirely different from what has actually happened. Friends thought everything was good. Co-worker was told that I was verbally abusive. Didn't mean to hurt her or anything, but, told her co-worker that it was a conversation over dog rearing that turned ugly, and she was standing over me, pointing at me, throwing insults, and I picked-up and left. Co-worker was kinda flabbergasted. Friend, similarly unimpressed. Family doesn't care shit about it... only time they cared was when shit came out publicly about her erratic behavior when her ex-husband divorced her. From there on in, they've turned a blind eye and don't care. (They're a bunch of dim-wit deep-southerners from Mississippi in the US; only thing that matters to them is family, nice to your face, but back-stabbing southern-hospitality otherwise.) Friend thought I'd left owing her for the last month's rent & utilities that I was there... my re-direct was this: I not only had and was maintaining my own place, on top of paying rent & bills living at her place, but she'd called me a charity case, and when she came hand-out, I told her that's what she could tell her friends & family: That she'd called me a charity case, and I wasn't going to squander another dime on her. If I'm a charity case, why am I paying rent & utilities at two places? (There's a whole lot more to it than this, such as her draining me in other ways through our on-off-relationship; splitting costs of her kids, I don't have any of my own, etc... She kept my coffee grinder & plunger, etc... ) Her friend kinda gave that "WTF" reaction, same as the co-worker... like... didn't know what to say... hadn't heard that before, wasn't aware of it. That friend, I don't think, has anything to do with her anymore...

Backtrack... I maintain I'm better than her, I admit my faults:
I threw one insult back at her on my way out the door: She'd said to me, "your stupid." I replied with: "Where were you born & raised? When have you ever had to put a dog down?"

That was an on-and-off relationship. It was over before it was over-over. I'm one of those committed type, and it's a bit of a fault of mine. I'd rather not be searching for someone new, and keep to myself (as in right now) for periods of time between finding the right person.

Funny thing is, though my most recent ex turned out to be "bat shit crazy" like her mother before her... my family hated her, though she was more sane than my previous ex, and my previous ex was crazier than that, but my family loved her. (Also another reason I keep to myself, I think I tend to attract / get involved with the wrong type.) Weird.

* Note: Ex as in "girlfriend" ... I've never been married, don't think I ever will be. Kinda-sorta too wrapped-up in my work all too often, and it doesn't go over well in relationships. However, never had a dog leave me
--- merged: Jun 10, 2012 at 4:38 AM ---
Clarity, in a summary is this:

Someone standing over you, pointing at you... talking trash, rather than having a reasonable conversation, can't calm down... and tells everyone around her different stories to hide the fact she's unstable.

 

I have often wonder "How do you know when it's over"? Being married for 30 years, one guy since 17. We have had our downs, downs, downs and ups if you will. Most recently we have been working on me staying.
I deal with his drinking and the vebal abuse still, but what's different is I speak up now.
I set up family counseling for us-- he didn't go-- I went alone for a little while--he doesn't need it he says-- "Family Counseling" is for family, hmm...lol
He thinks I have totally lost it.
I'm sure it's a shock to him, so I'm giving him the chance to catch up to me and being very open with what makes me happy for once.
I have changed and I'm no longer stuck in a codependency relationship with life.

Will have to see what this year brings; it's definitely not easy, but I do feel pretty damn good amount everything.

 

I managed twenty years (we met when I was 18) but it sucked my life force right out of me. Was a huge scary decision to make but once i made it I felt this huge sense of relief. I knew it was the right thing to do. It was NOT easy in anyway and it will take me awhile to sort things out (legal, financial, emotional) but so so so worth it to find some peace and to find me again.

I could never stand being second best to alcohol. I stayed this long as I felt the kids needed a dad in their lives, in hindsight I should have done it years ago.

 

I understand what you are saying and I got that feeling just a few weeks ago " huge sense of relief". I believe it's because I'm moving into this new direction. Will keep you updated.

 

You hit the nail on the head right there.

Years stuck in a wrong marriage, where I would peacefully try to work out with him the details of my unhappiness. Coming to realize that he essentially saw marriage as a manner which he could do whatever he wished but one that I was bound in and couldn't leave. I actually overheard a comment once where he stated so bluntly, "It's not like she is going to divorce me or something." He was correct, it was a minute issue but his philosophy of doing what he wished because I wasn't going to leave lost its luster with me. One fine morning, 16 years later. Seeing that I was living day by day, not the doting, endearing, all-too-forgiving wife of past years he offered me a choice. I was headed out the door to work and he said, "divorce or counseling, which will it be?"

I had a "fuck-this" moment, after years of attempting to work things out and given 2 minutes to decide the fate of my relationship. I realized that given my 2 minutes to decide he obviously wasn't interested in investing much. The cold, intellectual part of me spoke up, I said fine.. lets divorce. He was quite shocked. He begged me to change my mind. I went to work 170 pounds lighter that day. I realized how miserable I had been and how suddenly happy I could be.

 

Exactly my thought. I tend to be pretty easy-going about things, I let a lot of things go. I realize that I have my faults as well, everyone has faults. It is the faults that cause issues that are the problem for me. Little things like, call to let me know if you are going out after work. Don't act like a pissy teenager, I am not asking you to seek my permission. You are a married adult with a family, you need to let them know so they know you are okay. Simple courtesy, not unreasonable. Waking on a Saturday morning to find you had decided to go out of town camping with friends and not inform me, not cool. Especially when you took our only car and left me unable to prepare for the lack of a vehicle with a child to care for. I am not talking simple, absent-minded mistakes(leaving socks on the floor, not capping the toothpaste tube) my issues were clear issues of respect.

I can deal with a lot but when a person is expecting my 100% devotion, compassion etc and in return doesn't give the slightest bit of respect in return, I am done.

 

I know it sounds like a stupid way to confirm your suspicions, but I found out when I read my ex-wife's diary. The most memorable part was the mini-argument that happened in the middle of the following confrontation:

The pathetic thing is that I was still tried to get her to stick around and go to counseling with me and work things out. And then I went to Iraq again and I guess it was easier for her to leave when I wasn't actually there to see her go. Anyways, moral of the story is, realize when things are irretrievably broken and save yourself some time and heartache by letting them go cleanly.

 

When it's over?

When you are sitting across the table from him thinking of all the places you'd rather be without him knowing that he is doing the same.