Basically, am I a selfish bitch?

So the eagerness is showing?

 

Wait, am I supposed to respond to that?

Mmm, it seems like a trick question.

Like maybe the_jazz set it up.

 

The Ladder Theory

Also, I strongly suspect that this is all far less important than you think. You could, of course, just use him sexually. He probably wouldn't mind. Or is he on too low a rung? If so, just keep it a secret.

 

Oh, man... all sorts of flashbacks to TFP 4.0. God, I was so young. And so dumb. And so full of pudding.

 

And now you're just full of cereal and domestic slavery.

pumpkin, I have all the answers. It will be one of these: invite him over to your place - when he shows up, offer him the opportunity to a) immediately head to church, b) watch "Steel Magnolias", c) the opportunity to help shave your nether regions or d) you pound him silly with a strap-on while you wear a movie-quality Chewbacca mask.

Or e) as many people have suggested, talk to the boy.

You'll have your answer. Maybe you'll even figure out why you had those feelings in the first place then lost them. That seems like THE most important question here, but I'm a well-known idiot.

 

In my experience, it's probably better to have that convo. But I'd do in a light-hearted way, not "We need to talk... dun dun dun!"
I met one of my best friends 4 years ago, and he was initially attracted to me. But since we got along SO well and just like you said, got each other, I ignored his attraction for 2 years. Ignored the flirting comments or just laughed, ignored him telling me how hot I was, etc. because everything else in our friendship was perfect and friends like that don't come around every day. One day we were hanging out somewhere and he came right out and said, "You don't think you could ever look at me in that way?" I finally said no, never. I love him and he's one of my closest friends, but the flirting and attraction made some moments uncomfortable in the beginning. You could avoid that if you get it out of the way earlier than I did, lol. And as it turned out, the caring and respect that we had built in our friendship made it so that blow to him wasn't a deal-breaker. If he cares about you, and it sounds like he does, you won't lose him.

 

I'm...not seeing a problem here. I've never seen myself as a selfish bitch, but, um, now I'm starting to wonder.

I mean, unless he's pushing for a relationship, or standing under your window with a boombox over his head blaring Peter Gabriel, why do you feel the need to tell him, "hey, we're totally in the Friend Zone here!" Because I'm pretty sure he knows.

There's nothing wrong with friendly flirting. Unless you're sticking your tongue down his throat periodically, he probably gets it.

 

This is dangerous thinking. Never underestimate how horny and delusional a (young) man can be. Regardless of how you feel, he may always believe that one day... maybe one day... she'll come around.

 

Second that.

 

I do get your point, and I do understand that flirting can be taken too far, or taken the wrong way. But if he's delusional, that's not really my (or her) problem. I'm pretty upfront on whether I want to go to bed with someone or not.

Then again, I'm 31. It's been a really long time since I've tried, or wanted, to play head games with anyone.

 

That makes 2 of us.

 

NO YOU'RE NOT! You still have a few more days until you're 31.

Sorry, I really don't have anything to add as I just wanted to point out that my BFF isn't 31 yet. No advice since I'm in my 30s and I'm acting like a complete moron in the dating world with a giddy school girl crush.

I agree with 99% of the people on here. The other 1% is the_jazz.

 

While it may not be "her problem," if she cares for him, she may want to take that into consideration.

As to your second point, I just hit 37, so I hear ya.

 

I think the question answers itself. If you were a selfish bitch, you would not give a whit about his feelings. Clearly you do.

My impression is that you have something you are afraid to give up in your friendship, but you are concerned that by not giving it up you deny each of you the opportunity to find what you do not now have.

At 18, you do not yet have the life experience to face hard truths that may end friendships, but take it from an old codger, the best and fairest course of action is to sit down with your friend, tell him you love him but do not feel attracted and have no desire to pursue intimacy. Tell him you value your friendship and do not want to lose it, but will understand if he can't see you without the hope that intimacy may one day come. Then nobody is stringing anybody along, and it is his choice, as much as it is yours.

 

It really IS possible for a man and a woman to be very good, supportive, platonic friends for a long period of time. It's just not very likely, and less so I think at 18. On the other hand, sometimes great love doesn't start with chest-tightening, mind-numbing passion. It can grow over time.

Do not lose this guy because it's not right, right now. Do talk to him, and make sure that he knows he is in your friendzone at the moment, but that he should never say never. That isn't stringing him along, and if he chooses to still try to move beyond that, he knows what he's facing.

As for the the consistent thread that you're only 18... hey, that's not your fault. Blame your parents. But do realise that you have a lot of life to live and experience yet. It's not that we're trying to say your feelings (or his) are any less intense or important... they are probably even more so at your age. Just remember that the wisdom of good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgement.

 

But I think I'm selfish for not wanting to have that conversation because then he may not want to carry on our relationship
--- merged: Apr 17, 2012 at 1:02 PM ---

I just think he'll choose to still like me and therefore hurt himself and although it technically wouldn't be my fault I would still feel bad. The best thing I could do for him would be for me to end the relationship now but I'm far to selfish too.

Oh I do.

 

If the conversation ends the relationship, then it was a lie to start with. Do you really want a dishonest 'friendship'?

I am 44, but I am not so cynical to think that even young adults cannot be friends, even when there is un-shared physical attraction ( but I'm kind of an odd dude ;-) ). I had several female friends in college that I knew I was never going to be physically involved with. I enjoyed their company, and got my pleasure elsewhere. Those friendships usually went on the back burner when a serious relationship ( with heavy petting ) came along, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. The same happened when they were hip deep in their own romance.