Adult Science Jokes

An English major at a university was taking an astronomy course to satisfy the science requirement. During the last lecture of the semester, the professor spoke about some of the more exotic objects in the universe including black holes. Despite his teacher's enthusiasm, the student showed no interest, as was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester. When the bell rang, the student turned to his friend and said, "The prof says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck."

 

There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.

 

An astronomy major had a part time job working in the university's off-campus housing office. One day, a fellow student, upon entering the office in thought about the morning lecture, asked, "What is an astronomical unit?" To which the astronomy major replied, "One helluva big apartment."

 

There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals.

Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton's third law.

 

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division...

 

A byte comes into a bar, looking disheveled...
Bartender asks, "What happened to you?"
The byte replies, "Parity error."
Bartender nods his head, "Yeah, you looked a bit off".

 

A TV viewer sent a headline to the Jay Leno Tonight Show that read "Integration of Physics into Cellular Biology Leads to Epidermal Solar Cells with Growth Vectors."

 

Rogue Tech is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.

 

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures...

 

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

Actual title of a Bovine Genomics white paper:

Bovine Genomic Sequencing Initiative
Cattle-izing the Human Genome

 

Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans...

 

An electrical engineer, a physicist, and a civil engineer are arguing about the nature of God.

The physicist says,
"Look at the intricate nature of bones and muscles. The grace of a dancer. The agility of a weaver. God must surely be a physicist.

The electrical engineer scoffs and insists that God must be an EE.
"That is all controlled by the brain, the heart of what it means to be human, surely neurons and synapses and impulses are the work of an electrical engineer"

The civil engineer shakes his head and says,
"Nope...God must be a civil engineer. Who else would run the body's main sewer line right through the primary recreational area?"

 

It is well known that the blood contains white cells and red cells. But it is not so well known that white cells come in husband and wife forms. Evidence for this came when the renown medical researcher Dr. Sanguine listened to blood with a tiny microphone and heard a white wife cell say, "The way to a man's heart in through his veins..."

 

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one approaches the counter and asks for a pint of beer...
The second mathematician asks for a half pint...
The third mathematician asks for a quarter pint...

The bartender says "you guys are assholes" and pours two pints.

 

And the way away from his heart is through his arteries.

 

A mycobiont walks into a bar and starts hitting on a gorgeous cyanobacterium. She turns him down. But he doesn't want to give up, so he pushes her a little more. Her reply: "I'm not lichen this." His response? "C'mon lady, I'm a fungi."

 

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book...