Requesting advice about a phone-related relationship issue

Hi everyone. Thanks for reading this! I figured the TFP is as good a place as any to go for reasoned wise and diverse advice, so here's my problem.

My girlfriend irritates the shit out of me by using her phone to either take or make calls when we go out to eat. I'm finding it hard to know how to react. Any attempt to talk about it will have me sounding like a stuck-up old grouch. I haven't liked how I sounded at all when I broached the subject in the past. But I don't think I'm being a jerk for not wanting to put up with something like this.

Some background and details. We are both 28. Together about 8 months. She keeps her own place but we practically live together at mine. Scarcely anything she does irritates me to the extent this phone thing does. I'm British, she's Vietnamese and we live in Vietnam (her English is fluent). So there could be a culture thing to consider. Maybe it's totally acceptable to do what she does here. That's what half of me thinks. The other half thinks: fuck that, rude is rude wherever you come from and chatting on the phone when you're with ONE OTHER person, relationship or no,in a restaurant is plain rude full stop. Isn't it? Shouldn't that other person who is, you know, actually present, always take precedent over anyone that might call or be called? Is it old-fashioned to say please do that shit later when I don't have to sit there like a dummy listening to you babble?

An emergency, fair enough. You have to meet someone soon, fair enough. If you have to speak, do it quick, finish it, fine. But calling someone for a CHAT? For ten minutes, continuing even after the food arrives, while you eat? No way. Today when it happened I was mad but acted pretty cool about it because I was in a good mood and I didn't want to fight BUT I need a better plan for next time. There have been times I felt like grabbing the phone and throwing it as hard as I can into whatever hard surface was nearby. I can control myself so that won't ever happen but I don't really want those sorts of thoughts going through my head.

Lastly a bit about me to provide context. There's no way to say something like, how would you like it if I did the same thing?" because I hate to talk on the phone. I often leave mine at home when I go out. I don't want to unexpectedly have to speak to someone on the phone when I'm out doing something. I'll look at the missed calls later and, depending who it was, maybe call them back. Nothing I do or anyone I know does is urgent enough that I have to be contactable at a moment's notice. That explain my reacting badly in the situation outlined above.

Thanks again for reading and for any advice.

 

Thanks Borla. Yes, the last time I spoke to her about it was right as it happened, like you said probably not the best time. Some aunt from Germany called as we were finishing and she cursed as if she didn't want to answer it but did so anyway. It went on and on until it was time to get the bill and she sort of motioned for me to get it while continuing the conversation. I said no, end it first making that gesture with my hand across my neck to make my meaning clear. Eventually she did and we got the bill and I more or less asked her why she thought it's ok to do that. She said it's her aunt calling from miles away, so what could she do? Making it sound like she didn't really want to talk to her at that moment but felt some sort of obligation. I said it doesn't make a difference, just ignore it and call back later. Say you were in the shower or whatever. It's what I would do if someone decided to call me from thousands of miles away. That was just a few days ago.

I think I may try out your idea about talking to her. It sounds a hundred percent sensible and reasonable as you write it. No doubt it's sound advice but I feel like I may have trouble, after saying some things I like and why, explaining the issue out of context without sounding condescending. My general tendency is to be flippant or facetious; a totally straight-faced and serious talk like you suggest might feel unnatural or rehearsed (which I guess it is!). Nonetheless I think I'll try it or something like it. And I'm absolutely ready to hear something she wants me to adjust: that would be great. Normally if I do something wrong (or "wrong") I have to figure out what it was on my own.

And thanks again. If we talk about it I'll post back on here and let you know how it went.

 

Borla gave the same advice I would have. I might take it a step further though, as I also feel it's quite a rude thing to do when you are in the company of someone else who is supposedly important to you.

Once she knows, in no uncertain terms, how you feel about her carrying on long conversations when you and she are out together as a couple, I would let her know that you won't continue to tolerate it. I'm not advising you threaten to end the relationship, but if it were me, I would threaten to walk away from the situation the next time it happened and follow through on that "threat". If it's in a restaurant and the food has just arrived, I would ask the waiter to box mine to go, pay the bill, provide her with cash for a cab home if she has none, and leave.

I've seen this bizarre habit of behavior developing in so many people in this day of easy access to telephones. I can't explain it as I don't suffer from it myself, but I can recognize that it's occurring. As with all addictive habits, the one who has the habit usually can't see its impact on themselves or others. It's often left to those around them to point it out to them and often, it sometimes requires a harsh and very pointed response to the behavior, when simple pleas fail to be effective.

If you love her, you will do whatever is necessary to break her of this habit.

 

basically this^ as long as it doesn't seem hostile or malicious. It's just the plain and simple idea getting through that "I don't like what you're doing here and I'm not going to put up with it"

 

Yes, a bit of tough love. The operative word being "love."

 

The whole urgency of taking calls because the phone squawks is a little baffling.
If long-lost auntie walked into the restaurant and saw the two of you having an intimate dinner she probably would know enough not to come over, monopolize your SO's attention and ruin your evening.
So why have her do it by phone?

 

I wouldn't put up with it, at all. Tell her you won't and when she ignores this, tell her goodbye. My brother is dating a woman who live on her cell. It's frickin' rude to be texting and talking on a phone when you are in a social situation with other people. The only reason he puts up with it is because he doesn't really like her anyway. She apparently provides head pretty well. Ain't worth it to me.

 

^ I like that game. I'd never lose.

 

Thanks for your comments everyone. First a couple of things I didn't mention already. I've realised when people read "eating out in a restaurant" they may see this as a bigger deal than it is. Where I am, eating out is super cheap and I don't have a real kitchen at home so we eat out literally every day. I have no idea if she would be more reluctant to use the phone if we only ate out, say, once every two weeks or something. Second, although my girlfriend speaks fluent English, when she's on the phone it's generally Vietnamese. Which of course I just hear as noise. I don't care at all about hearing and understanding her conversations - I'm often glad I can't - but it can get rather loud and animated and when it's over I often get to hear her interpretation of whatever petty BS is going on with that person. All of which is totally fine UNLESS we're eating out, in which case it only exacerbates what's already, for me, a bad situation.

Yesterday I spoke to her about the issue, though not quite in the way Borla recommended. I couldn't see a way of doing that without feeling and sounding disingenuous - which is not to say I think that method is flawed, rather I am. As we were getting ready to leave to go and eat I said something casual like, would you do me a favour please? Leave your phone at home. (Knowing that this was pretty unrealistic. To her it must have sounded downright ridiculous) Or if you can't do that, try to ignore it if it rings. She asked if it's ok to speak to someone if she says something like "oh, sorry, I have to take this" before she answers. I said I guess that's a little better but doesn't really make a difference if she's still going to chat to some fucker for ten minutes. (I didn't say fucker.) Then she asked if it's some kind of English politeness thing not to do that. I said I think it's a politeness thing the world over. She looked at me, clearly baffled, and shrugged it off with "whatever".

Like I said there are many, many great things about this girl. To say she's headstrong and stubborn (about everything, not just this) would be an understatement and I know that by now and I've got used to it. Sometimes it's attractive. But it means it's fucking hard for her ever to concede anything - whereas I'll generally give in quickly on most points just to avoid a futile argument. But not this one. Looking at it through her eyes I guess that might be unusual, unreasonable even, and hard to get used to. After we sat down and had ordered she got out her phone and then looked at me saying "oh, I'm sorry, is it ok for me to look at messages and things?"* Remembering to keep smiling I said, you do whatever you like with the phone, my dear, but if you start talking to it I'm going to leave, and I will not come back.

That was yesterday. I didn't have to leave, although I was ready to. I think (I hope) if that started to happen she would end it, call me to come back, I would and then she'd be mad for a bit. She seemed a bit down after I said my ultimatum (is that the right word?) but afterwards we went to some shopping place she wanted to go and I didn't and she was fine.
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*To me, fiddling with a phone for any reason is pretty irritating too but I don't see it as as bad as an actual private conversation. Also since we are in each other's company most of the hours of the day I can accept it as we can sometimes run out of things to talk about.

 

I think you are working way harder in this relationship than she is.

I think she has a problem with boundaries being set for her by anyone else but her..meaning, not just with authority members but romantic partners as well.

I think she is narcissistic in that she cant fathom why you are bothering her with yours needs

I think she relies on you conceding to her...and this phone thing isnt just about the phone, its about how far she can push you into condensation...which loosely translates into whether or not you will remain her doormat.

I think the reason she was fine afterwards is because you both went shopping. My guess is, you bought her something? Please say you didnt. Otherwise, you are establishing protocol/paying ransom, for what you must do in order to get your needs met.

I think, seriously, you are working way harder in the relationship than she is...which was my first statement..and you need to really see that this really is about far more than just the phone...

 

Some of that sounds spot on Tasineah, thanks for your analysis. I didn't buy her anything. What you say about boundaries could be true. She likes to think of herself as very independent and strong which I guess she is, compared with most other females of her culture. When I mention something I'm not happy with, like the phone thing, she'll sometimes say something like I sound like a dictator or her dad (who she's estranged from and who was apparently pretty strict and mean to her). That can be frustrating.

But apart from a couple of other unrelated issues we had/have that are pretty much dormant for now, I can't think of another thing that makes me a doormat. I do concede petty bullshit things or dodge the subject for the sake of avoiding arguments - I don't think that's unusual or a cause for concern - but if she persists and it starts to grate I'll let her know. If it is about more than just the phone I'm not sure what exactly.

 

If she wants to be strong and independent, then you should do her the favor of giving her her freedom. She doesn't respect you. That won't change.

The line about dictator and dad is nothing but pure manipulation.

 

tfp relationship cureall: communication

 

If it were me I would probably give her a taste of her own medicine. I'd wait until she had something important to her to communicate with me and then immediately whip out my cell and call... oh I don't know... my mom and be sure to say "I'm fine. Bored. Just called to chat..." and turn my back to her while I chatted away some horribly too long period of time. An Eye for an Eye is not generally my philosophy but in this instance I tihnk it would work best. just MHO

 

Sorry man but if you don't get some nads this is hopeless.
You decide beforehand what your threshold for getting up and walking out is.
If/when that line gets crossed you get up, walk out, and don't look back.

 

You are already a more patient man than i... that shit wouldnt fly wiht this guy, and there probably would have never been another date after the first occurance. If you are dating to find your life mate, then you need to be that person's focus when you are together at minimum, and by 8 months in, should be a primary concern during many decisions, together or not...

That being said, if she cant even stay focused on you through one meal??? WTF? i'm not going to give you advice, just my viewpoint if it were me.

Like Borla said above though, prompt and direct communication is important in any disagreement...