Distance Dating

Ok, so any advice would be interesting to receive. I have been single for many years following an unexpected divorce. I joined an online dating service and after a while a great gal contacted me. The thing is we live 2200 miles apart. We have been chatting and talking for about a month now, and last night we started talking about my traveling to her area for a long weekend. I don't mind spending the money, but here is the thing. My kids live in my area, and there is no way they are moving any time soon. The gal I am talking with is divorced and can't leave her area as she has to keep her kids near her ex. So neither of us can move. Is there any reason to pursue this relationship? We enjoy our conversations and greatly enjoy what we can with each other, but I am having trouble seeing a future.

Any thoughts?

 

While it is great that you found a connection with someone online, relationships only work if you are actually in another person's life. There is no substitute for being there. All you will get from maintaining an E-relationship is a roller coaster of frustration and loneliness punctuated by brief manic moments. A relationship that involves spending several hundred dollars to visit the other person will also force you to allocate resources better used elsewhere. You should use dating sites like OkCupid and PlentyOfFish to find women in your area that you can interact with in meat space.

Basically: If you can't hit it, you need to quit it.

I speak from experience. I tried desperately to maintain a LDR while I was in the military. Neither of us had the time or money to visit each other regularly enough to make it work. In the end it was better to cut our losses. You can find love anywhere, man... so why not make it local?

 

How old are the kids? Will they be independent any time soon?

How important is it to have a future?

Do you even know yet (and does she?) that you want a long-term thing and exclusivity?

 

I agree. Dating sites should be for finding people in your area. Don't waste your time with people who live outside of a 1/2 day's driving distance. Even that much is a maybe no kind of thing.

I hate to sound harsh and I am sure that many people have found fabulous LTRs with people who initially lived on the other side of the country, but I would imagine those people had more workable situations...like no children. The way you describe your situation, it is not workable and you're just leading yourself into a world of anxiety and pain. Not to mention, cutting yourself off from opportunities with people you can actually touch more than once or twice a year.

Also, online romance can be very illusory. It's so exhilarating to think you found this fabulous person whose fabulous words and webcam manner just scream 'perfect for me!' But it's not the same as real. Best to keep that in mind.

 

I really appreciate your well thought out and expressed answers. Thanks! You are echoing my very own thoughts. This morning I kinda woke up to the reality that this is just a fantasy we are both living in that we can have some kind of future. Both our kids are young (school age) and independence or movement for any of them is not at all likely.

It helps to hear others saying exactly what I was beginning to think myself, you have helped confirm a decision to talk with her about the limited future we have.

 

i would even suggest dropping the online account altogether... sometimes it may work where u find a local, or someone that can move... but ultimately its almost just a source of shattered hopes...

look into community involvement, and see who you meet. Clubs, Volunteerism, and Arts are all win win situations... not only are those kinds of activities good for you individually, but they also create an opportunity to network, and meet people... maybe women people...

 

Here's my own experience. I met and fell in love with an amazing woman, seriously amazing. She is a member here. Probably the catch of a life. Reality is, she lives on the other side of the country...literally we are on opposite coasts of the US. We spent some time together, that time is among my fondest memories. I still love that girl, probably always will, however, reality is, she lives there, and I live here. She has reasons she needs to stay there, I have reasons I need to stay here. It just doesn't work. Those who saw the pictures of us together, could see that we truly loved each other. Seeing each other for a few days every few months, is just not worth it to me. I want to come home at the end of the day, and relax with the woman I love.

I'm not saying it can't work, I'm saying there are a lot of obstacles to overcome, and in my experience, no matter how much her and I loved each other, those obstacles were too great. YMMV

 

I entertained the idea of a LDR when I moved from Ohio to Oregon. I knew I wasn't going to move back to Ohio anytime soon if at all, and knew G wouldn't move to Oregon. Neither one of us have kids, just different life priorities. I love him dearly and he will always be someone important to me. I just didn't want to ruin that with the stress of trying to stay together being separated by 2400 miles.

G and I had the pleasure of actually living in the same area when we first met and dated. You don't have that. I imagine this situation to be much more difficult.

 

I met a wonderful woman on-line during a bad period, and we hit it off, despite being 2000 miles apart. It was very intense, but strangely morphed into a much different relationship that drifted apart, back together, apart, back. I still count her as a dear friend.

But... it was impossible to maintain an intense relationship at a distance of the sort you seem to want. Friendship at a distance works, passion fades I think.

 

I would argue the opposite. Meeting people in person is a source of shattered hopes. You see each other, you're physically attracted, then you find out that you can't stand each other after the first date. Meet them online and you can cross off a few dealbreakers before you even talk.

 

touche'...

 

For the sake of balance, I should say that LDRs can work. That is not to say that I'd choose one if I had the choice, but sometimes they choose you.

I have been in a LDR for nearly 4 years with someone who lives in another country. She posts here. We talk daily (almost) and see each other as often as possible .. which is about every 3 months.

The LD part is almost over because she will be free to join me in a few months, and it will be a great relief when we no longer have to Skype and travel to make this work.

It's challenging. It requires a lot of honest communication and genuine commitment. That communication needs to be verbal as body language doesn't work fully when you aren't together, even on Skype. When things aren't all great (as can happen in all relationships from time to time) it can be difficult to have to verbalise every last detail of how you feel and it can be difficult to hear it - but, if you can do it, it strengthens the relationship, I think.

I'm not recommending that the OP follows this path, just saying that it can work .. but it's not an easy road and won't be for everyone.

 

Your newsletter. How do I subscribe?

 

You don't. I'm a moron that barely made it out of high school alive.

 

With all due respect to Plan9 's failed LDR, as Alistair said: LDRs can work. And as he said, it takes good, open communication and real commitment to make it work.

I am finding the "other side of the nation" argument against your LDR silly, since I'm moving my fiancée to the other side of the world. It's not a viable argument. As they say "When there's a will, there's a way."

When I look at this thread, all I see is the amount of patience and willingness to invest time into the relationship that people in this Thread have. For example, my fiancée and I have been in an LDR now for almost 2 years and only see each other once or twice a year because of my workload.

If you can't wait, all the best in your search.

The one real argument against your LDR that I see here, is the stage it is in right now. Your relationship is only one month old, as such it can't be very well developed and I seriously doubt you are able to assess how you two are going to get along in the long-term from this one month of chatting.

However, that assessment is subjective. Right now, the onus is on your emotions. If you like her enough that you're willing to put the effort into a temporary LDR (at some point, both your kids will eventually become independent) and see each other a limited amount of times, then I'd say go for it. If you feel it's a waste of time and the risk is too high to pursue it, then don't.

 

BS on the moron part. You seem to have learned something from life. High school sucked for all but a few.

 

I've tried far too many LDR's (that originated from non-LDR's), and they all flopped fantastically. Even if you're devoted to it, the person on the opposite side often lacks such dedication.

So, talk dirty for a bit, get nudes, save to HD, then break it off.