If you were to die tomorrow, did you lead the life you wanted to live?

Short answer no. Long answer, HELL NO.

I've always thought I was born a decade or two late. I missed the Swinging 70's with the free love and all that. Being a horn dog with social anxiety sucks.

I wish I would have started dating earlier than I did.

I wish I wasn't as shy and withdrawn as I've been all my life.

It would have been nice to get help with my depression sooner.

I should have released all the stories in my head and found more time to write.

Oh, let's not forget sticking to a workout plan. Yeah, failed that miserably several times.

I got lost for about 20 years after my dad died. It was sudden and I was in my teens. Talk about your rudderless boat. Although, had he not died, I never would have met my wife. Long story.

I wish I would have been braver about trying new things and meeting new people.

I mean, I've had a pretty good life but it just bugs me I was so shy and anxious most of my life. I missed out on a lot of fun things to do and see.

 

No.

The inscription on my cremains urn, or possibly written on a piece of masking tape on a coffee can, will read:

My Full Name was born, lead a mediocre and insignificant life, and died. He was noticed by few, and will be missed by fewer.

 

You would be missed by us.

 

A few folks, perhaps. My previous sabbaticals went pretty much unnoticed.

A thought: Being the king of mediocrity is meaningless, nobody pays attention to mediocrity.

 

The point of this life seems to be self reflection and betterment, to become something more than we were. Being loved by the few is more than and deeper than by the many. I do not know what the life "I wanted to live" even means to be honest but the one I have would be what I wanted.

 

At the end of the day as long as my wife and daughter know that i love them, and they have what they need, im ok. everything i do is for them. my daughter knows what kind of person i am and my wife knows i give it my all.

im old school, my word is better than a contract, and they know it.

 

This is heavy, @cynthetiq, but it's a very real consideration in our lives today. Being a regular participant in somewhat risky hobby (cycling), I think often about how people I know and connect with virtually might end up hearing about me being involved in a life-altering—or life ending—event when the only channel of connection between myself and those folks is me.

I noticed recently, for the first time, that our TFP profiles have space to include various social media profiles. In the past, having wanted to maintain a disconnect between my presence here and the outside world, I'd always hesitated to fill those in, thinking they'd somehow reveal a link between who I am here and who I am out there (which, to be honest, isn't really all that different). That being said, it's kind of a moot point since I am already connected with several TFPers on Facebook, and if anything serious were to happen, I'm sure word of it would somehow end up there. But this has clearly given me something to think about.

/threadjack

Back on topic: growing up as an outcast nerd kid with few friends at my school, I used to intersperse my revenge fantasies—performing onstage at Carnegie Hall in front of my dipshit bully classmates who would invariably bow down and grovel before me at the end of the show—with fantasies about how I'd be remembered if I died, or killed myself. I guess that question, of how you would want to be, or how you think you might be, remembered after your passing, is closely related to the question posed by the OP. I think my answer now might be a lot different than it was back then.

 

I appreciate the concern, and the post.

I usually only invite myself to my pity parties.

If it isn't too personal, or painful, what happened with person at their computer? We've had some deaths around here, the one that hits me the hardest is speedgibson, mostly because we were active at the same time, and I used to put in weird hours doing shift work.

 

Damn this is a good question. I'd have unfinished business. Life is a journey. And while I know I've taken some detours to get to where I am, I know I'm not where I want to end up. It's not bad, comfortable and surrounded by family but not entirely happy because there's so much more I want to do. I'm also actively pursuing it. So tomorrow would be too sudden. A "good life"? Sure. A "fulfilled life"? No.

 

I would say yes and no.
I see life as broken, or sectioned into bits like work, personal persuits and partnership.
I also have taken life as a serendipitous ride of sorts, making best use of my talents for work as I go along, following my personal interest as I go and as far as partnership goes just waiting for people to show up who are interested and seeing where it goes.

It's the partnership part that failed. I'm not agressive. I don't chase. I'm not even sure if it's cool to say..hey you look awesome today for concern that, looks are the main value women bring to the table. Me too makes me feel kind of disgusted with my gender.
I'm also fairly clueless when a woman may be interested but isn't overtly stating interest.
This is all pretty sad because I'm quite nice looking, kind, talented, useful in practical ways of building (metal fab and construction) educated and well employed.
I read that, one needs to be more Alpha, more ass hole, think.more with your dick..
But I feel like that's disingenuous and I don't believe in setting up false reality because I wouldn't want that myself.
At 58 I don't even know what cohabitation is like. Being an only child of an alcoholic I grew up alone quite a bit because mom was black out drunk most every night from ..6th grade till I was 35-40. So I'm sure that had something to do with it. Mom and I had 15-20 years after she got sober so that relationship did have a positive time and ending. It was like a storm passed and all was well again. I just never saw value in holding on to anger.

I don't feel bad about how things have gone or where I'm at but I do wish I had a clue how to find a relationship with a real partner. Seems like friends just go with a shotgun approach and don't mind a lot of misfires. I guess I'm too lazy, or I don't like the emotional rollercoaster.

It is what it is and I don't agonize over it.
I have a gorgeous 28 year old wan who.likes.to call me and I would be on that in a heartbeat but geez, that's a 30 year age difference and I'm in Seattle and she's in Vancouver Canada and I don't think they'll let me cross the border even if I wanted to do the drive up there due to the plague. I mean hell I went to high school with her step mom but she clearly demonstrated interest.

 

The older my daughter gets the more I do. I hope that makes since

 

I don't want to derail the subject... should it be in another thread of its own ? But my question related to this is...
At what point did anyone form a vision of "the life they want to live" ?
I'm not sure I ever have.