Do you think people treat their relationship better than the last?

Generally do you think people's habits change? I don't think I treat my new boyfriend better than my ex but I do believe we get along better and that we are more compatible. I did everything for my ex and he didn't treat me his best. He was an awesome bf for a few months but then got comfortable.

So examples like this, do you think people tend to change their habits? My ex was
- selfish in bed, he cared a lot more about his sexual needs
- didn't compromise very well. if something hurt me he did it anyways because in his eyes it wasn't wrong. he didn't understand my perspective
- money problems...I always had his back and it made me go broke
- not being as sweet and attentive. he was once in a blue moon

Things like this, do people carry that on to the next relationship? How did you treat your relationship compared to the last?

 

I think often we put up with a lot less b.s. from our current SO then we did our last. After we've invested a lot into another person and tolerated their crap only to watch the relationship go up in flames, we're less likely to reinvest the same amount of effort or tolerate as much in proceeding relationships. The compounding cynicism that comes from failed relationships also contributes to our attitude towards our current SO.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean about putting up with less b.s. So what is your answer, yes?

 

I think it depends. If we learned the pertinent lessons from our previous failed relationships then we're less likely to get involved with someone who is incompatible. I think often it's that incompatibility that causes the most friction resulting in treating our SO negatively. And if, through our past failed relationships, we recognize our own bad habits that contributed to the failure, then we can be more conscious of when those habits pop up.

 

chelle - do you think the ex ever changed? Consider him your lab rat - was he the same to girlfriends before you?

 

He seems the same to me personality wise. His last relationships before me weren't really serious and didn't last long. It was like high school stuff. It didn't really get past the honey moon phase.

 

May never grow up. Sounded like you were the adult in the relationship. Maybe when he is 30 something and lonely your ex will feel he should change. Seems like now you have a caring relationship between two adults.

 

How old are you? I don't mean to ask that as an insult but it seems you might be young enough to not have gone through a lot of life yet.

We grow from each relationship. And if you aren't or are questioning the process then you're most likely not growing. Or learning.

 

Me? Feel feckin ancient.

 

I'm 22. I've only been in 2 relationships.

 

Give it time. I'm newly in my 30s and still have very little idea what I'm doing. But every relationship is better then the last. My appreciation for my partners faults along with her positive aspects grows.

 

The key is to find someone who accepts you exactly as you are. If they don't, they'll always have problems with you and try to get you to change. My current gf is my first SO who actually understands my quirks and accepts them. A common mistake of the young is to attach themselves to people simply because they don't want to be alone. It's really destructive behavior to carry into your late 20's so be careful.

 

I'm gonna expand on what Eddie has said...

When I was in my early 20s up till a few years ago I found myself with girls that I had very little in common with other then a need for sexual conquests and a appreciation for booze and late nights. My thoughts were that I was gonna be this person forever and because she had no issue with my drinking and I though she was adorable when she got drunk and tried to make toast only to burn down half the kitchen that we were meant to be together.

Nevermind waking up the next morning still in the middle of a fight about how she was flirting with some dude last night and how I'm gonna die alone in a gutter because I did that last shot of Jameson with an old friend. But we loved each other because we loved the idea of each other. The idea that we we're adults and still getting away with this. The idea what we were making the right decisions. No one in their early 20s has ever made the right decision.

That's how, in my 30s, I know what not to do.

 

Yeah, a tough lesson to learn is that falling in love with someone doesn't make them right for you.

 

Sounds like the size issue has worked itself out.

The question you ask is so dependent upon so many factors it makes it impossible to answer with a yes or no.

I was in a 20 year marriage that had collapsed long before it actually ended. I've been in my current relationship for going on 4 years. The two relationships are nothing alike. I now have a guy who is the antithesis of my ex-husband. My new guy is kind, respectful, considerate, etc. We have a lot in common and the sex is great. I've changed due to lessons I learned through my marriage in one very important way. I used to be the type of gal who settled for abuse. I now refuse to.

I don't know if and how that addresses your question.

 

Part of maturing is learning from past experiences and making your life better through that knowledge.

 

She's probably eligible for sainthood.

 

as a fellow 22 y/o hormone bag who wants nothing but booze, glory, and sexual interfuck, i can tell you that i know nothing about this except what i can guess at:

1) there is no such thing as unconditional love. being in a committed relationship takes work. sometimes it takes alot and it's up to you to to know where to draw the line in the sand where enough is enough.

2) you could say that your preference in guys matures over time, but defining what you actually want in solid terms is as difficult as it is useful. (is my SO the bomb in the sack? does he take more money than he needs from me? am i happy with how often he's "sweet" to me? etc.)

3)we are still too young to know what real commitment is

4) profit

 

5) same sex relationships probably work better in the long run.