Cleaning Up After Yourself

I just can't see taking things down a level 'getting back at her/giving her some of her own medicine' in an effort to get through to her. You've been directly communicating which is essential to a healthy relationship. Her response to healthy communication--going off-the-wall is a huge red flag.
I live with a slob as well--thankfully NOT my SO. I too am of the mind they that don't change and certainly, if there ever is to be a chance for change to it's going to have to come from a desire from the slob to do so.

 

Holy fuck. My S.O.? You gotta learn to roll with it.

 

Adapt to the situation or die trying & hoping to change another person's behavior.

If you can clean up after her to your standards, and not let resentments build...
you're a better martyr than I could ever be.

 

I agree with joniemack. She's lazy, she's been allowed to be lazy her whole life. When it comes time for some real effort to keep your relationship going, she'll be walking away. For lazy people, trying hard just doesn't feel right, going that extra mile to get something done is not in their character. I'd look at this a major red flag. Been there done that.

 

I bolded these two words above for good reason but I have to be somewhere soon.
Perhaps someone who recognizes what this pertains to, can expound on it.

 

Not sure if I am even remotely near what you are mulling ring, but the bit you quoted did catch my attention the first time I read it in the thread.

SeanMyklKing has a different set of standards than his gf of what is acceptable behaviour regarding being responsible for one's own mess.
He learned responsibility probably early on in life. It's now a natural thing for him to do. It sounds almost like a moral call too when the phrase 'the right thing to do' is attached.
'Should' is a judgment call as well.
I don't think his gf has integrated this way of thinking in assessing herself or others regarding personal responsibility. She has a different set of standards and it seems her feeling about cleaning up after herself is in no way attached to any ethical or moral judgment she makes--rather it is tied to the approval or disapproval of her parents. My guess is cleaning up has very little-to-no positive meaning for her. Sean OTOH, attaches a great deal of meaning to it: cleaning up after yourself is a 'good thing', it's what a responsible person should do having been motivated by 'doing the right thing'.

 

Well, the comment was in jest, after all. But, in thinking about it further, maybe it's not a totally off the wall response to someone who calls you a psycho for calling them out on their nastiness. I'm also not convinced that "getting through to her" should be the primary objective here unless King has decided that it is. Based on this comment, I'd got the impression that he's pretty much given up on her and is looking for either a way out of the situation or suggestions on how best to deal with situation if forced to stay in it.

If getting through to her is King's main objective, he may need to either get a professional involved or figure out a more effective method of "direct communication" (his current method is obviously not working to his benefit).

Communication in healthy relationships usually requires the participation of both parties.

And Fangirl, I'm not sure what ring is getting at either, and I'm not saying you're wrong in your assessment, but I think it somewhat excuses her behavior to say she's a slob because wasn't raised with the same moral considerations. If it walks and talks like a duck......

I defer to ZombieSquirrel who I feel summed it up in a nutshell.

 

Did her parents move her out into the yard and over the garage because they got fed up with it? There is definately something wrong with her if a reasonable request is met with abuse. She will only change if she chooses to. She could learn another language if she wanted to, so learning to tidy up behind herself would be a breeze - if she chose to do it. She should not be treating you like her maid, her gimp - unless it is role play you are both agreed upon playing. Dont suppose you could talk her into role playing your sub for a night or whatever - then you could have her cleaning pans as part of your wierd sexual perversion.
Although you could try peeing all over the toilet, I have the feeling that she would be content to look at it with a 'honey glaze', and that you would break first. I find housework less awfull if you are not the only one doing it when you are not the only one using stuff - does I'll wash, you dry work?
There was a documentary shown on tv over here. They got some dog trainers, and some wives who had lazy and inattentive husbands, and without knowing it was happening, the men were being trained like dogs. Praise the man/dog when it takes its plate to the sink, praise it more when it washes it up and puts it away. After a relatively short period, the husbands were doing all sorts of nice helpfull things for which praise was obviously heaped upon them. It worked. At the end, the husbands were told that they had just been trained by dog trainers, and most were pretty pissed off with that fact. All of them showed improvement, and all the relationships seemed closer - possibly that dog - handler thing. You can teach that old hog new tricks.

 

I lived with a slob/packrat for 16 years, ended in divorce. She would occasionally make an effort, but wasn't able/willing to keep it up. The show Hoarders reminds me of her.

Here's a thing to consider. If they don't want to clean after themselves, they'll eventually quit taking care of themselves. Yuck

Run, run away

 

I've kind of decided that the definition of responsibility is "cleaning up your own messes" and that is also literally true. A mature, responsible and respectful person does not leave messes - in the kitchen or in their work or in their personal lives - for others to clean up and fix. A child does that. So, I'd consider this a huge red flag and probably a deal breaker.

 

There is one aspect that we haven't explored. Is she hot? And filthy (in bed, I mean!).

That could change things. Pictures are good.

 

Alistair has a very valid point.

 

If she was that hot and dirty Alistair, one would think the op would be busy twiddling with things other than a computer, too exhausted to complain.
I guess what a lot of us easily forget is that it can be a sign of being mentaly ill or fragile, I would like to know what the parents home is like? If its tidy now, is that because she is gone, is it learnt from the parents behaviour?

 

I think age can be a factor too. The average teenager's bedroom is a midden. Spin forward ten years and they normally clean up their act. In this case, I'm assuming we are talking about someone pretty young and I suspect that the parent's home is clean and tidy.

We all have a balance in terms of the level of tidiness/cleanliness we need to maintain, and it differs. There is a point at which health concerns come into play and I have no idea whether this case is one of those or whether it is in the normal distribution of tolerance to mess. Personally, a plate of half-eaten food left out is a mess too far (how hard is it to tip the remains into a bin and at least put the plate in the sink/dishwasher?). To someone else, failing to wash that plate and put away before leaving would be intolerable.

Beyond the extreme cases, it's about negotiating. The problems really start if one person refuses to negotiate. Or both.

 

Is this for real or are you jerking our chain(s)
Personal opinion.....This will not change..probably get worse.
IMHO, I'd move if possible, otherwise it's the price you pay.

 

Are you serious? Of course this is real. Why the fuck would I make this shit up?

 

a dumb question..... What happens if you just leave it and not clean it up? will she eventually clean it up or will she wait till you do?
i have to agree with pretty much everybody else, sounds like she is lazy.
good luck with it

 

Oh... Thanks for the support and advice. We've had a few more talks about the situation. We're trying to split up the cleaning duties. That way she has specific responsibilities around the house so she doesn't feel like I'm either pawning things off on her. We shall see.

 

Good luck, hope it all works out.

 

Wait, is that why all the hot body girls that post on anonymous exhibition sites have bedrooms / entire homes that could shrivel a blind man's dick?

The dirty laundry explosion. The beer bottles and grocery bags on the floor. Carpet was last vacuumed sometime during the first Bush's presidency.

Maybe that's why I've only been able to tolerate average-looking women. They're not disgusting trolls in habit like some of the more attractive girls.

It's been my experience that women that are attractive and know it tend to be lacking in just about every other aspect of life. Like organization.