Cleaning Up After Yourself

It's not that my girlfriend is a slob but she defiantly doesn't know how to clean up after herself.

I'm not the cleanest person in the world but I know how and will take the time to keep a fairly tidy house. I don't understand why someone wouldn't take the extra two seconds to put of glass in the dishwasher or clean up a spill.

This morning my girlfriend got up for work pretty early, made herself breakfast and left before I got up. I walked into the kitchen and found a GIANT mess. The cat on the counter licking something. And what appeared to be dried up egg on the floor. I texted her to see why there was such a huge mess. She freaked out at me saying that I'm acting like a slave driver and bossing her around. I guess she dropped the carton of eggs on the floor but didn't bother to wipe up anything. On top of that there was coffee grounds all over the counter, dirty napkins everywhere, her plate of food was still on her desk half eaten, and other random stuff thrown all over the house. This happens every time she cooks. Every single time. And just like today, when I ask her to pick up after herself better she freaks out and starts a HUGE fight calling me a psycho and other things. Saying that she doesn't clean up after herself because she feels I'm making her do it and she doesn't wanna be bossed around.

My point is that she should want to clean up after herself. If not because it's gross but because it's the right thing to do. Not to mention our cat gets into everything she leaves out. Which is not safe.

How do I deal with this? It's gotten to the point that I'm looking for a place to live even though I have nothing here in Florida. Pretty much just my clothes and kitchen stuff for work.

Oh and it's not just the kitchen and cooking. I expect that if she enters a room that when she leaves it will be a huge mess.

 

Do you clean it up for her? If so, congratulations, she's got you trained.

Smart ass comment aside, she knows it bothers you. Maybe something else is driving this than just being sloppy. She knows it bothers you and continues to do do. Power struggle? Passive aggressive issues? Baased on your comments I assume power struggle since she doesn't like being bossed around. But this is silly. She shouldn't have to be bossed around to do this.

Maybe a talk with her is in order.

 

RUN!

Just kidding, sort of. Honestly, that's something I would refuse to tolerate. It's doubly unfortunate that her immediate reaction is one of aggressive deflection - makes it very difficult to try and reason with her and unless you can reason with her, it's unlikely she's going to change her behavior. In the absence of being able to reason with her, you have these options, as far as I can see:

Move out...somehow. If you have a job, see if you can't find a one room place or look in the want ads for people seeking roommates to help with expenses. Resort to living with the bare necessities for a while.

Throw her out. Harsh I know, especially if you love her but her behavior and attitude show a lack of respect for your feelings. Who needs it? If it's her place, return to option 1.

Let her know that you find her behavior intolerable...silently but effectively (voicing your disapproval obviously doesn't work with her). Make it extremely difficult for her to continue behaving the way she is. I'm thinking extreme here, but when she leaves a kitchen full of dirty dishes, dirty clothes thrown around, etc., pile them all into trash bag and shove them into her closet or her dresser drawers or the back seat of her car (you get the idea). Whatever you do, don't clean up after her.

And yes, it will bring the issue to a head but that's what needs to happen here. She will confront you angrily but keep focused on the fact that you are in the right. Smile and point out that she brought it on herself. As you appear to be the adult in the situation, be adult about it. Don't let her drag you into her game. Keep your cool. Don't engage with her beyond the continual reminder that her behavior is unacceptable and you are not going to tolerate it anymore. She may make all the necessary noises indicating she is willing to change, but in time, reveal that it was ploy. Don't let her get away with it. She may storm out for good. She may storm out, reflect upon her behavior and return, willing to change. Be prepared for your actions to fail. Some people are beyond hope in this area.

The point is, what you do about the situation, from here on out, you do for your sake, not for hers.

This is just my opinion based on the scenario you offered as I don't know anything about your relationship outside of this issue. I mean, if the sex is awesome you may be reluctant to end the relationship. Only you can decide if this is an acceptable trade off or not.

I'm assuming this was a typo but in a strange way, it sort of fits.

 

It's been my experience that you can't fix slobs.

 

Who's place is it?

Decide on your boundaries (I think you have already) and stick to them. Let her know what is unacceptable. If she can't accept your boundaries, you can't make her.

If necessary, leave or throw her out. This isn't going to change unless she wants to change. She may if she realises the consequences, but there is just as great a chance that she won't.

 

This is much scarier than the whole "she should want to clean up after herself, but doesn't" thing.

I get your point, but King isn't bossing her around at all. He's just asking her to accept responsibility.

She's acting like a child dude.

"I don't wanna. You're not the boss of me."

Yup....childish.

 

Take photos - nice to get the family album out sometimes isnt it. If you throw a bit of glitter on - xmas cards for your friends.
As her mother isnt there to clean for her any more, maybe she would be willing to come and be a daily if her daughter pays her - or maybe someone elses mother would do. She is as she is - never think you can change people - especialy when they dont want to change. You could try asking her parents if they would like her back - but I suspect with a lot less housework to do, they are enjoying semi-retirement. You have been trained, there is a thumb print on top of your head.
Tell her there were dancing wriggling grains of rice in the cat poo, so you have wormed it for her. Tell her the chap in the shop said to watch out, but if either of you have caught them, there will probably be some anaemia and weight loss, then to look out for falling segments and see a pharmacist or a doctor.
Can you bear to go on strike? Sometimes I try this with son - varying degrees of success. Leave the toilet seat up - throw yourself under the kings race horse. Seek emancipation.

 

BTW - have you tried withholding sex?

sorry - another smart ass comment - just had to since there was a thread on that subject not too long ago

Really, good luck on this.

 

Good point Craven, best if he does the whole seduction routine and then says no.

 

withholding sex is pointless. it will get you both frustrated, and the girl might not even know why you do that. i had the same situation with my ex and i wasn't smart enough to fix it, so we broke up. for other reasons as well, of course. but if she cares about you she will try to change her habits, if she doesn't care she wont. i don't think it's more complicated than that.

 

You could always give her a dose of her own medicine. Inundate her with "man" shit.

Don't put the toilet seat up and repeatedly pee on it.
Make sure the milk for her morning coffee is always sour and lumpy.
Jack off into her underwear drawer.
Hang your smelly sweat socks over the shower rack each night before bed.
Toss your skid marked boxers on her side of the bed.
Don't stifle farts.
Pile your beer cans/bottles in front of the doors.

If she takes it in stride, she's a bigger pig than you think.

 

This happens? Holy fuck I'm moving in with 2 guys. I am NOT going to piss them off.

 

Oh, come on! It's a sign of affection ...

 

Hence the need for invisible fencing.

 

You should keep that drawer locked at all times. It's like a forbidden treasure for guys. Like moths to a flame.

Or so I've heard.

 

A little more background...

I live in her house. Well, it's the apartment over the garage at her parents house. We pretty much live her for free. I'm very grateful for that. Her parents are awesome. Which is why I want to make our house as neat and tidy as possible.

 

A little more background = teaser.

What is your relationship like otherwise?
Do you realize that her awesome parents probably know she's a slob?
Do you think her parents are hoping you can influence her to be less of a slob?
Do you have a job? - I sort of get the impression you might be a cook or a chef
Can you make it on your own? Can you afford to get your own place? Is she basically supporting you (I know, that's an ouch)
How'd you hook up with this girl?
Do you feel responsible for her?
Are you serious enough about her to contemplate a long term relationship?
Does she have a less attractive but tidier sister?

It's difficult to give advice without knowing details. If you're reluctant to give them, I understand.

 

OPTION A:



OPTION B:

You could curl one out in the shower and, when she complains, smile and say, "Well, I clean up your shit". Who knows? It might work.

My money is on Option A.

 

Free rent is lovely and all, but if she calls you psycho for asking her to clean up after herself, I can't imagine the relationship getting any better on the clean front.

So you stay with her and her parents for free. What happens when she wants the two of you to move out into your own apartment and you lose the security deposit when you go to move again? What happens if she poisons the cat and you end up racking up vet bills? What happens when you buy a house and you end up being her housemaid and she damages the property enough so that the property value is significantly lowered when you go to sell? What happens when you have kids and she doesn't only not clean up after herself, but also after your offspring? Not only is your house filthy and constantly smells, it's also negatively impacting your child's health.

As far as I'm concerned, when someone over the age of 20 can't clean up after themselves, it's a sign of psychological damage. It's not going to get better if you stick around, hire a maid, or clean it yourself. You're enabling.