Dual income relationships vs. stay-at-home partner ones

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This issue came up recently, and I'm wondering what others here think. As a single guy who has to do everything around the house, in addition to working a full time job, I could see where having someone who would do the household chores might be nice. It would even be beneficial to letting me focus on things that could make more money or improve my position at work. Even without a spouse, I could always outsource all of the cooking and cleaning for a price to a local company. Just by hiring a cleaning service and a personal chef. I already do something like that with the lawn service that is part of my HOA fees. It does free up some time and alleviates some concern about having to make sure my lawn is cut every few days.

However, if I was in a relationship and my partner worked, I could see how having a second income would go a long way towards having enough savings to pay off our house, buy a car, retire, etc. It would also reduce the stress of possibly losing your job and not having any money coming in. You will have more expenses, and for me, I would bet that my expenses would more than double. Even with the savings of only having one mortgage, and especially if kids happen. I'm not sure how anyone can afford kids is they make less than $50,000/year.

But, there are some downsides to working 50+ hours a week too. Do you think there are societal issues from kids that grow up without a parent being home? Did you grow up with your Mom or Dad at home? Do most divorces happen due to money problems or physical appearance problems. And is making money sitting behind a desk better than being with someone who exercises and works out a lot but doesn't work?

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-When I was growing up, I'm sure society was shifting towards women working, but my Mom and my friend's Moms all stayed at home. We ate great food that was homemade, but, I didn't live the rich kid life in high school or college and it is hard competing against that.

-Do dual incomes give an unfair advantage, where two middle income people can afford to live in the neighborhood of a single high income earner who 'earned' it? Or do kids of dual income families have an advantage over those with just a single income?

-It seems like everyone is expected to work and go to college now. And there is a lot of pressure to have a great career making money for others a lot of the time. It might be because things have gotten more expensive in many cities, and fewer people are making enough to support a stay at home spouse all the time. Is this a good thing, or has it created other problems where not working is looked upon as being a problem and not a normal choice?

 

I think if anyone had a choice to stay home, they would. I would have gladly stayed home to raise my kids.

With wages where they are (flat) I don't see this as a reasonable option for most people these days.

 

I had a reasonably good job before I got married. It may have been possible to get by on my income; but it certainly wouldn't have been pleasant or even marginally middle-class. Dual income is just the norm, any more.

Watching my daughters, this only seems to have gotten worse. The 50's "Leave it to Beaver", stay at home wife, has come and gone, I think.

 

I agree with the first part, not so much with the second.

My wife is better at cleaning, laundry, and child rearing. She just is. However, I'm better at carpentry, electrical work, car repair, and yard work. While I hate being traditional about anything and resent the implication that my gender means I have to fix everything that breaks, it is what it is. Career advancement, hers or mine, was never a topic. Stereotypes or not, there is too much on our plate. We go about things based on efficiency. She cleans, I fix, we both grumble about it, and stuff gets done.

 

my wife has a part time job that she has had for 15 years, she is the office manager at a gyn office. she works 8-12 Monday, off tues, 8-4 Wednesday, 8-12 Thursday and off Friday basically her money is splurge money, she spends it on whatever. I never ask. my check pays the bills and its hard to do that but I work 12-14 hours a day. that's my choice. if I worked 10 hours a day we could make it but its difficult

 

I don't think that dual incomes are essential, but I think we have a lot of people who want more than they can afford, so they think two incomes is essential. A big screen TV, playstation etc. aren't essential items. My wife is essentially a stay at home mum and we manage to live quite comfortably. No, we don't have yearly European vacations or a brand new car, but are well fed, have a roof over our heads and clothes on our back.

 

My wife has a career and I would never expect her to give it up.

When we had our first kid, she was the one working in a "real" job. I was a bike courier by day and usher in a cinema by night. I was going to stay home.

It didn't work out that way. I landed a career job about one month before the monster was hatched. That job lead to a lifelong career. In the end, her job evaporated and she chose to run a daycare from the house until our son was school age. Then she went back to work. She has been working since, despite having another kid 8 years later.

We don't need a second income as such, but with it, we now have retirement savings.

 

I think that many of your comments & questions have been overlooked, hence the underlining. For the purpose of this discussion I'm going to use husband and wife.

First & foremost, it is a very bad idea for anyone to view a spouse--usually the female--as a 'cleaner' and a 'chef.' For an 'old fashioned' arrangement to work, it would need to be discussed in advance. A husband wanting & expecting a lifelong housewife might be in for an unexpected surprise down the road, despite any initial agreements.

I think that some kids are going to take wrong turns whether or not they grow up with at least one full-time parent (I'm sure that there have been many thousands of studies about this). I grew up when many women were housewives, including my mother. One thing I remember is word of who we were hanging out with, where we were hanging out, etc. frequently got back to my mother.

I would guess that physical appearance plays more of a role the longer a couple is married. Financial issues become apparent much sooner.

Dual incomes can give kids advantages. Living in a better neighborhood, going to better schools or private schools, having nicer clothes, better vacations, etc. The downside is the kids can end up spoiled. Single income kids might develop a strong work ethic, esp. if they work part time to help the family and/or for their own spending money, but that might detract from their academics.

In our modern society, I think that non-working spouses are overall viewed negatively. Wages and salaries have not kept up with the cost of living which makes living on a single income more difficult, but there are some other factors. Many people have been conditioned to be instant gratification consumers and to keep up with their neighbors, siblings, peers, etc. in having material items.

A person could dedicate a lifetime to studying the many aspects of dual income and single income families.

 

I was a stay-at-home dad from 2005 until 2011. From 05-08, my wife was consulting and constantly traveling, so I stayed home. Then we moved for her job and I stayed home until our youngest started kindergarten. Now we both work full time, but the kids are 13 and 10 and don't require the level of supervision that younger kids do

 

And I wouldn't have a problem if my job would expect me to go back to school every July and August. It really should be the norm with the speed of change in my field.

I have no problem with that. There are way too many unhealthy men who work too hard at desk jobs, and women still like them for some reason.

The problem is that if you work for it, you will get the nice car, nice house, etc when you are in your 40s. If you have rich parents, you have that when you are 16. It makes sense that girls would be more interested in the guys who have the resources to provide and have fun when they are teenagers instead of working when it comes to modern dating in the cities and suburbs.

I am saying that it is easier for two people to earn $100,000 together than for one person to earn $100,000. It will lead to a better life if the couple can save a lot of their money or upgrade the neighborhood they live in, compared to a couple with one income of $50,000. It might be less stressful if a dual income household has a job loss than a single income household as well, especially if they still have healthcare and dental insurance.

I don't know the answer to raising kids in a dual income home vs. a stay at home parenting one, it would be a interesting topic to study though.

http://goodmenproject.com/families/why-two-income-families-get-divorced-less-than-single-earner-households/

 

Sorry, didn't mean to be obtuse. In terms of splitting up workload, she does what she's good at and I do the same. We both resent it; but we've got too much on our plates to be inefficient.

In terms of career, it was always one at a time. She took a 5 year hit on her career for child rearing by choice, then caught up. I went to school on the 13yr plan, because it was all that we could make work. Simultaneous career movement couldn't happen until our daughters were teenagers.