How does one forget or untwist the mind after their first "love"???

I've been on here before, I came back to get some good feedback from real people. xo this place is awesome.
I'm having a hard time sleeping and getting my ex out of my mind since last October where we ended things...then went back on for a brief time in january only to officially be done for good in Feb.

I was the result of a rebound relationship, he and I didn't work. Hes back with his ex... I can't get the thoughts or dramatic things out of my head....I've been in no contact, no drivebyes, no texts nothing and still hes in my thoughts. Ive been dating and trying to meet new people. He's been in my brain. I went on vacation to clear my head and keep busy every night doing things with friends etc....
I can't slow down because if I do, I know I'll break and go back to contacting him or reaching out and I know in my gut hes not it.
Help!

 

Why do you want to go back? The guy treated you like dirt (from my recollection of your previous thread). Just remind yourself how much of a loser he actually is and move on. Delete all his contact details, so you can't give in to the urge to ring him.

 

Sometimes it's just the passage of time that needs to happen.
And it can be agonizingly slow while you're watching it pass.

 

Thank you everyone...taking all the advice and going forward! The quotes have been keeping me on track...mind over matter....he was my first that I ever put so much effort into. I lack a lot of self confidence and worth. I've been seeing a therapist and working towards getting better. This place is safe and great for honest feedback!
I just need to check in to make sure the anxiety I still experience from this is normal? I want the hurt and sick feeling in my stomach gone.
--- merged: May 11, 2016 at 10:30 AM ---
Time is precious and yes patience....I have none lol but working on other things to keep me busy.
--- merged: May 11, 2016 at 10:31 AM ---
Definitely working on loving me for me and all I've accomplished thus far.

 

Thank you...The passage of time is difficult. Im trying to be patient with it . I'm in a rush because feel like I'm catching up on life because of the way my life has been where I didn't get many opportunities to date and now I'm nearing 34 this summer and peers and friends are all getting married and I'm nowhere near.

 

The less you think about that piece of it (the my friends are all getting married but I'm still single) and the more you work on being happy about yourself. the sooner something will happen.
Men tend to be attracted to strong, self confident woman (at least the kind of men you would actually want to have in your life), who look like they know what they want.
Start on building yourself up, getting the tools you need to kick ass and take names, after a while I suspect you will find yourself not thinking much at all about that guy and getting a lot more attention from other men.

 

Thank you. Now how?? Should I begin with getting more involved in things ? Health? Exercise possibly? Yes it's definitely my confidence that stinks. I have it sometimes I just want those moments to last longer.

 

Aside from the clear health benefits of exercise, one of the really useful things is that it's very difficult to be fixated or preoccupied while doing it. It shares that aspect with effective meditation and good therapy. While you're doing it, that's pretty much all you're doing. And if you do enough exercise, it also leaves you too tired afterwards to fixate. Not that it's a cure-all, though maybe for some people it is, but it gives you time to disconnect, gives you some level of a feeling of accomplishment, gradually helps with body image, and definitely helps with general energy levels. It's not magic, but it gives you some relief while you work on the magic. In the meantime, try to move bit by bit toward what you want. We all have a tendency these days to say "I'm going to change EVERYTHING right now" and get knocked down when that doesn't work. Bit by bit. I hope this helps a little.

 

Exercise is certainly a good approach and one I heartily recommend.
Another would be to find a project, a hobby, a place you would want to volunteer and do that every week.
Build houses for the homeless, work in a no kill shelter taking care of animals, write a blog, volunteer at a woman's shelter, anything that will take up time and energy but will build skills and confidence.
This will also have the added benefit of meeting new people and widening your circle of vision.
When you are able to help people who have lived through very tough times or worked with people to build something new, it builds up your own self confidence.
That and you will have even less time to think about yourself.

 

There are any number of things that you can be doing that will help you-- whether in the short term or in the long run: meditation, therapy, introspection, focusing on improving your self-esteem, learning to be comfortable with yourself without a relationship, and so on.

But the only thing that will actually cure the hurt is the passage of time. It's corny to hear, I know, but it's the truth. You gotta stick it out, and allow time to pass.

 

Ok...so I'm not being strong ....I go through long periods of doing well eg...no drivebyes no reminiscing or checking her instagram etc....but after the long weekend I crashed and started bad behaviours again eg. driving by wanting to see if he's there if shes with him. My heart can't say goodbye . Curious about his life. I cant let go and its been such a struggle. It interveres with my emotions daily and how I crave peace. I have developed or have OCD, anxiety and depression over this and I don't know what the cure to it is. I verbally let go and did and said everything correctly when I ended things. Now its my mind I fight with and the urges to know everything even when I'm not in his life....I go to therapy , took a break to try and do this on my own....calling today to go back. Do I also need a psychiatrist or possible adjustment . I am scared that its not gone yet and I want to be normal but its like I'm addicted to it. My closest friends are worried and my family is very stressed, I'm hurting them tooo much. Suggestions.....

 

You have to keep in mind that you are not addicted to the jackhole but the endorphin rush you got when he was around, the feelings he gave, the way your body felt, the needs that were fulfilled.
You need to find new ways to meet those needs and yes, getting therapy is a really good place to start.

 

i have similar tendencies and am going through a similar experience right now. i am an introvert and a misanthrope both, so even though i live in one of the biggest cities in the world, there's no such thing as an abundance mentality for me. i can go a year or 2 or 3 between meeting someone i am really drawn to. knowing that, it is devastating to have her go in another direction from me.

i flew across the country this last weekend. on my flight back i kept thinking what a microcosm of my life that flight was. i was in a middle seat with a best friend on one side and a cute girl stranger on my right. i had options. i could chat with my friend or flirt with the girl. i could watch a video or play a game to pass the time. but none of those things appealed to me. i just wanted to think about her. i just wanted the flight to be over, but i couldn't blow the airlock and jump out the plane; i had to endure it. thats how my life feels right now; i no longer care about the journey and just want to get to the destination.

and im working on it... i think of it like a metaphorical garden, where everyone has one. it feels so much better to take care of someone else's plants because you can see the results and you get the appreciation in return. its a lot more work to summon that appreciation for yourself if you're wired to be a humble or supportive person, but it is possible. you have to spend that time and energy you were spending tending the other persons garden on yourself. doesn't matter whether its exercise or home projects or buying a massage or some art or some volunteering, you have to put in the time/energy and accomplish little goals for yourself.... with the idea being that people see you're taking care of yourself/feel relatively good, and then new relationship opportunities present themselves if you're lucky. sucks not to have any certainty in there but there's no way around it. it feels like i'm a robot doing these things, but i am doing them so if and when i snap out of this or win the lottery (again) , there will be a good vessel to return to.

i read this guy a lot; there are some pearls in there...

Do You Suffer From Oneitis?

Surviving The Break Up

 

This is the relationship you ended around mid October of last year?

Angela, it's been nearly eight months. In your original thread back in early October you mentioned having therapist, are you still going? to the same one? If yes, I suggest trying another therapist.

 

Thus is then he and I were in contact again after in January only for it to end for good in February....