Generosity...

I don't know if I'm just being generous to the point of stupidity or is it the right thing to do.....

My cousin and her fiancee, both of which I am close to, are getting married in Jamaica, with their three kids tagging along. They are not the most budget concious people, they usually go month to month, a few times in the past, I've helped them out with prompt payment back. Recently they've had some car issues and I know they are both stressed about paying for their wedding along with having their kids there as well...

Onto my quandry, in the next month, I'll be moving to another department where I'll be making almost triple what I do now. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I don't know if I should or shouldn't but I think I want to give them $1500, as a wedding present, before the wedding occurs. Payment for the wedding is due December 21st and thats why I want to give it before so it would ease their burden. I cannot decide whether its too much, or whether I should give it at all.

Can you guys help me... I'm terrible at making decisions like this because logically, it doesn't make sense to me, but emotionally and in a family sense, it can go a long way....

 

Why is a couple who are low on cash getting married in Jamaica? What's wrong with their local, budget friendly, Knights of Columbus hall or something equally within their budget? Red flag there.

Yes, they're your family and it's very generous of you, and because you're their family expect them to accept it as their due.

Because it never ends, you know. You probably are already considered the rich cousin who will be there to rescue them when they're short on the rent or one of the kids need a 4G mobile phone to prevent him being bullied at school. Now that you're making more money (and sooner or later they will find that out) they will be more inclined to continue asking you to bail them out.

It's called enabling and that would make you the enabler.

They need to suffer the consequences if they are being financially irresponsible - and I would call flying off to Jamaica for a wedding when you don't have an emergency fund for things like car repairs and the like, to be irresponsible.

If you must, take the $1500 and put it into a secure account for the kid's college fund. I'm assuming they are good parents. They should be thrilled.

 

The Jamaica thing is that his family is from there, I'm already know as money bags around them as they've said I'm rich because I've got "equity." To me, there are more ways to being rich than just that. The most they've asked me for is $200 and I don't see it enabling when they pay me back.... and if they ever needed money to cover their kids cell phone, I will kill them and leave them to their own, I don't let people leach off of me.

 

I think it's very nice of you to want to help your family that way. The advice I offer is instead of giving them cash that could be spent on anything, offer to pay for some of the wedding or their stay while they are in Jamaca. That way you are helping the way you wanted. As a person who's both received a gift of money in my younger years and blew all of it on things I shouldn't have, and been able to help others out in my more recent years, I'd say pay the money directly to something instead of giving it to them. They will be able to appericate the gift more that way, even if they don't think so at first.

 

Sorry, I was assuming it was one of those marital events so popular these days where the couple expects everyone invited to be able to afford the flight and accommodations for their little trendy little tropical island wedding.

You sound like you've got sensible boundaries drawn. Still, I'd do what Clan suggested.

 

His family for the most part lives in Canada, except for one uncle....

 

Well hell! Any excuse for a party on the beach.

 

Thats what I'm looking forward to, with all the stuff that I've gone through, this is going to be a well earned vacation.

 

Hi Streak
I second the concerns and solutions posted above.

When I'm deciding on an expenditure, one of my 'ways' is to mentally go a few days, weeks, months, a year into the future, and check what senses of regret or pleasure I might get about HAVING DONE/NOT DONE it AFTER the window of opportunity is closed.

Imagine six months after you've given it to them to do as they wish.
Now imagine six months after you've put it in an education fund for their children.
What might have happened and how do you feel.

And, er .... Imagine six months after you've paid for the abduction, air-fare to Canada and accommodation of that ONE UNCLE who, from my reading your words .. is THE reason why they're going to Jamaika ... and involving into that kind of expense anyone else who might want to go. THAT would be the wedding gift where the Whole Family would thank you .

 

the uncle technically doesn't live full time in Jamaica, he has a vacation house there, that my cousin will be using a week after everyone leaves, including the children. I think he lives full time on some other island, and Zen, that would be a feasible option if I met any part of his family. He's a good guy but from what he's told me, they're all nuts.... granted being one of two people from my side of the family going, we're all nuts as well... although... .a lot of friends are going and I've met all of them... good people, going to be a frickin' gong show and my cousin hasn't shut up about setting me up with her photographer... slightly annoying for the most part but hopefully in March, I'll be good to go.... she's a looker, she's just not for me right now.

 

Ah thank you

 

I disagree with what Cian said. If you're going to give a gift, give it free of strings. They should be able to use it on what they'd like - car repairs or food for the kids for instance. If they want to blow it on lottery tickets and booze, they'll have fun doing it. And that's your intention of giving the money - to let them have fun at their wedding.

streak_56, this is a very nice thing that you're doing. I commend you for it. However, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment if you give the money with conditions. If it's not used exactly how you intended, you might end up disappointed, which is a shitty thing for a wedding. So if you're going to give them the money, give it to them free and clear. They're adults and, it appears, relatively responsible - they don't ask you for money for bullshit things, after all. Trust that they're going to put it to good use.

 

It's a rare gift that family pays you back what they owe ( semi-LOL ). If you want to give them money, just give it to them. If you're worried about looking like a braggart for giving such a large amount, give it to them on the sly and ask them not to spread the word. You can always publicly give them a smaller gift at the wedding.

 

It's a wonderful gesture, and I'm sure they would love to have the money, the most useful of all gifts.

Now to throw a bit of cold water on the idea... despite what you will read about couples have fund-raising parties, mandatory cash trees and things like that, cash in itself is an inappropriate wedding gift from anyone but the couples' parents (and perhaps grandparents).

 

Greywolf, I have always given money at weddings because it allows them to get whatever they want. I will agree that putting conditions on it will make me leave it disappointed....

 

I quote no less an authority than Judith Martin, Miss Manners

 

I'm just curious what an appropriate wedding gift would be.... I never really went to many weddings growing up so needless to say, I haven't got the appropriate gene built in me...