tell me if im being dumb or not...

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We both lost our virginity to each other.
As much as I don't want to think about it, I know deep down he would like to be able to say he's slept with more than one person. Now I know I'm young and everything and you're probably thinking we're too young to be settling down so early.

But isn't it usually the girl who's always talking about getting married? I know my boyfriend I will end up together cause he talks about that stuff with me. Meaning he's the one who's always saying "when we get married..", "when we move in together...", etc.

ANYWAY, so I decided to give my boyfriend permission to sleep with one other girl. Now he's always saying IF he were to ever sleep with another girl...it would just be for the sex not because he liked her or loved her. And I don't remember everything he was saying but his points made sense.
SO I told him he could sleep with one girl, he has to tell me after he does it, and he's only allowed to do it once. He told me he could survive with only sleeping with me, but I feel like I'm holding him back from something he probably SHOULD be doing. Ya know?

Here are my concerns. I'm afraid he's going to pick someone he knows and ya know sees often and when/if they have sex, he's going to become suddenly attached to her and think she's better. Obviously if he's gonna sleep with someone else there are gonna be issues I have about it but I feel like this is something i NEED to let him do and get out of his system. Sort of like the movie, Hall Pass.
Anyway, I've already talked about all of this with him and we've discussed it. And when we were done with the conversation I told him once we hung up the phone we weren't going to talk about it anymore. Except for when he tells me....ya know. Now I already told him he can do it, and I've
accepted that. I'm not going to take it back either.
I'm just curious on YOUR points of viewing... what do you think? Would you trust yourself enough or your partner enough to do this?

 

Don't think you're dumb. You're quite possibly the smartest woman in the world. I think all women should let their men sleep with someone else. Just once. Serious, just once. And we'll tell you all about it afterwards, serious. And then we'll never talk about it again. Ever. Serious.




This will eat you up. Serious.

 

Agree with Borla. IF you got a good thing going, dont screw it up voluntarily. What was that movie with demi moore where she is in vegas and gets paid to sleep with some rich guy but destroys her relationship?

There will always be that bitterness or jealousy, no matter how cool you say you are about it. so why do that to yourself?
Chances are you two will stay together a long time and do great.
People are curious by nature and it may be inevitable that at some point down the road one of you cheats sexually. I am hoping that will cure that curiosity of grass being greener on the other side, and then you never tell the other person and simply move on realizing you got a good thing with the partner you already have.

Sex without love or passion is ok, but after a while it pales in comparison to sex in a great relationship, so you really can't compare your idea to something equal.

 

My thought is if you are giving permission then the idea should be he is free and clear of any repercussion from you afterward. It sounds like to me that you may have some issues with it, and that isn't really fair to him.

 

I fully understand your motivation here - You're attempting to guarantee an aspect of your future with him. But it doesn't really work that way. You can't get potential missed opportunities, sexual or otherwise, out of your system by trying to manipulate the present circumstance. You are either going go forward with him, get married, etc., with the fact that the two of you have never had other sexual partners and be okay with that, or you are going to go into that future and discover that one of you may regret that you didn't have more experiences.

Which of these scenarios plays out is for the future to decide.

I don't know how old you are but if you are still in your teens, please, please keep an open mind to the fact that one or both of you may decide that you are too young to be considering marriage - that maybe you both need the benefit of experience before making that sort of decision.

And I completely agree with Craven. If you do this, it will eat you up - that in itself may serve to destroy the future you are planning together.

 

Definitely dumb. You're both too young to be messing around with this emotional crap-- it's going to mess you both up big time.

Best possible outcome of this situation (for you) has now become if he calls you and tells you that it you're too important to him to risk causing issue within your relationship... with sincerity, not guilt.

Best possible outcome of this situation (for him) has now become him sleeping with someone, telling you, and having you be okay with it... with sincerity, not guilt.

At this point, I'd call a break on the relationship. Give him until December 1st or whatever to roam free. No contact, no updates, don't want to talk about it. If he comes back after that, make sure he's tested, and then you'll be solid. If he doesn't, you've had two months to yourself to get used to being single.

 

Dumb? Maybe. Over-thinking things? Definitely!

I don't think you really want him to take you up on your offer. But you just might end up driving yourself crazy wondering if he's going to... or if he already has, but hasn't told you about it yet.

For his part, he should forget you ever mentioned it.

 

Hi Restless,

Everyone before me has given you the benifit of their experience and opinion. Every one of them is old enough to have lived some years beyond yours and may have faced the question you face now. I won't offer to weigh in on their insights, but I will offer mine, such as it is.

Consider the fact that you are a young woman and you guys are more insightfull than young men at you're age (possibly at my age as well...likely). You are probably tinking about more aspects and outcomes than your young man is now.

Consider all the advise you get in this thread, weigh it like the intelligent person you are.

Consider all the stuff you haven't shared with us.

then sit down with YOU be honest with yourself and make a decision and stick with it.

Whatever you do, you have to be happy with it.

 

As the dumbest person on the board, I can assure you that if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want a glass of milk.

Now, in case you haven't read the book, here's how it goes:

He starts with banging one other girl and then decides he needs to fuck you both at the same time to determine value.

Me? I can't just have sex with a woman once. I try to do it at least three times. You know, for science.

Dude sounds a little like a timebomb; he's got an accelerated timeline, wants to fuck another girl.

 

I'm 22 and my SO (who had to move 1000 miles away) gave me a similar deal (which i have yet to redeem) but i think it depends on the girl he picks. if it is some girl that he sees every day instead of some random booty, it'll probably grow to be a problem. I'm to busy to have a relationship of any sort really which is why i think my SO is so cool about it.

do i think it's a dumb idea? no, but he needs to be smart about it too and look past the pleasure time to see if it'll seriously prevent him and your relationship from being functional.

 

This sounds like one giant trap.

Now, if he were going on Spring Break or something, then this might play out of one, one-night-stand that is meaningless and fun. And shows you that other women want him, but not too much. Hopefully he doesn't catch some STD.

Here is a story about how you should have set this up:
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/threesome-sex-menage-a-trois-planning

Or see if he will let you do the same:
http://www.alternet.org/sex/150482/what_happened_when_my_husband_told_me_to_go_have_an_affair

 

ASU2003,

Fun articles (I found the first one to be pretty amusing), but both of them involve the France.

Relevant to the articles, I see having a fling with permission ("hall pass") better than a threesome.

 

I'm not totally clear who initially brought up the idea.
If it was you, bad move because you have spawned a monster issue in your relationship.
If it was him, then it's something you tow will have to address and move beyond when the time comes.

"As the dumbest person on the board, I can assure you that if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want a glass of milk."

Or he might even stick a finger in your butt!​

 

I dunno. This situation doesn't seem dumb, it kind of gives me the creeps.
Seems potentially self-destructive.

 

Dumb? I don't know. Not really thought through all the consequences? You betcha. And that goes for both of you.

Then again, maybe he won't take you up on your offer.

 

i actually know a few people who tried similar things in their relationship and it didn't really go well. their relationship became torture. but the truth is that the happiest partners usually give each other some sense of freedom. so it's not dumb to think about finding a way to achieve that.
i think the forum will not help you, but a real honest conversation with your boyfriend might.
and keep an open mind about sexuality...you two can have a lot of fun and that can include toys, cameras and other people too. work as a team!

 

Hi Restless

You brought this subject up with 'is this DUMB or not'.
You could have opened this as a discussion eg "How to strengthen a monogamous relationship", and started with 'Here's what my boyfriend an I are doing ... I bet there are other way, so what do YOU do'. I put a like on Borla 's, because how you write looks to me, that you are not actually comfortable.

You have said words of agreement to your boyfriend.
You say you are not going to take it back.


I need to respect your wishes without compromising myself.
You DO have the right to change your mind - I have seen many people gently shifted into agreements they are not entirely comfortable with, then AS IF BY MAGIC, their discomfort becomes insignificant next to their sense of integrity about keeping agreements, once made; rather than the greater integrity of fine-tuning to keep decisions current with maximum available information.

An agreement is only as good as the basis of information on which it was made.
On the basis of information leading up to your posting this thread - conversations with your boyfriend - you've been developing important life-decisions. I'm sure he has made it clear that it is an agreement for BOTH OF YOUR BENEFIT ... ie having sex with someone else to make YOUR relationship more solid and secure. I expect he will he equally clear with the lady concerned.


But I need to respect your wishes without compromising myself.
You say you are not going to take it back.
I respect that.
I say you can and must take it FORWARD - both of you.
How will I justify urging you like this?

Well, now you've brought it here, you're getting important information which effects the dedision and needs to factor in its development. I believe you are right to seek out any Dumbness which might have slipped into your and his initial planning. I appreciate you started this thread asking for our thoughts ONLY as general interest, but do you not also owe it to him as well as yourself to add any improvements you may discover - to make it a better decision?

And posters are working with you as you quality-control this project.
I put a like on Poetry 's, because she's given you a solid roadmap to take account of some of the necessary ecology. Your boyfriend is mis-levelling the proposal: he's constructing it like it's just WITHIN the relationship ... like home is there, he does his thing and comes back to cozy home. It is actually a statement ABOUT the relationship and him in it ... this factor must be included. Poetry's roadmap is one way to make this entirely clear to him.


I've 'liked' two posts, but heck, everyone else's is ace as well.
Oh, Restless ... I've been reading CravenMoorhead and Remixer in another thread and I bow down and am not worthy. This forum is a magnificent place, and since getting back from holiday, for me, it's been a case of catch-up, READ THOROUGHLY and LEARN, Restless.

Where was I ... ah yes ... You're getting married ... Tell me ... am I off topic or not if I ask you: Who creates most of the 'STORY' of your relationship ... you or him. You know that thread of yours ... "I don't know what to talk about" ... who brings up topics of conversation most .. you or him ....

How did marriage get brought up?

It's almost like you went off on a tangent (like I did lol) ... but where the two strands of your post converge is - and I MISquote you, "He's the one who's always saying ....... When we get married .... when we move in together ..... when I go off for a Once Only Fuck and tell you I get back home .... " He's the one who's always saying.

Y'know, I'm beginning to wonder, Restless, ponder about a lot of things ... restlessly; and also ask: if you and he were in a movie, would you be 'equal buddies' or is one of you a bit part player in the other's story?' Who writes most of the script? Please paint more of the picture of the two of you.

 

I'm too old fashioned for this kind of thing. It seems like a very big risk to take, if you are planning for a lifelong, monogamous relationship. One offs don't work, IMO. If you made a deal that he could screw around altogether, that might work, ie not being monogamous.