Help...does this sound ok? Question about relationship

My boyfriend and I had an argument because I asked him what I was to him. I've been struggling with this because he is my first boyfriend and first sexual encounter.....He couldn't answer. He said he hates labels and that hes not ready to commit. Ive found things like sex toys from his ex still in his house, she has a room that is there shes paying for storage. He said hes only doing her a favor and yes they broke up in March and I met him end of June......We had an argument because a family member said then you are just a friend with benefits to him. I got offiended with this thought and of course, brought it up. He got mad and said I'm letting others sabotage what we have and that he just wants companionship right now and isn't ready for marriage....then he said we may be seeing eachother tooo much, he asked for space. we didn't talk in few days, I thought he was gone. So I sent a txt and he still didn't respond. I ended up calling on the Sunday to ask to get some of my things back...took a drive to see if he was home and found out that his exs car was there....I know it was most likely was her cuz she has the same car that I seen in photos. He never called me back to talk. Until this week and in talking hes frustrated and upset at how it went well for a while until my insecurities got the best of us. He said hes not with his ex but yet wouldn't admit that she was there. Theyre still connected and it worries me. I just want to know my place in his life. I fear that what others think eg that I've moved too fast with him may be the truth. I miss him but theres a lot of uncertainties. All friends and family want me to leave him and think I can do better in finding someone who can commit and create a future with. I just don't have the heart to let go of him. I'm full of anxiety, shaking my mind is wanting to call him all the time. I don't sleep or eat well cuz I just want things better. I miss him. But not sure if he feels the same, why is it so hard to call me his girlfriend?
> We agreed to meet up sunday so I can get my things but I'm nervous to because I fear I'll become a mush. I fear what others are saying that he may manipulate me. He may not want the to give a title so that he doesn't feel obligated to be my boyfriend. I since have cancelled the trip although I was looking forward to it. .......just venting. Confused and trying to keep it together. I posted a lot of this online to get opinions.

 

First question: How old are you, and how old is he?

 

Welcome to TFP.

Your "boyfriend" is treating you like a fuckbuddy. No exclusivity or talk of non-exclusivity. Dude is clearly keeping you as a side piece because you keep trying to get answers instead of walking.

The fact that his ex basically lives in his lap is what we in the relationship advice industry call "a clue."

Do yourself a favor and listen to your family/friends.

 

I'm about to leave, but wanted to leave this here first. More later, but basically what I'll be saying boils down to that ^^^.

 

Paragraphs serve a purpose, namely to make a "blob" of words more readable.

Be strong and dump him. Remain strong if he tries to sweet talk you...but...don't be shocked if he doesn't. At this point the relationship isn't what you want it to be, and it doesn't sound as though it ever will. Definitely get your things back, take a friend with you.

 

I need to make something more clear . We are exclusively dating one another. And He definately acts and treats me like a boyfriend, hes just not ready to commit to mariage. He was with someone for over 6years, broke up 5mos ago. And we have been dating exclusively for 3mos. I see him regularily and often. We know eachothers schedules. I have insecurities because of others opiinions and im jealous of him still being freinds with his ex girlfriend. They lived together for 6years and she still rents a storage room at his place. It made me insecure but I should be understandable that they did have something no?

 

Y'all have been dating for three months. And you say that "...hes just not ready to commit to mariage." Is it possible that you are pushing things forward too quickly?

Per your profile you're 33 years old, and you posted that he is your first BF and first sex partner. I think that you're learning something late that many people learned at a younger age--not all relations work out.

It's hard to say if he still has something going on with his XGF. The fact that she left sex toys at his house raises suspicions (unless she's now living somewhere with little or no privacy).

 

I'll start by say this might not be true for all guys but for many a relationship that lasted for six years and where they lived together is not one that you get over right away.
You are his rebound relationship, something that is not an easy thing by any stretch and it's just three months in.
His ex still has her hooks in him by having her stuff in his house and probably contacts him regularly.
He is probably loyal to you but that doesn't change what she can do to him emotionally.

Couple of things, don't push him to 'identify what the relationship means' but give him a reason to stop thinking about his ex.
Every time his ex contacts him, fuck his brains out, make him forget her.
See if you can get him to find a storage place to rent for her stuff instead of his house.
(Don't make it a big deal, rather suggest he might want to use the area for something else like a mancave or his own stuff.)
Most of all be aggressive, make the woman in past just that, the past and not worth his time to think about.
Once again, not all men, but many will be much happier with the warm, sweet, caring woman who will give them a blowjob when they get home from work then the one who calls to hint at the cool stuff that happened in the past.

 

Oy...none of this sounds okay...on either side. Red flags. Red flags all over the place.

First, the ex. Why is she keeping stuff at his house? There are plenty of not-expensive storage options, including, I'm sure, her family or friends. Blunt question: were you snooping when you found the sex toys? Because it's weird to me that they'd be there in the first place, and if they were somewhere easily accessible and you just happened to stumble across them, that's a bad terrible sign. If they were packed away somewhere out of the way and you had to go looking for them...well, that's still weird, but why were you going through her stuff?

Secondly, your friends and family don't like him. Now, I used to think this was no big deal, that if the people I loved didn't like the guy I was with, it was because they "just didn't understand him the way I do!" Nope. They didn't have on the rose-colored glasses that I did, and weren't blinded by love/lust. They could see more clearly when I was being treated badly, or when someone wasn't good for me.

Thirdly...you've only been exclusively together for three months...why is marriage even being discussed? You barely know each other. And he's coming off a years-long relationship that he very clearly isn't over.

Fourthly, "we've been seeing too much of each other and he needs space." This can go two ways: either he's trying to let you down gently (or does't have the nerve to break up with you straight out), or you're being too clingy...and he's trying to let you down gently or doesn't have the nerve to break up with you straight out.


...okay I'm tired of numbering things. If the dude's coming off a six year relationship, he's definitely not going to want to jump right into another exclusive relationship. Or at least he's not going to want to say "I'm in an exclusive relationship." I also understand what your first sexual encounter does to your brain...you form a bond that you're sure you'll never have again. Trust me, you will. I did, after all, marry the first (and at that point, only) guy I had sex with, but let me tell you, we were terrible for each other.

You miss him now. You feel awful now. But seriously, take a step back, take a deep breath. Take a break, live your life, clear your head. If you end up together, great, but if not, it won't be the end of the world. I promise.

 

Hello the various responses are very nice Thank you !!!! I definately am evaluating things starting today.........things are not OK.I went over to Ryan's yesterday to get my things. We began to make peace I apologized for everything. I told him no more pressure. And insecurities. We made peace had sex then watched game etc.....I stayed the night . Wwe had a nice morning. Then he was folding clothes and out came woman's underwear. I asked him he said they were old and from an old pile of clothes.I couldn't buy into it. He said there u go again...I said OK no fighting I'll drop it. I asked him if he wants me to go to costa rica he said hes doing a guys trop since i cancelled. I said sorry being so quivk to cancel.....We watched a movie then I had to leave. While I left I asked him if wed be OK. He said yes. Talk to u later. I said thanks and left.

 

Dump him.

Don't look back.

Use what you've learned in your next relationship.

 

Hello the various responses are very nice Thank you !!!! I definately am evaluating things starting today.........things are not OK.I went over to Ryan's yesterday to get my things. We began to make peace I apologized for everything. I told him no more pressure. And insecurities. We made peace had sex then watched game etc.....I stayed the night . Wwe had a nice morning. Then he was folding clothes and out came woman's underwear. I asked him he said they were old and from an old pile of clothes.I couldn't buy into it. He said there u go again...I said OK no fighting I'll drop it. I asked him if he wants me to go to costa rica he said hes doing a guys trop since i cancelled. I said sorry being so quivk to cancel.....We watched a movie then I had to leave. While I left I asked him if wed be OK. He said yes. Talk to u later. I said thanks and left

 

A five month old pile of clothes? Girl. Get the hell outta there.

 

How do I move this thread to the Relationship Forum ...my doctor suggested that too to help get advice.
--- merged: Oct 13, 2015 at 1:58 PM ---
I am 33, he is 34
--- merged: Oct 13, 2015 at 2:07 PM ---
Here's what I am struggling with as well....I want to be left feeling more secure and confident and I honestly am so hurt. I feel played , vulnerable and used. I am not seeing things good and I'm beyond stressed cuz I really cared about him. Any tips on how to move beyond or should I stay to nourish and show him who I am. I feel like I'm being manipulated because the minute I voice a concern or want to talk he said oh there you go, you can't let things go you are making an issue. I loved the first 3 months and I can see his good but how can he ask for space then run to someone else rather than acknowledge my thoughts and we could talk about it. Im feeling torn in soo many ways.

 

RUN WOMAN, RUN!

This guy is treating you like shit. If you can't question anything in the relationship without him blaming it on you - you will be in for a long tough road. Get out while you can. I know it hurts. You love him. The first 3 months were great.

But please, take care of yourself and get the hell away from him. There are tons of guys out there who will not manipulate, lie or cheat. Go find one.