Father in Law Living with Us!

Let's see if I can convey my feelings properly here. Am very frustrated and can't do anything about it.

I've been married for exactly 3 years now. 1 year following my marriage my father in law moves in with us as he got a job near our place and he was unable to rent a place of his own.

Two years later, he is still living with us, not contributing anything to the household, not looking for a different place to live at, and he mainly feels very comfortable about the situation and I don't feel that he is planning to do anything about it.

He works on a night shift, thus I am lucky enough to have some spare time at the evening, I do see him for a couple of hours before he heads off to work and come back at 5:00am. Deep inside he is a "ok" person however his mindset, behaviors, and personal values are very contradicting with mine, I can't get along with him at all. He thinks he is smarter than everyone around and that his opinion is always right.

I am unable to discuss this with my wife as I know at the end of the day he is her father and she wants to help him out, I don't really want to hurt her with bringing this issue up, however I cannot stand this situation anymore and it is really frustrating me. I was newly married when he moved in and since then I really could not enjoy any privacy, I could not really know how is it to be living independently with my partner.

I honestly thought of quitting my (excellent) job and moving away due to this; Believe me I am that much frustrated!

I joined this forum to bring my issue up and hear your opinions, appreciate your feedback on this.

 

If your FIL is able to take care of himself financially, physically and mentally,
he needs his own place.

His daughter married you. Her former life with him, as it was, is over. Her new life is with you.

As for how to discuss it with her I have no idea.

 

Thanks Chris,
Yes he is able to take care of himself by all means. He seems quite comfortable on how things currently are.

 

Of course he's comfortable. His daughter is basically looking after him the way a wife might (cooking, cleaning,
laundry), and he gets to keep the money he earns.

It sounds like telling dad it's time to move on is going to be up to your wife. "Communicating with your spouse" is mentioned so often it almost sounds like a cliche, but that is exactly what you're going to have to do. She's going to need to step up and tell her father, because the very last thing you want is to end up being the Bad Guy in his eyes and hers.

Some daughters remain under their father's control (for lack of a better term) all of their lives. I hope that your wife isn't one of those daughters. Loving & respecting a parent is fine, but it needs to be reciprocal. He needs to respect that she is now a married woman who has a new life.

Sepeculation on my part--Her opinionated father has few, if any, real friends. Hence his attachment to his daughter.

 

I can't agree more Chris, thanks for your feedback.

 

No privacy = no sex, right? In your own house? That's all bad, dude.

Hah, sounds like a teenager. Weird how the daughter has become the mom, you've become the sitcom dad and he's become the soul-patch-and-sunglasses-at-the-dinner-table juvenile delinquent.

Guy needs to get his own place. If his goal was to secure his future, it's secured... and he needs to move out so you can enjoy being Man with Woman and not Dad to Old Teenager.

Does your wife work? If so, how does she feel about working and taking care of her father while he contributes little to the household?

If your wife doesn't work and you're carrying the burden of earning a paycheck that goes toward the rent/mortgage of the place where her father lives for free, you might want to bring that up to her and then him. If you're not getting any privacy (sex) and have to be around awkward conversations, at least it could be with a third party tenant that gives you a significant slice of your monthly bills in return.

 

The sex factor is important. At the one year point in our marriage, my wife & I were still Very Enthusiastically making love at every opportunity. It was wild, it was crazy, and having one of our parents around would've sucked.

I'm repeating myself because I should've been really emphatic the first time:

"It sounds like telling dad it's time to move on is going to be up to your wife. "Communicating with your spouse" is mentioned so often it almost sounds like a cliche, but that is exactly what you're going to have to do. She's going to need to step up and tell her father, because the very last thing you want is to end up being the Bad Guy in his eyes and hers." You won't much control over his thoughts about your role in him being asked to leave, but you do NOT want your wife to harbor the thought that you made her ask him to leave.

 

Borla and Chris have gotten to the crux of the situation.
Not being able to talk to your wife about the situation is going hurt your relationship and one day things are going to reach a point of no return.
You will probably say things you can't take back and then everything will fall apart.

The only way to stop that from happening is get ahead of this thing and talk to her now.
I'd suggest you sit down and write out how you feel, then edit out all the personal attacks.
Then when you sit down with her make sure she understands you love her and most of all want her to be happy.
Don't try to change her mind, don't bombard her, let her talk about how she feels, and give her a chance to absorb how you feel.
Be patient and don't expect everything to be fixed in one sitting.
Promise to back her up and then do it.
Most of all don't make ultimatums.

Most of this I learned the hard way by doing it very wrong.

 

Good point.
I didn't make it clear in my post but one of the things you should do is see how she wants to handle the request for him to leave.
Would she want you to do it, her, both of you together.
But genuinemommy is correct it sounds like her dad is the type who would do his best to push her around if she was by herself.

 

GM, thanks. I hadn't considered the man-to-man aspect. I think that a lot of it depends on the father. I've been is situations where I was "just the SIL" who's input didn't count for anything, and vice versa.

 

I might talk to the wife first and tell her how youre feeling without any anomosity toward her dad, and come up with a plan to present to her dad that is in his best interest (and ultimately yours). I would then tell him how you are both feeling in a kind and supportive way. I would wonder if he had or had not been able to save some dough since working and not paying rent. If so, I might suggest he either buy or rent somewhere close by that is walkable to you, but a long walk if he is on foot. If he hasnt been able to save any $$$, I would suggest the same thing with the offer that you and your wife would be willing to help him with his rent in the amount that you now pay out for him, so that he can get a new start. I would stress to him the that you are still around and looking forward to interacting with him, but not so close at this time. After all, you are honeymooners. Then, I would make a point of calendaring a weekly date of some sort with him, and speak openly about supporting him as he gets on his feet. I would take this time to get to know him and vice versa.

Dont pull the rug out from this man. You, yourself, intimated he has no friends or other support. As he ages, he will want and need your support, and there may be times that you want his. This man may be the grandfather to your children one day. It would be good to show them how to love and support an aging father or man who might be feeling some physical, mental, and/or emotional losses, just as you and they may feel one day.

With intention, creativity, humor and compassion, there is a way for everyone to be happy.

 

You must discuss this with your wife.

I was in the same situation, but with a MIL instead of an FIL. MIL had made a career out of being dependent and didn't want to change jobs. I agreed to her residing with us temporarily, but there were issues from the start. No respect for anyone's privacy, inserting herself into every interaction I had (especially with the kid), and a gossip to boot (and yes, a know it all).

I asked my (now ex) wife to put her on a deadline. I explained my issues and I made it clear I could not continue to live like this. This went on for months. Me asking, no meaningful response.

One day I came in from doing yardwork to find the SIL rearranging my house to "better accomodate mom." I lost it. Told wife SIL had to leave and was not welcome back, and that MIL had 60 days to get all her crap out of the house and go live elsewhere. Went for a walk to calm down and when I came back they were all sitting around the dining room table. My ex would not back me up. They told me there were no other options, that "mom" had to live with us.

I went upstairs, packed a bag, and moved out. I met an amazing woman, went through an expensive, difficult and long divorce, and am now happily remarried.

You say you"can't talk to your wife" and I'm guessing it's because you don't want to put her in a position of choosing between you and FIL, but I am telling you from personal experience, this will destroy your marriage. These resentments will grow until they explode. Have the conversation, tell her you can't continue living like this, tell her she must tell her Dad he's got to have his own place in a reasonable time (not more than 60 days), and stick to it.

 

communication is very very important in any relationship, sometimes you have to talk to your so about things that make you and or them uncomfortable, but it HAS to be done.