sex problems in LTR, where to go from here

I am in a long term relationship, actually we are married, I've been with him for over 10 years and we have a child together. Problem is we have sex every 3-4 months, if we are lucky there may be a few months in a row that we have sex once a month. Lately, for at least the last year, I've been realizing there is something not right, he's not able to last or stay hard.

At first I thought it was the condoms we were using. It felt like things were numb down there, too wet, nothing going on , lack of sensation for lack of a better way of describing it. We'd just be going in and out and it would feel sloppy but feel like there was no friction.
Thinking it was the condoms I got some "non lubed" thin ones to try. It was a little better in that it wasn't so wet that I couldnt' feel anything going on but still not exactly better. It seemed like lube on the condoms was adding too much wetness since I was wet enough.

Ok so that wasn't really the problem, because it didn't help much. So I started using a diaphragm. I know old school birth control, but really you can't feel it and I don't mind . We hadn't been bare back in 4 years so I was thinking the best thing to rule out if it was a condom issue was go without. We never used condoms before we had our child and didn't have any sensation problems back then. Well then, no condom felt great in a way... but then it's like he would deflate halfway through. Or not be able to even get it fully hard. I began to realize that was the problem all along. Because back when we were having issues with the condoms he would get hard but not FULLY hard, and put the condom and go for it, only to deflate midway through. I thought he was going soft because of the lack of sensation but now realize the lack of sensation had largly to do with the fact that he wasn't fully hard to begin with. There might have been some sensation lost with the condoms but that wasn't the full problem.

So we tried bareback for a couple times, of course this has all been spread over the course of a year or more with several months between trying things to fix what's going on. I'm sure by now it's gotten to his head, I am guessing, because if every attempt is pretty much failed, then it's going to take it's toll.

As you are beginning to realize every few months sex is not something I am happy about either. I talked to him over the summer about feeling like we'd lost the intimacy and wanting to have sex more often. He said we'd both try harder. By November 14 I was super frustrated but didn't have a big sit down talk or anything because of the stress of the holidays and wanting to figure out how to approach it with him. Talked to a guy online about how to approach him and got some good advice. So I finally set down and talked to him. He seemed receptive that it might be a medical issue but didn't really believe me, but seemed willing to think about doing something.

In January nothing had changed but we'd had a successful attempt at sex in December so I think he felt there must not be anything wrong with him medically. And by successful it means we both got off, but for it to work it took a lot of effort on my part to physically pull my abs in tight as I could and wrap my legs around him as tight as I could to create enough pressure. It worked but wasn't that fun to be honest. I sat down and had a serious conversation with him in Januray and said he needed to get his testosterone checked. he already had some other blood orders that he hadnt' gotten done from his regular Dr back in Sept so I said I'd called and they said it would be fine to add a testosterone test onto those when he get it done. He just had to go in and do it. He put it off for a few more weeks. I pushed him again and he finally got it done.
Not a big surprise that they came back low , below normal range for sure. He has not gone in to get it taken care of, talked to the Dr or anything. I sat down and talked to him again and it seems like he'd done a little research (as had I) and was convinced it was all due to his lack of sleep. Which I actually agree with. He's been running on about 5 hours , or 5 hours 20 minutes of sleep everynight except one night a week for the last year or so. he's always been sleep deprived , before that he got about 7 hours a night but that was a lot better than it's been a while.

I asked him what his plan was and gave him a couple of ideas on cutting down on some overtime he's been doing (the overtime is not required, they are busy but his boss says he can work as much as he wants so he takes every advantage and works the max that he feels he can). He said he'd think about it. Ok, so I decided I wasn't going to say anything for at least week. It's been 2 weeks now and he hasnt' said anything more , hasn't changed his work hours, sleep pattern and I haven't asked him about it. He is trying to get right to bed at 11pm and be a bit more strict about making sure he goes to bed right away at "bedtime". In my mind, that's not going to really help, because even if he goes right to bed instead of looking at his phone or whatever he still only gets 5 hours 20 minutes everynight at best. If he would cut out the overtime, even some of it, he could get 8 hours of sleep a night, every night I think he'd be on the right track.

So.. this leaves me feeling really kind of lost and feeling sort of resentful at this point. I love him and I know he loves me in every other way. there are always things to complain about or improve in every relationship. But the fact that he's not being proactive on this makes me feel really frustrated. I am willing to do everything I can to help him and I told him that. He has the knowledge he needs to change this. But I dont' think he has that much desire to.

He told me that he's never really put that much importance on sex. I can see that now. I am pretty sure at this point we've always had mismatched sex drives but it's so much worse now it's ridiculous. After having a baby my sex drive was a lot less than it used to be. But after she finally quit breastfeeding and started sleeping better my sex drive is back up to a normal level (for me). No probably not as vivacious as when I was 19 but still rip roaring and ready to go. Yikes.

I have been viewing porn, masturbating, etc and that helps but doesn't. it's almost better if I just put it out of my mind and concentrate on other things like I used to do for the rest of our married life. Honestly I think I have more sex drive now than I did for the first 7 years of our marriage. Or maybe I've just rediscovered myself. It doesn't help that this last year I feel like I've woken up out of a fog (struggled with depression after my 4 year old was born) and realized that I want to do so much more than just the day in day out boring life. I feel restless, frustrated, etc.

So if you are in a sexless marriage, how do you cope? How do you get him/her to see that there needs to be change? I talked to him about intimacy and he seemed really positive about that. Like in terms of trying to make a "date night" go and do more fun stuff together, etc. He said I'd have to plan it since he's at work and I'm not. I just feel lost. I saw someone posted that fixing sex wont fix a marriage, that you have to fix the root of the problem and I think I agree.. but don't know where to start.

 

So why do you think he doesn't go to the Doctor to follow up on this?
Too busy?
Embarrassed?
Worried about something else he doesn't want to talk about?

 

I think he's cheap and doesn't want to spend the money. He thinks they'll tell him to get more sleep which he knows he needs to do but isn't willing to really do. For him a lot of life is about money, saving money, getting what he wants, saving for it, saving for retirement etc. Not to make him sound bad. I'm not trying to. He's not completely cheap, he's willing to take care of things that are important to him. But I don't think it's truly important enough to him to spend the money. I don't think it's embarrassment.

 

My wife and I (we're both 59) had a sexless marriage for a while, and I know how awful that can be.

Is he hoping you'll find someone else to help you?

 

I doubt that he wants me to find someone else to help me out with it. I think that would hurt him a lot. But that is where my mind goes, fantasies about being with someone else. I don't want to hurt him or cheat so I am trying to figure out what to do instead. I don't know whether to keep pushing him and for how long. It seems so stupid to end things over no sex but I don't want a sexless marriage and can't see myself being happy long term if that's how it will always be. I have so much to lose with him though. I truly do love him. I met him so young, sometimes I feel like I never really took the time to really know myself and figure out life. I'm just really mixed up right now.

 

I think he really has no motivation to change because he's never put much importance on sex, that's exactly what he told me anyway, that he doesn't put it very high on his list.

 

I guess I am not sure. He would probably say that I am important. And I think so in a way because he works so hard and so much because he wants to provide for us. I guess I am not sure how to communicate it clearly. I thought I already had, that I don't want a sexless marriage , I want sex more often and it's not ok with me to not have sex, it's important to me. But he hasn't changed. So I don't know if I just need to KEEP talking . He's always been this way when it comes to "change" , he doesn't like change unless it's his idea. I tried sexting with him yesterday and it was like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. it was frustrating because our texts wouldnt' go through very quickly because of our signal, so I had him download an app that lets us text over wifi. He kept "dragging his feet" saying that he couldn't see why he needed to text anyway, he was just fine with not texting, etc. I had already sent him one suggestive text and he'd read it and was like "why?!?!" and just didn't get it. I told him I just wanted to try something new and fun. He still didn't get it. He let me download the app and I sent him some texts. Then he started to cooperate, felt like he was just trying to pacify me. But he didn't seem at all interested.

He's complained that I don't really flirt or come onto him (in the past) because I have a more reserved personality and I am not aggressive sexually and I guess he likes that. But I've always been that way. Well, he never initiates sex either and hasn't since, well, I can't remember when. In the past year or so I've been trying to take the initiative, actually had to since he's just basically put sex on the back burner, he really likes it if I jump on him and kiss him and make out with him. It led to sex once or twice, but then it didnt' work out because of the ED. The rest of the time he just falls asleep. So I guess I am not sure how else to be clear about it. I feel like making an ultimatum would be sort of wrong. But I don't know how else to make him realize that it's that important to me.

 

View: http://youtu.be/-86ZJvBBnNU

[Not really safe for work]

Have the goal be to focus on giving you pleasure and take his issues out of it a few times a month.

Have morning sex on the weekend.

Do you try and initiate sex?

Have a rule that you will have sex once a week, or it will be scheduled for Sunday night if it hasn't happened that week.

Take care of both of your bodies along with a good diet if that is necessary.

 

That rule was a total failure for us, back when we were rarely having sex.

For a long time, we would have sex at long intervals, about every six or eight weeks, typically when she started to feel guilty for depriving me.

When it happened, she would always discover she enjoyed it, but somehow that didn't increase her interest in doing it.

So, at one point, we both agreed that we'd start doing it once a week. We both knew it was the sensible and right thing to do.

But when it came to the first time that sex was scheduled, all that happened was tension.

She really didn't want to do it, and (silently) regretted promising to.

I was as reserved and respectful as possible, but of course she knew I had been anticipating it, and felt inadequate, and so her sexual response just shut down totally.

Hence, she was in such a bad mood that I didn't even ask.

In fact, we didn't discuss it at all, because we both knew it wouldn't be a happy conversation.

Result: a deepening spiral of mutual resentment and noncommunication. We didn't have sex for months after that.

 

What ultimately ended up making things get better for you both???

 

I think you are right about communication. I want to say that I really have tried to communicate clearly about this to him and that's why I said I wasn't sure how to communicate it clearly. Not because I don't know how to communicate clearly in a literal sense . I should have worded it differently. I really don't know how to be any clearer with him than I have already been because I have been very clear that sex and intimacy is very important to me and it needs to change, that I want this from him and want to work on it together. he seemed very responsive and listened but then told me he needed to "think about it" when it came to his work hours. I DO need to be more clear and talk to him again about the work hours. He has always justified his hours and I need to communicate to him that making me feel loved and sexual attention is something that is a bigger priority to me than all the extra money he could make to take us on a vacation or build a new deck. I do think it has to do with his priorities and mine are not the same even though we both love and care for each other. I do believe he does put importance on me in a round about way by working all the hours but because his idea of what is important is different than mine that does require communication. The reason I said I don't "know" is that although I know he'd say I am important I don't "feel" it because when I asked him to make some changes he has not and he has let things sit for 2 weeks while he "thinks" about his schedule. I knew when he said he would "think about it" that would happen. The last time I asked him something super important he said he'd "think about" and wouldn't talk about it further, I let it go a week, then brought it up to him and asked if he had thought about it (this was not the sex issue but a tangible thing I wanted to get and asked him about it out of respect) he had not thought about it at all and was angry that I even asked about it and then said "no".

There is definitely a medical problem that complicates it but if we could get to a point where he realizes this is important for the health and happiness of our marriage maybe the medical could be taken care of more easily . I do appreciate your post.

 

Well, to start with, we each independently decided that things had to change. And we opened up to each other in a way we never had before. We got past being shocked and hurt at our mutual revelations. Some previously unresolved medical issues were addressed. And we ended up in a much better place.

 

That makes sense. You can't change other people or make them want to change. But it takes two people to get to bed place or a better place. So it makes sense why things improved when you both began to realize your individual parts to the equation and began to communicate etc. I hope that can happen here.

 

Forgive my brief response, but it really sounds like a medical issue that he needs to have checked. That and the fact that he didn't have an active libido to start with.

 

I've worked a few 100+ hour weeks, I would still have had sex if I had a willing partner. Does he get weekends off? Can you make bedtime 10 or 10:30 pm? Does he start at 5am and get home at 10pm? Now, I understand that people can work so hard at their jobs to be completely exhausted, and doing it day after day with less then optimum levels of sleep can be problematic. But it sounds like there is something else going on, and it isn't just poor "communication".

Yes, some people are asexual (or get there for one reason or another), some are sexually repressed, some have bad attitudes, and some people have other hangups about sex.

 

He works 5am to 5:30 pm. Mon-friday. Saturday he goes in 5 am to 9am. His excuse for doing that is to catch up on work and make extra money but go in when we are still asleep at home. He felt it was better to do that so he wouldn't miss out on time at home with us on the weekend. The consequence to that though is that at he can't sleep in on Saturday and is tired and naps or falls asleep on the couch. Which I don't blame him at all for needing to sleep. And he doesn't nap every weekend.

We have a 4 yo who is asleep by 9pm at night. So we are up till 11pm alone. I have tried to initiate sex after she's in bed but he's usually not in the mood or tired or we watch one of our TV shows. I recently have started changing our daughters bedtime routine and am getting her to sleep by 8:30 the last few nights. It's hard because when he gets home we eat at 6pm and she can only spend 6-8pm playing with her father before we get ready for bed. So lack of sleep is a huge problem because what time we have alone or make to have alone he's too tired.

 

Oh forgot to answer. He does get weekends off. His choice to go in Saturdays. He's been doing this schedule since last year about this time. Saturdays he added last summer.

 

I was looking at some posts I made on another board that is not really active and I was asking about this in early November. I was feeling frustrated and emotional and having fantasies about other men. I am feeling super frustrated now and lost because if it was just getting through to him about this maybe it would be easier. But I am having these weird unsettled feelings. Part of its me, I know and part of it I just don't know what it is. I've been very restless and unsettled for a while now. I feel like it's almost a midlife crisis feeling for me. Only I'm too young for that. I don't even know if I want this life anymore. With him, I mean. I began to daydream about being single and for some reason I can't put it out of my head. I know this is complicated. I love him and have so much to lose. I don't want to lose him or hurt him. I don't want to start over. But I also feel trapped. I feel like so much about me has changed that I am not this young naive girl anymore. I want to be more and do more even though I don't know what that is. I know I have to put my daughter first and I can't do anything that is going to hurt her. We've recently been getting help with her since October as well because she has some special needs. I know that stress plays into things for me. It's been a rough road for me, becoming a mom. And even though he is supportive I've mostly done everything for her 24/7 for the last 4 years. I think I can trace back to August the first time I thought about being single. It was a huge shock because I never thought is have to think about it. He threatened to leave and said he had been thinking about leaving for a week. All because I begged him to think about getting a cat. I love animals and ever since we married he staunchly said NO. Even though he knew I had a cat at my mom's house and wanted one at our house. I had respected his desire to not have one for 10 years and finally I pushed and told him it meant a lot and please think about it. He was SO angry. I've never seen him so angry before. That night I began to look up apartments and try to figure out what I needed to do. It felt so wrong and awful to me and stupid. Because who threatens to leave over their wife wanting a cat, for crying out loud. He's not allergic. The cat I wanted was declawed. Yes they are hairy which was his biggest problem with it. He wouldn't have to lift a finger to care for it. He simply didn't want a cat and never wanted one so was angry because he never wanted one. The thing is he's not like this on other things. We talk rationally about pretty much everything else.

But I can pinpoint that as the time I started to question "us". Before that I was dissatisfied with our sex life but hadn't really felt like this.

So now between those feelings and the sex and intimacy issues I just feel lost. There's more I could add but I don't know how much I want to put out there, as I've already went a little deep.